#rkhoon

the thought of even going to the nova building didn’t dare cross her mind for the first three days of august. meiqi found temporary purchase in a hospital chair by her cousin’s side, and only when he woke from the coma did she bother to remember that she’s a trainee with responsibilities, and she had disregarded them all without as much as a notice. so, after promising yukhei that she would visit with every chance she had, meiqi took off towards the nova building before any of the staff members noticed (she figured they already had, but were being lenient due to her recent model behaviour).

the lecture she got upon arrival had grated on her nerves. rather than punish her for her sudden disappearance, they wanted to reprimand meiqi for posting a god damn song. there was no “hello, meiqi, how have you been?” or “gee, you look like shit. did something happen?” at that point, she would have preferred to get yelled at for acting rashly so that she could unleash all of the emotions about her cousin that weighed on her shoulders. she hadn’t talked to anyone about it except her aunt, so a few sobs might have gotten her off the hook.

but no. nova didn’t care about anything except the possible profits they could lose off of a mere upload onto soundcloud. despite the staff member being semi-kind, meiqi couldn’t control how… insignificant she felt, and so of course, she had to make it worse.

“i’m not sorry for it.”

she had ranted about it to yukhei that evening, without knowing what else was to come. in a desperate attempt to get her to stop complaining, her cousin offered to help her choose her song for the evaluation (she ended up picking another, but she didn’t tell him that).

in the morning, meiqi had dashed around the seocho complex to find groups to join. initially, she had wanted only one other performance so that she could work on it quickly and then return to the hospital before visiting hours were over. somewhere along the way, after images of yukhei wrapped in bandages kept appearing behind her eyelids every time she blinked, meiqi had joined three other groups so that her mind could constantly be occupied; if she gave it no free time, then maybe she wouldn’t have to think about the fact that she almost lost her cousin the same way she lost her father.

and then those assholes had to make everything worsen, tenfold.

was hyun bin really stooping so low? meiqi couldn’t help but wonder if katie lee would treat her trainees in a similar way, or if she’d be much warmer. she liked to believe the latter, and for once since joining nova, she wished it had been another company.

for the next week, she had to deal with being monitored at a two-to-one ratio from lunch to dinner. the instructors were not kind, but maybe that was because meiqi refused to abide by their rules for the first two days. by day three, she decided to just grit her teeth and smile contemptuously. they had learned that running laps was no hindrance to meiqi, but push ups were; there was no way she was going to get down on that filthy floor, nor was she going to deal with the ache in her arms that followed.

though her afternoons were ruined, meiqi still tried to put her all into practicing each and every performance. rather than going to the hospital as soon as training ended, like she had promised, meiqi stayed until the early hours of the morning. whether it was to practice with other trainees, or to go through the motions of choreography herself, or memorize lines, almost every night consisted of only 3 hours of sleep at most, with the floor as her bed and her jacket as a pillow.

when august 11th came around, it got easier. she didn’t have to worry about the snobbish ladies whose sole job was to torture meiqi. from the texts her aunt sent her, yukhei was also doing much better and would be discharged soon. two of her biggest stressors were gone, and that was the first night meiqi returned back to her apartment and slept in her own bed, for a good 6 hours (she slept like a baby in chungha’s arms). the experience had her feeling refreshed, bringing back her positive attitude so that she could collaborate with her teams to the best of her abilities.

by the time evaluations rolled around, the colour had returned to meiqi’s face and the dark circles under her eyes had almost completely faded away. though her frame looked thinner from the intense weeks prior, most of her energy had returned, and her body was tingling in excitement to finally perform as a center.

she introduces her team and the song she will be performing: runaway by pentagon, and eagerly urges everyone to get in their places.

when the music starts, meiqi steps out into the front. she had practiced her facial expressions in front of a mirror whenever she visited the restroom, and had cycled through many before settling on the perfect one for the opening beats. she found that the best faces were the most natural-seeming ones, especially when it came to being sultry. being in a group of all boys, she had shown them each of her flirtatious expressions to find the best one to showcase; she does so, effortlessly, and hopes that when everyone rewatches these performances in september, they’ll collectively cheer in acknowledgement.

she delivers her first lines easily, what with the lack of movement so far, and they come out loud and smooth as if they were pre-recorded. meiqi comes to the front of the stage, her hand trailing across her neck as she sings: “just leave me alone. you can’t stop me” and then, along with jihoon and another trainee, she drops to her knees.

meiqi’s glad her performance is only the second out of all the groups she’s a part of. she’s not harbouring much prior fatigue from having already taken the stage one too many times, and she doesn’t have to worry as much about carefully pacing herself, since at this point, she has lots to give. the only performance she has done so far is kangjoon’s and it served as more of a warmup-slash-rehearsal for hers.

when meiqi takes center again, this time for the killing part in the chorus, her movements are fluid and concise. she doesn’t hesitate to bite her lower lip at the slow part, before replacing her alluring gaze with an intensely focused one as the choreography gets harder.

while watching the choreography of the song at the beginning of the month, meiqi was most eager to do the part where she could have the spotlight solely on her, to showcase her skills without anyone else moving. it just so happened that, following that split second, meiqi had to get close with one of the trainees.

“i’m being colored gray more and more with a frustrated heart, i close my eyes again oh yeah”

she doesn’t mind physical contact at all. jihoon was another case, but they had practiced enough for her to not dwell on the what-if’s regarding his failure, and just do it. meiqi trusts the boy, and she knows that he’s worked hard to improve and not let his timidity get in the way. when his hand passes down her arm confidently, meiqi has to suppress the proud smile that threatens to ruin her performance. instead, once he grabs her hand, she gives it a quick squeeze, as if to say “good job, you did great” before spinning around and crouching to the floor.

her cousin viian had asked, during one of their routine skype calls, why meiqi had chosen a boy group song instead of a girl group because it would have been easier to balance dancing, expressions, and singing live. meiqi had snorted at the idea. she wanted to display how much she’s improved in the 8 months between her audition and now, but also, why would she ever take the easy way out? meiqi loves the difficult choreography and the sort of elegant vibe that “runaway” has. no girl group song out there right now could take runaway’s place, or even had a chance at doing so.

“take me out, please hold me”

following meiqi’s last line, she can finally throw caution to the wind regarding breath control. she can give her all, knowing that she’s done incredible. in some twisted way, she wants to thank those trainers that pushed her for that first week, because the amount of extra exercise she had done, had done wonders for her stamina. meiqi, despite dancing like she’s never danced before, feels like she could do it a million times more (perhaps that’s good, considering she has two more non-center performances coming up).

the final chorus has meiqi placed in the center, and it feels like she belongs there. ever since she was a kid, she had a feeling that she was born to be in the spotlight, but this performance just solidified the thought. it feels like she’s actually an idol, performing on a music show stage, with cameras capturing her every smirk. she loves it. she wants to feel it again soon.