arduus ad astra

jinwook insists on experiencing the pacific ocean fully, but the water’s cold, so they work up to it. first is a pleasant walk along the shore, tide lapping at their bare feet. they pick up seashells along the way; some with shards chipped off the edges, or dark marks interrupting the natural pattern, all still pretty on their own. jinwook could make a metaphor of it, because he hasn’t been able to turn off his songwriter-brain lately, but instead they’ll probably just leave the imperfect ones behind. he would feel guilty taking too many shells from the coastal habitat, anyway.

second is hyun’s request: a sandcastle, or what they can manage of one without a bucket, or shovel, or a castle mold. mostly, it’s just a misshapen pile of damp sand. jinwook laughs so much his sides hurt, and takes a shaky photo of it that he’s not positive deserves to make the final cut for instagram. 

finally, when the sun feels hot enough to justify it ( and with hyun’s declaration that he’ll be the one to rescue jinwook first ) — they make the plunge into the water.

after, they drift toward the famous pier and walk some more. the hours pass too quickly, with greasy boardwalk snacks, souvenir shops, and lots of instagram photo-ops. they’re thinking about the next meal when jinwook tugs on hyun’s shirt, bringing them to a stop in front of a small accessories rack. “wait, i want to look at this.”

hanging from the display is a row of necklaces, each with a tiny bottle pendant attached. some have a rolled “message” inside the bottle, while others have colored grains of sand. jinwook picks up one of the latter and shakes it gently, watching it shift around. he has a similar one from home, filled with jeju sand. this one is made locally too, a sign asserts in english, although jinwook would rather fill it himself to make sure. he tests the seal of the bottle, debating whether it’d be silly to buy one, only to take it apart and refill it himself later.

hyun nudges him out of his thoughts and nods toward the shop. “hey, didn’t you mention you wanted another ear piercing?”

“huh?” jinwook looks up to see a teenage girl seated inside. another young woman hovers nearby with a piercing gun in hand. instinctively, he lifts a hand to tug on his own earlobe. “hm, one day, yeah.” he hums, returning his attention to the bottle. maybe they could fit a shell inside, if there’s one tiny enough in their collection.

“why not today?”

“what?” jinwook laughs, caught off guard. another glance inside the store, and after a long pause, jinwook isn’t sure if he’s joking. he lifts his eyebrows. “are you serious? our stylist noona would kill me!”

“nah,” says hyun, and as he continues jinwook can admit that he’s wrong before hyun even finishes saying it. the photoshoots and filming for their comeback are all completed, and there’s almost a month before they’ll have schedules to promote it. it’s nothing wild, and there’s plenty of time to take it out if he changes his mind.

jinwook’s quiet for a moment, still rolling the necklace between his fingertips. he knows he wouldn’t change his mind once it’s done. “i guess you’re right,” he says reluctantly. he searches his brain but can’t come up with another reason against it. well, it’s not like he hasn’t wanted the second piercings for years. he’s just never gotten the push to actually do it. now that the push is here, of course he’s balking.

but what better reason than to celebrate a first visit to america? and to add to a comeback that, for some reason, jinwook has a feeling will be something special? if nothing else, then to remember a happy, sunny day spent with one of his best friends. “i—” jinwook chews at his lower lip. he can’t believe he’s actually considering it out of the blue, although he’s always had trouble saying no to hyun. “maybe it would be fun.”

the door opens to reveal a group of convex members, filing into the room with enough noise to blow out the viewer’s speakers. jinwook grins extra wide at the camera and pretends to be shocked, with a pleased waaaaaah~! getting drowned out among the cheers.

taeyong leads the way, throwing confetti that seems magnetized specifically to jinwook’s hair. well, jinwook imagines it would make a mess to anyone’s hair, but most of the other members are wearing hats to hide their recent salon updates: jaehyun with a cap on, woohyun with his sweatshirt hood pulled up, and sangyeon, seungcheol, and hyun following close behind. it’s a pretty chaotic sight. jinwook can’t wait to check his social media later to find blurry screenshots and theories of each one’s new color.

the last member to enter is sehun, carrying a small rounded cake lit with live candles. it’s quite the entrance. as they all squeeze into the camera shot and sehun sets the cake in front of jinwook’s chair, the cheers settle into something more recognizable: happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! happy birthday dear jinwook, happy birthday to you!

it’s loud and chaotic and warms jinwook’s heart, smile splitting his face open as he sways along. when the song ends he closes his eyes and blows out the candles, and the room fills with more applause.

