DIDN’T get on a feeding tube today!! I ate 100% at breakfast and was able to prove to my doctor that I am motivated because I really don’t want to be on the tube. I ate 100% at lunch and dinner AND drank all of my fluids. I felt so so SO guilty and veryyyy full after each meal. Each bite was a horrible struggle, it took me sooo long to finish all my meals but I fucking DID it!! I don’t want to give up, I want to keep on trying for recovery. I need to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I will update as the days go on too.

Yesterday I had a sort of mini intervention. The assistant clinical director came into my therapy session and we talked a lot. They basically said that they were frusterated because I keep saying how I want to stop self harming and everything yet I keep struggling with it. It’s like I’ve been in this endless tug of war with the treatment team. I agreed and shared my thoughts of how hard it is to give up both the ED and SH. I reminded myself though that I selfharmed my way through all of treatment last year and the work I did didn’t stick at all, I ended up relapsing. I think I need to REALLY recover from both things in order to have lasting recovery and freedom. Today is day one. 24 Hours. Just 24 hours. 

I leave in ten minutes for my day pass for the funeral today. I’m so so anxious but know that I need to be with family/friends today. I really struggled with meals the day before yesterday but was able to finish all my meals/snacks yesterday and finished my breakfast this morning. I’ve been struggling with scratching myself/bruising but I’m just proud of myself for not cutting myself in anyway. I am still 8 months cutting free and that’s what matters most to me. I also haven’t purged in maybe a week now so that’s pretty crazy. They had me pack my lunch and two snacks while I’m out today but I really don’t know if I’ll be able to do them honestly. I’ve been here for officially two weeks and I feel like I’m still having such a difficult time. I’m still on Level one and because I restricted the other day I won’t be on level 2 next week either so I’m just feeling a bit hopeless at the moment. I am struggling a ton with not knowing my weight and want to know what it is desperately. Thankfully while I’m home I’m going to bring back my ukulele, and lot’s of cute rompers, jeans, dresses, my vans, and other cute as fuck clothes so I can feel more confidence in myself 

Tomorrow I will have been here at Residential for a whole month. It’s crazy how time flies yet the days feel so long. I feel like I haven’t progressed at all unfortunately. Looks like I’m going to be staying here for probably another month to two months. I mean one girl just left and she was here for 4 months. UGH. I want to go back to school this semester but I know that school starts at the end of August and I’ll have to be in PHP for a month at least so I’m just gonna have to be like a month late for school and do the class assignments online. I am almost 4 days self harm free but those urges are extremely high. I’m over a week purge free but those urges are super high too and I’ve only been completing 100% like in the past week really. I’m almost at my first goal weight my dietician said which is scary because that means I’m half way to the weight that I need to be at. I’m scared that my body is changing way too fast and it’s super disorienting. I feel like I’ve JUST started to open up to my therapist but it’s just super hard to feel motivated. Four new people are coming in because so many people left and I’m worried everyone here is just going to be struggling and be triggering as fuck. I still CAN’T smoke cigarettes and it’s legit fucking killing me inside. I probs will have to wait another week until I can show them that I’m safe and can handle myself. I keep panicking and just had a crazy weird dissociative episode where I thought everything was a dream. Good thing is that I’ve challenged myself this week with foods that are uncomfortable and I’m resisting all of the purging urges by using lots of coping skills. I’ve been playing my ukulele and working on a large jigsaw puzzle and crushing ice. I even ripped up loads of newspaper today. I’m gonna contact my school in the morning and figure things out too. Hoping that my mom and grandma come to visit me sometime next week too. Will update more when I can. Message me if you read all of this I love u SO SO much. <3

So unfortunately insurance cut me from my inpatient stay and I’m home right now. I have such mixed emotions because a part of me was really feeling trapped their and another part of me is going to miss the lovely people their so so so fucking much. It’s like their were parts of me in every person their. I’m really struggling with intense emotions rn but I’ve got to just trust in God. I will hear back from insurance in the morning as to whether I can start residential this Friday at Monte Nido in Long Island or if I have to wait another two weeks for a bed at the Irvington location. My body image is shit bc of course I’m obsessing over my weight, I got up to halfway to my Ideal Body Weight in literally a week, so kinda freaking out abt tht but I know I have to just accept it. I’m seeing the doctor in the morning too for a check up. Very very thankful for ciggerettes and unlimited coffee right now though. :P

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L-r: Day 1 - Day 3.... literally R.I.C.E. & applying vaparu(vicks lol) & primarily straight lavender essential oil to assist internal healing . Thankful I'm able to move all my toes & stand but not a long duration. . This Day 3 so continue to R.I.C.E & take it One day at a time! . #LsJourney #RecoveryUpdate #Chapter41HasBeenAHellaRide #ThankfulAndBlessed #TheMsLWoods https://www.instagram.com/p/CE2LPo5pQVJzP-4ijlrqN4BhdUfK8TF11JwjaQ0/?igshid=pc2st8l8ocbj