Yes. There is a difference.

Mental health encompasses psychological, social, and emotional health - your thoughts, your actions. Symptoms of a mental health problem may include changes to your mood, sleeping patterns, appetite, and chemical dependencies - like alcohol or drugs. It can also be earmarked by a lack of energy.

Emotional health, while a part of mental health is an acknowledgement of your emotions, and how we manage and express those emotions in an appropriate manner. Symptoms of an emotional health problem may include outbursts, over- or under-reacting to various stimuli, and the inability to handle small tasks. 

Mental health is where we process information.

Emotional health is how we express the emotions that arise in answer to that process.

The functioning of the brain versus the functioning of the emotions.

You CAN have a hard time with one and the other is fine. You can process information just fine and still have a poor emotional response. You can have the lack of energy that mental stress hands out, but still find the strength emotionally focus on all your tasks for the day. Feelings of sadness or anxiety can be perfectly healthy emotions that cause us to act & react, and protect us from being unprepared.

They are not inclusive. They are not exclusive. They work best together when they are in balance.

While there are medical treatments if one or both are out of balance, I won’t be discussing that here. However, I will say this: If you feel you do have a problem, do not be afraid or ashamed of going to your medical professional for help. Those feelings are likely being caused by those imbalances! You owe it to yourself, no one else, to be your best emotionally & mentally. Please get the help you need.

So, where’s the self-care? What’s this got to do with polyamory?

The Roles of Mental & Emotional Health in Polyamory

I’ll use myself as an example.

I am inherently a believer what is called emotional fidelity. (But you had a girlfriend! A triad! Yes, some shit sneaks up on you. I gladly made that work. I have the ability to maybe date/love again. I currently choose not to. Let’s move on.)

I am inherently emotionally monogamous. What this means is that I can agree with “love one person” and also have ethically non-monogamous sexual relationships with other partners. I also have zero problems with my husband doing the same. I do not feel that polyamory is wrong. I do not feel that emotional monogamy is the one correct way to love. It’s just my personal default setting. That isn’t what this post is about, but I hope it explains some of my emotional thought processes I’ll talk about. It also may help polyamorous partners of monogamous people (mono/poly relationships) understand that thought process a little. 

The role of mental health in polyamory is about understanding the FACT of polyamory. 

I understand polyamory. I used to say I could write a textbook, but now I’ll just say, I CAN WRITE A BLOG ABOUT IT! In those encompassing mental things mentioned above: I can psychologically understand polyamory. I can see the social aspects of polyamory and how it logistically works and, yes, even benefits society. The FACT is that my husband, partner of 18 years, is polyamorous.

The role of emotional health in polyamory is about PROCESSING all of those facts in an appropriate and healthy way.

It still hurts me a little when he feels deeply for someone else. It also feels amazing, and I love seeing his happiness.  It still stings when I can’t depend on him being there every time I turn around. But it feels freeing when he’s not up my behind! LOL!  It is still difficult for me to separate my emotions from “You’re my one” and “I’m his one of”. 

Mentally, I get it. I am not less than one. They are not less than ones. We are all one of a whole. 

Emotionally, there is a... ugh I don’t know. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain. You know that feeling when you’re watching the sad puppy commercial? It’s not your puppy. No one’s gonna take your puppy. But it makes you want to cry anyway? That’s what I feel when I HEAR new news about his polyamorous life. I usually have a startled reaction that shows in my body language that I just. can’t. prevent. Then he’ll hold me to remind me that it’s ok to feel my way, and it’s ok to feel his way. Then I start to relax.

Put me in a situation with them and I get to SEE his polyamorous life, and I feel that exact way for about 30-60 seconds. Sometimes he notices and pulls me in for a quick kiss or rubs my hand… just a reconnect. Then I carry on with whatever is going on. I might occasionally feel like a 5th wheel on a wagon for short bursts, but that usually happens when I have to interrupt their conversation for any reason or occasionally if they’re talking about something cool they did that I didn’t get to do…then I continue with whatever is going on and I’m fine.

