#polyamoroaming

Dash and I have separated, probably far too late in all honesty, but we have done it. He moved out about six weeks ago and we spent the intervening time in complete radio silence, as agreed. We met up again this week on our anniversary and that was all kinds of emotional and difficult. We spent ten hours together, laughed a lot and somehow I still came away miserable.

I feel sad because I love him and want to kiss him, and cannot even go within 2 metres of him due to COVID. I feel grateful to have that excuse. I feel relieved to not have to be the one dealing with his dishonesty and immaturity anymore. I feel confused and hurt and trapped and free and just downright weird.

Here is the first photo of me ever on this blog: look! It's my face! Wearing my own wares! Though this one isn't mine anymore, it's been got.

I have recently been throwing myself wholeheartedly into taking my businesses online. I made handfuls of beautiful fairytale hoods to sell on my etsy (Sprite Threads: https://etsy.me/36HQOtM ), I have opened a stall at a local flea market with my sister, and I have been recording and uploading weeknightly Bedtime Stories to the Lucid Tales YouTube channel to ease everyone's COVID lockdown blues and SAD. If you're struggling to sleep, check it out - I've got stories from all over, with more to come.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf3zhIdOR-CVtx1vqFKsEcA

I even wrote some of them myself, as a part of my next exciting news: I released a book of short stories!

The collection comprises 10 short stories ranging from fantasy to horror to drug exploration to comedy. I even wrote a reasonable blurb:

If you like the cover art check out Rosie Josie Baker/Rosie Josie Bee on Instagram/Facebook!

And if you want a copy of the ebook message me on here and I'll send you one 😊 it's £2.99 normally but as I've been so unreliable on this daily blogging thing I figure y'all deserve SOMETHING to read. If you want a paperback I can post them but those unfortunately do require monetary exchange. They're available on the Lucid Tales Gumroad at https://gumroad.com/lucidtales :)

Anyway I didn't make this post to sell stuff to y'all, I'm just excited and want to share what I've been up to. And I wanted to share a selfie anyway (even if I don't quite look like that anymore now I've shaved my head).

In other news I have become obsessed with silk as a fabric and have been lurking endlessly on ebay auctions for cheap secondhand nightwear, but that's less shareable 😂. I have also just started on a counselling course to start my training as a future polyamory and lgtbq+ focused sex and relationships therapist (hopefully)! And I'm going for autism diagnosis! In two years! That's how long the waiting list is from referral to diagnosis! Go UK! All autism support funding ceases in 2023! What little there already is! Go UK!

It's been a busy time, and a lonely one, as I'm sure it has been for many of you.

What have you done recently that you're happy about?

I'm coming to a time, however, where I've realised that I've more or less cut out of my life people who I would not trust to read my inner thoughts and workings, and am working on generally becoming more open with loved ones about my vulnerabilities and fuckups.

I realise that for a time this blog descended into a bit of a venting space, which isn't what I'd intended for it either. I'm unlikely to resume daily posting at the present time, but I would like to again one day in the future.

And when I do, I want it to be OK for someone I know to stumble across it and realise it's me. I want to feel comfortable sharing a post I've written for this blog with a friend. I've always asked permission from people to write about them on here, so that won't change. But hopefully other things will.

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of life, what I can offer the world and those around me, and what I need to grow and change. I think we all have.

The world right now is in flux. It is a scary time and scary place. We have violent men in power; rising bigotry and hatred; a global pandemic with hundreds of thousands dead; rampant transphobia and rampant racism; police brutality against those who dare to rise up for peace, for strength and for love. We live in a dystopian novel.

But the thing is that we always have, in many ways. Native Americans are still living through the apocalypse that decimated their ancestors and stole their land; African Americans are still living through the apocalypse that pillaged them from their homes and forced them into slavery thousands of leagues away. The legacy of horror continues. This is not new. But what we are seeing right now is a pinch point, an historical time where things could swing toward the better, the brighter future.

During lockdown I have been keeping away from people almost totally, as my grandmother whom I shop for and visit is 97 next week and I want her to see 100. I went to one BLM rally, the biggest protest I've ever seen in my predominantly white little conservative town. Bigger even than our ridiculously large Pride (we have a truly exemplary number of radical LGBTQ+ people for such a Tory stronghold). But I have not stepped out past that, as it was simply impossible to socially distance, and I am protecting someone.