“thank you!!” jinwook says, almost at a yell. he tries again when the noise dies down. “thank you all, ahhh~ i’m so touched today~”  he holds a hand over his chest in a move that probably seems cheesy and insincere, but his heart really is racing. “even though it’s near the end, my teammates didn’t forget about me!!”

he slings his arms around the two closest members’ shoulders, having to reach up quite a distance to reach hyun’s. when jinwook looks up to joke about it, he’s reminded of another birthday gift. “oh—”

“how did i forget to mention earlier?!” jinwook reaches for his new songwriting notebook, and pulls a folded sheet of paper from the inside cover. “since hyun is here, i want to show consta another gift i received in the morning.” he laughs as hyun begins to protest — don’t show that, it’s embarrassing — and unfolds the paper. inside is a hand-drawn heart. “hyun gave me his heart~”

the room erupts in laughter and cooing and jinwook is floating on the adrenaline, easily surrendering the paper when hyun reaches for it again. it’s time for cake, anyway, and jinwook regains composure when he’s handed ( trusted with ) a large knife.

he fills the silence with music, his guitar in his lap. it’s an everyday sight, but jinwook realizes most fans won’t have heard him play much, so he takes care to warm up cleanly, and warm up his vocals too. he only alternates between a few simple chords, though. it’s the sort of background music he used to hear when he’d occasionally attend church services with eve. as jinwook plays he imagines an audience quietly filing in, taking their seats at his birthday party as they each receive the live notification. finally the staff motions for jinwook that the actual video is starting, and he rests the instrument in his lap, out of view for now.

“hello! i’m convex’s sunshine, jinwook.” the greeting is bright and familiar as he dips his head toward the camera. it’s unlikely that the viewers, who arrived so early from a notification, don’t know his name, but it can’t hurt to start off formally. “today is my birthday! yay!!” also evident from the title and the backdrop. jinwook gives himself a round of applause anyway. then he picks up a party hat from the table and slips the cone over his head. “tada~” 

“since we can’t meet in person, i wanted to greet you all with a live today to celebrate.” there’s a pause as jinwook adjusts the thin elastic of the party hat. he takes a breath. “last year, hmm...” he taps a finger to his cheek as he thinks back. “oh, last year i made cupcakes! i was helping our team sphere on the mgas.. so i couldn’t meet consta that time, either.” jinwook hums in thought, suddenly a bit nostalgic about his time as a coach. he shakes his head. “so i’m excited to try this out now.”

“let’s see...” he says, quickly moving on, “is everyone settling in here alright?” he peers over the tablet and rests a finger over the chat to pause its scrolling speed. the amount of viewers is staggering and the number only keeps rising, but jinwook focuses on the individual users sending messages instead. it’s a relief to see the majority in his native language. “hello and hello and hello,” he says, reading off a string of usernames and greeting each one individually, “and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming~!”

when jinwook releases his finger from the screen, the chat jumps back to life, shifting too quickly to read. he frowns and tries to pause it again. it takes some concentration to read off the unusual username combinations, but he does his best.

💬  :  happy bday 🥳 🥳 🥳 💬  :  you look handsome!!! 💬  :  happy birthday oppa~ 💬  :  thank you for being born 💖🎁🎁 💬  :  bare faced jinwook is the best!

“ah, thank you~ hello!! thank you too~ thank you for being by my side! oh! this one...” jinwook is startled into a laugh at the last comment, bringing a hand over his mouth. when he drops his hand he shows his full face to the camera, grinning. “this is definitely not bare faced jinwook, but, still i appreciate you thinking so~”

as he tries to keep reading, he tilts his head and squints. many of the messages are just full of celebrating emoji or animated emotes. it’s less to parse, but more noise to sort through. “ah, so much emoji in chat, you all must’ve learned from me, huh...” he muses.

after another minute he leans back again, his nerves settled. well, jinwook’s never had much trouble even talking to himself, so it shouldn’t surprise him that speaking to a bustling chat window comes naturally, too.