I’ve unfortunately never had to face a first date. (Yeah, things have been different with us.) But, I have had to face giving him time to have a private conversation or alone time with a partner (phone, text, messenger, sex, etc). With each new partner, especially when it’s new and he’s having NRE, I have that puppy commercial feeling again. I may or may not cry. He’s having his conversation, and I don’t get to lean on him to make it easier. But I know he’ll be back. Sometimes I’m 100% before he gets back. Sometimes I’m only 50% or 90%. By the way, 90% is the worst. He’ll come back, see the puppy commercial on me, hug me, and bam... waterworks… jerk. Sometimes it sucks when they can read you like a book LOL!

I can only imagine I’ll feel the same way on a first date. The difference in a date is that I will not see or hear what is going on. I will not have that touch or reassurance during or immediately afterwards, and maybe not even that night or that day or that week. I will be responsible for that reassurance and caring for my own emotional responses. 

That is self-care.

How to Self-Care & Why It Helps

Self-care is any activity that we deliberately do to care for our emotional, mental, and/or physical well-being. It is also something we frequently overlook. With good self-care, we can improve our mood, decrease anxiety, and feel better overall.

Here is a grossly exaggerated example:

Looking in the mirror, with a disgusted look on my face, I say to myself (and I knew it was me because I was wearing my underwear and… Nevermind. lol), “My hair is a mess. Ugh so greasy. I stink. WHAT is that on my shirt? No wonder they’re dating other people. Why would they want to be home with this?”

Here we see mental health problems: self-contempt, depression; emotional health problems: assumption that their partner doesn’t “want” them; and physical health problems: lack of general hygiene. We can maybe assume that they’re down in the dumps about their partner’s new polyamorous relationship. Maybe their other boyfriend just broke up with them, and their nesting partner had a busy date week planned. Maybe their partner hasn’t gone on a date in weeks, but they’re on a business trip and not home. Maybe they’ve got a newborn, that’s spit up on that shirt, and no one has slept more than 3 hours in the last 3 days. Who knows!?! So many things can cause this self-deprecation. And something that can make us feel better is self-care.

Let’s assume this is you or me. We had this realization while we brushed out teeth. Then we realized that it was time to do something about it. Here are TEN EASY BABY STEPS we can do TONIGHT:

Get a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Maybe a rum & coke!

Head to the bathroom with your fluffy robe and favorite pjs in hand. 

Put on your favorite music.

Brush your hair. 

Start the shower and get in.

Scrub your body once and your hair twice. (Don’t even worry about shaving. There’s time later for that!)

Dry off vigorously with your favorite towel, then wrap it all puffy-like on your hair.

Jump in those pjs & put on your robe.

Head back to your bedroom or your favorite spot on the couch- BUT…

Stop in the kitchen to refill your drink and grab a snack first. Mmm snacks!

Now, sit down with your drink, your snack, and the remote and put on that show you’ve been meaning to catch up on for a while. Or stop by your room, grab the top book on your “to read” pile (don’t look, just grab it - this is about ZERO procrastination), put some music on before you sit down with your drink & snack, and just read.

Doesn’t that sound so easy? Isn’t this something we should/could be doing EVERY DAY? Yes, it is. But when we get into those “funks” it’s hard to give even these simple tasks a priority. Sometimes you have that conversation with yourself and instead of taking that shower and cleaning up you grab a spoon and a bucket of ice cream. And you know what? THAT is self-care too. Take one more day to wallow and snack then shower tomorrow. BUT TAKE THAT SHOWER! 

Then tomorrow, after your partner has come home and has processed his night, tell them that you need to practice more self-care. TELL THEM. It holds you accountable to yourself. Ask them to take the kids to the park after dinner so you can take another shower alone. Shave your legs this time! It won’t seem like such a chore when you feel a little bit better about yourself. And if this strategy doesn’t work the first time, keep doing it. Keep making yourself get off your ass and take care of yourself. Set an alarm if you have to and take a 5 minute shower. Wash your face. Brush your hair. It will eventually be a part of something you like to do.