I have been working hard on the campervan conversion, building the bathroom and starting the kitchen cabinets. I'm considering linking this blog with my real life at last, so may eventually post photos of it when it's finished. I've complained about it to you friends enough!

I started a new kids' novel about a trans girl who finds out she is a witch and navigates the difficulties of coming out to her parents and living as openly trans at school, and learns magic at the same time.

I've cut the pieces out for so many new items of clothing to sell, and am hopefully going to sew them all soon.

It sounds very productive but it doesn't feel it. Every step is three steps backward before I can move on, every day feels like a punch. I've been creating out of desperation, trying to justify my use of oxygen and food and space by making things.

A few weeks ago on the Solstice that came to a head. Dash and I were going to go out in the campervan and trip for the first time since last summer. But I couldn't fix the leaking skylight (again), I took hours longer trying to make it work than I should have done, and finally when the time came to leave, we picked up my mattress to put in the camper and it had been utterly ravaged by mould.

This might sound like only a minor setback, but to me it was breaking point. That mattress has changed my life. I woke up in the mornings without pain, able to get up and go whether I did my morning yoga or not. I slept soundly, heavily. I dreamed strange dreams and I felt rested. I didn't hurt. It was a £1800 mattress I found secondhand for £250. And I ruined it. It felt like the perfect coming together of all of my failures as an activist, as a child, as a partner, as a creator, a builder, an adult, a grandchild, a sibling, performer, writer, as a human being. Through my own negligence I destroyed something very expensive to replace that had supported me, cradled me, held me and become my haven and sanctuary.

So I had a pretty solid breakdown. I slid back into old habits, the clawing of skin and banging of heads. I had a headache for days. It felt so ridiculous. Such a small, insignificant thing to go wrong when compared with the huge issues facing vast swathes of humanity. But as we all know, often the thing that sets off the breakdown is not the biggest issue. It's just the last little drip that makes the bucket start overflowing.

Since then I have had several smaller incidents in a similar vein, and every time I mock myself for them.

But I am lucky. My mother and my partner, and most of my family really, are all very supportive of my, and one another's, difficulties. When I fuck up and spiral into a self-destructive vortex, my loved ones give me space to recover, help me to fix the problems, and unquestioningly forgive my mistakes. It's astounding to me, the amount of patience they can have with me, when in my own eyes I am a ceaseless burden and chronic fuck up. They hold my hand and tell me I am wanted, I am loved and it is a pleasure and joy to be with me. They help me to repair or replace or heal or learn. They love me.

And in this I come to see how similar we are. Because I do the same for them. When Dash makes a mistake and becomes convinced he's always just an accident waiting to happen, I reassure him, help him to fix the problem, and give him space to stew. When my mum panics two or three times a day over technical issues, I swoop in to save the day. When Nanny Ogg puts herself down because she believes the voice of her abuser, I swamp her with verbal affirmation and love.

We all take care of each other. We are all parts of the web. Or really it's more like a net, with no one person at the centre. Everyone looks after everyone.

I want to expand this network. Recently I have been trying something new in my relationships. Whenever I think positively about someone, I send them a message, even if it's only 'hey, how are you? Thinking of you'. This is a hard practice to get into, because it requires fighting executive dysfunction and social anxiety and depression to reach out even when I don't feel like it.

But I have frequently not done this, and people have died suddenly, and I have felt so guilty for not having sent those messages. Many, many loved ones right now are suddenly seriously ill or abruptly gone. And I can't afford to not send every loving message that pops into my head because the grief and guilt are just too much the way it stands.

When faced with that stick, it's much easier to pursue the carrot.

I have felt very alone and very grief-stricken for a long time, and so have many of us. COVID is just the latest upheaval and tragedy in many people's lives. We're almost numb to fear and grief, but not quite. We're just full up. But we are not alone, and it's up to us to remind other people that they aren't either. As we show love, so we shall be shown love.

So right now I am throwing nets wide, throwing love out into the world and reminding the people I like that I care about them. Because I want to forge new relationships, rebuild old ones, and create unity and community with the people around me. What does it matter what form those relationships take, as long as they exist and are nutritious to our hearts and souls?

M visited me recently. We were both nervous about seeing each other, particularly as he'd be sleeping at mine, but excited to reconnect after a couple of months apart.

When he showed up it felt so familiar - the late night arrival after band practice, the sharing of food and sitting on my bed to talk for a while. Familiar, but different.

