#because mentioned

At first Youngjae had been stuck between two songs, but unfortunately his now room mate Moonbok had intruded upon him as he was trying to decide and demanded to know what kind of music the artist was listening to. Without spilling too much he had explained the basic meaning of each song and without hesitation Moonbok had stated that this one sounded a lot like Youngjae. Of course that had caused him to shoo his room mate out, but somehow the comment had still remained within his mind and refused to leave him, and along the way he had actually complied to the unintended suggestion.

Now came the problem of recording everything without Moonbok waking up. Youngjae wasn’t really sure how isolated the walls were, but he was bored out of his mind and just wanted this out of the way now while he had time to do it. Soon enough everything was set up and his microphone tests were finished, and everything was ready to go. Letting the music play in his headphones, only one covering his ears so he could hear his own voice too, Youngjae began.

There wouldn’t be any proof in the colours No meaning to the lines I’ve drawn from habit, no, no Bringing indistinctness, pretending to be the best Saturating the air with sighs, pathetic, unenlightened, dizzy

At first he had told himself that Moonbok had just picked this song as fitting to Youngjae because he was an artist much like the main character, and perhaps that too was the case, but the more he had dissected the lyrics, the more he had realised that it wasn’t actually too far fetched an assumption to say that this song was befitting him. There were quite a bit of the lyrics that he could relate to a lot, and it didn’t really make him happy. But perhaps he would achieve something personal from singing a song that hit as close to home as this one did.

“An imperfect talent,” is it enough to get by? It seems the peak is close, there’s nothing ahead, no, no I’ve finished filling up the blanks, nearing a perfect form Unable to fulfill expectations, well I guess it serves me right, huh?

“Self-contradiction” impatience: unable to become a gear “Self-hatred” that spins in tune with others “Self-deception” telling myself that this is what I wanted “I’m just trash” withered logic, an ashen fake

Somehow the words felt increasingly bitter in his mouth as he reached the chorus. He had often wondered if he even was improving, if he had really reached the peak of his potential and that if he could ever get past that barrier that separated the hopeful from the professionals. But was it his own expectations or that of others that he couldn’t live up to?

Contrast, that is, light and dark A prepared gradient, zero one two Get right, get right, innocence obscured by a blockage Flaring up, spinning my wheels, Getting slightly lost, killing myself, Get down, get down, don’t try to act cool, ‘kay? Can’t just be sitting on the fence, discord But I’ve got to be consistent and do something Stand up ready to go, paint it out, come on, one two three

The high paced tunes of the song betrayed its depressive undertones as it was with most vocaloid songs, but Youngjae supposed that was what had initially attracted him to the genre. Many of the lyrics were incredibly easy to relate to for his younger self who was fighting the world in its entirety, and even now in his adult years where the battle he fought was with himself. First chorus over and done with he let the music play for a bit before the next verse began.

The ideals I stored up, imprisoned on the canvas This painting I created has no name, no, no As I eat through my pretenses I lost my hold on reality Full of corruption I guess I should just learn to love it, huh?

“Did you knoqw?” no one can grasp your dirtied hands “Nothing can be done?” with your selfishness piling up “Given up yet?” even if I wishper to myself, ‘long ago’ “You’re just trash, huh” I can’t follow the ‘right face!’ command...

With each self-depreciating word, Youngjae had already made his way to the second chorus of the song and was thus nearing the end too. The more he sang, the more he realised how much he absolutely hated it, hated how well it fit and hated the situation he had managed to plant himself in. Why the song title contained the word ‘innocence’ he still didn’t understand, for he felt as though he himself was far from, having been tainted so much by life already. If anything it was perhaps a hope for a changing point. To get drawn back into the light.

