#questionable roman

The mindspace was oddly quiet as Remus made his way through the lighter spaces, it was warmer that was for sure but there was a silence that clung to the place like a funeral shroud to a freshly dead body ready to be burned. He wished that he could say that it was a surprise to see it that way, to not hear the chattering downstairs as the other light sides talk amongst themselves and the breakfast that they’ve made. Breakfast that he and Deceit were never once privy to, not that he could blame them, what with Deceit’s eating habits and his own attitude towards the most important meal of the day. Nevertheless, it didn’t change the fact that everything was completely and utterly silent. 

And yet…

Everything was running smoothly. 

There was no stalling in Thomas’ own creative thoughts, no hesitations when it came to the knowledge that he needed to absorb for his newer video that he was working on, his anxiety was at a manageable level, and… he for all intents and purposes… he seemed happy. 

Considering all of that, nothing seemed to be wrong. Everything was running smoothly, and there was no reason whatsoever to panic or kick up a fuss about anything. 

And ordinarily, Remus would have cared less about any of that. Content to sow endless chaos wherever he could until either Deceit or his brother told him to knock it off, at least until he went at them with one of his beloved creations. So… he shouldn’t have cared, he shouldn’t be worried, and he shouldn’t even be here in the light space that both he and Deceit had been banned from for years. Yet here he was, his boots trekking thick globs of mud up the stairs leaving a visible trail for just about anyone to find. Not that it bothered him any, right now… nobody would stop him, not today. 

Because…

Because they all knew that he had heard, just as well as Deceit had yeard. 

He had heard the yelling of their argument that rang all throughout the mindspace, infiltrating even the darkest reaches of Thomas’ mind so that every side known and unknown could hear it. He had heard the shouting until the other side’s voice had gone hoarse and cracked, it had rattled Remus’ bones for the first time in… well, a very very long time. And finally… he had heard the door slam as the argument had eventually ended, shaking the picture frames on the walls and even rocking the very walls themselves.

He had heard it all, and he had heard the door remain shut still not opening weeks later. 

At first, he had been fine with the silence, but now...

“So,” Remus cheerily flopped onto the floor next to the door, eagerly leaning his entire body weight back against the door as he crossed his mud-caked feet. “You’ve been in there for a while,” He began as he rattled his knuckles against the painted door, “Which I entirely get! No judgment coming from me, here! Talking to the others is more boring than vanilla sex, I’d rather pluck my eyeballs out and use them as nunchucks.” The creative side hastily amended, holding his hands up in the universal sign of peace… not that the other side would even see it though. “But…” 

Here a moment of silence stretched between him and the side hidden behind the door, who still hadn’t said a single word to interrupt him from his inane ramblings. 

He wasn’t worried though, not a single bit. 

“Feel free to pipe up any time though, I might talk so much that I accidentally bite through my tongue and bleed out!” He giggled, waiting for something… anything really from the other side of the door. 

Some shuffling, a snore, even the sound of the other snacking… anything would have been preferable rather than just having to hear his own voice like nails on a chalkboard over and over again. But there was nothing, a void where noise should have been, a void that ate everything up and spit out only the grey bones of what once was and what should have been. Not only was it boring but… it was unnerving even for Remus to have to sift through. It only served to make him that much more aware of the shrieking and repetitive thoughts inside his own head, there should be noise… there should be lots of rambling noise coming from behind the door… coming from downstairs in the kitchen where he and Deceit had never been.

But there wasn’t.

Remus’ foot bounced against the carpet, spreading even more of the dried up mud all over the place the longer that he sat there. Even with that same repetitive task, it felt like he had sat there in silence for what must have been hours, even if it was only for at most just a minute or two. 

“Do you wanna play a game?” He suddenly asked, desperate for anything to break the silence at this point. “It’s a real easy one I promise. I’m not too good at those smarty pants games like chess, but this one…” Within seconds a roll of parchment had appeared in Remus’ hands along with a pen small enough and thin enough to slip under the doorway. “The theme is a feeling, hard I know. But I know you can get it.” 

Drawing a messy sketch of the gallows, Remus rolled onto his stomach pressing his cheek flat against the now filthy carpet before carelessly shoving the parchment and pen under the gap in the door. Had he been a dog, particularly, a pit bull his entire body would have been wagging eagerly waiting for some kind of response from the person on the other side of the door. 

