#relationship footnotes

When you genuinely care about someone, you tend to memorise even the most insignificant details about that person. That’s why you never forget the birthday of those you love: your memory simply does not allow you to do it.   What all those people meant to you in the past is something you are not allowed to delete, no matter how hard you try.   Even when love/romance is over, those tinny bits of information remain there, stored on a distant corner of your mind.   That’s why I still remember the birthdays of several ex-girlfriends that I don’t even talk to anymore: March 3rd (two of them, actually), May 21 st, August 31st, November 18th, November 28th. I may not call or send them a message on any of those days... but I still remember. I really do. And I remember because, one day, those days were important - meaningful - to me. And my memory does not allow me to forget what my heart no longer recalls: I felt something deeper for all those girls, even the very one who end up becoming my Nemesis.   It’s not just the birthdays. I remember random details about all of them. I remember because I used to care, because I loved them - or, back then, at least I thought so.   And this leads me to a very hard pill to swallow: if your crush or your partner forgets your birthday - or any other remotely meaningful information -, then they don’t love you. They don’t care about you. If they claim, hand in heart, that they love you, then they’re lying. Don’t blame poor memory, don’t blame stress, don’t blame anything else - if they cared, you would have remembered.   That’s how I know what I really mean - or meant - to someone.   I don’t celebrate my birthday, but I realized that noticing those who remember it is a good way of knowing those who really care about you and those who don’t. And, believe me, I really pay attention to those small things. And, in the same way I never forget those I cared about, I never forget those who were disrespectful to me. And being inadvertently disrespectful can be even more offensive than simply being offensive by the sake of being offensive.   The devil is in the details. All trivial things matter, for nothing is actually trivial.   And, please, remember: to love is to remember. If people forget about trivial matters, they will forget you sooner or later - probably, they will even forget to tell you about it, and you shall only notice when you realize they have ghosted you.  

Imagine a straight couple (this would not work with a same-sex couple, and, soon, you shall understand why).

 Both of them are madly in love with each other. Their personalities are a match made in Heaven, and they are the perfect couple, for they are both the best friends and the greatest lovers. Suddenly, you realize their souls have been searching for each other for aeons, and now, at last, after countless lives (and deaths), they are together.

 Everything is devastatingly flawless, blessed... or not?

 Well, you see...

 There is an elephant in the room. A big one.

 She is a rather tall girl - significantly taller than him, I should mention.

 Oh...

 I know, technically, there is nothing wrong about it... except there is. Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong. Mostly because there is a social convention that says that, in a romantic couple, under any circumstances the girl may be taller than the boy. Forget everything else that I said about hearts and souls and perfect matches - the man must be taller, full stop.

 You may try to ignore this unofficial rule and quote Virgil: “Omnia vincit Amor”. But no, you know that every single person will point out that there is a height difference between the boy and the girl, and no one will have nice words to say about that body discrepancy.

 Your love is doomed. Love conquers all, except height differences.

 Why?

 Answer me honestly, hand in heart:

 If you are a girl, would you date a boy that is smaller than you?

 If you are a boy, would you date a girl that is taller than you?

 That’s exactly the point. Gender roles are far from being extinct. Many steps have been given in order to approach genders, but there is still a lot to be done. And the height difference will be, probably, the last one to fall - I bet that you can accept more easily a man with high heels and lipstick than a girl that is taller than her boyfriend/husband. There is still an ancient ghost that says that the male must be taller, so he can protect his fragile female.

 Gender roles won't fall easily. We are all full of prejudice. Shut up: we are.

 Sadly, height differences are not something that one can correct. Everyone wants to be tall - but no one can control his/her own height. We can decide if we are going to put make-up on, we can decide how we act, we can decide what we are going to be... but we can’t decide how tall we are going to be. However, we can decide if we are prejudiced or not, and that is something we can always change.

 Yours,

 Fabien Euskadi

You can’t love someone you don’t know. You can't, you should know you can't.

 So, love is so much more than a feeling - it’s also a whole discovery process. It's the exploration of the other, like a treasure hunting - in the end, some say, there is a vault full of gold.

 So, to love we have to discover what the other is - and to discover what the other is, we have to ask. And all our questions, no matter how silly they look like, claim for answers, genuine, honest and raw answers. Love can never exist without questions - love can never exist without answers.

 Sometimes, we don’t ask. But we should. We must. We ought to.

