#prurify

I don’t like / or feel like using clinical diagnostic terminology as a means to make sense of my experiences, but I think that transracial-based “OCD”, or simply put rumination should be a thing. (A form of OCD)

My mind manages to goad myself into believing that I’m a bad person for being trace, being a fetishiser, that I should die for not being my desired culture(s), and I’m a “pretendian” and a “fraud” and having weird fixations on strangers of my desired cultures, being generally obsessive and stalker-like, repeating names over and over again despite not knowing or having an interest in said specific person. It’s become quite a maladaptive tendency over the years and this usually occurs whenever I’m in social spaces. I am neurodivergent and deal with social anxiety, so this just felt like another awkward quirk I had.

Being somewhat into manifestation, I am aware that this is a false affirmation and that this does not represent me, but I can’t help but give in to the thought that I am a troubled individual who feels like I have to leech onto a culture in order to make sense of myself.

I have talked to some people who have shared similar anecdotes about their dysphoria and how it manifests in this way, and I guess it does help humanise this feeling somewhat. Hopefully sharing this helps other people who are also struggling with the same.