#pining levi

“I know! There was a fuck tone of party favors on clearance at the dollar store down the street. It’s going to be great!! Is Mike busy? He’s welcome too of course.” Eren said.

“It sounds fun, we’ll be there,” Erwin smiled.

“Awesome!” Eren said, leaving as quickly as he came in and slamming the door behind him.

“Smooth,” Erwin said, raising a thick eyebrow at Levi before the smaller man dropped his head into his arms on the counter top.

“I don’t know why I do it. I’m the fucking dumbass, not him,” Levi groaned.

“Yes, you are,” Erwin said.

“Not helping!” Levi glared.

“You’ve been in love with him since he moved across the hall 6 years ago. He’s obviously in to you too but you still won’t make a move,” Erwin explained.

“If he’s so in to me, then why can’t he make a move? He makes them on everyone else!” Levi shot back.

“Because you keep calling him a dumbass,” Erwin said simply.

“Fuck, you’re right. I’m a fucking mess,” Levi groaned again.

“Now’s your chance, make a move at the party,” Erwin suggested.

“Yeah, that’ll go over well,” Levi rolled his eyes.

“No no, it’s perfect! It’s a New Years Party, there’s no way Eren would skip the midnight countdown. Just make sure you’re within reach,” Erwin said, as though it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Right, that’s just so easy. I’ll just walk up and kiss him at midnight.....” Levi paused as the wheels in his brain began turning. “Wait! I’ll kiss him at midnight!” he exclaimed.

“Oh wow, however did you come up with that?” Erwin asked with a chuckle.

“Fuck off,” Levi growled. “It’s perfect, if he kisses me back, then great! And if he pushes me away and says ‘what the hell are you doing??’ I can just say, ‘it wasn’t me, it was New Years’.” He explained

“Flawless plan if you ask me,” Erwin said before drinking the remaining milk from his bowl.

“Now what the fuck am I going to wear?” Levi said, jumping off the stool and running to his bedroom to score his closet for the perfect outfit.

“Good Luck! I have to go tell Mike we have plans,” Erwin called, but Levi was too enraptured in his task to bother.

It took him a few hours before he deemed himself good enough, though compared to Eren, he’d never look good enough. Eren was flawless, from his messy bun to his long legs and magnificently sculpted body. The man could fill out a pair of jeans and a fitted t-shirt like no ones’ business. Not to mention he had the most gorgeous face Levi had ever seen on another person. Those giant green eyes were the reason Levi couldn’t speak to Eren more than five minutes without insulting him. The minute they focused on Levi he was captivated, he’d lose himself and forget how to even speak, and thus let out what he knew best. Insults.

The only reason why Eren spent any time with him was likely because his best friend, Armin, was Erwin’s little brother. He probably would have phased him out long ago if it weren’t for the two blonds. It’s not that Levi was mean, he was just shy and had a shitty sense of humor.

He was also obsessive and was now ready for the party two hours before it was supposed to start. Maybe he should head over, show Eren how nice he could actually be and help decorate. It was worth a short at least.

“Hey?” Levi called, walking into the apartment.

“Hi!” Eren said from on top of the counter as he taped streamers to the top cabinets, “The party isn’t until 8.”

“I know, I thought I’d come help,” Levi said.

“Really?? Awesome!! There are some hanging decorations on the table, just tape them everywhere,” Eren instructed.

“Sure,” Levi said, making his way over to the table, “Where’s Armin?” he asked.

“He and Annie went out to pick up snacks. They hate decorating so I don’t expect them back for a while,” Eren laughed.

“Well then it’s good that I’m here then,” Levi said awkwardly.

“It’s always good when you’re here,” Eren smiled, jumping down from the counter.

“Sorry for calling you a dumbass, this is actually a cool idea,” Levi said.

“You call me a dumbass all the time,” Eren said, his smile still stretching over his face happily.

“I know, but maybe I shouldn’t,” Levi added.

“Don’t worry about it,” Eren said, pulling the streamer across the room and climbing on the furniture to tape it up high.

Levi only nodded, unsure of what to say after that. Though Eren never seemed to be at a loss for words and kept the conversation going while they put up the rest of the decorations. Before Levi knew it, people were starting to pile in to the apartment, all ready for New Years.

Levi never considered himself a jealous man, though watching Eren flirting with everyone at the party made his stomach turn. Okay, maybe he was just talking and being friendly, but he was so beautiful, Levi was sure anyone speaking to him thought he was flirting too. Or at least hoped.

