#sad!bucky

You were on edge. 

This was the first mission in a long time where you hadn’t spent the night before with Bucky, wrapped in the warmth of each other’s arms, and waking up with another before heading off. Your regular routine almost happened. It would have happened if it hadn’t been for the argument that happened just about five minutes before you were ready for bed, an argument you deemed unnecessary and frustrating the second you stormed out of Bucky’s room and back into the one you barely spent any time in anymore. 

Not having that routine definitely threw you off your game. After dealing with a restless night and a series of tosses and turns, you decided to just stay up until you had to leave. 

Biggest mistake you could have ever made, you thought.

You packed everything you needed and, first thing in the morning, walked straight into the kitchen to fill up a thermos with a lot more coffee than you’d ever drink on a normal day before heading off to the quinjet launchpad without a word. Everyone else eyed you as you walked out; your usual, greeting nature was replaced by a silent one, a sight no one had seen since you first joined the Avengers. Once you exited, everyone’s eyes quickly turned to Bucky who had walked in just as silent. Though it was less rare for Bucky to avoid conversation, the two of you being separate was the clear elephant in the room.

Bucky looked up to meet everyone’s gazes on him, his brows furrowing immediately in annoyance.

“What’s the problem?” 

“Something going on between you and Y/N?” Sam asked without hesitation. He beared witness to the entirety of your relationship with Bucky, especially since he was often assigned to missions with the both of you. If anyone could tell something was off, it’d be him. 

“She’ll get over it,” Bucky replied monotonously before also heading out to the launchpad, everyone else straggling out shortly after.

You were already sitting in your normal seat inside of the quinjet, scrolling absentmindedly on your phone to distract yourself from the eyes that would eventually fall on you as you heard everyone else approaching. 

Though you were still angry, Bucky was not. In fact, he was more angry with himself than he was with you. He didn’t even think he was upset with you at all, but he was convinced you thought otherwise. 

Finishing a shower after an intense sparring session had never felt better to you. 

You had been with the Avengers for about two years now, picking up on more useful ways to use your fighting abilities rather than always being so destructive. Old members of Hydra, who decided they wanted to somehow reinstate and resolidify the organization, had taken you–along with more people than you could count on both of your hands–to be experimented on with a serum similar to the ones used on Bucky and Steve. After managing to escape, you had definitely lost a piece of yourself. It took a while to warm up to the thought of fighting alongside such honorable people, but after two years, you had found your home. 

The first year and a half was strictly training and shadowing anyone who had gone on a mission. You were eager to prove yourself as being part of the team, and in the last six months, Steve and Tony had agreed to allow you to not just shadow missions, but be part of them. You had just finished mission 26 as being “part of the team” two days ago, and Steve had stopped you before your workout with Natasha to let you know that he thinks you might be able to do your first solo mission. 

That news definitely kicked your motivation into overdrive during sparring. Natasha’s never been one to go easy on you, per your own request, and was riding on a 10-0 streak against you.

That streak got broken fairly quicker than she had expected.

Upon finishing your workout, you were most excited to tell Bucky the news. He had been there the whole ride to see just how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are today, especially sharing the experience of being under Hydra and struggling to use your abilities for the right reasons. 

But for some reason, things just didn’t go as you expected. 

And it hurt. Really hurt.

Bucky stepped on the jet and gave you a quick glance. Everyone else had taken their usual seat, meaning the only one available was the one he always took right next to yours. He sighed deeply to himself before sitting down, seeing you immediately cross your arms across your chest from his peripheral vision.

This was definitely going to be a long trip.

You didn’t say a word to him the entire ride. Not even so much as a shoulder or thigh touch. You kept your stoic nature for all of the ten hours you were sat next to him. 

Bucky was losing his patience, and the only person he blamed was himself. This might have been the first day in the year and some months that you’ve been together that you hadn’t said a single word to him, and it was eating him alive.

It was most definitely eating you alive too, but you couldn’t get the argument you two had out of your head. 

Bucky was starting to pack his things when you had walked into his room, his attention quickly diverting to the door and onto you, shooting you a soft smile.

“You’re back already?” He asked, knowing you always took a hefty moment to yourself to relax after sparring with Natasha. 

“You are now looking at the woman with a singular victory against Agent Natasha Romanoff,” you said confidently with a playful victory bow, making Bucky chuckle as he stood up and made his way over to you. 

Standing up straight to look up at him, Bucky cupped your face in his hands and kissed your forehead. “I’m so very proud of you, baby,” he said with his lips grazing yours that had just pulled into a small smile. 

“I also might have really good news,” you said in an eager tone, which Bucky noticed and loved immediately. 

“What’s the good news?” He asked right away as he wrapped his arms around your waist, wanting to hear your excitement. After seeing you have so many losses, with yourself and others, he knew you took every win very seriously. You reminded him of himself when he first joined the Avengers as well, and knew just how difficult it was to adjust and get even just a glimpse of triumph.

“Steve pulled me aside today and said he thinks I might be ready for solo missions,” you responded as you wrapped your arms around Bucky’s neck. “He saw how well I did during the last mission and wants to see how I do alone. He just wants Tony to agree first.”

Bucky’s face dropped slightly. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you asked rather than answering his question, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

Of course you thought you were ready. You had prepared long enough for this and knew you could take on the challenge. You also thought that Bucky of all people would be able to recognize that and agree. 

“You’ve only been on 26 missions, honey,” he contested. “It took me a lot longer than that before I was even able to handle a mission with just Sam.”

“So you think that I can’t go on a mission by myself because it took you longer to adjust than it took for me?” you asked incredulously as you pulled out of Bucky’s grasp and took a few steps back. 

Bucky ran his hands over his face in frustration. He knew just how stubborn you were; he had seen it mission after mission and debrief after debrief. You were never one to stand down from defending yourself and your decisions. However, you had never been so persistent with him over anything beyond a playful dispute between the both of you.

“You know that’s not what I meant, Y/n, so can we table this conversation and go to bed?” he bargained with you softly. 

You scoffed. “You just patronized me by implying that I’m incapable of handling a mission on my own and you want me to ‘table the conversation’?”

Given your tenacious anger, you knew it’d be best to not say anything at all until you felt a lot calmer about the situation. You had surely pondered if you were just overreacting, but Bucky’s words still hurt you.

He was never one to patronize you or make you feel like you couldn’t do something. In fact, it had always been the opposite. To hear that he felt you were incapable of taking on something you felt you were ready for had stung you harder than any other accusation ever thrown at you. He was the man you loved, the one person on the team who you trusted the most, and he thought you were unprepared.

So you avoided him. The jet landed and you gathered your things and walked right past him. You got lucky that Clint couldn’t come on the mission anymore and you could take his room so you wouldn’t be stuck with Bucky for the entire week. 

Bucky had felt like he was stabbing himself in the chest. He couldn’t sleep the entire night. This seemed to be a mission of firsts for the both of you, including the first time you were both on a mission and slept in different rooms since you’ve been together. 

The next morning, Bucky felt he made it worse. He wandered over to your room before it was time to meet everyone else, knocking on the door loud enough for you to hear it but not make himself obvious in the hallway.

You opened the door, looking right at him though Bucky felt like you were looking through him.

“Can we talk?” he pleaded softly. “I know this isn’t the best timing—”

“Then maybe we should wait until we get back, don’t you think?” you interrupted, your voice a bit raspy from the lack of communication with anyone.

“I can’t think straight on a mission knowing that you’re upset with me, baby,” he said, a slight tremor in his voice. You knew he didn’t want to upset you, but you also didn’t want to direct your anger towards him. It was the one thing you had both promised to each other. “Please?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Bucky,” you replied sternly, your use of his name feeling like a knife through his back. “Can we just do this after?”

He nodded, not wanting to prod you any further than your limit. He whispered a soft “okay” before walking back to his room.

