#ms primary

So, you've been polyamorous for a little while, maybe even a big while. You meet this guy. He's funny, quick off the mark, intelligent, friendly. He's got a lot of polyamorous friends, some people even consider him a 'polyamory expert'. He may or may not modestly deny this. He isn't close to most of his ex partners, if any. They were frequently too controlling, too jealous, unwilling to do the necessary self work that polyamory requires. He's smooth. Maybe he even tells you he no longer really experiences jealousy, or gives some terribly minor, long-ago examples of it to prove empathy.

Maybe you end up dating him, or watching him date someone close to you. Let's say it's your friend, S. She's very empathetic, a warm, loving person. She's not completely new to polyamory, but she hasn't had many close relationships within this framework. She cares a lot about those around her and will always try to make time to show you she loves you. You regard S as a very good friend, and a good partner to those she dates - always willing to work on her own issues before taking it out on the other person.

You watch as she transitions from the initial elation and progressively becomes more and more unhappy and nervous, then happy again by turns. She confides in you, more than she ever has. Mr Rational has all these fights with his longterm primary partner. She hasn't spent much time with her, but she sounds pretty controlling. It's like she doesn't want Mr R to spend any time with S.

Of course, she says, he gives his primary so much leeway but he can only give her so much, right? They both agreed to polyamory, and it's not fair for her to ask him to stop seeing S entirely.

Eventually, S seems more steady, a bit more sure of her position. She's started spending time with Ms Primary, and they get on surprisingly well - both very courteous and always making sure they help each other get what they need in their relationships with Mr R, without hurting him in the process. It occurs to you that Mr R seems to be being very passive here - he's almost more like a toy letting himself be passed between two partners rather than a man with agency who can deliberately make time for either of them. He may or may not. seem to have one form of input, however: the suggestion that Ms P and S start seeing each other sexually too. S may view this as a kind willingness to share the affection of his partners.

Mr R starts seeing someone new. Suddenly S is nervous, vulnerable, confiding in you again, and closer to Ms Primary than ever before. They try to talk to Mr R together - even Ms P can see that Mr R is neglecting his relationship with S. Not to mention her own relationship with him. S tells you that Mr R doesn't do anything at the house, that Ms P is stuck doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry... Sometimes, she whispers, it's almost like he keeps her as a housekeeper rather than a partner.

They confront him together. Mr R accuses them both of jealousy, ganging up on him, of being controlling, too insecure to deal with the realities of polyamory. Because she is kind, and easily led to believe she is in the wrong, S starts working on her insecurities and issues with jealousy. You note that Mr R stays distant from this processing and doesn't offer noticeable support. Perhaps he is still too caught up in NRE.

This is a hypothetical situation, based off what I've seen in a few polycules I've encountered over the years. My first (secondhand) experience of polyamory was watching two (and then more) friends go through something akin to this. Mr R is one of my close friends, and so is Ms P, and now S, and many others. They are also Pete and Bea and Flora, they are also Franklin Veaux (Eve Rickert's coauthor in writing More Than Two) and his partners. They are also those guys I meet at festivals and out and about. The beautiful ones who are simultaneously drop dead gorgeous, charming and utterly yawn-inducing in their similarity. Mr 2Evolved4U.

Mr Rational Poly Man: Simultaneously active in the pursuit of new connections and absolutely, unbearably passive in the maintenance of current ones. The guys who start seeing someone new and it's down to whoever has the grabbiest hands to spend time with him. If you're sad about him not making the effort to see you, it's your fault for not demanding that time. If he doesn't want to spend that time with you, it's your fault for being too controlling. If you feel insecure or jealous, it's because you can't handle polyamory. Maybe you just want him to be monogamous with you, huh?

Mr Rational Poly Man frequently has at least one partner who bends over backwards to enable his lifestyle of pursuing new partners. Usually a woman, she takes on the role of mother, doing his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, possibly even in some cases she is the sole breadwinner. She has little time to pursue new relationships herself, or even maintain the ones she does have. She is too busy being two adults, and looking after a man child.

This is more or less just a warning post, and a reminder that those guys who believe somehow that they're terribly rational are usually complete bellends. 'I don't feel jealousy anymore, I'm beyond it' often means: 'I have caring and empathetic partners who do their best to maintain our relationship as well as forming new ones, and I take it for granted'.

In my experience, when a Rational Poly Man feels jealousy, because his partner is maybe finally thinking of leaving him, or because they have formed a new, intense relationship and are maybe showing less care than they usually would, it's a messy explosion of rage. Because the coddling has momentarily stopped, and poor baby can't handle it.

M was not quite a Rational Poly Man, but he definitely sometimes bordered on it. The one time in our relationship where I behaved with a new partner the way he did every time (sexually interacting with them and not wanting to with him), he threw a complete tantrum and actually, it made me feel a little better about my behaviour in that moment, because while it was shitty, it was important for me to see how much I'd been catering to him and how little he'd been doing the same for me, though I genuinely believe he was trying to in his own way. And that was only a lowkey version of this.

Don't be taken in by Rational Poly Men. It's just a ballache waiting to happen, and a lacklustre experience in every way. Realistically though, they do tend to be very good in bed (or so I am led to believe) so it can be hard to let that go for a lot of people. Just remember there are always more people out there who either are good in bed, or are willing and quick to learn.