If you’ve decided you want to change Even if you can’t see what’s ahead, surely, surely You can’t call that running away Even if someone labelled as an adult Can only sing meaningless words Isn’t that, isn’t that enough? It seems the wind changed directions And the button the girl pressed Stand up ready to go, is probably the sign to start running

Although he hadn’t actually watched the anime or read the light novels and all he knew of Mikagura School Suite and the character Kuzuryuu Kyouma was what the video portrayed. From that alone he was ready to gather that although their situations were similar in many ways, this guy was ready to take a step forward, and had people who refused to give up on him. Was Youngjae fortunate enough to have such as well? He wanted to believe. Wanted to trust in the people around him, but trust was not something that came easy when paranoia was rooted so deeply within his personality. He wanted for someone to come and sweep him away too, and maybe, just maybe it could happen, but it was a long and tiresome process and could never be as easy as it was in the stories.

“Self-contradiction” searching for someone to be in tune with “Self-hatred” filled with weakness; for I can’t rid myself of these feelings “I’m just trash” it doesn’t matter what colour the sky is “Was it easier to believe that?” ah, I can’t stop the ringing in my ears

Contrast, that is, light and dark A prepared gradient on zero, one, two Get right, get right, innocence obscured by a blockage If that’s the path you’ve chosen Even if you can’t see what’s ahead, hey, hey You can’t call that running away

Even if someone labelled as an adult Can only sing meaningless words Isn’t that, isn’t that enough? It seemed the wind changed direction And the button the girl pressed Increased the saturation of the world As if engulfing everything Stand up ready to go, see, even the canvas Was wrenched open

Another thing that had taken time was his makeup -- unlike the previous show he had attended, he doubted this place would be kind enough as to offer stylists, so all participants probably had to take care of their own appearance from the get go. At first he had gone for a more idol esque look but the comments on his most recent instagram post had him second guessing himself, wipe it all off and settle for a very neutral ‘bareface’ look. Maybe they were right, maybe makeup just wasn’t for guys. He liked how it made him look though so it did make him kind of sad. But there was nothing to do about that now. Once he became a famous idol singer he didn’t have to worry about stuff like that.

Throughout the entire trip to Yongsan (when he hadn’t been about to nod off) the script he had chosen ran on repeat through his mind. Eric wasn’t good at studying and memorising stuff, so it had been a chore getting the lines down to perfection, but once he had thought of making up a small melody and singing it instead somehow it had been much easier. He always did find it quite easy to remember song lyrics. The hard part had been to be able to recite it without singing it though, but even that he had got down now after the last week of practice.

Five minutes passed, at 8 o’clock sharp, Eric stepped in through the door, eyes immediately landing on the receptionist and giving an eager wave before bouncing over and bowing his head. “Hello! Good morning” he greeted enthusiastically. “I’m here to audition for the game advertisements. You should have received my application, I’m Sohn Er--- uhm, Sohn Youngjae.” Although Eric was a name he had decided for himself, he just thought it suited him so much better than his real name to the point where he had got so used to it that he even mistook it himself. Honestly, once he was older there would probably come a day where he would officially change his name even if he knew it wouldn’t sit well with his parents. They liked the name they had given him and didn’t think too fondly of his obsession with anything Western. But as long as he felt it he figured he should do it.

The wait wasn’t as bad as he had feared it might be, but throughout the entirety of it, Eric’s eyes were darting around the premises and on the faces of those around him. From the nerves visible in many expressions these were the people who were also trying for a chance, so he supposed they were his rivals. A friendly greeting probably wasn’t welcome -- if anything had changed about Eric it was the fact that he was actually starting to learn how to read the air, something that had never been his strong suit and probably never would be. Some people were just different than him and it was hard for his mind to comprehend that.

Every so often someone new would enter and for a brief moment his attention would divert to them but quickly go back to whatever caught his interest again. That was until a familiar face appeared and Eric let out an incredibly loud gasp. He had completely forgotten that he was supposed to go to this thing together with his big brother. In the spur of the moment he had left the moment he had finished preparing, and, thinking back on it, Dowoon might have been in the bathroom brushing his teeth at the time. The gaze his older brother shot him told him that there would be trouble later, and Eric quickly diverted his eyes. If he couldn’t see the other he didn’t have to deal with him and the guy couldn’t skip in the line. Hence his life was still safe. For now. He did however text a quick ‘i’m sorry hyungggggg’ to him.