That was the last you spoke to each other before everything happened.

Your mission started off smoothly. You were paired up with Steve, who wanted to monitor you a bit closer while on a mission to further confirm his confidence in you. He also didn’t want to pair you with Bucky when you had tension with each other, wanting the mission to go successfully and without distractions.

You and Steve would take the fifth and sixth floor of the building to locate the files you needed to extract. Natasha would take the third and fourth floor, Bucky and Sam the first and second. Tony would be eyeing the outside perimeter for extra threats and also spotting Natasha a helpful eye, though everyone knew she could handle herself well. 

After fighting off a few straggling guards, you found the file you needed. The only problem was the faint beep, beep, beep you heard somewhere in your vicinity. Steve was keeping watch outside, fighting off the backup that was eventually called when they realized you were here. You couldn’t locate where the sound was coming from, but you knew it wasn’t a good one. 

“Hey, Steve, you busy?” you said, the hint of fear in your voice.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, hearing your tone. You could hear his shield bouncing off the walls as he responded.

“I’m hearing a beeping noise from in here and I can’t find it at all,” you said as you kept tearing the room apart carefully, not trying to accidentally trigger anything. 

“What do you think it is, Agent?” he asked, and you knew he was trying to turn this into some sort of test like your life wasn’t probably at risk.

“The only possibility is an explosive of some sort,” you responded, trying to hide the irritation in your voice from still being monitored on a mission like a child. “I can’t really make out where it’s coming from and it’s nowhere that I’ve searched in the entire room, so it’s probably hidden somewhere.” The beeping then started at a quicker pace, only making your nerves go into overdrive.

“I’ll finish up out here and then help y—”

Boom. 

“Rogers? Y/L/N?” Tony spoke anxiously into comms.

“What the hell was that, Tony?” Bucky asked immediately, not liking the tone in his voice while he said both yours and Steve’s names.

“Explosion on floor five. Rogers and Y/L/N aren’t responding.”

“Y/N? Steve?” Sam tried to reach out. Nothing.

“All I’m getting is static, guys,” Natasha chimed in. “I’m headed up.”

Bucky jolted into the staircase, running faster than he could even process. He eventually caught up with Natasha, Tony and Sam both flying in from either side of the building to the fifth floor. The entire floor was filled with smoke, though the hallway was a bit clearer than the room you had been in alone.

Natasha caught a glimpse of Steve, who was thankfully conscious, as he tried to lift himself up with a a cough to expel the smoke from his lungs. Tony helped him up and Steve immediately caught Bucky’s eyes, filled with anxiety he hadn’t seen in him in a while. He then looked at the door and Bucky understood that you were in there.

He knocked the door in with no hesitation, though something was blocking his entry. Steve and Tony made their way over to help him push the door, moving the cabinet that had been flung across the room with the impact of the explosion. Bucky slipped through the door, blue eyes scattering across the room until he saw your hand sticking out from behind some debris. Using his metal arm to lift up the equipment that had fallen on top of you, he moved it over to the side before kneeling in front of you. He noticed the large piece of shrapnel sticking into your abdomen, a fairly large blood stain tainting your suit and your breaths extremely shallow.

Your eyes were half open as they landed on him, though your body desperately wanted to fall out of consciousness.

“Hey, honey, I’m here,” he said as your eyes glossed over. 

You felt too weak to talk, it hurt just to breathe with the impeding metal in your stomach. The one moment you wanted to say something to him and you couldn’t. 

“I’m here, okay? We’re gonna get you out of here,” he said as his eyes stayed firmly on you, his ears tuning out Steve directing Sam, Tony, and Natasha to prepare for an emergency evac back home. “You’re gonna be okay, everything’s gonna be okay.” 

Bucky cupped your face lightly, running his thumbs across your cheeks carefully over a few cuts. His face and tears streaming down his cheeks was the last thing you remembered seeing before the darkness reeled you in.

It had been six days. 

Six days since you all successfully evacuated the mission. Six days since they removed the metal from your stomach safely. Six days since they found out the extent of your other injuries from the blow. Six days since you had been unconscious. Six days that Bucky hadn’t left your side for a second.

He had already regretted everything he said to you the night before your mission, but now he felt like he had made the biggest mistake of his life by even upsetting you. Bucky knew you probably wanted to cool down, memorizing all of your coping mechanisms and the way you communicated your feelings. But something in his head told him to talk to you sooner, and he only wished you had let him before everything else fell apart.

He hadn’t slept in the six days you’d been unconscious. You had suffered such a serious head trauma that the doctors in the medical wing of the compound were surprised your scans came back clean. On top of the fractured ribs, the wound in your stomach, and the broken leg, everyone had already known you were a trooper.

By the sixth day, Bucky’s eyes were finally starting to get tired. 

He fought sleep off as hard as he could, not wanting to take his eyes off of you for a second. Sam had come in several times throughout the week to bring him food to eat, though he could barely finish any of it. Steve had urged him to go shower every day, promising to watch you and alert him if any changes had happened, pleading with him until he finally agreed. Bucky would rush to shower and immediately ran back as he had finished and gotten dressed. Steve would just give him a pat on the shoulder and a longing look, knowing he couldn’t push any more out of his best friend who was watching intently over the love of his life. 

Bucky laid his head on the small space on the side of the bed next to you, his thumb running soothing motions back and forth on your hand as his solemn, blue eyes watched you take small breaths in and out with your eyes sealed shut. His eyes then pulled him into a slumber, one he didn’t even remember falling into.

After a few hours, he felt you shuffle a bit on the bed, shooting his eyes open and seeing you rub your eyes with your free hand, his hand still intertwined in your other one. 

“Y/N?” he spoke softly, your eyes redirecting to his face and a small smile creeping on yours.

“Hi,” you said groggily. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

Bucky sat up and shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for, baby. I’m just glad you’re awake,” he reassured as he let go of your hand and moved his to rest on your cheek. “How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?”

“I feel like I got hit by a truck,” you joked in a tired voice. “How long have I been out?”

Bucky sighed, though he was glad you were feeling well enough to be playful. “Six days,” he answered. “You had a lot of injuries.”

You nodded slightly. “What about the mission?”

“Natasha and Tony took care of it,” he informed you. “They stayed behind while we evacuated to finish and found a copy of the file. Mission successful.”

You nodded once again, biting down on your bottom lip as you knew there was still unresolved tension between you and Bucky. He noticed it too, but he didn’t think it was the right time to talk about it. Not right after you woke up. 

A few days later, you had been discharged from the medical wing and had gone back to your room. You had told Bucky you wanted to go back to his, but he had insisted it’d be better for you to rest in yours. 

He stayed with you the first few days you were in recovery, though he didn’t sleep next to you. It hurt a bit, but you had at least felt comfort in knowing he was in the room with you. 

One morning, you had woken up and saw Bucky sleeping peacefully on the couch chair in the corner of your room, knowing he had finally gotten rest after a few days. You stayed watching him and he met your eyes immediately when you woke up.

“Hey,” he said in the raspy morning voice you knew all too well. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” you said as you sat up a bit in bed, to which Bucky moved to your side to help you do.

“Don’t exert yourself too much, Y/N,” he warned in a light tone. “You’re still recovering and I don’t want you to prolong y—”

“Buck, I’m okay, I promise,” you cut him off, placing your hands on his face and forcing him to look you in the eyes. His normal, cerulean eyes were a bit more clouded. They looked more gray in the dim lighting of your room, but you could also make out the sting of sadness in them. 

The longer he looked in your eyes, the more tears formed in his. “I could have lost you,” he said with a crack in his voice. “I almost lost you without making things right with you. I’m never gonna forgive myself for that.”