Because there was no casual kissing, no 'I love you' because those words are true but a little raw and confusing right now. But we were very affectionate with each other, holding hands and hugging lots.

We talked about his university, I mentioned briefly that I was struggling with Dash, I showed him some campervan progress.

I wasn't sure I was going to, but I eventually invited him to share my bed if he wanted to, even though the spare was made up. We talked about our boundaries and comfort levels, said how easy it would be to just slip straight back into how we'd been before, but that we didn't want to.

We've agreed that at least for a few months, we will not show each other any affection beyond what we would with a particularly snuggly friend - hand holding, snuggling, forehead kisses and spooning are fine, but no mouth kisses, neck kisses, no sexual play. If it feels right in the future, then we'll talk more about it, but for now we want to give ourselves time and space, without cutting off all affection. We are, after all, quite snuggly people.

We don't want to slide back into our old relationship, we are trying to create something new. Something somewhere between friends, exes and lovers, wherever we wind up fitting on that map, where we both feel safe and content.

The energy between us was so comfortable and gentle compared with when we were in a romantic partnership. It's easier to bend with each other's breezes and laugh at the quirks now that sex is off the table and our romantic energy has started to transform a little more into something closer to platonic.

While this relationship has been incredibly hard at points (a lot of points), it has also been an incredibly deep soul connection which has challenged us both to grow beyond what we could have alone in such a short time frame. I'm really glad we are learning how to honour that in its own way, however it feels right, without the pressure of being partners or lovers. It's been educational and an adventure navigating partnered polyamory with M, and it's just as much of an adventure now we're really starting to explore what relationship anarchy can mean for us.

TW: brief mentions of assault, abuse, self harm

I'm not going to lie, the title is a bit misleading. I haven't bene gone. I didn't go anywhere. I just drifted away from my daily posting schedule and let myself build it up into something much bigger in my head.

Another truth is that since I last wrote on here not a vast amount has changed. I'm still with Dash and H; I still haven't seen H (since last summer); Dash and I are still working through some difficult differences, namely wildly differing sex drives, differentove languages and his lack of experience in dating multiple people, plus a lot of trauma on both sides. We're still virtually monogamous, given how rarely I see H and Dash's extreme shyness plus lockdown plus their biggest crush turning them down. It's all weird right now.

Big things that have happened are:

Obviously, lockdown. Dash is here with me and my mum, which has been interesting. Mostly we make a good team. Six weeks today and we're all still friends.

Poor Dash got assaulted back in February out of the blue and they broke his cheekbone so he's been in recovery since then. Obviously this hasn't helped with trauma and anxiety.

We are not leaving the county in March. Because lockdown.

Dash got caught smoking weed by my mum's friend, there was a big fight here and he hasn't smoked green for a month as a result - first month in seven or eight years he hasn't smoked.

Been working a lot on the camper. Starting to look very nice.

Recently I've been struggling a lot with depression, like everyone, and have unfortunately reverted to self harm, involving implements other than fingernails this time. But having worked up the courage to speak to Dash about this, I have managed to stay clean again for about three weeks. Maybe a month. I haven't been counting. But instead of hurting myself I have been dissociating when necessary. I think that might be better?

So, you've been polyamorous for a little while, maybe even a big while. You meet this guy. He's funny, quick off the mark, intelligent, friendly. He's got a lot of polyamorous friends, some people even consider him a 'polyamory expert'. He may or may not modestly deny this. He isn't close to most of his ex partners, if any. They were frequently too controlling, too jealous, unwilling to do the necessary self work that polyamory requires. He's smooth. Maybe he even tells you he no longer really experiences jealousy, or gives some terribly minor, long-ago examples of it to prove empathy.

Maybe you end up dating him, or watching him date someone close to you. Let's say it's your friend, S. She's very empathetic, a warm, loving person. She's not completely new to polyamory, but she hasn't had many close relationships within this framework. She cares a lot about those around her and will always try to make time to show you she loves you. You regard S as a very good friend, and a good partner to those she dates - always willing to work on her own issues before taking it out on the other person.

You watch as she transitions from the initial elation and progressively becomes more and more unhappy and nervous, then happy again by turns. She confides in you, more than she ever has. Mr Rational has all these fights with his longterm primary partner. She hasn't spent much time with her, but she sounds pretty controlling. It's like she doesn't want Mr R to spend any time with S.