Up the ante and next time he’s at the park, go get your nails done. Get a pedicure. Buy a fancy brush, a fluffier or silkier robe, or go walk around the bookstore and get one more book to add to the “to read” pile. Take yourself out for a coffee. Get a subscription to Cosmo. Think about the little things you like that make you happy in small ways. Those small things add up to big self-care.

If you are not into mani/pedis, or it’s no shave November, go watch a movie with your hairy ass face or legs. Go to the coffee house with your book. GO TO THE PUB WITH YOUR BOOK! Eat a pound of fish & chips. 

And their next date night: you might be pushing them out the door and locking it behind them so you can go take a bubble bath with Vanilla Ice blasting and a funky green face mask on. (PS. Yeah, dudes… We know you do it too.)

Yours,

Resources utilized in this post:

·         https://jeanhailes.org.au/health-a-z/mental-emotional-health/

·         https://www.pyramidhealthcarepa.com/pyramid-healthcare-assessment-center/pfbh-assessment-center-blog/what-is-the-difference-between-mental-health-emotional-health/

·         https://www.hopetocope.com/blog/mental-health-vs-emotional-health-is-there-a-difference/

Being inherently emotionally mono leaning until my first poly relationship fell in my lap unexpectedly, there have been many disagreements because I just. didn't. get. it. “What do you mean XYZ? How is ABC even possible? I'm supposed to just QRS what?” 

You see, his first “official” poly girlfriend was toxic. Not just to him. Not just to me. But to us. She wasn’t out for more love, she was out for HIS love.. All of it, without me. He and I were new to poly. I was reeling. I was told by our poly friends and by books & websites they suggested: “You have to let him be poly. You have no say in the matter. You can’t tell him no about any of it.” So she would ask him for something and HE would say no, or say not yet, and she would come to me and ask me, knowing that I was under the impression that I couldn't say no, ever. 

I didn’t know about boundaries. I didn’t know how to properly distinguish or request the necessity between her time (always) and my time (when I lost my shit). And to be fair he didn’t either and he was so caught up in NRE (which was and still is beautiful on him) that he didn’t even realize that she was coming to me to ask for things he said to wait on. He just heard me say, “Hey, why don’t you go ahead and….” and thought it was just me being more giving, just to see him happy. 

After even more pushing from her, specifically trying to push the one and only boundary I had even though I didn’t know they existed, I came to a point where I felt I had to leave. I couldn’t be a part of it anymore. And I did it in a horrible way. I gave him an ultimatum of me and our family, or her, Boo! Hiss! I KNOW!!! It’s horrible looking back. But he took it and we communicated (loudly and badly) until we realized most of the things that had happened, happened specifically because she refused to take it slow, accept no, or just wait for any amount of time when either of us asked for it. It hurt him that his relationship was over. It hurt me that he was hurt. But we both realized that if it continued, we were letting her do what she seem to have planned, and that was tear us apart.

I was burned bad by poly. No, i was burned bad by that specific poly experience, and I didn’t have the foggiest idea what to do about it. It took me to a very dark place inside a depression and anxiety problem I already had. So we came to the conclusion: no poly. It was too much for me to handle. He loved me and did not want to ever see me in that much pain again. No matter how much pain it caused him. He was gonna keep it locked up and if he ever felt that way about anyone again (“crushing”) we’d gently ease away from that person.

But I knew that it was a part of him. He knew it was a part of him. But for over 5 years we were at this standstill. We still loved each other, but we didn’t LOVE each other. We cared about each other, but we weren’t caring TO each other. We were going through the motions. Him waiting on me to give in and resenting me for making him choose. And me waiting for the other shoe to drop, a new crush to arrive, and that pain to start all over again. No one knew. No one saw. We apparently internalize amazingly.

During that time, I read. I read. I read and read and read. And I read some more.

About 3 years after the break up, he, without malice or knowledge, developed a new crush on a swinger friend. One day, I asked him if he had a crush. And he said no because to him he didn’t. He wasn’t allowed to. He couldn’t. So he didn’t. I took him at his word. Determined to trust him, nothing changed. We’re swingers. He had favorite play partners (don’t we all?) and that was it. 