 Sometimes, a silly doubt pops into your mind - it's so dumb that we are ashamed to ask. But we shouldn't. We are animals, we have a self-preservation instinct and, sometimes, a silly doubt is no more than that very same instinct telling us that something is not right. Sometimes, our doubts are just silly and a simple answer is enough to put them to rest. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's a sign of danger - a red flag.

 In a romantic relationship, we should not be afraid to ask, for no question is unimportant. But, most of all, we can’t run away from answers.

 If your partner is running away from answers, maybe it’s time for you to run away.

 I saw all the red flags and ignored them all, because I didn’t want to disturb the most wonderful person in the world with my silly doubts. But the doubts were there for a reason. One day, I found out that those silly doubts were, in fact, red flags being waved in front of my eyes, telling me that the most wonderful person in the world was nowhere near as wonderful as I, romantic fool, imagined. Actually, she wasn’t wonderful at all - she was quite awful. And, when the questions came, she never answered them - she was always very good at being evasive, so she wouldn’t have to lie openly. But silence, sometimes, can be a form of lying.

 Had I asked and had she answered me, I would have known the truth. I would have known that I could never have loved that person. All I loved was a lie, a beautiful porcelain model partially hidden by the mist of what was never told.

 Ask. And reply. With gentleness. But ask. And reply.

 Yours,

 Fabien Euskadi

No, you are not in love. 

You are not in a relationship either. Yes, you have a significant other. But you don't, you don't have a significant other. You have an escape - you want to avoid the horror of social pressure and you found a partner to do it (only because you can't do it alone). 

As soon as the end of the year approaches, comes the season of social and family reunions - i.e., the dark period for all introverts. Every social event becomes an opportunity to celebrate the virtues of marriage and family - and to suffocate, humiliate, demean, ostracize and mortify those who dare to remain... single. Being single becomes a serious illness. A serious social illness. Those who dare to remain single must suffer the pressure. And the question. The question. "Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?"

 The absolute terror.

 But you don’t need to get in a rush to find someone just to shut your relatives, parents and friends mouths, do you? Sadly, that’s what lead many to a relationship - the fear of that social pressure. Most relationships are not made of love, for their roots are made of fear.

 No, you don’t have to be in a relationship. You don’t have to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. And you don’t have to answer the question - the person who asks is being extremely rude and, being so, you can be rude as well and don’t answer it.

 Love is the only justification for a romantic relationship. The only.

 Yours,

 Fabien Euskadi

No. Per se, love is not enough to make a relationship last. Love may be THE essential element to make a relationship start, but it isn't, by any means, enough to make the romance last.   This is a very sad truth. And, once again, a truth that I had to learn the hard way - and, in this case, the hard way means that pain will hit you hard.   We are a collection of personal tragedies. A relationship is no more than a series/cinematic crossovers - two different universes that merge in a very strange and, sometimes, astounding way. It is amazing how it can work, but, many times, it does and it feels good. But to make a crossover last... well, it's almost impossible, isn't it?   The problem lies all in the plot of our singular lives - in most cases, it's impossible to merge our script with the script of someone else and turn into a whole new script. Yes, love gathered us, but love cannot keep us together.   The are many things that can separate us. Religion. Politics. Family issues. Ethnic/racial differences (yes, that still is an issue in 2020). A pandemic. A war. Job careers. University. Moving to another town or country. The distance itself. Traumas (rape or domestic violence, for example). Money (always that bastard). Mental illnesses. Prejudice. Misunderstandings. Drugs, alcohol, and addictions in general. The use of certain medicines that can lead to severe personality changes. Intrigues (that already happened to me). A crime. A tragic event, like an accident. Different tastes and interests. Physical illnesses...   ... and changes in general, personal changes, the real changes we cannot escape from. Yes, we are not the same person all the time, we change and, many times, our changes may not be compatible with the person we love. Sometimes, we still love that person with all our heart... but love is no longer enough. It never was, but we were blind until we started to see. It's not love that hurts - seeing hurts.   Maybe we were all meant to love and love, sometimes, is meant to last - but relationships aren't and that's why breaking up hurts so much.   (oh, don’t need to mention it - the tittle of this text was actually inspired by a Patty Smyth song)     Yours,

