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a different way exists. if you feel it in your heart, it's waiting for you.
*i want to acknowledge, in this video and always, that traveling and living in foreign countries is a privilege. this place is not mine. i have no right to it. to the best of my ability, i support and engage with local people and economies and try to keep my footprint as small as possible, while reveling in the beauty and magic of a people and a place. travel with the awareness that you are always a guest. live with the awareness that you are owed nothing; that nothing belongs to you. and, most importantly, live with an open heart.
i wrote on the links between mysticism and schizophrenia, psychiatry, psychedelic substances, mental illness, altered states of consciousness, saints, a bit on my own experiences, a soulās union with a higher power, and the abyss of Godās love! š¤ https://open.substack.com/pub/eroticvalentine/p/a-connection-to-god-schizophrenia?r=1a45tt&utm_medium=ios
Connecting to God and the abyss of love takes many forms and paths, no matter which you take love and the Divine will intertwine and never l
okay but the THING IS that after cas comes back from the empty totally human, and before he and dean (read: dean) pull their heads out of their respective asses, cas is... depressed. jack is still MIA, dean hasnāt acknowledged his confession but is still awkward around him, and he has to witness eileen and sam being stupidly in love with each other on a daily basis (heās so very happy for him, but being human is Hard).Ā
so, he spends a lot of his days watching documentaries. mostly he watches them to laugh at what they get wrong (though heās rapidly forgettingāwas allosaurus plumage red or green?), but then he watches one on fungi and itās so obvious. determined not to be a burden, he spends hours scrolling through mushroom forager forums until he bites the bullet and makes himself an account. fast forward three days and heās sailing out of the library with a backpack and a vagueĀ āgoing outā to dean's questioning frown. dean, who follows him into the garage.
ācas, seriously, whereāre youāā
āgroceries.ā
ādude, we have everything here. hang on a sec, iāll get my jacket and come withāā
ānoāā
āit aināt no trouble. whaddya needāā
āiām going to meet a friend, okay?!ā
and cas throws himself into the car and peels out of the garage as fast as possible. he meets the other forager, user funguy21 (whose real name is darla, sheās a mycologist at U of W, home for a couple weeks), and the two of them spend a nice if a little awkward hour looking for mushrooms. by the time cas makes it back, heās got a new contact in his phone and a small paper bag in the front seat.Ā
deanās in the shower when cas gets home, but he nods a greeting to sam and eileen before cleaning his spoils and heading back out to the wooded area behind the bunker. he goes just past the little clearing theyāve set up with lawn chairs, sitting himself down next to an old, gnarled tree and carefully selecting the mushroom darla advised he start with. And another. And another.Ā
he eats them.
the sun is setting and itās beautiful, and slowly, cas can hear every blade of grass in the quickening wind. he can see the air moving in currents around him. the more he stares at the light being reflected off the clouds in long, sweet notes of pinks and purples, the more that light turns to its geometric base properties at the corners of his vision. colours have sound, sound has texture, and castiel is small in the bigness of it all. one tiny piece of a larger system of air and earth and water. he closes his eyes and heās rooted to the ground. heās breathing with it, he knowsĀ it. he puts his palms down and the brown of the dirt is warm and tingly with the energy of what lives beneath it. of whoĀ lives beneath it.Ā
the first land-bound organism.
he touches his forehead to the ground, hands on either side as if in prayer, and feels the memories of a billion years touch him back. thank you, he thinks fiercely.
welcome home, mycelium says. we missed you.
tears spring to casās eyes. he can feel the sharpness of their geometry against the softness of his cheeks, the cool blue of his breath puffing against the earth, the minute shifting of tectonic plates here and a thousand miles from here.Ā
he stays there long enough for his knees to ache and his back to turn stiff. itās dark by the time he lifts his head, but the stars are swirling in the sky and microscopic, bioluminescent spores litter the air around him. he is in the middle of the forest and the milky way, and out of the corner of his eye there is a midnight sun.
ācas?!ā dean says. he comes closer and the earth shakes with every step, and his soul shines through his skin. heās radiant. cas feels himself start to cry all over again. so beautiful so beautiful so beautiful.
the creature kneels beside him and takes him into his arms and his warm is a song and his voice is dark green and heās safe and lovely and castiel clutches to the tinkling sensation of his flannel. he smells the way curling up on a chair with a mug of tea feels.Ā
āchrist, youāre freezing. what the hellād you do yourself, huh?ā
cas doesnāt know how to tell his home heās homesick.Ā
by the time dean has managed to get him into his pjs and tucked into bed, cas can no longer see his light. he squeezes his eyes shut against his dulling senses, taking deep, even breaths. he must eventually fall asleep, because when he wakes, the clock reads twelve hours later, and heās wrapped around deanās back like an octopus. the second he tenses, dean shifts, looking over his shoulder. heās alert.
heās been up for a while.
heās also cautious, if the way he moves is any indication. castiel braces himself for imminent rejection and does a panicked run-through of all his worldly possessions. he has more than last time but still not enough money to house himselfā
āplease donāt do that again.ā
cas freezes.
āthe uh, the shrooms. donāt... do that again.ā
cas looks at him. doesnāt dare move.
dean chews his lip.Ā āthere was, ah, in the end times zachariah threw us ināyou were stoned all the time, man. youāā he shakes his head.Ā āthis is a fuckinā mess.ā
cas watches him breathe. watches him set his shoulders. "iām sorry about your grace,ā he says, voice cracking in the middle.Ā āand māsorry about how i been treating you, and iām sorry iām a selfish dick for bringinā you back, but cas... what you didāā he rolls his lips over his teeth.
cas narrows his eyes.Ā āiād do it again.ā
āi know,ā dean laughs, humourlessly.Ā ādonāt i know it. but you donāt justāi mean, i didnāt even get toāā he looks up. his eyes are red-rimmed.Ā āand then i find you outside after god knows how long, freezing and high off your ass and bent like youāre fuckinā prayinā and i canātāā
āi was homesick.ā
āi know, butāā
ābeing human is hard. this helped.ā
āi get that, butāā
āitās nice to know i can still beāconnected. to, ah, everything. even without my grace.ā
dean stares. bites his lip.
āi canāt promise i wonāt do it again, but i feel better, now.ā
āyeah?ā
after a moment of consideration, cas nods.Ā
āgood. thatās... good.ā a beat.Ā āhey, listen, umāā
and then he leans forward and gives cas a kiss. his mouth is soft and plush and when he pulls away his cheeks are pink.Ā āi canāt promise i wonāt fuck up and get you pissed or annoyed or hurt you because thatāthatās my MO. but that thing you wanted? if you still... you can have it,ā he says. āācause iāā he swallows thickly.Ā āfuck, i want it so bad, cas.ā a shaky exhale. ācards on the table: i love you.ā
the smile that overtakes casās face feels like flying. he leans in for a quick peck, smiling even wider when dean chases him as he pulls back.Ā ācards on the table,ā he mumbles.Ā āi love you, too.ā
outside, the ground is practically covered in mushrooms.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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