Of course, she says, he gives his primary so much leeway but he can only give her so much, right? They both agreed to polyamory, and it's not fair for her to ask him to stop seeing S entirely.

Eventually, S seems more steady, a bit more sure of her position. She's started spending time with Ms Primary, and they get on surprisingly well - both very courteous and always making sure they help each other get what they need in their relationships with Mr R, without hurting him in the process. It occurs to you that Mr R seems to be being very passive here - he's almost more like a toy letting himself be passed between two partners rather than a man with agency who can deliberately make time for either of them. He may or may not. seem to have one form of input, however: the suggestion that Ms P and S start seeing each other sexually too. S may view this as a kind willingness to share the affection of his partners.

Mr R starts seeing someone new. Suddenly S is nervous, vulnerable, confiding in you again, and closer to Ms Primary than ever before. They try to talk to Mr R together - even Ms P can see that Mr R is neglecting his relationship with S. Not to mention her own relationship with him. S tells you that Mr R doesn't do anything at the house, that Ms P is stuck doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry... Sometimes, she whispers, it's almost like he keeps her as a housekeeper rather than a partner.

They confront him together. Mr R accuses them both of jealousy, ganging up on him, of being controlling, too insecure to deal with the realities of polyamory. Because she is kind, and easily led to believe she is in the wrong, S starts working on her insecurities and issues with jealousy. You note that Mr R stays distant from this processing and doesn't offer noticeable support. Perhaps he is still too caught up in NRE.

This is a hypothetical situation, based off what I've seen in a few polycules I've encountered over the years. My first (secondhand) experience of polyamory was watching two (and then more) friends go through something akin to this. Mr R is one of my close friends, and so is Ms P, and now S, and many others. They are also Pete and Bea and Flora, they are also Franklin Veaux (Eve Rickert's coauthor in writing More Than Two) and his partners. They are also those guys I meet at festivals and out and about. The beautiful ones who are simultaneously drop dead gorgeous, charming and utterly yawn-inducing in their similarity. Mr 2Evolved4U.

Mr Rational Poly Man: Simultaneously active in the pursuit of new connections and absolutely, unbearably passive in the maintenance of current ones. The guys who start seeing someone new and it's down to whoever has the grabbiest hands to spend time with him. If you're sad about him not making the effort to see you, it's your fault for not demanding that time. If he doesn't want to spend that time with you, it's your fault for being too controlling. If you feel insecure or jealous, it's because you can't handle polyamory. Maybe you just want him to be monogamous with you, huh?

Mr Rational Poly Man frequently has at least one partner who bends over backwards to enable his lifestyle of pursuing new partners. Usually a woman, she takes on the role of mother, doing his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, possibly even in some cases she is the sole breadwinner. She has little time to pursue new relationships herself, or even maintain the ones she does have. She is too busy being two adults, and looking after a man child.

This is more or less just a warning post, and a reminder that those guys who believe somehow that they're terribly rational are usually complete bellends. 'I don't feel jealousy anymore, I'm beyond it' often means: 'I have caring and empathetic partners who do their best to maintain our relationship as well as forming new ones, and I take it for granted'.

In my experience, when a Rational Poly Man feels jealousy, because his partner is maybe finally thinking of leaving him, or because they have formed a new, intense relationship and are maybe showing less care than they usually would, it's a messy explosion of rage. Because the coddling has momentarily stopped, and poor baby can't handle it.

M was not quite a Rational Poly Man, but he definitely sometimes bordered on it. The one time in our relationship where I behaved with a new partner the way he did every time (sexually interacting with them and not wanting to with him), he threw a complete tantrum and actually, it made me feel a little better about my behaviour in that moment, because while it was shitty, it was important for me to see how much I'd been catering to him and how little he'd been doing the same for me, though I genuinely believe he was trying to in his own way. And that was only a lowkey version of this.

Don't be taken in by Rational Poly Men. It's just a ballache waiting to happen, and a lacklustre experience in every way. Realistically though, they do tend to be very good in bed (or so I am led to believe) so it can be hard to let that go for a lot of people. Just remember there are always more people out there who either are good in bed, or are willing and quick to learn.

It's funny how seemingly small sets of words can say so much.

When someone says 'I love you', or 'I miss you', or even something as simple as 'I want to see you', it can mean the world, particularly to people who hold Words of Affirmation as one of their primary love languages.