Until one evening about 2 years later while hanging out, it hit him like a ton of bricks - he DID like her - a lot. But he squished it down and went about business as usual… for about 5 hours until I saw the look on his face while he was staring at her. (He’s one of those guys, at least to me. I can read his face like a book.) We were out with friends. I asked quietly. He denied. During the ride home, I brought it up again. He begrudgingly told me all about it. He told me how hard he had tried, so hard that he didn’t even realize he cared for her, and that he just couldn’t try any longer.

Discussions, disagreements, and arguments happened for days, weeks... but I knew that there was no turning back. I couldn’t stop him from being him. I read more, and more, and more. I told him it was up to him. He just wanted, maybe needed, to hear me say that I was okay with him pursuing a relationship with this woman he really cared for. I couldn’t say it. I still didn’t want it. I just wanted him to do what he needed to do. I finally came to him with. “This is your decision. Emotionally, mentally, I can't give you my "blessing" to love someone else - my brain won't work that way, but I can give you my blessing to be you... whatever it takes to make you happy. I'll deal with me.”

Even that was hard for him, and he continued to wait for me to say it was ok. It was hard for me for me as well, it took all my emotional strength to say as much as I did to him, but once I gave my heart that power over the brain that didn't get it, things got easier for me. That made it easier for him. 

His crush went through some personal things. We, as long-time friends were asked to help her. He decided to not pursue anything until she was ready. And I got to know her more. And I fell for her too...and she for both of us. Organically. Quickly, but without rush. Without asking. Without.. Anything.. Talk about one very open, very loving, very giving man being overfilled with love and a passion for everything he hoped life could be. <3

But even while we were in our triad, I had disagreements with myself. My emotionally monogamous brain going.. “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?!?!” was something I had to deal with internally so frequently. It was like I accepted he could love her and me. And she could love him and me and them, but I my brain still said I couldn't love him AND her. 

Yet when that relationship ended nearly a year later, over a year ago it hurt. It still hurts. That relationship I never wanted.. that relationship that just fell into my life, and turned everything I thought I knew about love upside down… that relationship that was everything I never knew I wanted... that still makes me think about, “IS okay for ME to be polyamorous?” No matter how hard I loved, I worried.

I'm here to tell you that having an internal disagreement with your monogamous brain of now 40+ years is harder than your monogamous spouse of then 10 years coming to you to say they're poly. Them coming to you may FEEL like the hard part - the hardest thing that will ever happen to you, but the hard part is redirecting your brain away from ingrained societal standards of “one love”. We’re not hobbits, love isn’t a ring, and we can have all we want, and so can our lovers!! We just have to convince ourselves… THAT is the hard part.

So I’ve kept reading. I still read. I read everything I can find about polyamory. The good, the bad, the ugly, the enlightened… and now I write also. 

But even now, when I get asked "Oh, you're poly?" my brain goes “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?” faster than my mouth says, "Yes, but not actively."

Yours,

PS. Oh yeah, and I really WAS @mono2hispoly, on tumblr, a loooong time ago. Don’t hold anything I said there against me. I haven’t been back in years. <3

I’m trying to compile a list of terms related to polyamory for anyone interested. These are scoured from the internet and simplified/explained the best I can. I’ve tried to leave out terms that you don’t commonly come across, yet also keep it pertinent to the community. If you think anything should be added or changed, please let me know. 

