#residentialupdate

I’m done with running away. I’m done fighting against the process of recovery. I’ve been struggling with self harm and I am DONE with it. I gave the counselors all the sharps I had last night including the mirror I broke. I had them search my entire room (because they missed the shit the first time omg) and had them check absolutely all my belonging’s. The only way I’m going to get the cigarettes back is if I stop self harming. I think this is just what I need to motivate me right now. I won’t be able to be on Level 2 just yet but hopefully in two weeks I will be since I’ve been completing 100% of all my meals and snacks the past two days. I am so so scared but I NEED to let myself feel everything. I need to let myself heal completely--work through the Traumas and Losses and just fucking get through this shit. I need to eat and cry and sleep and journal and eat and cry and cry and panic and breathe and just let myself FEEL. I am choosing to let myself FEEL. 

Tomorrow I will have been here at Residential for a whole month. It’s crazy how time flies yet the days feel so long. I feel like I haven’t progressed at all unfortunately. Looks like I’m going to be staying here for probably another month to two months. I mean one girl just left and she was here for 4 months. UGH. I want to go back to school this semester but I know that school starts at the end of August and I’ll have to be in PHP for a month at least so I’m just gonna have to be like a month late for school and do the class assignments online. I am almost 4 days self harm free but those urges are extremely high. I’m over a week purge free but those urges are super high too and I’ve only been completing 100% like in the past week really. I’m almost at my first goal weight my dietician said which is scary because that means I’m half way to the weight that I need to be at. I’m scared that my body is changing way too fast and it’s super disorienting. I feel like I’ve JUST started to open up to my therapist but it’s just super hard to feel motivated. Four new people are coming in because so many people left and I’m worried everyone here is just going to be struggling and be triggering as fuck. I still CAN’T smoke cigarettes and it’s legit fucking killing me inside. I probs will have to wait another week until I can show them that I’m safe and can handle myself. I keep panicking and just had a crazy weird dissociative episode where I thought everything was a dream. Good thing is that I’ve challenged myself this week with foods that are uncomfortable and I’m resisting all of the purging urges by using lots of coping skills. I’ve been playing my ukulele and working on a large jigsaw puzzle and crushing ice. I even ripped up loads of newspaper today. I’m gonna contact my school in the morning and figure things out too. Hoping that my mom and grandma come to visit me sometime next week too. Will update more when I can. Message me if you read all of this I love u SO SO much. <3