Levi wandered around the party, trying to ignore how Eren flirted with everyone but him, and trying to ease away the nausea from the idea of his plan. How could he kiss Eren at midnight? In front of all these people. Eren would reject him and then everyone would know how pathetic he was.

“10 minutes, are you going to do it?” Erwin asked, sliding up to Levi with a beer in his hand. His hair a little mussed and his lips a little swollen, not unlike his boyfriend who Levi found chatting with Mikasa by the chip bowl.

“I haven’t talked to him all night, it would be weird,” Levi said.

“No! Levi, you have to!” Erwin exclaimed, a little drunk.

“What if he rejects me?” Levi asked, eyes focused on Eren from across the room.

“What if he doesn't? What if he accepts you and you get everything you’ve wanted for the past six years?” Erwin said.

Erwin was right, it was now or never. If Levi missed his chance tonight, who knows when he would get another. Maybe he never would. Maybe whoever Eren kissed tonight would be his for the rest of his life. Levi couldn’t take that chance, if Eren was going to find the love of his life tonight, then Levi had to make sure it was him.

With a sense of determination, that could have only been brought on through the two and a half glasses of gin and tonic he had had throughout the night, Levi made his way over to Eren.

“Levi, Hey! Have you been enjoying the party?” Eren asked, his eyes lighting up as he turned toward him.

“Yeah, it’s great. We should make this a thing,” Levi suggested.

“Yes!! We should make it a thing! Let’s have one every summer!” Eren yelled excitedly while everyone around them cheered.

“Eren!! It’s almost midnight, we have to count down!” Some girl Levi didn’t recognize yelled, grabbing Eren’s arm and pulling him away. Eren eyes looked apologetic as he was dragged away, he was nice that way, though he would always be the life of the party while Levi hung out in the background.  

His plan wouldn’t have worked anyway.

As the crowd began to shout out the seconds, Levi made his way to the door. He was interested in kissing someone at midnight unless it was Eren, and he especially wasn’t interested in watching Eren kiss one of the many people crowded around him throughout the count down.

Levi looked back at the man of his deepest affections one last time, surprised to catch Eren’s eye. Eren looked worried, Levi really didn’t deserve a friend like him. With a soft smile and a nod to convince Eren that he was okay, Levi slipped out of the door just as they got to ‘Four’.

He stood in the hallway, listening to the last numbers and trying not to let himself cry as he thought about Eren kissing someone at that moment. Someone who wasn’t Levi and never would be. Maybe Eren would fall in love with the person he kissed tonight, then at least Levi could force himself to get over the silly little crush he had been harboring since Eren moved in.

“FOUR...THREE...” The entire room shouted, just as the apartment door opened behind Levi, surprising him that anyone else would leave during the countdown.

“Eren!” Levi gasped, turning around to face the only person he truly wanted to see in that moment, “What are you doing?” he asked in shock as though his wish had come true.

Eren didn’t answer, only stepped closer to Levi and placed his hands on Levi’s waist to pull him closer. “Two...one...” He whispered along with the shouting behind the door, smiling gently and leaning down to brush his lips softly against Levi’s.

Levi gasped into the kiss, obviously having to bring his awkwardness to every interaction with Eren, though the younger man didn’t seem to mind. He only chuckled before pulling away and looking down at Levi with a content look in his eyes.  

“Happy New Year,” Eren said quietly, running the back of his finger down Levi’s cheek and over his lips, “I’m sorry, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.”

“Y-you have?” Levi asked in disbelief.

“Yes. I even jumped at the chance for a New Years party because I thought I could finally have a reason to kiss you,” Eren said bashfully.

“You dumbass,” Levi groaned, leaning his forehead against Eren’s surprisingly soft chest. “You stole my idea,” he mumbled.

“Really?” Eren laughed and wrapped his arms around Levi.

“Yes, I thought I could work up the courage to finally kiss you, but I failed once again,” Levi said, looking up to meet Eren’s gorgeous eyes.

“You don’t need an excuse to kiss me you know,” Eren said.

“Likewise,” Levi shot.

“True, well how about I kiss you again, this time for no reason but I want to,” Eren suggested.

“I could probably handle that...” Levi said, looking away shyly.