Yours, 

  Bigamy:being married (in a legal sense) while already married to another person (usually illegal) Boundaries:a limit placed upon one’s self (ex. “I choose to use condoms with all my partners that have barrier free sex with other partners.” Generally happier medium in the community, but still must be made known to all partners so they can make their own decisions. (see “rules” also.) Closed Relationship:any configuration in which partners are not allowed to seek other partners outside the configuration Compersion:the opposite of jealousy; an empathetic response to a partner’s happiness with their other partner(s) Cowboy/Cowgirl:a man or woman who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT):a relationship structure in which a person can have additional relationships on the condition that their partner doesn’t know anything about the additional relationships or have to communicate with any of the other partners. (Can work, often seen as unhealthy due to decreased communication) Egalitarian Triad:a non-hierarchical triad in which all partners are equal and each partner, including the “unicorn”, has autonomy in the relationship, free to have separate polyamorous relationships, and choose their own boundaries Emotional fidelity:a belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside of that relationship Fluid bonding:of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse Handfasting:a rural folkloric and neopagan ceremony that unites two people in a common bond; dissimilar marriage as it does not enlist sexual exclusivity or permanence; also is not recognized as a "legal" marriage and thus is not "illegal" or considered bigamy Hierarchical relationship:a polycule configuration in which there is a primary partnership which takes priority over one or more secondary arrangements (can work if all parties agree, but can be frowned upon in the community) Primary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership with the most involvement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance Secondary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) in which either by intent or circumstance, are given less in terms of time, energy, commitment and priority than a primary relationship Tertiary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) that are generally quite casual, and/or limited with respect to time, energy, or priority Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP):refers to poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Metamours want to feel comfortable talking or spending time together, and possibly include children in special events such as birthdays, etc. (Ex. George calls Jane to plan a surprise birthday dinner for Anne and they all go together.) Metamour:your partner’s partner that you are not otherwise involved with romantically. Monogamish:a term used to describe a relationship which is a closed couple most of the time, but has exceptions Monogamy:the practice or state of having a non-platonic relationship with only one partner Nesting Partner(s):the partnership(s) that live together, could include 2 or more, and may share financial responsibility of the home New Relationship Energy (NRE):the feeling of euphoria associated with the beginning of a relationship Non-platonic:a relationship that has a romantic and/or sexual nature Non-monogamy:a catch-all term which covers several types of relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds with informed consent from all involved One Penis Policy (OPP):a poly arrangement in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, who are allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have other male partners (usually seen as negative in the community, unless it is the ersonal choice of the women involved) Open relationship:any configuration in which partners are allowed to seek other partners for sex and/or romance Old Relationship Energy (ORE):the feeling of comfort, security, and stability associated with a long-standing romantic relationship Parallel Polyamory:refers to poly relationships where the relationships run in parallel and don’t interact. This could be by choice or forced, such as by distance. Similar to DADT but different in that partners may discuss other partners, with consent from all. (Ex. “I had a date with Jane. She says to say hello. We had dinner and drinks with some deep heart to heart talking. It was amazing.” In DADT, this conversation wouldn’t happen.) Paramour:another partner’s lover (similar to metamour, easy to use descriptively, (“Jane has a new paramour who is anxious to finally meet us.”) Poly/mono (or mono/poly):a relationship between a person who identifies as polyamorous and a person who identifies as monogamous Polyamory:the philosophy or state of being non-platonically involved with more than one person at the same time with informed consent from all involved Polycule/intimate network:a network of people who are involved in non-platonic relationships and their metamours. Dyad: 2 people in a relationship with each other -- Anne and George OR George and Jane. Triad: 3 people in a relationship with each other -- George, Anne, AND Jane are in a relationship together. Quad: 4 people in a relationship with each other. -- Anne, George, Jane, AND John are in a relationship together. Vee/V/Hinge: 3 people in a relationship where one person is dating 2 other people, but those 2 are not dating each other -- Anne and George are married. Anne is dating Jane. Jane and George have no romantic or sexual relations. Anne is a hinge. George and Jane are metamours. Think about this one literally, a hinge, folded to look like a V. One is the hinge, the other 2 are the sides. There are INFINITE polycule possibilities!!!! These are just the most common. Polyfidelity:three or more people in a closed relationship Polygamy:the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time Polysaturated:polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships because of the number of existing partners, or time constraints that might make new relationships difficult Relationship anarchy (RA):a philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, any relationship choice is allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner” Relationship orientation:a person’s identity as related to their preference for monogamy or polyamory Rules:a restriction placed on a partner (generally frowned upon by the community but can work if it is a preference for all partners, and only if all partners know and agree, ex. “You cannot have unprotected sex with your other partners.” Please see “boundaries’ as well.) Solo poly:an approach to polyamory that emphasizes autonomy and the freedom to form relationships without seeking permission from other partners Swinging:a configuration in which partners have a relationship that is open for platonic sexual encounters Unicorn/Dragon:a bisexual, polyamorous woman/man who is open to forming a triad with an established couple; referred to as these mythical creatures because these type of partners are extremely rare. (Though some women/men openly use the term unicorn/dragon for themselves, it is frowned upon for couples to do so. ‘Hunting" for a relationship with one is usually looked down upon. Please see “Egalitarian Triad”.)