💬  :  did you have a good day so far?

“i’m happy today!” jinwook answers confidently. “my grandmother always wakes up early on sunday mornings, so i called her on the way to practice! and later tonight i’m going to video call with my family. actually i told my sister what time i was going live, so she might be listening too?” jinwook squints back down at the tablet and bites his lower lip. “ah, the chat is going way too fast to tell...”

💬  :  where are the other members!!

“hmm, training?” jinwook grins. “i’m taking a break to talk for right now~ but we are all working very hard otherwise!” he shares another smile, proud of himself for not mentioning anything further - although if his eyes sparkle, he can’t be held responsible. “they might stop by at the end!”

“that reminds me!” jinwook reaches below the table for his bag, pulling out a fresh journal that jaehyun had gifted him in the morning. he holds it up for the camera, proudly showing off the nice foil accents and the fold-out attachment. “my roommate, haru, got me this really pretty notebook. it’s supposed to work as a real midi keyboard.” jinwook’s runs his fingers over the cover. “he has good timing since i am almost out of pages in my old notebook... i’m excited to use it.”

💬  :  oppa’s hair is cool today!

“my hair, ah..” jinwook reaches absently to touch it, pleased. “it grew!” it’s worn longer than it was for pretty u era, freshly dyed and parted down the middle. he’s lucky he’s even allowed to have it showing for the live right now, since it’s a similar shade to his old cut. “i’m kind of happy, since it feels healthy recently...” he chuckles a little, the compliment leading him to another train of thought.

“speaking of cool, consta, did you guys see our call me baby special stage last week?” jinwook looks up to the camera and leans in, curious. “the concept was slightly darker for us, since unit black is so, you know... cool.” jinwook gestures vaguely but laughs at the understatement. it’s not a big enough word to describe some of the biggest superstars in the industry. “we have songs like rock but it’s different from convex‘s usual image, maybe,” he adds thoughtfully, knowing full well that their next comeback is inching in that direction. “do you think we suited it well?”

💬  :  convex is cool too!

jinwook nods, pleased by the positive responses in the chat. “so it was okay, then?” he laughs a little because of course, they’re all biased fans and he asked for it on his birthday, but it’s still reaffirming. “mmm, it still felt a bit refreshing and funky like convex, too. so i think there can be a middle ground,” he says, as if simply imagining how things could evolve in the future. “something smooth like that stage?”

something smooth. jinwook’s thinking of crazy in love, specifically, but the title song itself is an even bigger departure from their pretty u sound and aesthetic. “ah..” he shakes his head with a sheepish grin, “i think i’m rambling a lot.” jinwook takes a dramatic deep breath and collects his thoughts.

then he shifts away from the tablet to pull up the guitar in his lap. “i wanted to answer a lot of messages, but i actually prepared a song for you, too.” he strums a bright chord for emphasis. “it’s nothing fancy but i thought consta would maybe enjoy something like this. so i don’t have to sing happy birthday to myself, or anything,” he jokes.

🎵  :  heartz / minhee&luda — i’ll be there

“this is one of my favorite songs recently! i thought it would be nice for our fans, too.” it’d been an easy choice when jinwook was preparing for this stream. it’s a recent sphere release, plus he’s been listening to and singing the song since it came out, so he already knew most of the words. still, jinwook pulls up the lyrics on the tablet just in case. since he frames it as a fan song, there’s no need to change the gendered parts, although he doesn’t think he would have bothered, either way. 

jinwook only slows the tempo and lowers the key slightly to fit his guitar and his voice. the song has a different energy with an acoustic guitar instead of the bouncy synths, but it’s just as sweet and upbeat. he takes his time, singing all the way through both verses and two choruses. 

just before the bridge, jinwook trails off with a little smile. “ah, i just practiced up until here so far...” he keeps strumming idly as he leans over the tablet again. the comments flood with cheers that jinwook only can read some pieces of. it feels good, though, and jinwook feels confident about the vibe.

he watches several prying questions about heartz fly by in response, and carefully doesn’t acknowledge any of them. “of course i’ve been cheering for heartz,” is all he says. “i really liked around you and vivid also! and i’m excited for the next singles released this week, too.”

💬  :  please a convex song next!!