It didn’t take long until he was called in and somehow the atmosphere inside the audition room seemed incredible. A single male and female were sitting side by side looking incredibly professional and Eric felt slightly intimidated, but it was no time to be nervous now. He had never had a problem controlling his nerves before and he most certainly wouldn’t now either. The closest he had ever been to breaking down from nerves was his middle school math exam, and honestly this was nothing in comparison. If he could do maths he could also do this.

“Sohn Youngjae,” he called his name loud and clear and gave a 90 degree bow, “I’ll be starting now!” Honestly he was convinced that this chance was meant for younger people rather than adults -- even he thought the lines were embarrassing and he was still so young in comparison to some of the other people he had seen in the hallway. Simply imagining a man ten years or some older than him spouting this nonsense while acting cute at the same time was hard. He had a lot of respect for the original actor for pulling off something this cheesy. 

she can feel her tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and it takes all her might to not cry then and there. didn’t she promise them she’d keep her tears for after the showcase? for after their debut stage on the music programs they were to head over to? she had so many promises up her sleeve and a world of expectations on her shoulders, they were so many and in them, jihyun found herself faltering. teeth digging deep into the red of her bottom lip, coloring it white.

she was going to be strong, she was the leader -- she didn’t have any other choice.  

they gather together, huddled so closely jihyun could feel their heat. so close, she wondered if they could hear the erratic beating of her troublesome heart. or was it painstakingly clear on her face how absolutely terrified she was feeling? it was like no other -- an emotion that raked her entire being, something, quite honestly, jihyun had never once felt before.

this was different. she wanted to have only one beginning -- and today, it would be it.

today was the day -- they were finally going to make their debut: and it terrified her.

she gulps as shoulders brush against hers, and she’s closing her eyes tight. had she ever felt such a fear like she did now?

jihyun was practically shaking, a slight buzz in her step as she looks around at the others -- each face an emotion varying from her own. a mixture of excitement, adrenaline, and nerve-wracking volumes were raging among them. another buzz to add to her already intoxicated state.

she was the leader -- she should say something right? somewhere, somehow she finds her voice. a cough spilling from parted lips as she musters up a smile in the midst of her nerves. jihyun doesn’t even know where to start. “can you believe it, guys?”

“we’re finally here.” she almost whispers but it’s louder in her ears than ever. it’s repetitive, rewinding itself over and over again as she stumbles over her next words and the tears are in her throat again. “we all practiced so hard for the past seven months, and even more before that. we all want this, and today is the day we take what’s ours.” her voice softens, eyes downcast as she tries to repress the tears from coming once more -- they’re there, threatening to breach but she keeps her foot down, hands tightening around eunae’s as a precaution. “i am so happy it’s you guys that are standing beside me because there’s no way i could have made it through the last few months without any of you by my side.” her laughter smothers her voice, enough that eyes go thin and her lips spread far too wide that her hands tighten around the others’ tighter, harder to keep her ingrained on reality. hands loosen so they can loop around the other’s shoulders in another form of attachment as she glances from left to right, each face now drawn on the very back of her hand, for the next six years -- they were luxe.

“we did it!” she squeals in a way that’s oddly reminiscent of that old legally blonde character, elle woods and it has her shaking her head -- and her nerves -- because of it.

“today, tonight, tomorrow -- we’re luxe, and we’re going to motherfucking shine so bright -- they’re not going to have any choice but to look away.” she hushes the curse on her lips and smiles just as bright; shaky fingers raking through her hair before she momentarily realizes she had messed up the muse the stylists had made for her. she feels seolhyun’s fingers combing it back into place and jihyun’s hip habitually bumps into hers in thanks before her eyes graze the others once more, admiration shining so proudly in obsidian black. a magnification of their emotions spilling out of her in words flowing too quickly and perhaps a bit too breathlessly.

“luxe is love, luxe is life.” she laughs, quoting that one wretched shrek reference.

and in her laughter, their arms close around one another -- the hug making it harder to breath and she finds herself more light-headed than she already was. it lasts a second longer before they’re parting and moving towards the stage, pitch black and blind to their surroundings as the actual static of the audience fills in the silence that had invaded her eardrums.

it was now ( nevers no longer applied ) .

she squeezes eunae’s hand, again, a little reminder to keep herself grounded before finally letting go. she needed it -- to keep herself from floating too high into the sky, willing gravity to take it’s course over her body despite the flighty feeling turning in her stomach.

but where was the harm in flying so close to the sun? luxe would be her wings.

