#rawart

Playing Enderal and, you know, I got hit by another wave of existentialism. xD

I'm just so drawn to that world - I don't know why...

A thought flashed through my head: this dying world of the game - it's so damn similar to what's happening inside me and how I see reality unfolding...

Not that illusion everyone forces on you - "society" and "life". But the real reality: vices, lack of any clear meaning, people's stupidity, the mind-boggling enormity of the universe... and that primal fear before what really lies around us. We don't fucking know anything and we never will. We're not built for that.

I once heard that life exists just to experience everything through itself... funny thought. But life can only know through its senses - and those senses are an illusion. Life can never truly know truth... yeah, it can model the world again and again, based on its senses, and that's it.

Sad? Depressing? Totally.

The writers of Enderal are geniuses, man. Their dark fantasy is utterly beautiful - from the perspective of, you know... oblivion. I'd call it "romantic death".

When everything is going to shit, but the characters, their thoughts, the events, your immersion - all of it is so mesmerizingly beautiful. Even if it's depressing.

I dig that. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I've thought too much since I was a kid. Almost can't just relax and go with the flow. This "thinker's curse" always hovers over me.

Constant reflection, thoughts, realizations of everything. It... drains all my energy. Always.

But thanks to this curse - I truly live.

And life, as we already know, is impossible without suffering. Real life.

Why am I even saying this? Oh, yeah, just wanted to share the thoughts that were inside me while playing.

In this Entry, I drew Calia, one of the possible companions and love interests of the protagonist. This is the moment when the MC enters the medical ward after the "Journey to the Water".

I... really like her. I'd even say I'm in love with her archetype.

I understand I'll never get someone like Lae'zel in real life. I'm just not the kind of person she'd respect or even notice (though I really enjoy that character).

But Calia... she's different.

She also prefers being alone to focus on her goals. Even though she's powerful - love, compassion, kindness are not foreign to her.

Despite her distance, she's deeply empathetic.

We're a lot alike. In real life it'd be so interesting to be with someone like her.

Her thoughts - they're familiar to me.

That's why when I reached her story arc in the game - I had this strong drive to draw her.