“We don’t have to talk about this right now, Bucky—”

“No,” he cut you off this time. “I can’t wait any longer. It’s eating me alive and I want to make things right with you. I need to make things right with you. Everything that went wrong on that mission only made everything worse. You could have died while being on bad terms with me and I’m never, never, going to let that happen again. Do you understand me?”

You nodded slightly, tears quickly glossing your eyes as well while a tear slid past Bucky’s. He cupped your face in his hands, wiping the tears that fell down your cheeks with his thumbs as you started to play with your fingers in your lap.

“Do you think that I care about anything in this world but you?” he said, a noticeable shake in his voice while he didn’t break eye contact with you. “There is nothing that compares to you in my world. Nothing. When I heard that explosion and Tony say your name, it felt like my heart dropped. I don’t want to experience that again. Especially if I’m not with you.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “So you mean—”

“I said what I said because I’m too scared not to be with you, Y/n. It’s wrong and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I made you feel like I felt you weren’t ready to be on your own. You’re more than ready and I was clouded by my own fears and patronized you when you didn’t need that. I can’t lose you, I can’t picture what the rest of my life would even look like without you in it. But my fears should never come in the way of your accomplishments that you deserve and earned, honey. Never. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry that it took everything that happened for me to say it to you.”

If the tears weren’t falling from your face before, they most definitely were now. You wrapped your arms around Bucky’s torso and sobbed into his chest. He was crying too, but he wrapped his arms around you and rubbed small circles in your back to soothe you the way he always did.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out between sobs. “I didn’t want to fight with you, I just—”

“Shh,” Bucky comforted you. “It’s okay, baby, I know. I didn’t want to fight with you either, it’s on me.”

You pulled away slightly to look up at him once your sobs died down, sniffling a bit as he looked down at you with all the love and adoration he’s always had for you.

“Promise me we’ll never fight before a mission again,” you urged softly, and even though your tone was slightly playful, Bucky knew you were also half serious.

“I promise, baby,” he said, kissing your forehead twice. “Now let’s go back to sleep.”

You nodded as he made his way around the bed and slid next to you, carefully wrapping his arms around you as you both laid down and enjoyed each other’s warmth again.

You didn’t even bother putting away your things upon entering your room, tossing your phone and ear buds on the side table next to your couch which was situated on the opposite wall from your bed. You walked straight into the bathroom to shower.

After a long soak under the scalding water, your muscles finally relaxed a little, and you eventually emerged in an oversized tshirt and your favorite pair of pajama shorts. You collapsed onto the couch maybe a little more dramatically than you’d intended but it had been a long day.

The whole time in the gym earlier, you kept an eye out for Bucky. A tiny part of you hoped that he was slated for his training sessions at the same time as you. You enjoyed talking to him. He was quiet and reserved around everyone, but you felt like he was a little more himself when it was just the two of you. You had fun goofing around, trying to get all your sets in and perform the conditioning exercises with good form but always incidentally making each other laugh and ruin the set.

When you were paired for partner exercises, you sometimes noticed his hand lingering on yours for just a breath longer than it needed to, but nothing more ever came of it. You chalked it up to your own imagination and rolled your eyes at yourself as you opened your phone.

No sooner had you unlocked your phone, did a tiny knock sound at your door. You looked up and furrowed your eyebrows. No one ever knocked on your door this time of the evening and today wasn’t Friday so it wasn’t Nat and Wanda wondering where you were for wine night.

“Come in,” you said, sitting up.

The door slowly pushed open and a man with long tousled dark hair and a tall burly figure stepped inside.

“Bucky?” you smiled at him, though you were a little confused, “What are you doing here, everything okay?”

Bucky closed the door behind him, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine, I just had a favor to ask you.” He held up a pair of head phones that looked like they’d been crushed to bits, “Um, do you have an extra pair I could borrow? I promise I’ll return them. I just heard that you had your training session earlier today, so I figured you weren’t using them.”

He blushed a little under your watchful gaze and you smiled at him. He relaxed and smiled back. Gah, he was so handsome.

You narrowed your eyes and smirked at him, “Hmm, I don’t know,” You trailed off, playing around with him. Right on brand for the usual joking behavior between the two of you, “I can’t just loan these to anyone, Buck.” You patted the ear phones on the table next to you, “I mean, what if they suffer the same fate as those?” You pointed to the crushed ones in his hand.

Bucky smirked at you, playing along with your banter, “Please Doll, I’ll do anything. Just please don’t let me go to the gym without them. I don’t know if I can stand to listen to Sam run his mouth the whole time.”

He took a step toward you and your heart fluttered.

“I guess you’re just gonna have to beg me for them then.” You didn’t really know why you said it, it just flew out of your mouth before you could stop it and by that time Bucky had already walked over to where you sat on the couch.

He fell to his knees in front of you, looking up at you through his eyelashes, “Please.”

The sight of Bucky Barns, the Winter Soldier, on his knees in front of you begging did something to you that you weren’t quite prepared for. The mood between you shifted in an instant. What started as playful fun had turned into something else in the blink of an eye.

You reached out your hand and touched it to the top of Bucky’s head as he continued gazing up at you. His hair was so soft. Gently, you threaded your fingers through his dark locks, allowing your nails to run along his scalp.

His eyes fluttered closed as he sucked in a breath of air. You reached out your other hand and cupped his cheek, relishing in the days old stubble lining his perfect jaw. He closed his eyes with a small sigh and leaned into your touch. You held him in your hands, guiding him to you and allowed his head to fold forward and collapse into your lap.

Bucky’s hot breath and the warm weight of his head felt nice against your legs. As he dipped his head into your lap, he traced his hands over the sides of your thighs and you inhaled sharply. He settled his large hands around the curve of your hips, relishing in your warm comfort.

You held him like that for a while, slowly stroking your fingers through his hair and running your nails gently down the back of his neck as you watched the goosebumps rise on his skin.

As you watched him melt under your touch, you couldn’t help but think of how uncomfortable a position like that must be for him. As the thought crossed your mind, your hands slowed and Bucky’s head shot up from your lap.

“Please don’t stop.” He whispered, “Please.” His voice was tiny and desperate.

You felt his hands lace around your hips, needing more contact, and you didn’t miss the barely audible whimper of relief he made when his fingertips made contact with the bare skin of your waist under your shirt. One warm, one cold.

You felt a twinge of sadness for the man before you and you were angry at yourself that you hadn’t realized it before. The thing Bucky craved above anything else was human contact. He hadn’t been touched with a gentle caring hand in how long? Eighty years? And it was you he craved.

Knowing what he needed, you traced your hands from his head, down to his shoulders, up his arms all the way to his hands which were still around your hips. You grasped them tightly and brought them to your lips, kissing first the metal one, then the flesh one.

“Doll,” he breathed with closed eyes.

“Bucky, when was the last time you had any real physical contact? Skin to skin touch? Not counting what happened under Hydra’s watch,” You asked him gently.

“Uh, I—I don’t know,” Bucky said scratching his head, still dazed and drunk on your touch.

“Come with me,” You stood, pulling him with you, “I know what you need.”

You led him over to your bed and slowly removed his shirt. As you tossed it to the floor, you allowed your hands to trail down his broad chest, allowing your fingertip to linger on the place where flesh met metal on his left side. He sighed deeply reveling in your slow deliberate touches, only opening his eyes when he felt your hands leave his body as you reached up to remove your own shirt.

Bucky’s eyes went wide before you ever pulled the shirt over your head and he turned around, blushing, “Um, Doll, what are you doing.”

You continued stripping completely naked and crawled under the fluffy blankets of your bed. You turned toward where he stood with his back facing you.

“You need this,” you said, patting the space on the mattress beside you, “and I’d really love to be the one to give you this comfort.” You felt a wave of embarrassment wash over you. What if this isn’t what he wants and you’re just making a fool of yourself? You didn’t want to pressure him into something he did want or feel comfortable with.