“And maybe after that I could kiss you for no reason, any time I want?” Eren asked as he tightened his grip around Levi’s waist.

“I think I could handle that too,” Levi said.

Levi barely held back another shudder, as the icy coastal wind ripped at his cloak, and lashed at his back, dark green fabric flapping around him. Next time he’d be sent to the ocean to welcome back an expedition, he’d wear his winter gear. Did the ocean have its own micro-climate? He’d have to ask Hange later.

If the ship they were expecting back made him wait much longer, his ears and fingers were going to fall off.

He wondered what use Hange would manage to come up with for him then.

Best not to find out though. He attempted to subtly hug his cloak tighter around him. Had he been alone, he probably would have wrapped it around his head too, because the cold really was just that ridiculous. Might as well match. He considered at least tugging the worn fabric up over his ears, and probably would have, had anyone else been with him. He didn’t suspect anyone else would dare comment.

Anyone, that was, but Eren.

And of course Eren had insisted on coming with him.

Levi had tried not to read into it. Eren had been on his fair share of expeditions, as had Levi, so it made sense they’d stop insisting on going at about the same time. Levi, as much as he would never admit it, had been tiring; Eren had claimed it was time for him to help back at home (“home” to Eren had apparently become any charted territory). And while on this day Levi had been assigned to relay information from Commander Hange to the returnees and back, Eren had a best friend to greet. The young Arlert had been leading the expedition, and Hange had seen no issue with letting Eren help organize their return.  

Trying not to read into it about it was unfortunately not enough to stop him from knowing.

And trying to ignore what he knew was unfortunately not enough to prevent his nerves from zipping with tension, whenever Eren’s gaze slipped from the horizon to him.

Which was frequently.

Another gust of wind almost convinced him to uncross his arms and protect his ears from the biting chill, but then he wouldn’t be able to listen to Eren.

The young man – it was a relief to never have to think of him as “the boy” anymore –  was telling him all about the latest development projects he’d been working on. Turns out some people, mostly ex- Survey Corps members, enjoyed the relative proximity to the ocean, so what was meant to be a minor outpost was gradually turning into a village. Over the past months, Eren had helped build wells, set up a sewage system – how something sounding so gross could be the key to hygiene remained a mystery to Levi – and more recently, he’d helped prepare farmable lands, for whatever plants and crops Arlert and his crew might bring back.

“… more like an outdoor lab for Hange than a proper farm that’ll sustain the town in the future, but we have time to work on the rest of the surrounding lands. And hey, you never know, they might come up with some amazing new technique to grow crops, and then we would be able to implement that everywhere else straight away.”

There had been a time where Eren had been hesitant to speak more than Levi in their conversations. He’d been determined to be concise and only reacted to Levi’s actions. Which made sense, coming from most soldiers towards anyone higher in rank. But Eren’s mild anxiety around him didn’t come from deference to rank, he was sure.

No, once he’d started looking closer, he’d found Eren had only feared Levi’s indifference – Eren raced to make his point out of fear of losing his Captain’s attention along the way, or worse, being cut off.

And once he’d started looking closer, he’d been doomed.

Levi had found Eren looking straight back, a gaze that steadily gained in confidence over the years. As did Eren’s voice, whose lower pitch took Levi by surprise. A far too pleasant surprise. It shed any wavering it might have once had in Levi’s presence, lost any stumbling over words; and eventually, that quick pace, the haste with which he delivered his messages, vanished too.

Levi found himself drawn into conversations where more than strictly necessary information was exchanged. He never knew who started them. Maybe he’d softened. Maybe Eren had become bolder.

The boy never had been weak, or at least, never as weak as he believed himself to be; but over the years, he grew to be strong, in every sense of the word. Mature. Reliable.

Attractive.

The point was, Eren had changed, but he never looked away. Everything might have been easier, had he only.

“… and so if we get that approved, we’ll all have running hot water at any time of the day in our homes. Though of course, nothing will stop you if you’d rather keep boiling water separately. To keep sparing some for your tea.” Eren shot a bright smile in Levi’s direction.

Levi clenched his jaw to prevent his teeth from chattering. Thinking of hot tea helped, though.  

“Sir?”

Ah, he’d let Eren carry their conversation again, hadn’t he. He had to say something now, and he found himself scrambling for an acceptable answer. Not because he hadn’t listened (how could anyone ignore Eren?) – but because once again, there was no distance to entertain between him and Eren, the way there was between him and most others; and at the same time, he was terrified of giving too much away.

