#thasskar

Playing Enderal and, you know, I got hit by another wave of existentialism. xD

I'm just so drawn to that world - I don't know why...

A thought flashed through my head: this dying world of the game - it's so damn similar to what's happening inside me and how I see reality unfolding...

Not that illusion everyone forces on you - "society" and "life". But the real reality: vices, lack of any clear meaning, people's stupidity, the mind-boggling enormity of the universe... and that primal fear before what really lies around us. We don't fucking know anything and we never will. We're not built for that.

I once heard that life exists just to experience everything through itself... funny thought. But life can only know through its senses - and those senses are an illusion. Life can never truly know truth... yeah, it can model the world again and again, based on its senses, and that's it.

Sad? Depressing? Totally.

The writers of Enderal are geniuses, man. Their dark fantasy is utterly beautiful - from the perspective of, you know... oblivion. I'd call it "romantic death".

When everything is going to shit, but the characters, their thoughts, the events, your immersion - all of it is so mesmerizingly beautiful. Even if it's depressing.

I dig that. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I've thought too much since I was a kid. Almost can't just relax and go with the flow. This "thinker's curse" always hovers over me.

Constant reflection, thoughts, realizations of everything. It... drains all my energy. Always.

But thanks to this curse - I truly live.

And life, as we already know, is impossible without suffering. Real life.

Why am I even saying this? Oh, yeah, just wanted to share the thoughts that were inside me while playing.

In this Entry, I drew Calia, one of the possible companions and love interests of the protagonist. This is the moment when the MC enters the medical ward after the "Journey to the Water".

I... really like her. I'd even say I'm in love with her archetype.

I understand I'll never get someone like Lae'zel in real life. I'm just not the kind of person she'd respect or even notice (though I really enjoy that character).

But Calia... she's different.

She also prefers being alone to focus on her goals. Even though she's powerful - love, compassion, kindness are not foreign to her.

Despite her distance, she's deeply empathetic.

We're a lot alike. In real life it'd be so interesting to be with someone like her.

Her thoughts - they're familiar to me.

That's why when I reached her story arc in the game - I had this strong drive to draw her.

I'm replaying Enderal, and the inspiration kicked in - gotta draw the characters who stuck with me.

So, Lishari Peghast. The second female character that I remembered right from my first playthrough.

Why?

First, yeah, she's got a pretty attractive look - let's say, some hefty assets (if you know what I mean), impossible to argue with. xD

Second, the voice actor did a great job - her voice is warm, inviting, and paired with her friendly personality, it just draws you in.

She curses charmingly, reacts adorably when the MC shows interest in her personally, and not just another hired mage from Nehrim.

I decided to illustrate the first "personal" meeting with her in the tavern, when the MC really starts to get Peghast, because that scene is the first thing that pops into my head at the mention of Lishari.

And yeah, her storyline is tragically. :(

It honestly hit me hard when I reached that part - I didn't see it coming, I'll say that (I won't spoil what happens, though. Not for any better reason, just, y'know xD).

Her approachable, down-to-earth character and tragic fate - they hit hard emotionally. I remembered her, I guess forever.

She feels alive. That's a well-written character, even if she's not "mega important" story-wise.

These personal encounters with characters are such a vibe - I've felt only similar emotional connection in Baldur's Gate 3.

In Enderal, even without branching dialogue, just the flow of the conversation feels so real that you are talking to a living person.

Why? Probably because the questions and answers touch on eternal themes. As you read her question or your answer choice, you start thinking about the topic yourself, not noticing 20 minutes have passed in dialogue. Then you pick, she replies, and new thoughts emerge, new ideas. Then another answer. Another 20-minute thought loop. xD

It's awesome, I love that because, as I said before, I suffer from the "curse of overthinking". xD

So yeah, bliss. I consider Lishari a really comfortable personality to be around. Interacting with her in-game always gave me good vibes.

I played Enderal like 2-3 years ago. I don't remember every moment with her, but I do remember how I felt during those scenes. And that's worth more than dry lore facts. That's why I describe her from my emotions, not lore facts.

And now that I'm replaying Enderal, I've re-experienced those feelings.