Conversely, when a friend or lover rarely expresses such sentiments, or initiates contact, it can be very difficult to recognise whether they are actively invested in their relationship with you, or if they are just coasting down the path of least resistance.

In these cases, the answer is not 'make it more difficult for your friend to be in a relationship with you than to not be in a relationship with you' as some form of testing experience, it is to communicate honestly both with yourself and your friend.

As I think everyone who regularly reads this blog knows by now, I really like making lists. I find it a lot easier to be self critical and honest, and to emotionally process, if I can write it all down.

So I write lists of how I feel, every emotion I am experiencing that I can recognise, and examine what has inspired them and what thoughts are behind them.

Sometimes I discover that actually, it's more about my perceptions than their actions. Sometimes something they've said has triggered an emotional memory or tripped me up because of a current mental state.

Other times, I get the chance to notice a real pattern of my friend or lover's behaviour that irks or hurts me, and that I would like them to work on.

Of course sometimes we all fall into the trap of 'he never, she always' which is neither truthful nor helpful most of the time. There are rarely any such absolutes. In these times, I like (you guessed it) making more lists. I write down every recent instance of that behaviour that comes to mind, and every instance I can remember where something different happened. Then I compare them.

If it seems like my view is skewed, I work on why that might be. And if it seems to me that actually, I've been correct in thinking something I perceive as a problem has been happening a lot, or something important is being neglected, then I can bring that to their attention knowing essentially 'my case'. Because occasionally, no matter how well you try to phrase something in NVC or how neutrally you attempt to start a conversation about someone else's behaviour, they will take it as an accusation. Best case scenario, I've over prepared and the conversation goes smoothly. Worst case, I can prove I haven't just pulled this out of my ass to find trouble where there isn't any.

This may sound excessively structured, but having recently been in a very tumultuous relationship with someone who sometimes took my sadness or hurt as a character attack, it was a useful strategy both for myself and my partner.

It's OK to take a while to think through things, and to ask for the space to do so. And it is absolutely your right to be heard in your relationships, to voice your concerns as best you can and to have that responded to with some empathy. It is also your responsibility to ensure you can provide the same for your partner.

The other night my friends and I went to celebrate the Winter Solstice at a nearby sacred site. It pissed it down with rain all night, for the first time since I started celebrating Solstices. But this time, also for the first time, we had the campervan. Now what I haven't been saying on here is this project is a Big One. This is a hella chonky boi caravan. So we somehow managed to fit 15-20 people inside it for most of the night.

It was warm, full of laughter and, yes, still wet (from condensation). But we were a hell of a lot drier than we would have been without it.

My heart felt so full. I wanted a big home so that I could fit as many people as possible in it whilst remaining practical. And that night we did it. After a year of hard graft, sweat, tears, blood, pain, freezing weather and rain and hail and rust and welding and building, we had a little house where I could make enough mulled wine for everyone who showed up, feed the five thousand with bread and cheese, and keep everyone warm, safe and dry.

And Dash was there for all of it. He showed up like an angel out of the blue shortly after I bought the Beast. And he has worked and struggled alongside me this entire time, slogging away in the heat and cold and wet and dark to create this home with me.

Somehow I've gone from 'this is my project and home and I would love to take you adventuring with me for a while' to 'this is our home'. And I'm not scared of it.

My whole life I've made plans just for me, because my plans are more important than my relationships - after all, relationships are temporary and dreams are forever. But this time my dream has been expanded by someone else. He's come in, and quietly started helping me to build my deepest desire, and has worked so hard and so long on it that really it's not just mine anymore. Sure, on paper it is, sure financially it is, but this thing has had both of our love and work poured into it, and he's as involved as I am by now.

Somehow I think that should terrify me. It always has before. My space is my space, my campervan is my campervan. This is my home and no one will take it from me. But with Dash, I'm not afraid. He won't ever try to invade, or conquer, or steal it away from under me. All he wants is to share my nest, and help me make it beautiful.

He knows where things are, he knows what I need when I'm working, he knows how to hold things or saw things or offer help so that I can keep working. I'm astounded constantly by his level of support. I don't feel like I deserve it, and weirdly he somehow feels like he doesn't deserve all the support I give him. I think we're two people who want to justify our existence by being helpful to others, and so we can't quite comprehend someone else being so kind to us.

I still think he's giving me more than I'm giving him. But I'm working on trying to be better, more patient and less grumpy.