Why can't I just be happy??
I came across this Peanuts comic yesterday and immediately reposted it because of how true it is for me, and I really can't think of a better way to describe what I'm going through right now. Ever since the beginning of August things have really been looking up, but since I haven't really felt truly happy for a few years I keep feeling like I shouldn't be happy, like something bad is about to happen, or like I don't deserve any of it. It's like I'm finally not depressed but my mind has been in some sort of depression for so long that it wants to find a reason to be depressed because that's what it's most comfortable with now. Another part of it is probably that a lot of what's been going right in my life is simply due to sheer luck, so none of it actually had to happen and it's more of a case of being in the right place at the right time than anything I actually did to deserve it.
I think it started in early August when I took a(nother) trip to New York which is by far the best city in the world. The trip just happened to coincide with Hamilton's 10-year anniversary, and I was able to see most of the original cast (including Lin) come back and do a block party, which I was right in the center of for almost 2 hours. The whole thing was amazing and I guess it kind of showed me that good things can still happen and maybe my luck hadn't run out entirely.
Then I came home and immediately wrote what I think is one of the best songs yet for my musical, which replaced a song I really didn't like and that had been worrying me for a while. A couple successes in a row and I already felt like I was pulling myself out of whatever funk I'd been in for most of the summer, and things only got better from there.
It was towards the end of the summer that I learned I was being promoted from an ensemble member and an understudy in the Rocky Horror Show to being the full-time Brad, due to the original actor leaving, and having that happen to me was an odd experience. I'd spent all summer coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be playing Brad in the fall, and I was taking dance lessons, trying to learn my lines for the other parts, so to all of a sudden have what I wanted all along just handed to me was a weird feeling. It wasn't the sudden wave of relief and excitement you get when you look at the cast list and see the part you wanted with your name next to it, or get a call from someone telling you you booked a role. It was a weird "well, I guess this is happening now" feeling. I was definitely happy but part of it didn't really feel real.
I guess maybe that's where this whole feeling really began. A lot of what began happening to me felt too good to be true, and I still can't quite come to terms with the fact that it is true. I keep asking myself what the catch is. When is everything going to turn to shit and when am I going to realize that this was all actually a dream? I so badly wish I could just live in the moment and enjoy it, but I feel like that's when I start letting my guard down and when something bad will inevitably happen. Hence the comic. I even had a dream in which a family member died and I had to go home for the funeral during the weekend Rocky Horror would be, which just goes to show where my mind has been lately. I'm so used to there being good followed by bad that my mind doesn't want to move on from that because that's what it knows too well.
I think I'm getting there slowly but surely. I've definitely settled into playing Brad a little bit more and I'm having a ton of fun with it. The impostor syndrome that came from originally being the understudy is slowly going away, but I still feel it occasionally. It's really helped to talk to my other friends involved in the show and find out that a lot of them are experiencing the exact same thing. And I'm finally finding peace in the fact that maybe I can just be happy with no caveats or stipulations. It's hard to believe that but I'm trying my best.
One more thing: I don't want any of this to be misconstrued to sounding ungrateful for anything happening in my life right now. I would much rather have a hard time coming to terms with my happiness than just stay in depression. The point of this post is that any dramatic change in mindset takes time, and this is one of my first times experiencing that for the better, so it's a bit of a ride for me. But I'm very grateful for everything good that's been happening and all the people who make me happy.
