#procasination

Types of Man You Can Date at LSE (as explained by asset classes):

1. The Government Bond: You're only dating him for security. He offers minimal returns and can't be bothered to take you on nice dates. You're not satisfied with the relationship, but stay in it nevertheless because it's better to be in one than to just put your money in the bank and miss out. He's either the type that plays video games during the day and goes to Saucy at night, or the type that studies Management, Geography, or Anthropology. No interest? More like negative interest.

2. The Corporate Bond: You dumped the Government Bond because he was shit, and you're finally fed up. You tried replace him immediately, but because you're also shit, you've only managed to catch the Corporate Bond. You don't know if you've picked the right one, and you're definitely not getting as much as you hoped.

3. The Stock Index: You can expect that the relationship will get better over time, despite the short-run fluctuations and occasional crashes. Offers decent returns but doesn't offer the potential, thrill, chase, and game. Basic and average - literally.

4. The Real Estate: Cyclical, moody, and somewhat difficult to manage. Timing is crucial and you have to always plan your conversations so you don't catch him when he's in a bad mood. Pipes and roof break once in a while, and he could be very high maintenance. You'll surely lose if you don't know how to work him. You see his potentials and try to repair the relationship, so despite all the shit your friends say about him, you know he's a good investment deep down...

4. The Mortgage-Backed Security: Bad rep, bad history with your friend(s), bad idea, bad bad bad. These are the skater boys you had a crush on in middle school, and after Facebook stalking him recently, you found out his life has gone under water. Is he even relevant anymore?

5. The Foreign Market: Dark skin, handsome, eight packs, and piercing gaze. You refer to him not even as a specific type of asset because you honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on and who he is, but wants him anyway because he's exotic and mysterious AF. So exotic you have no idea what he's saying half the time. Probably Columbian or Peruvian... or Uzbekistan-ian?

6. The Cryptocurrency: Where do I even begin...? He never texts you back, and when he does, it's 11 PM on a Thursday night (never Tuesday because he's hunting at Ministry, and never Wednesday because he's with his other laddy lads at Zoo). Drinks protein shakes and always at the gym. Everyone thinks he's so hot but he's totally overrated and will burst your bubble of hope. Highly volatile, unpredictable, and extremely risky, but you're still hoping he could give you the best night of your life. Drop him, girl - he has no real value to back it up.

7. The Venture Capital: AKA your one-night stand regrets. You were too drunk and made out with someone who looked 10 times hotter than the guy next morning. 98% chance he's shit, and you wish you never touched him.

8. The Option: Probably doing finance, private equity, law, or whatever you're into. Shares his notes with you and suggests to take you to Nando's before you even ask. Amazing guy with limited downside and unlimited upside. If you find this man, make sure to get him in long position A S A P.