Before you could continue berating yourself with your thoughts, you saw Bucky peek over his shoulder at you.

“Really?” He asked, desperation shining through his nerves, “You’d hold me? And let me hold you?”

You smiled warmly at him and nodded, knowing how desperately he needed this contact. The attraction between the two of you was undeniable, but that wasn’t what this was about right now. Right now it was about him.

Bucky began removing the rest of his clothes and you rolled over to give him privacy as he bared himself to you. You felt the bed dip down beside you and the covers lift. When he was settled you rolled over to face him. The sadness in his eyes broke you. You reached over and pulled him halfway on top of you so that his cheek rested on your chest and yours rested on top of his head.

He wrapped you up in his arms, holding on for dear life, and as your fingers resumed trailing through his hair, then over his shoulders, and down his back, you felt his entire body rack with sobs.

“Doll, you’re so good to me. I don’t deserve this,” Bucky said through shaky breaths.

You kissed him on top of his head, holding him as the tears fell, tracking glittering paths between your breasts. And he clung to you, held on like you were the only real thing he’d ever touched.

The two of you stayed like that for a long time, until eventually you felt his entire body relax into yours. Bucky nuzzled your neck with his nose and placed a chaste kiss under your jaw. You looked down to see him staring at you with a hunger in his eyes, remnants of tears still clinging to his lashes.

He shifted himself and that’s when you felt him against your thigh. All of him. Your stomach swam with butterflies.

“I need you,” he whispered as he nipped your ear with his teeth.

“Then take me,” you breathed, pulling his face down to yours.

Your lips met in a hard kiss that was all teeth, tongue, and hot breath. Bucky pulled you in tighter to himself as he moved from your lips to your neck, then back to your lips.

“I will take you,” Bucky said, pressing his hardness against you, “I’ll take every piece of you, because you’re mine.”

Your breath hitched and an involuntary noise somewhere between a moan and whimper came from your mouth.

“But first,” he said, kissing a trail from your neck down to your chest, and over the still wet paths his tears had trekked, “I’m going to worship every inch of this body,” He said as he took your nipple into his mouth.

You gasped out loud and tightened your grip on Bucky’s hair.

After taking his time with your breasts, he moved to your belly. His long soft hair dragging and tickling, in the wake of his nibbles and kisses.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted this?” He asked you, punctuated between kisses, “How long I’ve wanted to touch you, to feel you?”

You shook your head, unable to form a coherent sentence.

“From the moment I laid eyes on you, Doll. From the moment I first spoke to you, you’ve brought a peace into my life that I’d forgotten could exist.” He kissed around your belly button, “You did all that by just being you, by existing, and I was content with that. But when you looked at me the way you did on that couch, I couldn’t help but fall to my knees and beg you to give me whatever you were willing to offer. I would do anything for you, Y/N. Anything. I’m yours to command, I just need to feel you, and then I’ll know I’m home.”

Bucky trailed kisses down the inside of your right thigh before hooking it over his shoulder, then the left. He took his sweet torturous time, savoring every inch of you like you were the only thing that mattered in this world.

“Bucky,” you whispered, begging him to continue.

You looked down at him and saw blue eyes framed with dark lashes staring back at you.

“You’re so beautiful, Doll,” he said before licking a stripe up your center.

You gasped and gripped his dark hair, pressing his face back into you. He willingly obliged, devouring you like you were his last meal. He brought you to the edge, then pushed you over. You cried out in pleasure as he carried you through your orgasm.

Bucky dipped his fingers inside you, “Mmm, so wet for me.”

His words brought you back to Earth and you needed more of him. You pulled him up your body and felt him line up with you, pressing on your wet entrance.

He buried his face in your neck as you wrapped your arms around his back and your legs around his hips. You both cried out as he entered you in one smooth motion. He felt so good.

Bucky whimpered and buried his face deeper in your neck, “Oh, Doll, you feel so good,” he whispered against your skin as he began to rock his hips.

You gasped and felt his lips come down on yours as he quickened his pace. What started out as slow and sensual, quickly turned desperate, fevered, and wild.

So enraptured in bliss, and feeling your next orgasm building, you never opened your eyes after the kiss as Bucky mercilessly thrust into you.

“Look at me,” Bucky said with a harshness to his voice that quickly turned into a plea, “Please, I need you to look at me.”

You opened your eyes and could have sworn you saw the dark shadow of the Soldat dance across his impossibly blue eyes.

That was enough to push you over again. You clenched around him as you called out his name, and he was a goner too. Chest to chest, he pulled you even tighter into himself as he came as hard as you did.

You both laid there for a while, breathing. His heavy body was a comforting weight on top of you. Bucky kissed you on your lips, then your forehead, before rolling off you and pulling you with him.

He was the one holding you now. His metal arm felt cool against your hot skin and you buried your face in his chest, breathing him in.

“Doll,” he said, kissing the top of your head as he pulled you closer, “I don’t ever wanna let you go.”

Bucky met you five years ago on the first day of law school. You were placed in the same section and that meant that you saw one other every single day in each of your classes. At the time neither of you even considered dating as an option, let alone saw one another as anything other than classmates. The only thing that 1L managed to do was pit the two of you against each other. Every class, every extracurricular activity, and every clerkship opportunity was a competition and that continued all the way through 3L. Who can score the highest in Prof. Banner’s class? Who can dominate the other in moot court? Who can spend their summer clerking for the more reputable law firm? Your rivalry was continuous and unfaltering.

Law school was a rough ride and both of you strapped in for those three years with severe tunnel vision towards your goals. That’s how the two of you ended up at the law firm of Stark & Odinson, one of the most prestigious firms in the world. All that competition made you both strive to be the best possible and in the end it was worth it.

When you and Bucky started at the firm two years ago you decided to form a truce. You acknowledged that the irritating rivalry helped you get your dream job. He conceded and told you that he knew he wouldn’t be where he was if it were not for your headstrong opposition.

The need for competition no longer existed once you joined Stark & Odinson because now the two of you were playing for the same team. Years of arguing against one another made you both excellent at making your cases. As a pair together you obliterated the firm's adversaries and made a name for yourselves as the top junior associates.

Not long after starting at the firm Bucky started to see you in another light. He always knew you were brilliant, that was an obvious given. He also knew that you were beautiful, but there was no time to even consider that when he needed to stay focused to reach his goals. However, the longer he spent working alongside you, the more he realized what was always in front of him.

You were everything he wished for in a life partner. Your brains, your beauty, your ambition, and your fire were qualities he envisioned his future wife would have. In fact, he told himself he wouldn’t get married unless he met someone as determined as him. You were there all along, but he was never in the right mindset to see it.

You worked long hours together preparing for whatever the senior associates needed, but given the vast size of the international firm you two were not the only junior associates. The law was a male-dominated field and you were one of the only women to earn her spot at the firm two years ago. This meant a lot of the young associates had their eyes on you. Bucky did his best to ward them away — telling them about how intense and hardworking you were. He also mentioned how dating wasn’t a priority for you and how you valued your independence.

He wasn’t really sure if the last part was true, but he knew you were a lot like him and in the time that he knew you there had never been any mention of dating or a relationship.

You often hung out together after work because without the rivalry you realized you two had a great deal in common. This sparked a real friendship; in fact Bucky would consider you one of his best friends. You often got food together on your breaks, and even frequently spent your free time together because you enjoyed each other's company so much. This was why he had been cautious when it came to telling you how he felt. He didn’t want to hurt the dynamic duo you had become at the risk of finding out the feelings were unrequited — but he also knew each day being so close yet so far from you was eating away at his heart.

Unfortunately for Bucky, he was not the only one secretly admiring you. When the son of the senior partner, Thor Odinson laid his eyes on you he was bewitched.

