It was a make or break moment. In my world the air stilled, my blinks were a temporary and peaceful reprieve from seeing what was in front of me, forcing me to make a decision and my inhales sounded like an ASMR video on breathing exercises but in actuality, everything went on as usual. My sister stood there like I took a million years in deciding but only a few seconds had passed. She asked me again, fully exasperated, “ Ano, bibilhin mo na ba?”. We were in a book store, standing on the “Fiction Books” area, staring at each other while I held two paperbacks in my hand. The money in my wallet burned like hot coals in the back pocket of my jeans skirt. This scenario is already way too ahead for anyone to get the significance of it so let’s backtrack to a couple of months prior to it.
I have always struggled with two things when it comes to money. First, I struggle with stashing it away for a rainy day or locking it up inside a jar akin to an empathetic zoo keeper corralling prized endangered species in a gilded cage. Second, getting to spend those multi colored bills on ANYTHING necessary, even a ball pointed pen is too much for my off-kilter mind and yet those paper bills can impulsively leave my hand for something I don’t actually need. On a Wednesday afternoon, while mindlessly scrolling through the web for an activity I liked calling shoe therapy, albeit I’m not actually buying anything, a flash of red caught my attention. It is important to emphasize here that red aligns with my personal taste. So getting my attention with something red is not surprising.
It was a red Adidas slip on. From the first look I was spell-bound, passing fancies was something I was very familiar with, I easily get starry eyed on things like shoes and bags, and yet this didn’t feel like a temporary fixation. I genuinely liked it. The “Add to cart” button glowed on the screen, beckoning me to give it a click. I told myself I don’t need it, earlier that week my mom had just gifted me a pair of black platform shoes. My shoe addiction was supposed to be sated. I guess the whole concept of addiction is it is never fully satisfied. I exited the window and I told myself that if in three days I still liked it enough to spend an obscene amount of money on it then I know for certain this was not a case of impulsive buying. I was really proud of myself for that. I thought I was really maturing and yet I proceeded to obsess about it for the next three days that members of my family got tired of me and eventually told me to just purchase it already so that I’ll shut up. After three days, upon evaluation, I still wanted to get that slip on. So I said to myself “Kung gusto mo talaga, pag-iipunan mo yan.” and so I did.
I wish it was that easy. The two months I struggled and slaved away to eventually get to my target amount was anything but. It was chock full of “ Ayaw ko na mag-ipon” and moments wherein I just wanted to give up and spend all my money on food. Every peso counted. There were times I had to commute back home and I forced myself to walk all the way from the jeep terminal until I reached our gate. An expensive “trike” was out of the question. In my mind it was the most practical thing to do, plus it was additional leg exercise, so every day I brought along with me an umbrella to fight against the sun. Additionally, and this is something my parents would scold me endlessly for if they knew, I admittedly skipped meals at school but they were seldom. I mostly avoided spending money after school which was stressing and really trying for someone who loves to eat. These may be usual things for normal people but being thrifty for a cause was a new concept to me until this happened.
The moment that really put me in a tough spot was entering that book store and glancing at book titles. I was very much a book person much more than I was a shoe monster addict. In a couple of minutes I had already picked up two different worlds I would love to get lost in. This is nothing new, reading and collecting books is an expensive hobby I don’t mind having, I’ve had it since my Harry Potter stage and it has not left me since. As I stood there with an indecisive mind, sweaty palms, and an impatient sibling, I snapped out of my daze and settled the books back on the shelves. My sister rolled her eyes and then sauntered back out of the store with me trailing behind her. I wasn’t entirely sure if what happened was real. My self control standing that strong was unfamiliar territory, I wasn’t used to it.
I knew why I did it but I wasn’t sure how I held it up. To explain, I was a person who is easily obsessed with something. I had an obsessive personality but a short attention span. I easily replace my obsessions with new ones, when it comes to material things I have no commitment to them whatsoever, they’re expendable in my eyes. So for me to commit to saving up for something like shoes is a big deal for me, a new concept. When I chose to put those books back it was me making a decision to stick by something I have dedicated a lot on. I had to stand my ground on something that was expendable. Bigger than that was what those shoes symbolized in a bigger scale. It taught me to stick with what I had decided on. Spontaneity had no place in having a well-balanced financial life and even if it was something as superfluous as shoes, I had to invest in it. Even if it was only to me, my word had to have weight, for it to ring true I had to follow on what I said.
Saving up was not easy, not at all. It was a mind screwing experience at best and an existential crisis at worst. I experienced both during the process and even after buying the Adidas slip on. I wondered a lot of times if my decision was correct, if buying those shoes was the best I could have bought with my money. They probably aren’t but what was important was that I followed through. When I said I’ll save up for something and eventually buy it, I actually achieved that set goal. To be able to believe you can do something, truly all on your own, is much more valuable than a pair of shoes or a set of books.
