Hello what is the ferret guy story??
Alright buckle up because I always win the game for worst first date story (or at least worst/weirdest non-violent first date). I swear to God, every word of this is real.
I grew up in a small town where there was nothing to do so no one really went out on dates, so by the time I got to college I’d never been on a date, the following was my first date ever:
My roommate and I joined a dating site out of both a desire to date someone and mild boredom. After a few weeks of talking to some guys, one asked me out on a date. I wasn’t super interested but I wasn’t good at saying no either so I said yes. We met up downtown and had dinner. He was wearing a trench coat and talked 95% of the time, mostly about how much he loved everything about Russia and wanted to move there, but at no point let me jump in with stories of my own travels or places I wanted to live or see.
Needless to say, not a love connection. I was trying to think of a way to cut this short early so I lied and said that I needed to pick up my friend after this but my phone was dying so I needed to go before it died so I could call him when I was there to pick him up. I shit you not, the man opens up his trench coat and says “What kind of phone do you have?” This dude had like 5 phone charges in his trench coat pockets. (Fortunately for me I have an Android and all of his hoarded chargers were for iphones.)
When we finally left I started to say goodbye outside the restaurant but he kept walking and talking. Again, at this point I was too polite and didn’t know how to say no so I just kind of kept going along. We get to my parking garage and I try to say goodbye, he keeps going. He gets in the elevator with me. I don’t know what to do so I try to say goodbye again and just get in my car real fast, but before I could do so, he got into my car and said “You’re cool giving me a ride, right?”
Now, I’m already certain I’m going to be murdered at this point. Too much weird crap happening right in a row and I’m too polite to avoid being murdered. Like a moron, I don’t argue and just give him a ride. He clearly has no awareness of how weirded out I am because he keeps just talking away throughout the whole ride to his place.
Here’s where the absurdity jumps up a notch. I know that he didn’t realize I was freaked out and that he was (probably) joking, but as we got closer to his house, he asks “How tall are you? I’m just wondering if I could fit you in my ferret cage”.
Well my friends, by the time we pulled up to his apartment and he asked “Do you want to come in?” I had finally learned how the fuck to say no. Hard to say for sure but if I hadn’t, I might still have been in that ferret cage to this day.
