#self-rant

I’ve had a roommate for the past three years now. We met through my sister and became friends ourselves. Everything was pretty good when we moved in. No arguments or issues. Mind you, I’m not the tidiest person out there. It’s not that mess doesn’t bother me, it’s just like a good 80-90% of the time I have no energy to do so or it adds to my anxiety. Thus I form guilt over it, I get depressed, and my mental strength goes down the drain because cleaning is piled on to the things I have to do that I’m already worrying about on top of a full time job where half the time I’m definitely working in some form over hours dealing with parents and my bosses, trying to make sure the children I work with get their services. Plus trying to ensure I have groceries and maintain a social life. I’ve had so many people tell me I never do things for myself, I’m always doing things for other people. It’s draining, you get the point. Executive function blah blah blah.

We’ve had this discussion a few times about my stepping up and cleaning. I feel I definitely gotten better to the point where certain things are automatic for me, I.e. wiping down the counters in the kitchen and counters right after I mess them up, same with the shower, and TMI - taking the hair from the shower (I have androgynous alopecia so my hair falls out A LOT), sweeping the kitchen when I’m done, cleaning while I cook, ya know basic things a functioning adult SHOULD be able to do. If there’s a mess, I keep it to my bedroom and out of the common areas.

Today was the one day I had left to go grocery shopping and Christmas shopping. I was meeting my sister for the Christmas shopping portion and was in a rush after I got out of the shower. So I do my thing and get everything. As I’m loading the first couple of bags into the apartment, things were fine, but she did approach me about something to do with cleaning. She asked me if I can start picking up my hair off the floor after I do it or in the shower. I reply to her, I wipe down the shower after I use it every time and always take my hair out of the drain and sure, I can get better and I will try to be more mindful of picking it up off the floor. Mind you, I’m about to rush out to go get my second bunch of bags, but I made a comment about I don’t realize when the hair falls out of my head when I’m brushing it or putting up, etc. I go back to get the rest of my stuff out the car. I come back in, she gives me the silent treatment. At this point, I’m annoyed now and I just said, ‘if you have something to say, just say it. I’m not doing this thing again where you give me the silent treatment.’ She mumbles something about it being the same thing and gets all pouty. I finish loading my stuff, load the dishwasher, and clean up after myself/the kitchen. She makes a point to clean the bathroom and then goes into her room. Oh and while I’m doing the stuff in the kitchen, she makes it a point to show me the hair she pulled off the drain to throw it away. (Mind you, her main point was the floor, not the shower). Like that is so fucking petty and passive aggressive.

I’m just so freaking tired and frustrated . It’s like now she’s nitpicking how I clean and it’s not up to her standards. We live in a nice apartment and don’t have any issues with pests. I feel like I’m constantly jumping through hoops to appease my roommate and her standards. It’s constant shady comments during regular conversation about how ‘I don’t know how much cleaning she actually does or how much of her cleaning I don’t see.’ I’m sorry I didn’t jump right then and there to do what you asked me to or validate your feelings like I always did before, but my actions over time proved I’ve stepped up. Today was one moment I forgot to take my hair out of the drain! I’m fucking human, I’m going to forget, especially while I’m getting ready you needed to use the bathroom while I was getting ready and disrupt my routine and then I have to go! I also don’t appreciate being spoken to like a child or a bad pet that has to had their nose pushed into what they did wrong. Talk to me like a human and someone who is on your level.

She has a passive temper tantrum and left the apartment. I gave her the silent treatment right back. Her and I already got into another non- related issue, but so many people in my family and my friends were telling me they don’t really like her that much. She has a tendency to be all about herself and selfish, she a conditional friend, and likes to take advantage. It took me this long to realize that because she’s been with me through some really tough times and who has stood up for me against my own sister when we had issues (another story).

I am not good at expressing how I feel at the moment but how do you live without breaking into tears everyday. It’s wild to see friends, peers, strangers around you acting like there isn’t a genocide funded by our government and our tax dollars. I hate how I’ve been sharing on my story news after news, resource after resource about the genocide in Palestine, and people will still post about their sunsets and memes without a single thought after viewing my story. But they had time to write about how they’re “praying for both sides”.

I haven’t posted much here, I am more active on other platforms. But I won’t stop talking about what’s happening in Palestine. We can’t stop speaking about Palestine til it’s free.

I’m not a blogger type and I don’t really seek help out. But it’s been a year since my incredibly sloppy bachelor’s graduation -yay Sociology, one of the least employable on the university market- and I still can’t bring myself to get a job proper. 

I just can’t seem to look at myself and say I bring to the table anything worth searching for. I haven’t gone out of the house without parents either, even just recently getting properly liscenced and insured, I just don’t have anywhere I’d go. I feel like a parasite on my parents, especially since my 3 other siblings, 2 older and 1 younger, have gone on with a clear pathway from college into at least a workforce. 

I feel neglected but also a lot of that is self-caused, I know I need to get out to somewhere but I feel way too dependent on my living situation and haven’t felt close enough in any of my relationships to really beg for help. Also didn’t help that in all honestly I’m a smug asshole to even my friends and for the few friends that felt in need of closeness themselves, I never felt like I could ever return the sentiment back. Unsurprisingly I don’t feel I deserve what I can’t give, but I don’t believe I can give what I don’t have (love of course). 

I still feel the same helplessness and yet despite my awareness I can’t seem to ever break through. I’ve had therapy for years but faked my way till everyone thought I was “ok” enough to not need it anymore. Now look at me now. A loser who everyone thinks he can sort his own shit out given time, when I’ve felt like I could literally kill myself and no one would know for weeks. I want at least it out there how I felt, but grasping around just feels like every connection is so ethereal

So I have like two REAL followers and it's already genuinely upsetting me because I'm literally just an edgy lesbian teenager whose only defining character trait is she has two emotions (Overly happy or scaryly depressed and suicidal) and only writes as a hobby but is still terrible at that anyway.

I literally can't write or draw for shit, I'm so socially detached from my friends it feels like I have none, AND I offer nothing interesting to the world whatsoever because I'm just so fucking useless and that's not even the depression talking that's just the truth talking tbh.

I apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused and for wasting the precious time of those who read this, you're never getting that time back,

SORRY.