He easily got his spot at the firm thanks to good ol’ nepotism but he still worked to keep it. Thor was one of the firm’s top litigators — although not the sharpest tool in the shed when it came to writing and researching. That’s where you came in. You didn’t work for Thor, but he asked to have you assigned to his cases because he knew you were a whiz at it all. You didn’t mind because you got to work on amazing cases alongside one of the most charming attorney’s you had ever met. You had a little crush, although you were wary of admitting that.

If you were being honest with yourself, you always held out hope that Bucky would see you as more than a friend. You knew from all the time that you spent together that it would be a perfect match, if only he could see that too. Thor was wonderful eye candy though, and you were happy to be in his company.

A confession surfaced one late night as you and Thor parsed through interrogatories, getting ready for an upcoming deposition. “Y/N, how long have we been working together?”

“I think we‘ve been at this for about five hours,” you replied nonchalantly.

“No, not tonight, I mean how long have we been working together on all my cases?”

“Oh, I think it’s been about three months since I started on your caseload,” you said. “Why do you ask?”

He smiled softly, “No reason in particular, I was just thinking about how little I know about you.”

“Right, that’s true. But there’s not much to know, I stay busy with work as you’ve seen. When I’m not here I’m usually hanging out with Bucky or friends from Pilates,” you volunteered with abandon because your mind slowly turned to mush throughout the evening.

“Bucky, he’s your boyfriend?” Thor asked with piqued interest.

You furrowed your brows, “Oh no, we went to law school together,” you offered. “He’s one of my best friends and favorite colleagues, but definitely not my boyfriend.” Why does Thor want to know about this all of a sudden?

“Good, that’s good to know.”

“Why’s that good?”

“Because I think you’re absolutely beguiling, and I like you,” he said matter-of-factly.

What the hell! “Thor, what the hell?” you asked in surprise with a disbelieving grin.

“Have I upset you? Goodness, Y/N that was never my intention. We can pretend like I didn’t say that,” he said in hopes of not making you uncomfortable.

“No, no it’s not that. I think you’re very handsome and kind, I just never thought you would be into me.”

“That’s preposterous, I noticed your beauty from the moment I saw you. My interest only further developed once I got to know you better. You’re a force to be reckoned with, Y/N, I admire you.”

Heat rose to your cheeks at that, “Thank you, Thor. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll have dinner with me tomorrow night.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, we work together so much,” you stated begrudgingly.

He smiled, “True, but you also think I’m handsome,” he said as he wiggled his eyebrow.

You bursted out in laughter, “You’re not wrong, I do…” I wish I could talk to Bucky about this right now. He’d probably think it’s a bad idea that would deter me from doing my best work. But I’ve sacrificed so much to get here, I deserve to have fun too. Ugh, why am I thinking about Bucky at all right now.

After a moment to think under Thor’s sparkling gaze you responded with a beaming smile, “Why not. Let’s do it."

Thor matched your smile, “Wonderful, I’ll have Wanda make us a reservation for tomorrow at 7.”

┈┈┈┈┈・・

The date with Thor was amazing to say the least. He took you to a gorgeous French restaurant with stunning panoramic views of the city. He listened and gave you his full attention throughout the date, and shamelessly flirted now that he knew you liked him too. It was fun and liberating to be with him. By the end of the night the two of you shared a heated kiss outside your door. The kiss didn’t feel as fiery as you had hoped, but you felt desire for him nevertheless.

Over the coming weeks you two secretly hung out and got to know one another intimately. Thor was a strong and dominating lover — he took care of you and ensured he left you in elated bliss. You enjoyed him but despite the heat you felt with him; that seemed to be all you had. There was no substance, no spark, nothing in common. So you told him, casual friends with benefits was all you were interested in with him, to which he happily agreed. He knew he'd be crazy to turn down a no strings attached relationship with a woman as gorgeous as you.

Bucky noticed you had been distant for a few weeks and he couldn’t fathom why. He wondered if he had done something wrong or if you were okay. It seemed as though all your free time was occupied these days. He missed you, so he set out to find out what had gotten into you.

He couldn’t wait until after work because you kept disappearing without letting him know what you were up to. Instead he went off to find you around the office. You weren’t at your desk, nor were you working with any one else by the looks of it. Then he remembered how much time you had been spending on Thor’s caseload, so Bucky decided to check in his corner office.

On the way over he heard giggling and playful arguing. “Thor please, we have to get through this otherwise it’ll look like I’m slacking off,” you exclaimed with a grin.

With his arms around your waist, “Don’t worry about it, my lady. I’ve got an in with the boss. You can do whoever you want,” he said with a cheeky smile.

“Don’t you mean whatever I want, Thor?”

“No Y/N, I mean whoever.” Thor said with a laugh. He was insatiable, and only a little bit kidding. You swatted at his chest and told him to stow it for later.

Bucky peeked through the door and with bewildered eyes saw you wrapped up in Thor. He watched as you beamed at the handsome man with his arms around you. His stomach constricted at the sight. He felt his heart physically shatter — he waited too long. You looked up just in time to catch him walking away.

For the rest of the day, Bucky was unable to get anything done. He knew he messed up and he lost you. You belonged to Thor now, and the thought of that made him feel sick. The hopes he had for the two of you would never be.

┈┈┈┈┈・・

You had finally finished your work for the day and decided it was time to go home. On your way to the elevator you thought about how weird your day went. You felt incredibly guilty for being seen with Thor. You weren’t embarrassed to have been caught with him, but you felt bad that Bucky had to find out that way. Bucky was your best friend, and you probably should’ve told him about your little arrangement with Thor; but the two of you never shared details about your relationships. Bucky had always been tight lipped about his dating life, and you decided to be the same way in turn. It wasn’t like you had many boyfriends to talk about anyways, the spontaneous hookups from time to time was not worth mentioning. And if you were being honest, the thought of Bucky with someone else was very off putting so you never asked.

Why is Bucky on my mind when I’ll be heading to see Thor soon? Deep down, you knew why you felt so uncomfortable. You and Bucky had been incredibly close for the past two years. You had history, and there was always something more lingering at the surface that you were unwilling to explore. You really liked him, you realized you might even love him but you knew there was no use in dwelling on that.

At first, when you started to work together at the firm it became glaringly obvious that there was something between you two. You had chemistry, you had a spark, and you were drawn to him. You thought he might have felt the same way until you overheard him telling some of the other associates how intense and independent you were among other things. He made it sound like your qualities were bad, even though he was the same way. You couldn't be mad at him however, because you knew it was the truth, and it helped keep the other guys in the office away from you. Nevertheless, from that day you swore to keep your feelings on the back burner. You’d always hold a candle for him, but the fact remained — Bucky Barnes wasn’t into you. However, that didn’t mean he couldn’t be your friend.

As you rounded the corner to hop onto the elevator you noticed that one was already open. You quickly got in only to be met with Bucky himself looking awfully disheveled and tired.

The moment you stepped into the elevator you felt awkwardness in the air. “Hey Bucky,” you said with a cordial smile.

“Hey,” he responded with a tight smile. You both looked everywhere but at each other. You felt your guilt, he felt his heartbreak. This wasn’t the way best friends acknowledged one another. But Bucky couldn’t help but feel utterly broken knowing that you belonged to someone else.

After a beat Bucky couldn't help but ask, “So you and Thor, huh?”

You cleared your throat, “Oh you saw that, huh. It’s nothing.”

“Didn’t look like nothing,” he said as he looked directly in your eyes.

You laughed awkwardly but felt slightly angry at his insinuation. It was none of his business, he didn’t even think you were worth dating given what he’d said about you in the past. “I didn’t know that you cared about these kinds of things, Buck. I’m pretty sure you think I’m—”

Suddenly the elevator stopped in a screeching halt. The lights above you flashed a couple times and you realized the elevator was stuck. Oh great, just what you needed.