I’m trying to compile a list of terms related to polyamory for anyone interested. These are scoured from the internet and simplified/explained the best I can. I’ve tried to leave out terms that you don’t commonly come across, yet also keep it pertinent to the community. If you think anything should be added or changed, please let me know. Yours, 

Bigamy:being married (in a legal sense) while already married to another person (usually illegal) Boundaries:a limit placed upon one’s self (ex. “I choose to use condoms with all my partners that have barrier free sex with other partners.” Generally happier medium in the community, but still must be made known to all partners so they can make their own decisions. (see “rules” also.) Closed Relationship:any configuration in which partners are not allowed to seek other partners outside the configuration Compersion:the opposite of jealousy; an empathetic response to a partner’s happiness with their other partner(s) Cowboy/Cowgirl:a man or woman who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT):a relationship structure in which a person can have additional relationships on the condition that their partner doesn’t know anything about the additional relationships or have to communicate with any of the other partners. (Can work, often seen as unhealthy due to decreased communication) Egalitarian Triad:a non-hierarchical triad in which all partners are equal and each partner, including the “unicorn”, has autonomy in the relationship, free to have separate polyamorous relationships, and choose their own boundaries Emotional fidelity:a belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside of that relationship Fluid bonding:of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse Handfasting:a rural folkloric and neopagan ceremony that unites two people in a common bond; dissimilar marriage as it does not enlist sexual exclusivity or permanence; also is not recognized as a "legal" marriage and thus is not "illegal" or considered bigamy Hierarchical relationship:a polycule configuration in which there is a primary partnership which takes priority over one or more secondary arrangements (can work if all parties agree, but can be frowned upon in the community) Primary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership with the most involvement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance Secondary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) in which either by intent or circumstance, are given less in terms of time, energy, commitment and priority than a primary relationship Tertiary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) that are generally quite casual, and/or limited with respect to time, energy, or priority Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP):refers to poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Metamours want to feel comfortable talking or spending time together, and possibly include children in special events such as birthdays, etc. (Ex. George calls Jane to plan a surprise birthday dinner for Anne and they all go together.) Metamour:your partner’s partner that you are not otherwise involved with romantically. Monogamish:a term used to describe a relationship which is a closed couple most of the time, but has exceptions Monogamy:the practice or state of having a non-platonic relationship with only one partner Nesting Partner(s):the partnership(s) that live together, could include 2 or more, and may share financial responsibility of the home New Relationship Energy (NRE):the feeling of euphoria associated with the beginning of a relationship Non-platonic:a relationship that has a romantic and/or sexual nature Non-monogamy:a catch-all term which covers several types of relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds with informed consent from all involved One Penis Policy (OPP):a poly arrangement in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, who are allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have other male partners (usually seen as negative in the community, unless it is the ersonal choice of the women involved) Open relationship:any configuration in which partners are allowed to seek other partners for sex and/or romance Old Relationship Energy (ORE):the feeling of comfort, security, and stability associated with a long-standing romantic relationship Parallel Polyamory:refers to poly relationships where the relationships run in parallel and don’t interact. This could be by choice or forced, such as by distance. Similar to DADT but different in that partners may discuss other partners, with consent from all. (Ex. “I had a date with Jane. She says to say hello. We had dinner and drinks with some deep heart to heart talking. It was amazing.” In DADT, this conversation wouldn’t happen.) Paramour:another partner’s lover (similar to metamour, easy to use descriptively, (“Jane has a new paramour who is anxious to finally meet us.”) Poly/mono (or mono/poly):a relationship between a person who identifies as polyamorous and a person who identifies as monogamous Polyamory:the philosophy or state of being non-platonically involved with more than one person at the same time with informed consent from all involved Polycule/intimate network:a network of people who are involved in non-platonic relationships and their metamours. Dyad: 2 people in a relationship with each other -- Anne and George OR George and Jane. Triad: 3 people in a relationship with each other -- George, Anne, AND Jane are in a relationship together. Quad: 4 people in a relationship with each other. -- Anne, George, Jane, AND John are in a relationship together. Vee/V/Hinge: 3 people in a relationship where one person is dating 2 other people, but those 2 are not dating each other -- Anne and George are married. Anne is dating Jane. Jane and George have no romantic or sexual relations. Anne is a hinge. George and Jane are metamours. Think about this one literally, a hinge, folded to look like a V. One is the hinge, the other 2 are the sides. There are INFINITE polycule possibilities!!!! These are just the most common. 