This must’ve been what having a pen pal must’ve felt like, as he waited his stormy eyes still peering under the doorway eager to catch a glimpse of some kind of movement that would tell him he wasn’t just wasting his breath talking to nobody. 

And for a moment.. for a split second, there was a blur in the darkness, a movement. 

And Remus’ heartfelt as if it would explode right out of his chest, until-

The scroll of paper shot back out from under the door, smacking the creative side rather harshly, right on the nose. 

“Hey!” Remus yelped, scuttling back as he clasped a hand over his nose. It didn’t do anything more than sting for just a second, but even so, it was the action that spoke more than anything. “That wasn’t nice you know!” He scolded, feeling heat tickling the tops of his ears as a blush easily swept over his features coloring his face in a deep red hue that Remus would have killed someone over for inflicting onto him. Or would have, had it not been this kind of situation. “I was just trying to-” 

Remus stopped dead, or as dead as a living creative side could get in this case. 

This beating lump of flesh shuddered in his chest, and the warmth that had descended over his face that had previously been unwanted felt like a warm summer morning as he stared down at the parchment that now had a single letter scribbled onto the corner. He was absolutely certain that in his entirety of an existence, that nothing… nothing had ever allowed him to feel like this before. It was like his entire body was a well full of adrenaline, that instead of making him simply feel buzzed and energized… made him feel dizzy and breathless. 

He didn’t know if there was a word for something like this, but even if there was... 

He didn’t care. 

Remus shimmied closer to the door, so that his back was practically flush against the wood. “Oooh,” He eagerly crooned as he scribbled a plain circle onto the gallows, excitement squirming inside of him like worms coming up after a heavy rainfall to breathe. This.. this felt like the first time he had truly breathed in such a long time. “Close, but now you’ve got head!” 

And so their game continued, their stacks of paper growing with each game until hours had passed. 

With each day that passed, Remus could honestly say that their games… it was the thing that he looked forward to most with the rise of each morning. It certainly wasn’t what ordinary people would call fun, given that he just chattered to a door without having a single word to answer him back, but he knew that the other side was there, he knew that he was at least listening and paying attention to the things that he wrote on their game papers. He knew based on the doodles that he’d find messily scribbled next to his own gorey ones, he knew based on the little gradings that he’d find that would never be too harsh, and he knew because… he just did. 

“I hope you’re eating.” He said one morning as the smell of waffles wafted up from the kitchen downstairs, he had felt no need to join the others even after coming to the light space every day for a week now. He knew that he wouldn’t be welcome there anyway, “I know we technically don’t need to eat, I mean look at me, I eat deodorant to piss the others off. But… you’re important you know.. You need to eat and keep your strength up.” Again silence, although it wasn’t like he was expecting anything else. “I’d care if you keeled over and died from starvation.”  

Talking to someone who would never answer back wasn’t exactly the way that he thought he’d spend hours of his days, but… oddly enough he wasn’t complaining. 

“Everything is so boring,” He complained one evening.

The amber glow of the fake setting sun in the window cast a warm glow down the hallway, the exact shade of fallen leaves and nostalgic times for Remus. The glow of that golden crested glow that made Remus’ scrunched up body form a long ominous shadow down what remained of the hallway.

 “Ever since you ducked out… there’s no spice. You get what I’m saying?” He rambled, thunking his head back against the door as if to reaffirm that someone was still listening. “Like… I’m not into humiliation, it’s nowhere on my kink list but… the others just ignore me without you. You.. you at least knew how to take me on, and take me down a peg or two. You…” Remus’ lips tugged downward in an almost sad smile that filled him with an almost suffocating sense of melancholy that even his fake and authentic cheer couldn’t chase away this time. “You make me feel like I’m really here…” 

There wasn’t an answer.

But then again Remus didn’t really expect one. 

So with a heavy sigh, he picked himself back up, cracking his sore stiff bones from the position he had been sitting in for hours. 

He didn’t want to leave, and yet… 

“Goodnight,” He gently murmured to the door, his forehead softly bumping against the wood, letting the other side know exactly what he was doing. “You’ll have sweet dreams tonight… I promise.” 

And just like that he left, his boots thunking heavily down the steps as the papers of their previous game remained clutched tightly in his hands. 

He didn’t hear it… but the moment Remus was out of earshot, the harsh muffled sound of tears echoed solemnly behind the door. 