Bucky looked up in exasperation and pinched the bridge of his nose. You took a deep breath and calmed yourself. After a minute, you pushed the emergency button and connected with the operator who told you that help was on the way — no telling how long it’d take, but to hang tight.

You tried to break the tension, “Hope you didn’t have to pee,” you said with a dry chuckle.

He looked at you with sadness in his eyes, “Can we continue our conversation?”

There was a brokenness to him that you were now noticing. “You want to talk about my relationship status right now?”

“Well yeah, Y/N. We’re stuck in here for a bit and I want to know what’s going on with you. Why have you been so distant lately? We used to spend so much time together,” he said sadly.

The anger burned out of you when you saw how genuinely hurt he looked because of your actions. You weren’t being a great friend by suddenly blowing him off for weeks without offering an explanation.

“Bucky, I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve been busy, I’m sorry I haven’t been prioritizing our friendship. Thor and I have been working nonstop in preparation for the Pierce trial.”

“And that’s just it, you and Thor have been working? C’mon Y/N, how naive do you think I am,” he said with a tinge of anger and a sarcastic eye roll.

“Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been a bad friend to you, Bucky. Sorry for blowing you off, but yes, I’ve been seeing him in my free time. I didn’t think you’d care to know about that, we never talk about that kind of stuff.”

He looked at you with a tight smile. He knew there was nothing more for him to say. He knew that he had no claim on you and it was unfair to assume that he did. But he adored you, you were supposed to be his future. You blew it, Barnes. He leaned against the wall in the corner, looked down at the ground, and refrained from meeting your eye.

No response — this might be the first time you had rendered him speechless.

You couldn’t help but feel guilty at the sight of him. He looked broken up about something he wasn't saying.

“Bucky, what is it? Seriously, what’s gotten into you. We’ve had months where we’ve been too busy to hang out. Why are you acting like this?”

He looked at you with woeful eyes, “Why did you have to pick him?”

“Well he asked me out, Bucky. You’ve seen him, and he’s a nice guy. He understands the busy schedule I have and we’ve been having a lot of fun when —”

“Please just stop, okay I get it. He’s handsome, next in line to be a partner at the firm, and he’s nice to you,” he said resentfully. An even deeper sadness washed over Bucky as he listened to you talk about Thor. “It all happened so suddenly, I was wrong to assume I still had time,” he said softly under his breath.

Your breath hitched as you started to process why Bucky was acting like this. It would’ve been obvious had you not heard what he said about you in the past. “Still have time for what? You think I’m too intense and independent, you can’t mean what I think you do?” you asked with wide eyes and a touch of hope in your voice.

He met your gaze ruefully, “So you overheard one of my talks with the guys.” The gears started turning in his head, “Wait, so you’ve thought all this time that I thought those qualities were a bad thing? Y/N, your determination and drive are some of the best things about you. I wouldn’t be the man I was today if I had not met you. Your passion drives me to be a better attorney. I only told them those things because I wanted them to leave you alone. I didn’t want them asking you out or bothering you. Not when I wanted you all to myself.”

And there it was — the truth was finally out in the open.

“You... you wanted me all to yourself,” you whispered.

“I have for two years now, but I know I missed my chance. I was so stupid to think you’d be around forever. I should’ve stepped up and told you, I shouldn’t have been afraid of hurting our friendship,” he paused to look at you with pitiful eyes.

“I’ve kept this bottled up for so long out of fear of hurting what we had, and now here I am. I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore. I’m sure it’ll be hard to be close when you know I’m in love with you,” he sunk to the ground once he finished. You stepped across to his side and followed him down so that you were sitting side by side.

“Bucky you’ve said a lot of things and I need a moment to process,” you paused. After a minute you responded, “Not long after we first started here, I liked you a lot too, but after hearing what you said about me I thought you didn’t see me that way.”

“It’s my fault, I should’ve said something sooner. It shouldn’t have taken the sight of you with another man to make me admit my feelings,” he said with his eyes cast down.

Bucky no longer had the usual fight and fire that you knew so well — he was only remorseful for his lack of action.

“I think it’s important that I mention that I’m not seeing Thor because of his status at the firm. I’m also not in a relationship with him.”

Bucky looked up abruptly upon hearing your words. “Then really what did I see today?”

“Two people that are having fun together without any emotional attachments messing around at the office. I’m sorry you had to see that though, he could’ve been a bit less conspicuous.”

“So you’re just casual with him, you’re not — he’s not your boyfriend?”

“No, I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious. We don't have very much in common, and maybe a part of me realized my heart couldn’t belong to anyone else.”

“You don’t mean — you still like me?” he asked hopefully.

“Buck, I don't know how long I’ve loved you. You pushed me to be better and I always hated you for it,” you said playfully. “But, I’ve always admired you, and once we joined the same team it became hard not to care for you. I was content to be your best friend because at the very least I had some time with you.”

“I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot for waiting so long, Y/N.”

“If you’re an idiot, I’m one too. I could’ve asked you about what you said to the associates. There’s so many things we could have done differently,” you replied.

Bucky's eyes softened as he looked at you. “Do you think it’s too late for us to try?” he whispered.

“No, Bucky I don’t think it is,” you said with a smile.

For the first time that day he genuinely smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkled, and Bucky looked at you with all the love and admiration in the world. He reached out to grab your hand in your lap and intertwined his fingers with yours. You smiled at the sight of your hand in his and put your head on his shoulder.

You sat together in companionable silence for a few minutes until the elevator started to move and the doors finally opened properly, allowing the two of you to exit. You both grabbed your belongings and walked out together, hand in hand.

Bucky felt nothing but gratitude and joy as you both strolled down the sidewalk with fallen autumn leaves all around. “Wanna go to our favorite shawarma place, doll?” he asked gleefully.

“Sure, just let me text Thor first.”

Bucky’s heart suddenly raced, “What, why? Are you planning on seeing him still,” he asked as his hand reflexively tightened around yours.

“No, silly. Texting him to tell him I won’t be coming over tonight.”

“While you’re at it, could you tell him you’re never coming over again?” he asked sarcastically.

“Why you jealous, Buck? Aren’t you willing to share?” you asked teasingly to mess with him.

Bucky turned his head and met your gaze with pleading eyes, “Please you nearly gave me a heart attack, Y/N. I am incredibly jealous — I want you all to myself," he said with conviction.

You smiled softly at him, “Don’t worry, counselor. I’m all yours,” you said kindly as you wrapped your free hand around his bicep.

“I sure love the sound of that,” he breathed a sigh of relief and smiled to himself thinking about how you were finally his girl. “Who would’ve thought that we’d end up here after all these years?” he asked reminiscently.

“Not me, Buck. Not me,” you murmured as you squeezed his arm then leaned up to peck him on the cheek. His cerulean eyes looked down at you and as he blushed at your sweet display of affection.

The mornings without his love smell stale, metallic—a bitterness you can taste on the back of your tongue, made worse when you swallow. Like a pill taken dry, the imprint of his body on your sheets springs tears into your eyes, knots your stomach into complicated plaits. The dent in his pillow where his head should be.

But tonight, you're sick of hoping.

Tonight, when he gets up to leave, you don't pretend to be asleep.

It is well past midnight, and the sky outside your window is inky black, speckled with stars. Moonlight leaks onto your floor like water, slippery and shallow, and you feel him peel away from you, sit up on the mattress. Watch him stand, bedsprings groaning from his absence, until he is bathed in its glow. A meniscus of light on his stubbled cheek.

How delicate he looks, this man. This love of yours. How fragile and how deadly. A diamond catching the light.

He twists his artificial arm and your voice comes out in a rasp. Pain disguised as pleading.

"Bucky," you say. "Please don't leave."

