#self figuring

Noticing having actually clicked on a video YouTube recommended me.

(Length def features here - the video was around 10 min I think (I checked when I paused it), which is a length I have watched and do watch of a series I already like. But I *had* clicked in and was curious from the beginning; if it had been like two minutes I probably would have finished it).

-It is very likely that there are different things that will work for me, are possible for me, would be good, etc, in different mindstates/brainstates etc I get

-I totally can’t keep more than a few things’ existence in my head at a time so I’m going to forget most things I could do

-I don’t think I can make lists for this sort of thing

(late)

April 7: Talk about special interests. What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your current special interests. Or talk about past special interests. What’s the most unusual special interest you’ve had?

This is another one I’m not sure I fit classically and stuff?

Though, when I started thinking about this I then thought about a thing I had when I was younger where I’d be - into something over an amount of time, where I’d have a bunch of - :focus and time-giving for it: (don’t know how to word). But like, spend a lot of my free time (and/or procrastinating time in at least some cases) doing the thing ‘repeatedly’.

Ones I thought of while thinking (one left out bc I’ll mention it later): I read pretty much the entire nonfiction section on religion in the children’s section of my library. The religion forum boards on a website for girls I was on. Reading a bunch of children’s/young people nonfiction books about the constitution, the bill of rights, and major supreme court cases (there was a series, it was great!). Jokes websites (this one I remember has a lot of procrastination there). Twilight fanfiction on fanfiction.net. Possibly the way I got into the vampire diaries tv show.

(An interesting thing I noticed thinking about this is how they all have this very particular scope/action-set. I didn’t like, also try to find out about religion stuff/constitution stuff in other ways, or look for other forums, or other joke-connected stuff. While I originally found the twilight fanfiction.net stuff looking for twilight things more widely, I didn’t then try to look for more fanfiction sources. Which I think is a difference from how people’s special interests tend to be?)

Also I don’t think I’ve had this particular thing since end of high school, which is interesting and makes me wonder about what might have done that. Given the timing there’d be a bunch of correlations, like the way I used to do work, or how I didn’t like, have social things before.

Also I think I do wider interests more now kind of in ways? (Not have, I think I did have them, but do? Or something.)

(I do like, have interests, and get into some stuff a lot in particular ways and stuff, but it feels like a difference.)

Also I have stuff where I’ll ocd on keeping up with various things, like my dash, but that’s different and also, well, ocd. But also I think I had that for the fanfic for a bit? 

...oh wait that's not true, I think reading secrets tumblrs might also have been like that? (And that was college). ...but then that makes me think of other stuff I’ve done/been into (like reading a particular person’s stuff which is how I got into secrets blogs.) |(Or a particular internet circle which happened later.)| Hm.

And I have a thing where l’ll get into something new, like a particular tumblr thing, and like - it’ll take a bit for my brain to get a sustainable reading amount, compulsion amount, etc for it, and like, I remember like, telling myself ‘oh it takes some time and then it’ll settle out’ on some recent ones. |I think that might also be more recent maybe?| But again, ocd mix in there. (But maybe it was also there before in some of them? Hm).

|Oh and I guess like, you could put it as that in general I keep stuff around in less intense forms more (post having the more intense form sometimes)? |...and go back and forth sometimes.| Though I think that (the first one) also happened with the fanfiction say...|

Anyway, looks like there’s a lot I still am not sure about, but this brought up stuff for me and got me all these thoughts and stuff so that’s pretty awesome.

Meanwhile, the most unusual one (this is the one I left out of the earlier list to say here) is I think pretty definitely chick tracts. (Um, warning if looking up, pretty major bad christian stuff, lots of isms, general all around not good). Which at the time I basically read all of.

Also may be able to be used for ‘I cannot pay attention to this meeting’ type things (attempted once, it’s not ideal but it is def preferable to the ‘go look at something on my phone or something’ thing (which will go and happen), because when I do that one I tend to get distracted and miss parts of what is going on.)

(Also it occurred to me I think this is the same problem I’d run into in lectures! (Taking notes kind of helps against part of the problem, but not against the part where stuff is rather mentally unpleasant (and like, then it’s in this ‘forced’ way).) Where I’m remembering that I thought it was likely that in school this is something I used doodling for. But I don’t have a good doodling system rn (and didn’t then, or for a while), or ideas for one, etc.