But even so, their daily games continued.

They both seemingly looked forward to the hours in which Remus would eagerly climb the stairs, stomping up and soiling Patton’s carpet with whatever fluids he happened to be trekking in that day. Sometimes it was mud, sometimes red, sometimes yellow, and sometimes it was green. But no matter the color, it all stained the carpet the very same way that it always did, and with it came Patton’s annoying lecture about taking his boots off. A lecture that was always answered with Remus’ shit-eating grin, and the shifting of floorboards on the other side of that door telling the creative side that his playmate was ready.

“Okay!” He excitedly wiggled setting down a heavy book and a stack of papers, “I know I said that I wasn’t all that good at all these smarter games, but I DO know for a fact that you like chess. And there’s only so many times we can play hangman and connect the dots before it gets suuuper boring.  So I found this book, yeah? It says that its chess for dummies, and I figured that it’s perfect for me.” Remus eagerly chattered, “We’ll use a pencil today instead of a pen so we can erase and move the pieces around without having an actual chess board or pieces! Cool right?”

Having gotten used to not receiving an answer, Remus scribbled his name where the black pieces would be before sliding the paper under the door. And... for the first time in the weeks since they had started their games, the paper didn’t move. Remus could see the cover of the page still sticking out, not moving from where he had initially slid it to the other side for his turn to begin. 

There was nothing.

Until…

“Thank you.”    

The two words were no more than a whisper to Remus, the first words that the creative side had heard from him in the months since he had ducked out and refused to come out of his room. How long had he been there? Waiting for the other light sides to finish with their guilty pleading so that he could play his games never expecting to hear a peep from the other side of the door? How long had he given up hearing anything, content to just have fun and never press matters beyond that one day? 

He honestly didn’t know.

“You’re welcome,” Remus whispered back just as softly, as if raising his voice above a mere whisper would shatter reality before his eyes.  “It honestly wasn’t that hard at all, I just had to find the book.. reading was a bit more difficult, but… but it was worth it. I know that you enjoy this kind of thing, so.. so it was well worth whatever effort it took to get me here. I…” Remus swallowed leaning gingerly close to the door, as if the other side was just a hair’s breadth away from him. “I promise.” 

Another sound.. another noise crept past the wood of the door.

This time though it took Remus a little bit longer to actually realize just what it was, and when he did… something in his chest split open and shattered all at once. He had never actually heard it before, at least coming from this side. Deceit had done it plenty of times, when it was just the two of them and nobody else. But for him…

To cry?

Panic almost immediately seized ahold of Remus’ throat in a vice-like grip refusing to let him breathe through its suffocating grasp, “I’m sorry!” He quickly blurted out, his palms spreading against the door as he pressed himself as close as he possibly could against the door, like a pathetic dog trying so very hard to get to its wounded master. He wanted to headbutt the door, to rip and tear it down, to scratch at it with his fingernails until he could see the other side. But.. but he couldn’t, even he knew that. “I.. I truly honestly didn’t mean to! I.. I-” 

A muffled sob, like the sound of someone pressing their palm against their mouth, echoed from the other side. 

The sound tore at Remus’ heart and lungs, practically liquefying them in the process.

It hurt, god did it hurt to hear such a sound coming from the side that had somehow wormed their way into his brain, that had slithered past all of his gorey defenses, and had still even without saying a word rendered him completely helpless right here and now. Why on earth did it have to hurt so much? Roman was the one that always said that things like love always felt so nice, that it was always worth singing about. 

Did this mean that this feeling wasn’t love? If it wasn’t love then what was it? Did that mean he could carve it out of his chest so that he wouldn’t even feel this pain again? Was that even possible?

“No.. no!” The sniffling from the other side dragged Remus right on back to what was happening. “I just…” There was a shuffling sound, like the person on the other side was just as close to the door as Remus was. “They.. I was told that my interests… my ideas are too difficult. I… was used to it.. to that. I’m… a difficult person, even you must know that.” 

The other’s voice sounded even closer than ever before, and it broke with every syllable.

Remus listened like a dying man in a desert who had finally found water.  

“You… Your presence here… has been greatly appreciated, but you don’t have to do this. It’s better if I stay here… not talking. Not being… difficult for those around me. It’s… the least I can do.”

Something inside of Remus snapped, like a violin string that had been tightened and tightened to the point where the stress of the whole thing had been way too much.