Of course, the pop king itself - Instagram (how could we exist without this colossus of all things shiny and visual). But that one felt... too glossy, too polished. Definitely not the right place for my scribbled ravings of a madman.

Considered DeviantArt. Seemed like a cool idea - a social network for artsy souls. But it felt either completely dead or just... ultra-niche. Didn't vibe with me.

Pinterest? lol. I didn't even bother to treat it seriously.

It's more like a lifeless warehouse full of reference material for other lost souls seeking inspiration. Not my scene either.

And then... that's it.

Turns out, Tumblr is the only halfway decent place left for this kind of thing.

Maybe there are other fancy "portfolio" platforms out there. But I don't just want to show my art - I want to ramble, whine, overshare. You know - the whole Zaissk experience. xD

Now, a bit of background on Entry #4.

I showed up at my brother's place - he's an actual artist - flexing my newborn sketching adventures.

He looked at one and goes: "looks like a deranged lunatic is trying to draw... but there's style. There's vibe".

That's a pretty accurate description, I think. xD

We ended up talking about the holy grail basics - those ancient runes every art student is cursed to hear at least once in life: hatching, shading, half-tones, light sources, form, volume, perspective, proportions... you know, academia stuff.

And I suddenly got fired up to do some good ol' cube-and-sphere bootcamp - work on technique, lay some groundwork.

But I didn't wanna sink into full-on academic depression, so I decided to give these "primitives" some story.

The initial idea was: I'd draw the Astral Plane - scattered eyeballs of dead gods floating around (as spheres), with cubes and cylinders as shattered remnants of ancient structures.

Solid enough. So I sat down and started.

First sphere? Done. Hatched it properly, just like the holy books say. Then came the next one... and boom - divine epiphany: "Wait, these kinda look like eyes, ripping through the fabric of reality, gazing... at whoever's looking at the this art".

And that was it. Down the rabbit hole we go.

Suddenly I was sketching eyeballs.

Then I wanted some movement - so I threw in cosmic streams cutting through space. And then I realized... the streams and eye placement looked like a giant parasite.

It looked so sick I had to keep it. My hand said: "no more dead god ruins - today, we birth a cosmic parasite that stares into your soul". xD

So I doubled down on the eye motif. Drew them from different angles, slashing open space itself.

Yeah, it’s surreal.

I was honestly kinda shook by the end. That whole mess somehow formed a semi-coherent lore by accident.

A small tribute to true sci-fi horror - Dead Space.

I deeply respect Dead Space 1 for its atmosphere of cosmic uncertainty, that feeling of holding your breath every time you open yet another door. I respect it for the masterful body-horror art style. I respect the diegetic interface that pulls you even deeper into immersion.

Necromorphs will forever stay in horror history as these... ungraspable things - once human, now transformed into some kind of freakshow monstrosities, waiting to devour you in the claustrophobic hallways of the Ishimura.

Spinning it, building momentum, striking - it just looks beautiful. And well, I love beautiful things. xD

So yeah, I wanted to capture that fight - Belmont vs Alucard.

Two styles, two energies. One is tension and attack. The other is calm and aristocratic, almost bored. Whip vs sword. Movement vs stillness.

This Entry came together super spontaneously.

I came home tired after a trip and just wanted to draw. Didn't matter what. Just draw.

I scrolled through some art for a while, and suddenly something Morrowind-related popped up - and I was like: "that's it!"

And so I ended up sketching a little Morrowind landscape.

I love that part of TES, I think it's the best in the whole series. The lore, the atmosphere, the artstyle - all of it is so cool (well, yeah, and also because Kirkbride was the lead designer xD).

While I was scratching at the paper, I caught myself thinking - here I am, vibing at night, nodding to some of my favorite tracks, drawing art for one of my favorite games. Just... pure enjoyment, rest, wish I could do this every day. xD

This Entry really stuck with me as one of the most vibe-heavy ones in terms of the process. Drawing landscapes is nothing like drawing characters. No need to stress about anatomy or go "wait, does this even look normal? Or did I once again accidentally draw some anatomical abomination?". xD