Polyfidelity:three or more people in a closed relationship Polygamy:the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time Polysaturated:polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships because of the number of existing partners, or time constraints that might make new relationships difficult Relationship anarchy (RA):a philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, any relationship choice is allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner” Relationship orientation:a person’s identity as related to their preference for monogamy or polyamory Rules:a restriction placed on a partner (generally frowned upon by the community but can work if it is a preference for all partners, and only if all partners know and agree, ex. “You cannot have unprotected sex with your other partners.” Please see “boundaries’ as well.) Solo poly:an approach to polyamory that emphasizes autonomy and the freedom to form relationships without seeking permission from other partners Swinging:a configuration in which partners have a relationship that is open for platonic sexual encounters Unicorn/Dragon:a bisexual, polyamorous woman/man who is open to forming a triad with an established couple; referred to as these mythical creatures because these type of partners are extremely rare. (Though some women/men openly use the term unicorn/dragon for themselves, it is frowned upon for couples to do so. ‘Hunting" for a relationship with one is usually looked down upon. Please see “Egalitarian Triad”.)

First, let’s ask Webster? 

Polyamory (noun) poly·​am·​ory | \ ˌpä-lē-ˈa-mə-rē \ plural: polyamories

Definition of polyamory : the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

Sounds fairly simple, right? Poly (more than one) Amory (love, “romantic”). is more than one open romantic relationship at a time… Open (everyone knows), at a time (the same time.)

Polyamory is having multiple romantic relationships at the same time that every partner knows about and has consented to.

Is it easy? Yes, for many.

Is it hard? Also, yes, for many.

Is it cheating? Absolutely not, see the part where every partner knows and has given consent.

Is it a hook-up? No. Hook-ups are more about “no strings attached” encounters whereas polyamory is about forming lasting romantic bonds.

Can polyamorous people have hook-ups?  Absolutely. Open poly relationships happen and we definitely don’t have to fall in love with everyone we’re attracted to. Partners would still know and consent to hook-ups.

Is it swinging? No. Though you can form close bonds with swing partners, swinging is more about the sexual connection whereas polyamory is about the romantic connection.

Can polyamorous people/couples swing?  Absolutely. Swinging is casual, sexual activity that partners can engage in together or alone. It usually involves a social network of both friends and strangers. Partners would still know and consent to swinging.

Let’s recap:

WHAT POLYAMORY IS:

Polyamory — the practice of, or desire for, romantic relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved.

WHAT POLYAMORY IS NOT (but can include):

Swinging — sexual activity in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in consensual activities with others as a recreational or social activity.

*Hookups — consensual casual sex encounters, including one-night stands and other related activity, without including emotional bonding or long-term commitment.

The key word in all descriptions above is CONSENSUAL. Ethical non-monogamy, be it polyamory or swinging, is consensual to all parties involved. There are many ways of handling your specific dating situation, and each partner may wish to handle it different. They may not wish to know about your other partners, but that still doesn’t make it cheating as long as you are truthful and it is consensual.

Polyamory can be easy, hard work, rewarding, stressful, freeing, demanding, loving. It can be a couple who is dating together or separately, it can be one partner dating and another who is monogamous, it can be one person dating many people. We’ll touch on all these topics and more in the weeks to come. Stay along for the ride.

Yours,