#print copy

Hey! I've talked about this a bit but I'm a low income trans woman who does writing and game design as a side gig. Unfortunately, I'm also American and that's about to get really rough. I'm doing a pre-order run of some print copies of one of my best stories, Era of Silence: Bearer of the True Sight, to cover legal fees for ID and federal paperwork changes before Jan 20th. For just $5 (or more) plus $2 shipping you can get a copy anywhere in the US!

Outside of the US? Consider donating to my ko-fi directly. It really does help.

PRE-ORDERS END DECEMBER 8TH!!!

Acolyte Mira returns to her home city after a year’s pilgrimage. She carries a holy relic, a pair of eyes. Now, she is pursued. Can she get to her enclave before they catch her?

Short Story, 20ish pages, softcover, staple bound. Should be mailed out by the holidays.

Genre- Adventure

Content Warning: Heavy Religious Content, Implied Delusional Mania, Violence and Injury Gore, Drug Use, Heavy Body Modification, Horror

Want to peek the story before making the buy?

Mutual funds sahi hai should be - "మ్యూచువల్ ఫండ్స్ సరైనవే", not "మ్యూచువల్ ఫండ్స్ నిజమే".

Source : Twitter, link below

ALT

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My improvement for it would be as below 

Patanjali Nutrela ad copy

I don't have any specific feedback on the copy. The words used are common, but the UX while reading is broken. Especially the font size and the way the sentence is truncated to highlight the important words is making the reading experience broken. 

At a high level they want to say “ పొందండి డైలీ యాక్టివ్ మల్టీ-విటమిన్లు మరియు ఉండండి అనుదినం శక్తివంతులుగా” 

 They should have broken the sentence as below to make it easy to reading without any cognitive load to decipher what’s going on there

“ పొందండి 

డైలీ యాక్టివ్ మల్టీ-విటమిన్లు 

మరియు ఉండండి అనుదినం శక్తివంతులుగా” 

One minor improvement could be with this phare “ఉండండి అనుదినం శక్తివంతులుగా” - i think they wanted to say, “stay energised everyday” . To convey that they could have used “ఉండండి ప్రతిరోజూ ఉత్సాహంగా” which is simple and easy to understand. 

final copy could be

“ పొందండి

డైలీ యాక్టివ్ మల్టీ-విటమిన్లు

Dunzo is known for their copywriting and the amount of effort they put into their ads. Unfortunately and as guessed, that expertise is just limited to English and Hindi. When it came to localization, they did seem to have taken the Google Translate route. 

I have 2 pieces of feedback on their copy 

First one

In the sentence, “ఇప్పుడు ఇంక ఫ్రిడ్జ్ తో ఉపయోగం ఏముంది” , instead of “ఉపయోగం” they should have used the word “పని”. 

“ఇప్పుడు ఇంక ఫ్రిడ్జ్ తో  పని ఏముంది” . 

Other word suggestion to replace ఉపయోగం is అవసరం . 

“ఇప్పుడు ఇంక ఫ్రిడ్జ్  అవసరం ఏముంది” 

Second One

In both the places above, they used the phrase “ విస్తృత శ్రేణి “ which is the right word to convey the meaning “wide range” , but that phrase really doesn’t go well with rest of the words in the sentences 

విస్తృత శ్రేణి వస్తువులపై అదనపు తగ్గింపు పొందండి ( Translates to : Get additional discounts on a wide range of items)

విస్తృత శ్రేణి కేటగిరీల నుంచి ఎన్నుకోండి( Translates to : Choose from a wide range of categories). 

The correct approach would be to rephrase the sentences as 

లక్షల కొద్దీ వస్తువులపై అదనపు తగ్గింపు పొందండి (Translates to :Get extra discount on lakhs  of items, it quantifies the wide range, i am not sure if they will be Ok with quantification of items , but it is much more readable and pleasing) . Also the word “వస్తువు” translates to object, rather they should be using “product” which translates to “ఉత్పత్తి”  . So final suggested one looks like “లక్షల కొద్దీ ఉత్పత్తులపై అదనపు తగ్గింపు పొందండి”

I would not say it is perfect, but it is almost perfect. 

If i have to point 1 improvement, i would remove the word “అచ్చ్చమైన”  in the 3rd line, i think it was used to suggest the original way of making pickles, given that “సాంప్రదాయ"  is used in the 6th line, “అచ్చ్చమైన”  can be replaced and 3rd line can be written as “ స్వచ్ఛమైన, రుచికరమైన పచ్చళ్ళు”.

also “ ఒక ప్రత్యేకతను జోడించి"  is not adding any value, an can be replaced. 

I would write the entire copy as below 

ఫ్రీడమ్ వేరుశనగ నూనెతో

స్వచ్ఛమైన, రుచికరమైన పచ్చళ్ళు ఇంటివద్దనే తయారు చేసుకోండి.

Copy where i think there are issues >>>> Suggested Copy

జువెల్లరీని కొనడానికి ఇప్పుడు ఉత్తమమైన సమయం. ఎన్నో ఆదాలు,  ఎంతో ఆనందం, కేవలం జోయాలుక్కాస్ లో >>>

This issue for me here is with the phrase ఎన్నో ఆదాలు, I think this was a literal translation of “more savings, more happiness”. My suggestion would be below

>>> “జువెల్లరీని కొనడానికి ఇదే సరైన సమయం, చేయండి మరి కొంచం ఎక్కువఆదా, పొందండి మరి కొంచం ఎక్కువ సొంతోషం, కేవలం జోయాలుక్కాస్ లో "

given this is a small font text, it should not be a problem to add a few more words 

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