Bucky startles and turns around to look at you. You, clothed in nothing but a sheet, eyes wide and glassy, your heart laid bare and open for him. You, whose name he had cried out just an hour or so earlier, buried in the depths of pleasure. Breath hot against your neck.

"Doll," he says, breathless, "I—I thought you were asleep."

You shake your head and Bucky's expression softens, as though he can see into your thoughts, read the words left unspoken on your tongue. No. Not asleep. I never was.

Your name falls from his lips in a tumble, then, with the kind of quickness that makes you interrupt, because you already know what he is going to say.

Not leaving, just going to the bathroom.

Not leaving, just going to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Not leaving, just needing some air.

Not leaving, just getting away from you; not leaving, just not staying; not leaving, except I am leaving, escaping actually, because I can't stand to be around you for longer than a night, because I don't love you in the same way you love me.

"I don't want you to go."

Bucky swipes a hand through his hair, tugs at the satiny strands. In the darkness of your bedroom, you swear his own eyes shine with unshed tears.

But he doesn't say what you'd expected. Instead, the words that come out of his mouth are ones you never thought you would hear.

"You should."

Suddenly his voice is raw and riddled with shame, strained in a way that makes you reach out for him on instinct. "Bucky," you say, hand hovering over the solid curve of his shoulder, "I don't—"

But you don't get to finish voicing your confusion. Bucky collapses onto the edge of your bed, body hunched, head turned away from you like he cannot bear to meet your eyes. "You should want me gone," he says again, quieter this time.

"But why—"

"Because." Now he swivels around to face you, wild and desperate, like a man starving. Metal hand fisting the sheets. "Because I'm not a good person, because you are. Because my hands are covered in blood. Don't you see?" He raises his right hand—palm facing you, fingers splayed like a starfish—to show you, but you don't see anything. How deep is your urge to lace your fingers through his own. "I touch you and it's both the best and worst thing I've ever done, and I feel selfish for it. For dirtying you."

His voice falls to a whisper now, cracked and hoarse. Face once more turned away, until all you can see is his profile, black against the moonlight.

"Because every night you fall asleep in my arms, I am reminded of how much I love you, and how much that scares me."

Your heart stutters, contorts, doubles over in a rush of sadness, and if you could wring the pain out of Bucky's own like a sponge you would do so in a heartbeat. Watch it swirl down the drain, a soapy mess of guilt and shame and self-reproach, of never being good enough.

How can he think he isn't good enough? He's that and then some, a man you'd grown to love not despite his past but because of it.

"Bucky." The softness of your tone must surprise him, because he flinches beneath your touch. But no response.

"James," you try again, using the name you'd never dared to utter once in all the time you'd known him. "Please. Look at me."

The unfamiliarity of his full name from your mouth catches his attention, and Bucky looks toward you, jaw clenched and forehead creased.

How to put the love you have for him into words? How to make him believe it?

"I love you," you say, because that's the unembellished truth of it. "I love you, and loving you is—"

"A nightmare."

"The best thing I've ever done." You grip Bucky's chin in your fingers and smooth a thumb over the pink fullness of his bottom lip, search for his eyes while he does his best to avoid yours. "You touch me and I feel safe, Bucky, not dirty. Like I never want to be touched by anyone again but you. If loving you is a nightmare, I never want to dream.

"But then you leave me," you add in a fractured voice, and his eyes flicker back to yours, pale blue and shiny. "Every morning, you leave me.

"I don't want to wake up by myself anymore."

A single tear slips from the corner of your eye, and Bucky wipes it away on instinct, the pad of his thumb rough against your skin. Rough, but gentle, because that's who he is. Your man. Your love.

Your voice is but a whisper, a breeze in the night. Hope disguised as a question.

"Will you hold me?"

In the darkness, he nods once.

Bucky looks around confused for a moment. His surroundings aren’t familiar and yet they are. Like it was pulled from a memory. A different time. A time that he was supposed to live through but it was taken away from him.  

He notices the fireplace is lit, allowing warmth through the room. A warmth that he has missed since losing her.

There’s a smell in the air… the sweet smell of cherry pie. Homemade. He follows it, leading him into the kitchen.  There’s the sound of humming, a tune he used to know. Bucky looks for whoever it is coming from. On the dinner table there are three courses prepared, a salad of mozzarella and tomato with basil leaves and dressings, coquilles St Jacques and beef wellington with gravy and roasted potatoes for mains.

He doesn’t remember when the last time he had a nice meal like this was… if ever.

“My love!” A head pops out of a cupboard and Bucky’s heart stops for a second. “You’re home from work! Why didn’t you call out?”

She keeps speaking but Bucky can’t process what’s happening.

“Long and hard day, huh?” she smiles at him even though he doesn’t respond.

She puts down whatever she took out of the cupboard and walks toward him, giving him the opportunity to take her in.

She wears a square neckline dress with mini daisies printed all over and plain black heels that give her a little height. An apron wraps around her waist. Her [H/C] hair is in familiar pin curls with a gold barrette. A present he had gotten her while they were… he doesn’t remember specifically.

She reaches him and wraps her arms around him, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Bucky hugs back immediately, breaking out of his shock.   He takes a deep breath and her smell drives him crazy.

She pulls back but Bucky catches her chin and gives her a deep, passionate kiss. He adds tongue to the mix and she giggles.

“Hello to you too, cowboy.”

“Y/N,” he finally utters her name now that he knows it’s all real.

She smiles her charming smile and looks at him in adoration.

“Why don’t you rest up, the pie is almost done. I made your favourite, of course.”

“I can help out,” he offers.

“Don’t be silly. There’s nothing to do but wait. I’m just going to tend to my garden. Want to come with?”

“Of course,” he replies immediately. He isn’t going to waste a second that could be spent with her.

He sits on the patio table and pours them both a glass of iced tea.

“How are the…” he tries to guess what kind of flowers they are.

“Forget-me-nots,” she laughs at his attempts.

Huh, forget-me-nots. How ironic.

“They’re well, loving the soil here. It’s like magic,” she smirks.

Bucky just smiles fondly at her as he watches.

“I was thinking maybe you could build us a bird bath? I heard a few blue jays around here…”

“Yeah, no problem. I can do that for ya, doll.”

“You’re the best, Bucky.”

“Only for you.”

She waters a few of her other flowers and her herb garden then an alarm rings.

“Pie’s ready!” Y/N says. She removes her gardening gloves and holds out a hand to Bucky which he takes. With his other hand he picks up both empty glasses.

The sit at the table once all the plates are set with food.

“So, how was work?”

Bucky chuckles, not knowing what to say. “It was… busy.”

“I’m so excited that Wanda and Vision have finally moved in! It’s been a long time coming.”

Wanda and… Vision? Bucky thinks. Isn’t he-

“Of course I’ll have to drop by a house warming present tomorrow. I wanted to go see them today but I thought it would be best to give them a little privacy,” she smirks. “I know for our honeymoon we wanted it.”

Honeymoon? Bucky’s eyebrows furrow. He looks down at his left ring finger and sure enough there’s a wedding band there. He does a double take. What isn’t there is the vibranium of a metal arm. He clenches his fist. He didn’t notice earlier, too taken by his soulmate right in front of him as gorgeous as the day he met her. The day he met her… he can’t for the life of him remember when that was or how it happened.

“What’s wrong my love?” Y/N asks, concerned.

“Nothing. Just, thinking about our wedding day,” he replies, quick to come up with a fabrication considering he is a trained… what? Salesman?

Y/N smiles her stunning smile and her [E/C] eyes sparkle. “The second happiest day of my life.”

“And what was the first?” Bucky asks though he can guess the answer. She has told him before after all.

He smiles, meeting her eyes.

“That lake was beautiful. At such a low point in my life, I didn’t expect to meet such a handsome man there who would save my life.”

Lake? Bucky thinks. We met at the… nothing comes up no matter how hard he thinks.

