#self-projection

Prompt :: Once Bitten, Twice Shy Characters :: Nomin tal Kheeriin Warnings :: Writer's Self-Projection, Loneliness, Depression Word Count :: 100

FFXIV Write 2023 Master List

There is a paradox for me: The people who understand my cultural background would mostly identify with the culture and shun me; the people who don't simply can't understand my struggle, or even think of me being racist or discriminating against certain country of origin; the people who experience the same as I do either never got the proper opportunity to heal, or go to another extreme--a lot of them are toxic, triggering, and suffering themselves. They can't help me, nor could I them.

You know what about the Frogwares' Sherlock attracts me the most? One thing was described well in the artbook, in the "Welcome to Cordona" section at the beginning.

"But deep down, he is dark and disillusioned...he is reality a permanent stranger to others."

"But behind the praise and satisfaction of his vanity, the pain remains: he is and will always be out of step with society."

Sherlock Holmes is well loved by neurodivergent people and they self-project all the diagnoses and personally struggles into this character. Someone also head-canon him to be a transman. I used to be mad at some of the self-projection, but now I understand, agree or not, them all.

He is a hermit in the largest, busiest city in the world. He is an outcast who is praised and respected for his skills.

I don't even think he is vain. It is not vanity, but a meager substitute for a sense of belonging and being loved, the struggle between the need for, and the lack of, human connection, due to one's being different from most others, negatively or positively.

I am living a relatively comfortable life now, at least materially. Not as successful as him, but not too much to complain. I even got a job I like.

But there is always that emptiness, that I can see in this character and feel within myself. In the artbook, when I read the part "his impatience, his contempt, and his boredom, described in Conan Doyle's work, are the salt of his character." I immediately knew that he can be a mirror that I would love to look into.

In SHCO, the topic of trauma and healing resonates with me so well that after so long I still can't get over it. There is so much that makes sense to me, that I can take as part of me, and never let go.

Being neurodivergent, or trans, or just being "weird", or in the wrong culture...whatever it is, you are bound to be hurt, isolated, and never belong. You can't be the one fitting the norm, nor can you be your true self due to all the doubt accumulated over the ages.

Dilwyn told Sherlock, "You desperately hope to find somewhere you belong, but you never will. Nowhere, no one, will ever be enough."

Yes, no one will be enough, because you are different; you are the unwanted; you are taught by the world that you are not enough. You either deal with that by believing the world is not enough for you, or accept that you are never enough for the world. Either way is the path to suffering.

What is the saddest part of this? Not that we all suffer, but the fact that we all suffer so differently that we can't possibly understand each other's suffering; that one's suffering is triggering to another. Our hearts are spiky huggers. Love hurts.

Then I think about Sherlock again, the one in Frogwares games and the one in canon. The young, fragile man who has suffered so much and is looking for a path of healing, and the old, lonely detective who rarely got a chance to see his beloved friend since retirement.

Logan does not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Oh he’s mimicked some of the traditions during his middle and high school years, but he never saw the point of it. Even when he was interested in someone, he did not see the point of the holiday. 

He would much rather provide a gift suited to the person at a point sentimental to them that buy the same kinds of chocolates and flowers that everyone else gives and gets on a meaningless day of the year. He does not understand the holiday. 

He does not understand it and it is not necessary to participate, so he does not celebrate the day.

Roman, his roommate in his apartment, does not understand it. He says that it’s because Logan doesn’t understand real love. He claims that Logan does not celebrate Valentine’s Day because he’s “married to his heartless robot aesthetic.” He nags and pressures Logan about attending Valentine’s Day parties, because it would “help Logan loosen up a little.”

Logan never goes.

They start arguing about it. Logan doesn’t understand why Roman refuses so strongly to just let the topic go and move on. It is not as if this is an important matter. Roman cannot understand Logan’s resistance. This is one of the best holidays of the year! How can he not love it?

One night it gets particularly bad.

Roman says that no one would ever love Logan because he wouldn’t even try to put effort in for the important days.