Is it ok to say I’m not Ok?
I’m not a blogger type and I don’t really seek help out. But it’s been a year since my incredibly sloppy bachelor’s graduation -yay Sociology, one of the least employable on the university market- and I still can’t bring myself to get a job proper.
I just can’t seem to look at myself and say I bring to the table anything worth searching for. I haven’t gone out of the house without parents either, even just recently getting properly liscenced and insured, I just don’t have anywhere I’d go. I feel like a parasite on my parents, especially since my 3 other siblings, 2 older and 1 younger, have gone on with a clear pathway from college into at least a workforce.
I feel neglected but also a lot of that is self-caused, I know I need to get out to somewhere but I feel way too dependent on my living situation and haven’t felt close enough in any of my relationships to really beg for help. Also didn’t help that in all honestly I’m a smug asshole to even my friends and for the few friends that felt in need of closeness themselves, I never felt like I could ever return the sentiment back. Unsurprisingly I don’t feel I deserve what I can’t give, but I don’t believe I can give what I don’t have (love of course).
I still feel the same helplessness and yet despite my awareness I can’t seem to ever break through. I’ve had therapy for years but faked my way till everyone thought I was “ok” enough to not need it anymore. Now look at me now. A loser who everyone thinks he can sort his own shit out given time, when I’ve felt like I could literally kill myself and no one would know for weeks. I want at least it out there how I felt, but grasping around just feels like every connection is so ethereal
I’ve said I’m ok plenty of times. And every time it was the fattest most blatant lie I’ve ever told. And every time still, it was good enough, since just those words were enough for everyone to move on. Everyone except for me.