“Yeah,” he agrees. The story doesn’t sound right… she was always the one to save him. From danger or despair.

“How do you like the food?”

“Delicious, doll. Thank you.”

Y/N gets up and places the napkin on the table as she goes to serve the pie. “Cream?”

“You know it,”

She places a plate with a slice in front of him once he had cleared his previous plate.

“Dottie’s having a little tea party in two days for the planning committee to discuss the town fundraiser.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s it for this year?”

“For the children,” Y/N answers simply.

He waits for her to elaborate but she doesn’t, just enjoys a bite of pie.

He chuckles. “Okay, well do you need any help with it, doll?”

She shakes her head. “No, love. They do want some cupcakes to serve there but I have a plan for that!”

“You’re a real peach, doll.”

They finish dinner and Bucky insists on washing and cleaning up.

He enters the living room to see that Y/N has the radio on, playing something slow and she has prepared for bed in a dressing gown and… Bucky’s eyes widen upon further inspection.

“Y/N…”

“I think you’ve had a stressful day at work, my darling. Want me to help you out?”

She rises from the couch and saunters toward him.

“I missed you,” he knows deep down that statement means more than just being away from her for a few hours at a 9 to 5 job but he doesn’t know why. Why would he miss her so much? He sees her every day…

Bucky is pulled from his thoughts as she puts a hand on his cheek. “I missed you too. I always do.”

He kisses her hard and longingly. Desperate for more of her. He doesn’t worry about being too rough, knowing how much she liked it -likes it.

They pull away out of breath, Y/N pulls his tie apart and throws it across the room. She forces his button up open in a fit of passion and takes his body in.

Bucky looks down at her as she stares. He looks to his left shoulder and there is nothing there, no scars no marks… no reminder of the great pain he has been through.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too, Buck.”  He rests a hand on her cheek and his thumb swipes across her blood red lips. He goes in for another kiss.

“Shall we take this upstairs, doll?” he asks.

She giggles and nods. He lifts her up with both hands on her behind and she wraps her legs around his waist as Bucky walks them to the bedroom, his lips on her neck.

They both lie on the bed, panting and exhausted after their night of passion.

Staring into her eyes Bucky feels compelled. “Do you ever think about having little versions of us running around in our new home?”

Y/N’s eyes widen. “You- you want…?”

“I was just thinking about it. I never really could before because of… Hydra-“ he cuts himself off. What’s Hydra?

“Right, your old company. They worked you to the bone! I’m glad you’re not with them anymore,” she answers for him.

“My… old company. Exactly,” something about it sounds right but also… wrong like a twisted truth. “So, have you?”

“I never did until you came along,” she confesses.

His heart soars. “Do you wanna try?”

She feels blood rush to her cheeks and nods eagerly. “I want to have everything with you, Bucky.”

“Let’s start now, I don’t wanna waste a second!”

“You’re ready again?”

“You know me and my libido, doll. Higher than most!”

She giggles and Bucky pulls the covers over them both.

Bucky had left for work, leaving Y/N to tend to her garden.

“Well, mornin’ there neighbour!” a chipper voice calls out across the fence.

“Morning Agnes!” Y/N greets the nosy neighbour. She’s sweet enough if not a little too snoopy. “And how are you this fine morning?”

“Well, just having a nice day to myself, Ralph’s mother in law finally left so I can just let loose again. And you? How are you and your hubby? Think I heard you both going at it into the early hours of dawn! It’s a miracle you’re lookin’ so swell! I might even say glowing,” she raises her brows suggestively.

Y/N chuckles. “Ha ha very funny Agnes,” she responds though she can’t help but hope. Especially after her’s and Bucky’s talk last night.

“So?”

“Oh, well we’re alright! He’s just… perfect,” she sighs.

“Sweetheart just you wait until that honeymoon phase is over. Then you’ll want to jump off a cliff!” Agnes laughs.

Y/N laughs with her but looks at the odd woman with furrowed brows. What an odd thing to say.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your nots and herbs! I’ve gotta get started on my spring cleaning!”

“See you later, Agnes!” Y/N calls out.

“Bye,” she sings away.

After tending to her garden Y/N decides to have breakfast. Loading up her ToastMate 2000 she fries an egg and some bacon. The toaster beeps to signal it has done its job and she butters up the toast and sets it on the plate.

After, she starts on putting together her housewarming present for Wanda and Vision. She has flowers and fruits freshly picked from her garden, champagne even though Vision can’t drink she’s sure Wanda will appreciate it. She begins to bake some brownies, enough for herself and Bucky and to give to her friends.

Once everything is packed in a basket she decides to get ready.

Using her Hydra Soak luxury bath powder Bucky had bought her she relaxed in the tub for a little while.

She towels off and heads to her walk-in wardrobe. She ponders on what to wear but settles on a simple polka dot dress and red heels. Y/N does her make up in the classic way, matte eyeshadow, bold black eyeliner and a bright red lip. Smiling to herself in the mirror she sets off to her best friend’s home with her basket of gifts.

“Mornin’ Y/N!” she hears a familiar voice call out to her.

She turns around and smiles, “morning Dennis!”

The chipper mail man grins. “Whatcha doin’ with that?” He nods to the basket in her arms.

“Oh, it’s for my friend! A housewarming present. She’s just moved in on the block,”

“That’s mighty sweet of you Y/N! Well how’s the husband?”

“Bucky’s doing just fine! He’s working right now but I’ll tell him you asked about him!”

“Cool beans. I hope he’s not having those nightmares as badly now!” He waves away.

“Nightmares?” Y/N frowns but he’s too far to hear her.

“What are ya doin’ just standing there for, toots?” Agnes’s voice breaks her from her thoughts.

Y/N chuckles and shakes off the feeling of uncertainty. “Just on my way to Wanda’s!”

“Well you have a good day, dear,” her tone a little more serious.

“You too, Agnes.” The nosy neighbour watches as she walks off.

Y/N comes to the front door of Wanda’s house and uses the door knocker.

“Just one moment!” The voice of her best friend calls bringing a smile to her face. The door swings open and reveals a stunned looking Wanda. “Y/N?”

“Good morning, neighbour!” She lifts up her basket to show Wanda. “Got you a housewarming present!”

Wanda envelopes Y/N in a tight hug. “You’re here,” she whispers.

“Sorry I didn’t come by yesterday. I figured you’d want some alone time with Vision,” she smirks as she pulls away.

“Uh- I’m glad you’re here. I missed you,” Wanda says though it is in a way that seems to hold more to it.

“Well it hasn’t been that long!”

Wanda chuckles and smiles. “No, it hasn’t. But that doesn’t mean I can’t miss you!” Wanda replies in a much more cheery tone. “Well, come on in dear! Let me take that, thank you so much!” Wanda takes the basket and looks inside. “These are perfect! And brownies? You know me so well.” She smiles fondly.

“Lovely home, Wanda!” Y/N says looking around.

“So,” Wanda starts as she takes Y/N’s hands in her own and sits them down on the couch. “Tell me, how is everything?”

“Bucky and I are doing great!”

“Bucky?” Wanda looks stunned for a moment. “He’s… here too?”

“Well not right now, he’s at work, silly billy!”

Wanda smiles and nods, “of course.”

“Actually, we had a little conversation last night…”

“Oh?” Wanda asks, curiosity piqued.

“It wasn’t explicitly said but… Bucky wants… kids,” she whispers as if it’s a secret even though it is just the two of them in the house.

Wanda exclaims theatrically. “Kids?! That’s absolutely… wonderful!”

Y/N smiles, relieved, “I am so glad you think so, Wanda! I was worried you wouldn’t agree!”

“Well why would I ever? I support any decision you make!”

Chapter 2

I hope you enjoyed! Chapter 2 is now up! 💖💖

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