“You…” Remus softly began trying not to sound as angry as he felt, this time with a lot more care than he was ever used to actually giving to another being that was still alive before his words abruptly failed him.

He was used to saying a lot of things in various different ways and styles, but nothing this soft and nothing ever this heartfelt for another person.

He swallowed thickly, “Are a gentle, loving person.” He quickly carried on before the other side could stop him. “Who has been told by too many people that you, that you are too difficult to love… and that..” A snarl tinged Remus’ words as his nails dug into the painted wood of the other’s door, “That is a fucking lie, Logan. You aren’t difficult to love, loving you..it takes effort. But so does loving anything in this hellscape of our life, you’re an effort that’s well worth it. That’s it.” Irritation ate at Remus’ insides, like a blazing wildfire that consumed everything in its path. “You’re worth knowing,” He snarled again like a furious hound tugging on the end of its collar, bumping his head even harder against the door, “And you’re worth loving. And nobody… none of them know that better than me!”  

It took Remus a full few seconds to realize just what he had said, and in turn just what he had admitted to the logical side on the other side of the door. But even so, there was no taking it back now, Logan knew and just about everyone that there was to hear his angry rant knew it now too as well. 

All that was left now was the rejection.

“I…” Logan paused for a long moment, that felt as if it stretched from the dawn of today to the very end of time as the logical side swallowed thickly. “I…”

Remus’ head thumped lifelessly against the door, as he prepared to get off of his aching knees and leave with his tail tucked between his legs. To never ever bother Logan again, and to leave him to his self imposed isolation. To perhaps go into his own isolation, and never ever leave for fear of continuing to bother the logical side even more of where he did not belong. 

“I have a chessboard in my room,” Came the uncertain whisper from inside, “If you’d like to bring your book… we can play a game. If you’d really like to.” 

And just like that, the icy numbness of terror thawed, replaced by hope as the gentle sounds of the lock clicking open finally registered to Remus’ ears. As quickly as he could, he stumbled back up to his feet as he seized the book that had been laying on the floor. In an instant, relief swept through the creative side’s body like a torrent of wind, rain, and hail as the door slowly swung open allowing him to see the other side’s face for the first time in months. 

He saw it all.

The exhausted lines on the other’s face from the near-constant work he was having to do in order to keep Thomas going. The dark circles that spoke of many sleepless nights. The fresh tear tracks that were entirely Remus’ doing, although not from any amount of cruelty… but instead pure kindness and worry. And his tussled hair that rose and fell in chaotic messy waves due to the lack of gell keeping them back in place. 

Remus wanted to kiss him, he wanted to kiss every single freckle that stood out on Logan’s pale face. 

Instead, the book slid from his hands as he lunged forward. Seizing Logan in a bone-crushing hug as he held the other close to his chest, gingerly rocking him back and forth. He buried his face into the other’s neck, breathing heavily as his own set of tears spilled down his cheeks. 

“I was so worried!” He openly gushed, uncaring about the tears that ruined his makeup. “I was so worried about you,” Remus repeated, stroking Logan’s back until he felt the other sinking back into the hug the logical side’s body shaking with his own tears. “I was so scared.” 

A watery chuckle fell from Logan’s lips, “Are you sure that I’m worth it then?” 

Patton raised his arm In alarm as Logan sunk down, trying to make people notice he was gone,

only now that he’s thinking back to it he should’ve done something else, he should’ve gone to check on him immediately, he should’ve seeked him out to get his opinions,

But he didn’t,

And he will forever regret that,

Because Logan isn’t the same now, and he never will be, now he’s corrupted, now his corrupted form is a forever reminder how they failed him 

How he failed him

Because he should’ve done more,

And he can't go back, all he can do his stare helplessly at this side, eyeshadow running down his cheeks, and an inked smile on the tips of his lips, his glasses were eskew on the side of his head and his tie was just dangling on his shoulders,

The side they used to know is making biology jokes that Remus would be proud of as he smiles widely making direct eye contact with them, and he makes vague threats when people promise to ‘bring him back to normal’, because why would they deserve to be around the ‘normal’ him?

 And All patton can do is stare,

If he had just gone to check on him

Everything would be ok, Logan would end up teary-eyed explaining what he thought might help, he would be right, Patton and Logan would slowly bond And eventually become each other's solace’s,

But he didn’t