( hadn’t she always wanted to fly? )

it was time for her to take flight -- fingers hover over her ear monitor as she hears the music start up. it’s her personal favorite, 아슬해, that gets the ball rolling and jihyun can’t have it any other way.

the roar of applause, the crowd, themselves, is far larger, louder than she had expected. then it hits her, they were all there to see them, luxe -- the new girls on the block. they were all anticipating what they had to offer. and it was jihyun’s own determination that egged her on -- she didn’t want to disappoint.

the song is over faster than she’d like. the spotlight is hot, blistering on stage but jihyun can’t help feeling lighter than air as she takes the mic in her hands and bows almost immediately before rising, her signature ‘v’ sign flying close to her eyes as she winks at the crowd, “hello, i’m luxe’s cheri. goddess of the moon.” unlike the others, jihyun found herself struggling more -- wondering what title she could take up. it was probably more unrealistic on her part -- calling herself the moon goddess but soohyun had eased her into it.

( “you're the moon goddess!” soohyun had said, “a warrior protecting love and justice!” smile spilling over the screen during one of their daily facetime sessions. )

she liked to think she was keeping a part of soohyun with her as she took the moniker by name, plastered it onto her identity as a part of herself. she had always wanted soohyun beside her, at this moment, perhaps -- from this, she could be.

jihyun turns over the microphone as they begin picking favorites -- different songs rolling off of different tongues. her own favorite spoken finding a mate to bond over in the minutes they do so. jihyun can’t help but laugh as she smiles over at their youngest. “like xayah, mine is definitely thrilling. it just has that something. and it’s so different than our title that it really shows off our versatility, in a way. but i also love is still falls the rain, i think it’s a song a lot of people can relate to when they’re heartbroken and missing someone.”

still falls the rain is no other word but somber, yet it holds its notes in melancholy -- a sinking feeling of sadness, bittersweet tragedy that jihyun knows she should feel nostalgic to. but it doesn’t hold a candle to today, those feelings were once a part of her but as the song ends and her voice fades, so do those feelings. she lets go of her past to welcome her future. that was all she needed to think about today.

when the topic of memories comes about, jihyun finds herself fiddling with her thumbs in anticipation -- not that she was eager to share stories, intimate and affectionate as they all were with one another, moreso that she wasn’t sure which would be appropriate because of how intimate and affectionate they were with one another behind closed doors.

( also the fact that it spoke volumes on how loud they were when they were out of earshot from their company building and only had their manager to stop them )

“i think a lot of our memories revolve around food because a lot of us,” she eyes the girls pointedly, “love food. but another memory, and forgive that it is once again, about food -- is when seolhyun and seoyoung were trying to get us to eat a little more healthily. they tried to replace our rice with cauliflower! and of course, a lot of us -- having been so used to rice as being ... well, grains, were so shocked and refused to eat it. also because, well -- rice is rice, why would you want to change a good thing? it was to a point where we just had to say veto it. there was also the brownie incident -- and that also didn’t go very well ... let’s just say, i don’t think avocados and i are friends anymore.”

“and that time we all went to the bath house together but --” she presses a finger to her lips, a teasing grin on her lips. “i think you guys have heard enough of our adventures.”

the leader, fingers toying with the ends of her dark hair, leaves the rest for their imagination -- and slightly pales as she wonders if she’s left a little too much to be imagined. it’s something she dwells on more than she should, yet finds slipping through her fingers as she’s ushered away from the stage to prepare for their last act -- their title song.

the nerves from before are long gone because in just a few short minutes, the night would be over and jihyun would say that they had finally -- fucking finally -- debuted.

so, the breath departs from red lips when she hears dawon’s voice sound around the hall and a smile easily splits lips apart in a way that could only be from pride. the motions she’s practiced day in and day out the past seven months begin -- muscle memory taking over more than anything as she presses her fingers against the mic taped to her cheek.

when she flies to the center her grin is almost immediate, crystal white as she sings -- fingers all the more ready to press into her cheek as she belts out note after note, the harmonized backtracking she hears urge further. the added support all she needs as she sings the words that are more than memorized, they’re a part of her daily repertoire these days. she couldn’t even speak without thinking of the words in the song.

jihyun can feel the adrenaline beneath her fingertips, through her veins, raging against her beating heart. it was almost over.

