#rkjongin

she liked keeping busy, she liked watching people come together in time for the holiday season; actually was enthralled with the late nights and the small conversations she’s held with everyone at their most vulnerable moments. where exhaustion exists and formalities are dropped because of it. then again, also knowing it was a possibility it would be her last evaluation as a trainee seemed to sweeten the deal : made her work harder, want to spend a little bit more time with those she knew she’ll miss in the new year.

the day goes by and night soon falls; seven pm sharp do metaphorical curtains rise and everyone is in position. the first stage begins and it’s the song that has jihyun rushing from where she stood among the other trainees, pushing past others to sneak a peek from the wings. watching with warm hearts and a proud smile as jongin and minyoung sang on stage. their voices mingling together in a way jihyun could only remember so fondly. days of their time in new york coming back to her as they sang, tales of obnoxious karaoke and sleepy carols had nothing on what the two were performing on stage.

it all comes back to her and as warm as it makes her feel, revisiting fond memories; she’s sad she can’t join them -- retreats before they can see her. her regrets left on the back burner as she’s back to reciting the lyrics of her own performances. when it ends, she spots them in the crowd so easily ; a hand rising in acknowledgement as she waves to them from where she stands in the crowd, amidst the rest of the trainees going here and there, to and from the stage -- trying to keep their nerves under wraps as the concert continued. because at the end of the day, it was still an evaluation and as much as she wanted to wrap her friends in her arms and congratulate them on how well they sounded -- it was best to leave such wishes for the end.

they all still had a show to put on. and jihyun knew better than anyone that putting a half-assed performance for the crowd would be her own undoing. so, she does as she’s told ; instructed by staff to stand where they need her to. waits for her turn to enter the stage, microphone attached to the silk of her cheek by clear tape.

one breath, two -- eyes face the wall behind them, backs to the crowd. the voices from behind already buzzing in her ears before the music begins. the excitement that sinks into her veins, energizing her -- reinventing the thoughts that had clouded her in misery earlier. the smile she dons when she turns, choreography mended into her very bones, becomes more genuine as the song continues -- to the very last bow, it brings the festive holiday spirit back into her eyes.

it continues throughout the concert; ( a sensation that jihyun thanks when it all ends ) from one performance to another. as be my baby comes, she’s rather thrilled for the performance. and unlike her performances at royal survival, save for a few, she feels a liveliness in her -- one she can say isn’t specified as competitiveness or desperation. this one keeps her happy, smile growing wider as she dances around the stage; each movement made to mirror another trainees from beside her. it lacks the christmas-time spirit, unfortunately, but they make it work.

jihyun was sure she could supply enough christmas spirit for the performance if they needed it.

the two had decided against practicing together. jaebum liked the authenticity of rocking up and just doing their thing. rehearsals weren’t fun either, and jaebum had had enough of them to last him a lifetime. jaebum follows jongin’s prompts as they settle on the floor in front of a camera, it ready to record their performance. jaebum’s a little nervous, shy. he’s so used to performing in front of hundreds of people in live settings. but those days are gone, the stage persona has been laid to rest. it was just im jaebum now. jongin introduces himself, and jaebum before revealing their collaboration song; home is far away by epik high, featuring oh hyuk. 

jaebum opens, the original’s piano absent and instead replaced by jaebum and his guitar. jongin sings and jaebum plays, nodding his head to the beat, eyes fixated on his calloused fingertips and the way they move from chord to chord with ease. muscle memory. jongin’s voice fades out and jaebum begins his rap. it too is muscle memory, the lyrics ingrained in his memory only not written, just heard. rapping feels so foreign despite it being something he knows he can do.

nothing has changed, i’m alone in this playground. i got on top of the high bars, but i’ve been on my tip toes all my life. what’s always been asked of me, is to reach a bit higher than i’m able to. the standards of the world is becoming like everest, the more i go towards the top, stress builds up like a mountain, i know i can never rest. no sleeping pills to put my anxieties to sleep, so i’m biting my tongue and staying up all night. since i was young, i was taught to stay in line, now i know why. complicated relationships, it’s a paradox. only relationships exist and there’s no room for humans. afraid of becoming ordinary, i dreamed a dream. but now i’m jealous of the ordinary. as i stand alone in the rain, if you don’t grow, growing pains is just pain.

the lyrics resonate with jaebum deeply, in a way he hadn’t expected them to. that feeling when life becomes too much, when the urge to run from everything is so strong. he’s been there, done that, tried that. it reminds him of the past, what he used to be. his rapping is melodic, not overly aggressive nor soft spoken. the lyrics speak volumes and jaebum’s merely there to speak them. he glances to jongin as he begins the chorus, still nodding his head along to the beat played by himself on the guitar. his focus returns to where it initially was before he then moves into the second rap verse. another hard hitting set of lyrics in jaebum’s mind.

i get more and more scared, i’m running but my feet and heart forget why. dreams just become baggage now, my only hope is to just leave it behind and run. rushing myself to take just one more step, but when i looked up, i’m right in front of a cliff. i look back and all these expectations are lined up behind it. it pretends to support me but it’s pushing my back. i wanted to place a comma in my heart sometime, but now it’s mixed up with all these numbers. the calculating world holds out it’s hand, i don’t want to hold it but i’m even more scared of being empty handed. i can hold it but would time really be the only thing that goes away? as i look at the cloudy sky, i thought, i used to have dreams at one point. tonight is another sleepless night.

jongin takes over, singing the bridge as the two of them move into the final portion of the song. jaebum is somewhat impressed they managed to get this far without any blunders, although it would be easy enough to hit pause and redo the whole thing. but no one wanted to do that ten times over. jaebum forgoes the rapping, showcasing his vocal abilities for a mere few seconds, jongin supporting. the two sound good together, or at least their voices worked well in a song. jaebum wonders if a second collaboration might ever come of the two of them?

is there no place for me in this big world? am i alone in this crowded street? is there no empty seat for me? so far away.

what i had to do, there was something other than making money. what i had to do, there was something other than making money. what i had to do, there was something other than making money. where i had to go, there was some kind of dream for me too, some kind. there was some kind of dream.