#ramblingpost

I hate how I can’t sleep and it used to disturb my ex on a biblical level, because I couldn’t keep the same work hours he did, so he could keep an eye on me

I hate how one of my partners has his own triggers but couldn’t care less that i do too.

I hate my flashbacks and how I get locked in them and other people don’t understand my rage and confusion even when I’ve told them about my life and what I think to be the root of them, but with DID you just don’t know sometimes.

I hate how i am a prisoner in my own head to that shitty voice that keeps telling me I can’t, that I’m not trying hard enough, that I’m a fake that I deserved everything i got.

I hate how I switch and some people don’t like some of my alters so they try to tell me not to let them front when they are around, which by the way is a very abusive way to try to control someone else’s system. I wouldn’t be able to control that for long if at all anyways.

As a way to journal to myself, and to get this blog a little more active(because the gods know I’m terrible as heck about keeping accounts active) I’ve decided to try and make a post for how I came into the world of paganims, witchcraft, and my spirituality as a whole.

I’m torn between whether I classify myselsf as a baby witch or not. I wouldn’t excatly say I’m new to paganism or being a witch as I first discovered that witchcraft, wicca, and paganism were actually real when I was in my teens. My mom, a pagan, gave me my first books to read and really sparked my interest. That being said, I was 12 at the time, and I personally, don’t feel I was properly prepared. I read the books available to me at the time such as Silver Ravenwolf and Scott Cunningham. I, for the longest time, believed Wicca and Witchcraft to be one and the same-- obviously I know better now-- and I can safely say I never attempted spells at my age because I didn’t know how to properly do them. I would attempt my own Sabbat rituals and... that was about it. I grew away from that part of my life as I dealt with puberty and school. 

Several years later, I was able to get back to it here and there. I still worked on my tarot workings; and I did meditations when I could fit them in. I was older, still retained some of the information from my younger years, but ready to dive back into it... Well, starting a family soon became the focal point of  my life as my son came unexpectedly into my life and again my craft got pushed back to the back burner. Now, as a woman almost in her 30s-- I don’t regret waiting and letting myself get my life in order. Within the past two years alone I’ve gained more knowledge-- most of which I didn’t quite have from the books available at the time and have seen growth in my spirituality and my path. I’m far from figuring it out and if I were asked on the spot what I label my craft as; the answer would be- eclectic. I’m more of a fan of herbs than I am crystals. I worship a deity, but don’t work with one yet. I’m terrified to attempt spirit work at the time being because I know I’m not properly knowledgeable or prepared for that in my craft at this time. I enjoy kitchen witchery and adding magickal to my mundane daily life.

But that also means another thing. Since both Ruby and Sapphire’s personalities have no real room to improve any more, there’s really only one development in their characters one could focus on...