                                        ˟ ✦  ——————  I’M FEELING IT, I FEEL GOOD

the start of the beginning, she thinks as she’s breathing hard when the song fades and the lights fade from spotlights to gleam over the stage as a whole.

as they stand at the end, her tears are again at the corners of her eyes. and she’s at the last of her wits to keep them from falling, she’s emotional -- far too much to be controlled as she holds the microphone in her hands. her small, shaking hands that quiver at each word she speaks. 

“thank you so much for coming to our debut showcase! please anticipate more from luxe as we continue our journey as idols. listen to luv game, please buy our album and stream happily! we’re extremely thankful everyone came out to see us and we’ll do our absolute best to never let you down. we’d like to thank everyone for coming to see us, to noh jihoon sunbaenim for helping us with mc-ing for this very special event, to our staff and managers for sticking with us and continuing to do so and most importantly, to our ceo, so jisub sajangnim, for believing in us and wholeheartedly entrusting us the title of luxe. we could only shine so bright because of your faith in us, thank you so much.” she bows, her hand on her heart; feeling the heavy thumps beneath the pads of clammy fingertips. her breathing growing even heavier as she feels the tremble in her lips. “from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much, again. and please get home safely. bye, for now ~ !”

when it was all said and done, as the lights on the stage finally give out and they’re behind curtains do the tears fall and all jihyun wants are for strong arms to wrap tight -- never let me go -- around her.

Once everything collected he warmed his voice up with a couple of noises with no real meaning. Next to him was a sign with his youtube channel name and his instagram account. Never fail to promote yourself, that was the idea. He then put on the instrumental and began singing.

Once I was seven years old my momma told me Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely Once I was seven years old

It was a song he had come across at random in a mcdonalds and once he actually paid attention to the lyrics it was quite appealing to him. He wasn’t too fond of songs with a slower beat in general, but every rule had its exceptions. 

I always had that dream like my daddy before me So I started writing songs, I started writing stories Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me 'Cause only those I really love will ever really know me

He kind of admired the original singer even though he had no idea who the person was. But to think that this guy had his entire life laid out in such a way or at least had the imagination to see himself so far into the future. Sometimes Daehwi wasn’t even sure what his plans for the very day was. In fact that was very often. He couldn’t even begin to imagine himself and reflect over his life to come in a way such as this and that was perhaps why it was so inspirational.

I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure 'Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major I got my boys with me at least those in favor And if we don't meet before I leave, I hope I'll see you later

It wasn’t just that though. He was impressed that much was for sure, but he could relate to the lyrics. Despite his tendency to proclaim his own grandeur, when he wasn’t having an episode of mania he knew very well that he wasn’t someone all that grand. He had managed to strike luck with his channel, but when it all came down to it, Daehwi was a very ordinary teenage boy who might just have a few different problems than others did. But he believed that it was just a matter of chance and confidence. Confidence he had bucketloads of and the chance would surely come his way sooner or later. Then he too would become a small voice that had reached a higher place. He had to, and he had to do it before it was too late. He had to do it while Dowoon was still here to see him step upon the stage in his place.

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told I was writing about everything, I saw before me Once I was twenty years old Soon we'll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold We've traveled around the world and we're still roaming Soon we'll be thirty years old 

As he sang a small crowd had begun gathering to listen to him, and Daehwi could feel the excitement bubble up within him. Perhaps he should do this more often, go out in the world and showcase himself. Perhaps he could get his brother along next time, not that he believed the older would be as keen on putting himself before people like this. But he knew that Dowoon had a very hard time rejecting him once he asked in the right way; a thing he had used to his advantage perhaps a few times too many. But it was all in good and innocent fun, right? So it was okay.