#projectink

sometimes i torture myself into visions i envy too much. then its beautiful darkness will haunt me for days. there is restlessness.

sometimes i just want to sleep and never care about reality. kill what's existing and live in my pretend world. there is denial.

sometimes i question myself why am i so insecure. and hate myself harder and harder that i started hating mirrors. there is pain.

sometimes i wonder when will i be contented, or why am i still here breathing the air that suffocates me.

I walk alone at night and see visions that I know I can't do any sooner.

I walk alone at night and feel lonely for I was there being stagnant.

I walk alone at night and scream inside how unfair life is.

I walk alone at night and curse to the golds of those white-teeth lads.

I walk alone at night and see my worn out shoes same as my soul.

I kind of fear that I will lose what I feel for you,

 i am addicted to amy winehouse.

i remember back in highschool when i’ve heard ‘rehab’ for the first time and thought it was cool. but i was not yet a fan of contemporary music back then so i let it go. so what a sad reality.

until last month, a friend introduced me to ‘back to black’ album and since he is really a special person in my life, i gave it a go. and right then i know my life will change forever. i rekindled my love for jazz music and i started liking amy, big time. then just like that, i find myself always listening to her ever since, watching her live performances on youtube, and obsessing over her voice, her style, her life.

i watched the oscar-winner documentary -- AMY, twice in just a month. i got really addicted to her. i started to love her, adore her. i started to sing jazz songs and search for other jazz singers prior to her. my music taste changed a bit, whilst i am loving her more and more.

i just really hate it that she’s dead. i mean, maybe that was one of the factors why i didn’t listen to her way way back -- because i know she’s dead and she can’t make more of her great music. i really hate it that amazing people have to die so soon; maybe because you really pick the best flowers in a garden and let the others grow more to achieve the same beauty, then it’s a cycle.

now all i have with me is her 2 albums released, and that other one after her death. now all i have with me are her live performance clips on the net. now all i have with me is a memory of a girl with an amazing voice but didn’t quite had an amazing journey with life’s shits.

i never realized march is over. all i know was that i was living my usual life with my routines and shenanigans. until march passed and i was surprised to be honest. but the good news here is that i don’t feel regretful at all because without my knowing, march has been fun for me. my soul was somehow telling me that i did it, better this time.

maybe i can consider this month my happiest so far. i got to balance everything without actually making an effort to do it and the reason why i didn’t know that it’s over is because i myself was enjoying it. i cannot believe that after months of stress, march will happen. or had happened. i am blacker and maybe happier than the previous ones.

so i have decided to compile all of the happenings last march since i wasn’t able to post anything for i was so busy balancing work and fun moments. i got good news, i have dealt with stress gracefully, i conquered this month with smiles and courage. this is me being weird i think because i get sad a lot and i never thought march will make me happy.

i have been resting my soul for weeks now. i have been also very busy with other things. i have seen a lot during those time i chose not to visit this blog. i have realized a lot. i have been exposed to new artists. i have evolved i can say. i have been darker, blacker, and more more fearless than ever.

there were sad days and happy days. i don’t ever want to count which is which because i don’t want to hurt myself. i somehow hate those sad days and sometimes i love them. those happy days were unexpected and i can’t wait for more days like those. music is my actual savior from everything.

i still cannot sleep at night. i still can’t stop thinking about the possibility that i will make it to the stage one day. or direct the most amazing film and get recognized. or write that one poetry book that souls will love. when will i ever feel the change or the progress. i still don’t know what the future holds.

all i know is that i am blacker than ever. i went back to being black and it makes me happy and strong and not giving a damn about shits of life. about the golds or about bills or about gods or demons. sometimes they haunt me but no fuck them. i am just blacker and blacker than ever.