You aren’t ‘a little OCD’ about anything. That isn’t an option. You don’t get to claim bits and pieces of me for your own and leave the undesirable bits behind. You’re either OCD or you’re not. Fucking stop it. Your ignorance in the very basic aspects of this disorder are shown every time you say something stupid about being a neat freak and how that is somehow related to your ‘minor OCD’ - that isn’t OCD. That’s just being annoying. Let’s break down the OCD part real quick - * Obsessive - adj. of the nature of an obsession * Obsession - an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a persons mind. * Compulsive - adj. resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes * Disorder - verb. to disrupt the systematic functioning or neat arrangement of, a state of confusion. We all know what each of those words mean independent of each other but put in this particular order the words change their meaning to be very very specific. Obsessive behavior, when it comes to OCD, isn’t just ‘I really like it when this is done in a certain way’, or ‘neatness keeps me sane’ or whatever other ablest ideas you have in your brain meats. In this order, obsessive compulsions literally amount to ‘if I don’t do this action, something HORRIFIC will happen. I know that logically my action won’t stop that HORRIFIC thing from happening especially since that HORRIFIC thing is entirely unlikely all around, but I cannot convince my brain of this logic.’ OCD is not a walk in the park. OCD is not synonymous with neatness. You know what is a symptom of OCD? Hoarding. It is incredibly invalidating to hear people that do NOT have OCD using it as an excuse for their mannerisms or habits - you wishing your house were neater before a guest arrived is not an appropriate moment to say ‘sorry for the mess, I’m so OCD I can’t even look at this place!’ In fact - unless you have OCD, that is literally never appropriate to say. OCD, like all mental illnesses, manifests differently in everyone that experiences but I can tell you from my experience that the obsessions and compulsions aren't cute or kitschy or something you wanna brag or even talk about. Get out of here with your ablism it will no longer be accepted.

My background intrusive thoughts that never leave: left right left right left right left right left right left right left right left right left right left right

So I’m reading the new John Green book and honestly it is taking me a little longer than I had expected it to. Not because it isn’t good, so far it is beautiful, and not because I don’t like it, I like it a lot actually. It’s because he describes the feeling of having OCD so accurately it’s hitting too close to home and sometimes I have to set it down and take a break from it. The way he describes the thought spirals and getting stuck with the thoughts that constitute your worst nightmares is so close to what it actually feels like it is incredible. The feelings he describes surrounding the way you feel about other people and how you feel like a burden on them because of the way your brain works is so true to  my experience of mental illness. Reading this book so far has been a little overwhelming but I am enjoying it. It’s nice though to read about someone else experiencing things the way I do. To know I am not alone in this no matter how isolating the OCD can be and how alone it makes me feel this book will always serve as a reminder that I am not alone in this.