#prochoiceparent

Little Bean at 20 Weeks

We came back for part two of the anatomy scan. I guess they didn’t get a good enough look at the internal organs last time. The ultrasound technician does the same personification I find myself doing, talking to Little Bean as though any of our communication made sense, or referring to them as stubborn when they wouldn’t move into an optimal position for viewing. (Also the technician referred to Little Bean’s “gender” rather than “sex” several times. I found that oddly non-medical.) Everything seems to be in order. 

Me at 20 weeks

I remember being warned that pregnancy was a time people didn’t respect your body, specifically in regards to touching without permission. Although I haven’t experienced that (yet) - I’m startled by the amount of commentary people have given on my physical appearance. I’d gladly accept a compliment like- “You look lovely,” “You look happy,” etc. But instead, my thinness seems to be the focus. Western beauty standards currently dictate thinness to be desirable, so I suppose people think they are complimenting me. They are not. I find it upsetting, yet very difficult to speak up about. (Some of these “compliments” are baffling, like “There’s no baby!” and “Your friends must be jealous!”)

I have no control over the size of my baby bump. I’m doing my best to be healthy and take care of my pregnancy. (I also don’t want people telling me, “you look huge!” or “ready to pop!” in a few months.)

I’ve stood up for myself exactly once, and only because it felt safe. (The person was younger and not in a position of power over me.) After I told her I was 20 weeks, she took a step back to look me up and down. Before she could say anything, I said, “Please don’t assess my body.” She seemed startled, but realized what I was saying. There’s really no time when comments about someone’s weight or size are appropriate.  

Again, I’m happy to be pregnant, and I chose this. But seeing other people disrespect my body and act like my body is a communal resource that’s open for their commentary reminds me of how pregnant people who don’t want to be pregnant are treated. I support you and your choices!

Little Bean at 17 Weeks

These ultrasounds are part of the “anatomy scan,” an in-depth detailed look all over Little Bean’s body. We saw their spinal cord, heart, kidneys, and more. Cool!

Although this scan looked at many issues, the big one everyone’s asking me about is the sex of the fetus.

We decided to find out- I consider all information useful- but I have reservations. I don’t know if Little Bean will have the same gender as their doctor-assigned sex or not. I plan to model kindness and support is that isn’t the case.

If Little Bean is cisgender, I still dislike excessive baby gendering. I feel anxiety about all the kindly-meant presents we’ll receive from friends and family. I don’t want my baby girl to have exclusively pink frilly things, or my baby boy to have exclusively blue sporty things. A baby can’t tell the difference, but those perceived differences get harped upon and driven into their minds as they age. 

My big picture worry is receiving pushy advice and judgment about parenting. I’ve already tried to prepare for a future fight with my parents about sleep schedules and about spanking. For my in-laws, there will be passive aggressive concerns about living far away. Perhaps I’m overblowing these concerns. But they are a very real part of why I’ve waited a long time to become a parent. And I seriously considered never becoming a parent. 

Maybe you aren’t ready to be a parent yet, or don’t want to be one at all. I may not share your reasons (or even understand them) but I support you!

Little Bean at 10 weeks

We’ve left the fertility clinic and switched to Obgyn. Photo quality went down quite a bit- you have to use your imagination a little. (Head on left, body to the right.)

Our embryo doesn’t look like a little bean anymore but seems more humanoid. I wish I had a video instead: the big change was movement. Little Bean was wiggling, almost cartwheeling all around! (It doesn’t help that I laugh and shake a lot too.)

We continue to be relieved that the pregnancy is going well. We’re telling family about it this week.

While I’m so happy that Little Bean is healthy, first trimester is still a common time for miscarriage. Many people don’t share about their pregnancies until the end of the first trimester (12 weeks) when that risk has gone way down. So far we’ve made it past some unfavorable odds, and I’m feeling encouraged.

I still have some anxiety about miscarriage. I think about how much more scary it would be to live somewhere that I could be investigated for miscarriage. I am trying my best to be healthy, but any time people are looking to blame you, they will come up with something. Every day I read another article telling me about something I shouldn’t be doing. There’s 500 ways to blame someone for a miscarriage. Should have eaten red meat. Shouldn’t have painted your nails. Should have read those herbal tea ingredients more carefully. How dare you wash dishes with this kind of soap. What a scary, blame-filled way of looking at the world. The eagerness to punish one person seeking termination will also harm those who don’t want to terminate.

I support you and your choices!

Little Bean - 6 week embryo

Seeing the embryo was a wild experience with laughter and tears. (They aren’t a fetus yet, I learned- 6 more weeks for that milestone.) They don’t look much like a person yet either. I thought they looked like a cute little bean. We also got to hear the “heartbeat,” and could see the pumping action. Little bean’s heart is not formed yet; we just see/hear the flutter of cells firing electric signals.

Six weeks is also a misnomer: the timing relates to the menstrual cycle, not conception. This embryo has only had 4 weeks to grow.

In America, several states are trying to end the choices of pregnant people at 6 weeks. This strikes me as a way to trick people. (Especially people who don’t even know they are pregnant yet.)

Rushing someone doesn’t empower them to make a good choice.

Hearing the heartbeat was wonderful for me, but it could be an upsetting experience for someone in a different situation than mine. I support you and your right to make choices about your body.

Beloved Blastocyst

Want to know what leads to a late term abortion? Read on:

“At 20 weeks, during the standard anatomy scan, we were told that the baby (who we found out shortly after was a girl) had a moderate hydrocephalus. The ventricles of the brain are always supposed to contain fluid, but they should never be larger than 10mm at the most. Her’s, at 20 weeks, were both around 20mm. We were devastated, but still hopeful. At that point, there would be brain damage, because the fluid was taking up space that her brain needed to develop, but it could be fairly minor. And even the worst outcome with 20mm ventricles would still allow her a good quality of life...

“But at 28 weeks, they had increased fairly significantly, to something like 26-28mm on one side and 32-34mm on the other. That was a lot of growth…We began making plans to deliver via c-section at 34 weeks, and started researching what we would need to do to get her the therapies she’d need, since she was definitely going to [have] special needs...

“[At 31 weeks] the ventricles had enlarged significantly, to the point that the larger was up into the 40+ range. Worse, her head had not grown, and the increased fluid had further compressed her brain, so that the damage was now catastrophic...