#plot twist!

I shared a snip of this one earlier, but here is another! Harry Potter stars in "The Hangover," basically. Warning for more made up magical drugs, I am nothing if not predictable.

I felt the need to tell my story, my well, testimony, some would say, though I don't like this word that much.

Get ready for the wall of text!!!

I'm not straight. That's a fact, it's not something I could change even if I wanted to (I don't. I love it). I don't identify as asexual. I am asexual. As far as I remember, I've never been straight. And if there could be anything that "changed me" it would have happened way too early for anyone to be able to be sure about it.

I've never been straight. But I don't call myself LGBT+ or queer person, either. Because that to me means identifying as a part of the community I don't feel a part of. I'll get to it. For now, let's start from the beginning:

There were, of course, boyfriends from kindergarten. But they weren't anything more than a make-believe play which actually often irritated me. I mean, I decided I was in love with one when I was six, not because I actually was, it was just a thing all the girls did and I wanted to make dramatic confessions like those I've seen in movies. Another one decided he was in love with me so I used him for my benefit (things like: "yeah okay whatever you can be my boyfriend if you clean up my desk, sweet"). I was telling people I had a crush on Michał Wiśniewski who was at the time a thirty-something-years-old Polish vocalist. Did I find him attractive? Of course not. But he did have red hair, and that's an esthetic trait I'm still really fond of, and remember, I was six. So yeah. Apart from those I've had no other boyfriends or crushes ever again. As early as 9 years old I already decided those weren't for me and I haven't changed my mind since.

And nobody bothered me about it. No girly sleepovers where everyone had to confess their crushes, no people pestering me about it so much I'd feel uncomfortable. Not even that many deep conversation with other people about their crushes to which I could only respond with "mkay" or "who needs crushes anyway? but you do you I guess?". And, most fortunately, no talking about s*x of any kind. I've only attended a few s*x-ed classes at my schools - thankfully at first my mom decided I didn't have to waste my time there, though later she thought maybe I could get some use out of it despite my pleas and whinings. I did not get any use of it. I was repulsed by everything that was said there. I was positive everyone else must be, too. I tried not to listen at all, best as my little grindy and obedient mind could. Goes without saying that I despised any s*x scenes in books and movies as well and never talked with anyone about those topics, cause they made me extremely uncomfortable. Even the occasional intrusive thoughts I fought like fire.

I've seen lots of acearo people confess that they feel like they are broken, or like there's something wrong with them. I've never had that. I knew I wasn't broken, that would be ridiculous. I was right. It's everyone else who was gross and weird.

I started to ponder that maybe I was different during junior high. One of my classmates kept asking me who's the most handsome boy in our class and I always replied: my brother, of course! 😁 (Truthfully so, he's really beautiful). It may have been around that time I noticed that I looked differently at people than most did. I couldn't tell if someone was attractive or not. I found everyone beautiful, though some features I liked more than others.

There was a boy in our class, shy and quiet, we got along pretty well. After graduating junior high, another classmate called me to tell me he fancied me and to ask if I fancied him, too. I told her I didn't look at people that way. Her immediate response was "yo are you a lesbian???". "No! I'm not a lesbian!", I replied. "...Am I?", I thought. After this I had a long think about my orientation. I wasn't straight. I wasn't lesbian, either. I figured I might be bi, I did seem to be keen on girls on the same level as on boys. But it didn't feel right either, as that level was 0. It was funny, I realized I'd never thought about my orientation until that moment, when I was 16. I hadn't ever needed to. I finally decided I must be something else entirely, some glorious anomaly in the world who's wired differently than everybody else. I left it at that. There wasn't any need in figuring it out for now anyway.

I went to the best high school ever. One of its many cool features was that we didn't have s*x-ed classes in the timetables at all. They were done once in a while by a school psychologist when the teacher for any class was absent. This happened during one of my first days and it took me by surprise. It wasn't that bad, I had a book and a few friends to chat and dismiss the teachings entirely with.

I did hear a few sentences, though. The psychologist was speaking about there being different orientations. "And many people don't know that beside heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual people, there also exist asexual people." My head jolted up. I did not need any explanation. As soon as I heard the term, my immediate thought was: "Oh. So I'm asexual. Huh, cool!" It made my day. I was beaming without cease for the rest of it.

I did some research. As soon as I found out the term aromantic, I claimed it as well. There was never any doubt in my mind. And I was the most stereotypical acearo imaginable, too. S*x-repulsed, childlike, innocent, a proud virgin, valuing my friendships more than anything, fairly androgynous, quirky, weird, fantasy loving, romance hating, not being able to understand any of it, turning my head away whenever two characters kissed during a movie, a garlic bread enjoyer. I loved the memes, they were so relatable!

So naturally I bought myself an ace ring to proudly wear, I secretly celebrated every asexual/aromantic awareness dates, and I joined online ace communities.

That was... where the magic bubble started to pop. I just, I couldn't feel myself a part of the group. For instance, everyone was so caught up in being recognized as part of the LGBT+ club, which to me frankly didn't make sense. I mean, I get gay and bi aces wanting to be part of the group, but for aroaces and straight aces, I didn't see what we had in common with the rest of them? But that was bearable, to each their own. What really made me feel sad and unwelcomed were some other things. Firstly, how much talk about s*x there actually was? In an asexual community? Like guys, please, I thought this would be a safe space where we did NOT have to talk about it all the time??? And yeah, I get that not every ace is s*x-repulsed and negative about the topic, but do we really feel the need to stress it so much on every possible occasion and to top it all go into nsfw topics on main so much that it's really getting uncomfortable, even with all the tw and cw? Secondly, from the content of the posts it seemed that somehow being ace and/or aro is inextricably intertwined with being a leftist? Why are you all talking about abortion bans? Why are you advocating for which US president to vote for?? Why are you so proudly defending prostitution??? And why are you making fun of Christians so much???? And all in a way that would suggest we all universally agree, how could we not.

I realized something during this time. I realized what orientation really was, or rather, what it was not. It was just that - orientation. The one and only thing it said about someone was who they were attracted to. Which honestly is not a thing I feel the need to know about people. What it did not say about someone was: how they go about experiencing their orientation, what their ideal family looks like, what their worldview is, what their stance on social/political/religious issues is, whether they feel a part of LGBT+ communities or not, what their lifestyle is, what other traits they possess, and so on (y'know, the things that would actually interest me about someone).

After three years I took off my ace ring. I cut ties with any queer groups I was in. I was looking for a place to find like-minded people where we all would share confusion about the world's obsession with s*x, where we would celebrate other forms of relationships and intimacy than erotic and romantic ones, where we would value virginity and celibacy, where no one would tell us we were broken or worse for it, where we would ensure each other that different lifestyles than married with biological children are possible and out there, where we would laugh together and feel good about ourselves.

I didn't find this in queer spaces.