“oh,” he says, “a convex song?” jinwook takes a break, first, to roll out his wrists. then he hums in thought, searching for something he could play on the spot. “do you remember this one?”

🎵  :  convex — 20

he transitions into a familiar guitar intro. long-time fans might recognize it as the vocal unit song from convex’s debut album, but jinwook is pleased to introduce it to anyone else who’s unfamiliar. personally, he thinks it has held up pretty well over the past two years. “shh—” he mimics the sharp first line, then smiles as he continues strumming and begins to sing.

the song proves difficult to solo, and jinwook wishes he’d thought to prepare more material ahead of time. a medley could’ve been nice, but with all of the comeback preparations going on..... instead jinwook giggles as he trips over the lyrics, attempting the first verse’s backing and lead vocals both together. “hm..” he mumbles, glancing up at the camera. he casually redoes the section to make a decent recovery, and the chorus soars as intended. 

“ah...” says jinwook wistfully after he eases to a stop, “i’ll have to come back to that one someday. that one is nice to sing to consta, too. i always liked the lyrics a lot. you’re my twenties~”

he taps his fingers against the body of the guitar and is reminded of the special day. “but today my twenties are officially half-over, aren’t they? wah... scary....”

twenty-five. he stares blankly toward the tablet, thinking he should follow up: then i’ll just spend the second half of my twenties with consta!

these days, though, it feels like an unfair promise to make.

💬  :  like a gorilla like a gorilla!

his eye catches on one of the suggestions breezing down the chat window, and it interrupts his brooding with a burst of laughter. “gorilla? de:code’s gorilla?” he repeats. he tries a few chords but they’re not in the right key, and jinwook grins as he puts away his guitar on its stand. “i don’t know, that one would be an interesting acoustic cover.” he sings a little phrase of it anyway, a random adlib from the ending: “girl you make me feel~!”

“but!” he points a finger at the camera, not wanting his opinions to be twisted. “maybe one day i could cover their song beautiful, or i’m fine from predebut!”

💬  :  what are you listening to recently?

“hmm... what is new?” jinwook absently adjusts his elastic party hat elastic and pulls out his phone. “i like lee hi’s holo! per_se have a nice summer album.. with o sole mio, and of course...” jinwook hits a pretty falsetto as he opens the music app: “this is how i feel about you, twilight~”

“it’s like twilight, yeah~” he flicks through his playlist and wonders if he should just share screenshots of the whole thing on fancafe. “ah, and eclipse’s comeback!” he adds. “look, isn’t the album cover pretty?” his screen is probably illegible, when he holds it up close to show the camera, but at least his enthusiasm is clear. “i like their night side the best, with that unique rock sound...” jinwook pauses, and reconsiders. “actually, navillera was totally my style, too.” he shakes his head and grins. “eclipse is definitely cool no matter what.”

💬  :  it is already 4 in the morning here why 😭

english. jinwook has glazed over every message in foreign languages but he laughs at this one. he trips over a stilted reading of the comment, and quickly switches back to korean to answer. “i’m sorry ahh, next time i have to think of different timezones, right?” he tilts his head. “mm, it seems impossible to find a good time for everyone all around the world? but i’m happy you could visit with me for even a little bit. please make sure to rest well~” as an afterthought, he finishes in english: “and goodnight~”

💬  :  can you show a rap verse? 

“rapping?” jinwook’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he laughs out loud. “can i tell a secret?” it’s not the right question to ask, judging by the staff’s reaction. but jinwook leans in sneakily, and continues despite their concerned looks. “we tried to switch parts for adore u once, so i learned seungcheol’s rap! that choi seungcheol,” he says with a grin, “has pretty good expressions on stage these days... his parts are fun! i like practicing his pretty u verse, too.”

he tells the story casually, although that part switch was not just boredom in the practice rooms, but an official planned anniversary release. that weekend in incheon is still a fond memory despite the disappointment of never getting to see the final edit.

he rolls his shoulders. “anyway, i don’t have the nice low voice for it, but there is a little melody to his parts a lot of the time...” jinwook postures up for full effect and puts on his best rapper expression. “how can you dazzle so much? you’re so pretty it’s—”

it’s probably for the best that he is interrupted by a loud knock and a rowdy chorus of happy birthday starting right outside the door.