I have to admit it: probably, I have never fell in love with anyone. Surprised? The truth is neither did you, my friends, neither did you.   I am not even going to discuss what love is. Let’s assume, for a moment, that we all know what it is, shall we? What I want to talk about is the subject of our romantic love. Because we don’t actually love another person. We love the idea we form about a certain person, being that idea based on an image he/she projects to the outside world. That means we love the idea of a projection, and, inevitability, that leads to future disappointments when we start to figure out that the person we thought we loved has very little to do with the idea/illusion we formed.   Love is not an illusion - love can actually be as concrete as the chair I am sitting on. No, what is an illusion is the concept that our ideas match the person we think we love. It’s the good old dichotomy between theory and practice, this time with feelings.   Yes, sometimes, the real person happens to match the idea we, stupid fools, have formed. But that's rare, that's the four leaf clover of feelings. And to make a perfect romance, it has to happen both ways - being so, two four leaf clovers are needed to be found in the very same flower bed. Sometimes, that may happen. Sometimes, just sometimes.   Sadly, I never loved anyone. And no one ever loved me. And, knowing myself as I do, I know no one could ever love me. Not even me.  

Yours,

There is nothing wrong with having spiritual and/or religious beliefs. I suppose that respecting each other’s spiritual approach to the Universe is a clear sign of a healthy relationship - without that respect, neither love, nor relationship can last.   However, there is a moment when respect for each other’s differences can’t cover the fact that religion is unbalancing a relationship and that happens when one of the sides (or even both, why not?) moves from an healthy spirituality to the jaws of a certain... let’s call it fanaticism for there is no other word to describe a devotion that has gone too far. When there is far too much God, love withers like roses in the snow.   There main problems with excessive devotions, but, for now on, I shall only focus on the fact that introduces an element of unbalance in a relationship. And, more important than that, the name of God is also used to uncover serious problems, including severe mental issues.   When a person thinks he/she has a special relationship with God, that person is,on one had, trying to find a justification for all the tragedies and pain that are affecting his/her life - the randomness and unfairness of existence are far too heavy to bear without an explanation and many search for that answer(s) in a divine supra-natural entity whose motivations shall remain a mystery until the end of times; but, on the other hand, what many search in God is a justification for their actions, as if a special relationship with the divine had the moral power to sanction all acts, no matter how cruel and inhuman they may be. Actually, one of the signs of a narcissistic personality is that “special relationship” with the divine - God is by their side justifying everything, they say.   Be afraid of fanatics, for the are the worst type of narcissists - the champions of humbleness, the pinnacles of morality (a morality that, due to God's exclusive patronizing, is only applicable to others, not themselves, for they are judges and accusers in the name of the divine).They are the ones who think they are better than you because they love God more that you do - and they often quote random biblical texts to justify it, to justify that God loves them more as well. But this is not love, this is a mental disorder, a severe one.   A relationship where God is allegedly supporting (just) one of the members of the couple is so unbalanced that it cannot last much longer, no matter how strong the love is/was. God is not just love - sometimes, he may become the element that eradicates all love and good feelings from human hearts.   Some may say this text is all about a very niche situation. Sadly, I have already seen this happen, including with myself.     Yours,

In one way or another, we are all good. Or aren't we? Well, I guess I shall have point the elephant in the room, if you don’t mind.   It’s all part of our of self-image. It’s all part of our public persona: for the World, we all claim that we are good individuals and that evil is necessarily something that does not belong in our hearts and souls - we are good, the others are evil, full stop. But if we were all as good as we claim, there would be no evilness in the world and we know that’s far from being true. Some of us are evil and even the person who writes this lines does not dare to claim that he is a good person (even if I am certainly better than many that claim to be role-model citizens).   The more one claims to be a good person, the higher are the chances that that person is Satan in disguise - and I have learned that lesson the hard way. That reminds me of someone who claimed to be the most sensitive, selfless and gentle human person ever born and, in the end, her actions revealed a cold, ruthless and cruel human being that used to speak to me with a voice of an angel. But you know something? She wasn’t lying. In her mind she was - and still is - the most sensitive, selfless and gentle human person ever born and she acts as if all she claims is actually real. Inside our minds, we are what we claim we are. It’s a truth that only exists inside our brains, but, if it is there, it, somehow, exists.   Sadly, our self-image doesn’t always match with our actions, no matter how many excuses we make and how many facts he hide from everybody. That is the other truth, the truth that struggles to mirror our words, our self-image.   It’s hard to trust anyone. All we see at first glance is a public persona, words that mirror a self-image, but that may be antonyms of one’s actions.   That’s why I will, probably, never be in a relationship again.   Yours,