So basically, in the last year and a half I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve done it in a relatively healthy way, low carb and moderate exercise. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes and most of the time I think I look good, objectively. When I overeat I definitely guilt myself and occasionally I can fall into a binge, but lately I’ve gotten a lot better at this (lifting weights seemed to help??)

Anyway, I have been experiencing social anxiety for most of my life- it got worse around college- but now as a senior, being at a good place confidence-wise, my anxiety seems to have disappeared entirely. I don’t even beat myself up over my body hardly ever, and while I’d definitely say I have a weird food relationship it has gotten better.

What my problem is now is that, I don’t feel like myself at all, mostly physically but personality wise as well. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been but I feel locked off somehow. Not in a dissociative way, and not usually in a depression way, just like I’m not me anymore. I kinda like this me more but I also miss the other me? I’ve gone back to past “looks” that I’ve had with the hope of reconnecting with myself but it’s almost made it worse. I don’t recognize my body or have a clue what I look like most of them time. And as I’ve talked about before I get intense jealousy over other people’s physical and mental selves, though this too has gotten a little better.

I'm possibly coming back to getting kicked out of my house that I love, while losing my boyfriend.

he made me sign a contract saying I owed over 1000$ in back rent.

any advice would be greatly appreciated

Well, I’m going to assume they are in the healing phase. Please, if this isn’t the case, send another ask and feel free to stay on anon!

Therapy is key. Maybe you can’t for whatever reason, see a therapist and in that case, start with surrounding yourself with good friends. Group therapy is nice, you get a sense that you aren’t alone better with it, but for those who can’t do that for any reason, one on one is great too, and in some ways is better. Either way, in therapy, go at your pace but be honest. I sometimes find myself deflecting or avoiding answering something, and that never ends well. Bill says it doesn’t serve healing and he’s right.

If you get a therapist and they send you to a psychologist to get medications, ask many questions about the medication. Like, what to expect, possible side effects and interactions, and signs of an allergy. Give any medication a month unless you’re having awful side effects or bad reactions. Again, if you got any addictive habits with drugs or alcohol, tell them. They won’t tell the cops, they need to know for your health and your care. They can even help you get off drugs and alcohol, if you need to.

With most psych medication, you can’t drink or do street drugs, so you gotta tell em. 

Likewise, with your therapist, unless a crime like murder has been divulged, they won’t tell on you. And if something has been done to you, it can vary on if they tell, though if they thing you need to talk to the police they will often try to urge you to first, or in general.

Let yourself heal. Its normal to go through a bunch of stress and worry about your feelings towards your abuser. I hated my mom and yet I loved her. I had to deal with both feelings, what they meant, and realize it’s ok and valid to feel both things. Just because you love someone doesnt mean you cannot hate them for what they did. 

Likewise, you can love someone and still be terrified of them. If I talk to or go around my mom, shes still abusive, so I get terrified of being around her. But, I refuse to let her hurt me any more. Everyone deserves to be safe, loved, and comfortable. That is another think I had issues realizing, and for a while after leaving, I still thought awful of myself and, if I’m being honest, I still think that way from time to time. But I’m still healing, and my therapist told me that will happen for a while. I’ve been working with him a short while, and its hard to get out of that headspace. 

For this, I’ve started to start my day by telling myself, out loud in the mirror, at least three positive things about myself. You can try this, and it can just be things other people see in you. The goal is get yourself to find more and more you like about you.

Another thing that has been helpful is art therapy. Art Therapy isn’t just drawing. It can be drawing, painting, writing, anything! I do mine with pictures, taking photos that is. I also use Stim toys for anxiety and agitation.

Thats all I can think of at the moment but please feel free to write to me on anon more if you need more help. Again get professional help, what I’m saying is a start but I’m a little bit... not broken really, but lets call us all a work in progress.