#reflection piece

fem·i·nin·i·ty

/ˌfeməˈninədē/

noun

the quality of being female; womanliness.

Recently I’ve been thinking more about what it means to be a woman, reflecting on my own femininity. It’s been an ongoing process, encouraged by the significant events that have so quickly occurred in my life. Having graduated from college, losing my grandmother, moving to New York and marrying my partner of seven years. Each ceremonious affair has brought about waves of emotions and uncertainties, one being who I am as a woman and how I’ve grown as a feminist. There is so much I have to sort through. These past few months have created a stream of consciousness that I have yet to decipher. I want to take it one step at a time. 

First Step: Just a Haircut

Moving to New York amidst the sweltering heat and humidity I’m beginning a new life. As many women in the past and present have, I decided to cut most of my hair off. During my young adult life I would describe myself as a full-figured tomboy with dreams of androgyny. It wasn’t until my recent past that I accepted my round feminine figure and features, even letting my hair grow long. Though I was more accepting of myself physically I didn’t feel as though I embodied the woman I wanted to be. Was it that I wanted to go back to my roots feeling less traditionally feminine? Why did I desire this ideal? There are a lot of explanations from the broad spectrum of society’s pressures and ideas to my own personal tastes, but cutting off my hair was a quick response. It was different and it felt right. What has surprised me the most (one of the many reasons why I even started this reflection) is that I feel like the woman I’ve wanted to be, but she isn’t exactly how I had always imagined her. No I am not androgynous, nor do I feel any less feminine in the traditional sense, but I feel as though every detail of my physical being has blossomed as though I lifted that shroud of embarrassment I’ve held since an early age. I’m thriving and proud of who I am and who I’m becoming. Cutting the hair off my head but allowing all the other natural hair to grow has me feeling more sensual and womanly than ever before. It may have been just a haircut, but it was a big step for me. 

HELLO YES IT IS I

Last weekend, I took the pleasure of volunteering as a mentor for UNIHACK Mini— a hackathon for first-time hackathoners. Just like the UNIHACK I competed in last year, it was an event filled to the brim with startup culture, programming, and solid advice from industry leaders.

I learnt so much while mentoring as much others learnt from me. So I decided to note down my disorganised thoughts and publish them for you to learn from as well. (And yes, that’s a photo of me taken by the great Tom Solari, as I write this very post).

On Tech Hackathons

First things first: tech hackathons are unlike anything else. When you walk into a room of programmers and developers, you immediately get a glimpse of the future. Majority of the time spent in tech hackathons are dedicated to building the best prototype you can make— and allocating any less defeats the purpose of the event.

I’ve seen a lot of teams spend hours planning out their ideas— some even took an entire day. To really maximise a hackathon, you have to bring ideas with you at the start, and get your team to high-gear in development as soon as you walk in. Also: bring a laptop if you can. Don’t waste time installing and copying over your development environment to a new computer.

On Ideas

Execution is everything. At the beginning of the event, every team pitched an idea that sounded well-rounded and promising. But towards the end, I noticed in some teams that while their prototypes did include their grand idea, it wasn’t as polished nor presented as they had hoped.

I think this lesson can be generalised to startups and new companies turning ideas into products. The value of an idea doesn’t come from the idea itself, but its potential. In other words, the output is more valuable than the input. Problems aren’t fully solved unless the solution is at least elegant.

On Learning

Everyone’s a first-timer at some point. The great thing about UNIHACK Mini is that a lot of the people who signed up for it were either amateur programmers or first-time software developers. This is awesome because it shows there are a lot of students who believe they have the potential to make something great. But on the day, there were some who put that pressure on themselves way too much.

Just because you can’t do X right now doesn’t mean you can never do it. I suppose, if you’re surrounded by people who are better than you, you can feel alienated by your lack of talent/knowledge/skill. But here’s the thing: in a room full of people more adept than you, you basically have all the resources to make yourself as good as— if not, better than— them. Your brain is a sponge— use it like a sponge. Don’t feel discouraged by your lack of skill. Instead, use those feelings to motivate yourself and learn.

This poem arose from my thoughts on leaving Michigan, and the close of several friendships in conjunction with living there. These are the visual and emotional connections I made while considering what it meant to really and truly start over.

I hope you enjoy this piece

~Sierra

Starting Over

I. My tired eyes see nothing but the gray of the horizon Cool, the same colorless hue as an empty glass Waiting for something to be poured in A vacant, empty vessel - That is how I feel In need of something more shapely Than the dullness of overlapping days

II. The glass of the small patio door feels cold against my face Outside, it is streaked with the ash-silver Of drain drops, carving tracks across the glass; It was scratched some time before I came to live here I see the vague suggestion of my face, and a dimly Expectant expression; This faulty mirror shows me only my own stagnant position

III. I've walked away from so many things Places I have lived, and streets that I have walked I can still smell the steel in the air of that place A place that might have taken on the name of 'home' If conditions had been favorable I have left behind the faces of friends, the faces of lovers Goodbye has the same taste in my mouth As lake-water

IV. My regrets, memories, trickle back to me They come in one by one, like the crisp leaves on my patio It begins with one, yellowed, insignificant That time I called her a 'bitch', I'd had a little too much Then the brown one, the color of the Gentleman's bottle The kiss of her black hair branded me like an iron I never should have taken her in my arms The red one makes me think of sunsets in the cornfields Long drives to places where our books came from