Then his eyes met Eren’s, and words came on their own, instinctive.

“We’re lucky Hange was authorized to come this far out with us. They’ve been proving rather useful so far, I’ll admit. Though I bet they make sure of it, knowing it’s the only reason we don’t lock ‘em up,” Levi forced through lips numbed by the cold.

Eren laughed freely, a gorgeous, rich sound. Laughing suited him, Levi considered, before slamming the breaks on that train of thought.

“Any of their inventions you’re especially looking forward to seeing?” Eren asked.

Levi took a moment to think. Most of the time, he’d imagine a certain concept as Hange described it, and then be faced with something completely different by the time they completed it.

“It’s hard to know what to expect, with Hange,” he muttered.

Eren grinned. “I guess… Since I’ve been working on a few with them, I have a good idea where they’re headed. Or so they let me believe.” He huffed a laugh, that Levi saw rather than heard due to the wind in his ears. “Either way, I’d be happy to show you the projects as soon as they’re done. I know Hange won’t mind.”

Levi only hummed in response.

This didn’t deter Eren in the slightest, and Levi was always grateful for that. Eren carried on, talking about what some of his friends had been up to lately. Maybe if Levi joined in and spoke as animatedly, he wouldn’t run as high a risk of turning into a human icicle.

He was satisfied just listening to Eren talk, however. He’d genuinely felt better about supervising the shifter once he’d stopped looking at him with all those stars in his eyes, once he stopped smiling tensely, and instead began grinning when he was excited, or openly frowning when he was displeased.

It couldn’t be said that he ever stopped trying to impress Levi either, however.

Levi wouldn’t have called that a problem, per se. Hell, Eren wasn’t the first.

The problem was that he’d succeeded.

Whenever Levi was asked to gather a team, the same name would always leap to the front of his mind. Eren was competent, and deserved his place on each mission he took part in. But, as much as he hated it, Levi had to acknowledge that he’d long stopped wondering who’d be best for a task at his side, so long as Eren would do.

For quite some time, Levi believed he’d managed to keep his, ah, opinions, about Eren under wraps. But then, when did time ever play in anyone’s favor? Here, he let a concerned look escape him; there, he’d wordlessly handed Eren what he needed before he even had to ask; once or twice, he reacted to what was obviously an injury, only to find Eren had successfully kept it hidden from anyone else’s eyes.

Maybe it wasn’t due to Levi’s accidental and clumsy encouragement, maybe it wasn’t his fault, but in any case, Eren, as far as Levi knew, had never turned to anyone else.

Fuck his dignity, the air was biting at his cheeks and he couldn’t feel his feet anymore. Levi rubbed his hands together and took small steps from side to side.

Eren’s speech faltered, and he shot a quick glance at Levi’s hands. Predictable.

Levi knew he should tuck his hands back under his arms and glare at Eren until he carried on. Especially given the only reason he was leaving them out, other than making sure they hadn’t turned blue yet, was to see what Eren was going to try and do about it.

If Eren had gloves on, no doubt he’d hand them over. Except Eren certainly wouldn’t be needing gloves in this early spring, he was always warmer than everyone else. His hands would be warm now. They’d probably be able to warm his own up very fast –

He snapped his hands back under his arms, and let shame wash over him. He’d wanted to compare what Eren would do to what Levi guessed he would. In short, he’d wanted to check just how well he knew Eren – possibly not for the first time.

He’d wanted to confirm, for the millionth time, whether or not he truly knew Eren all that well.

As if he wanted prove to himself that just maybe, he’d been misreading him from the start.

He must have been.

No one should care about him that much.

Though it was downright hypocritical of him to point at the gaps between what Eren should feel and how he did feel.

Eren cut through his inner chastising. “Sir, you know, what you said about Hange earlier… We’re lucky to have you too. I, uh. Hope you do know that,” Eren said, coming closer, but looking away.

“Hah.” Levi couldn’t help but frown.

He had been able to focus on his job rather than on Eren… as long as his job had been worth focusing on. But one day it had all been over. Relief like never before, greater than leaving the underground, or even the walls for the first time, had swept over him.

But so had a vague sense of emptiness, of restlessness, of… what now? Which was perfectly acceptable in younger soldiers; less acceptable coming from a man who could have retired.  People sought vitality and strength for expansion and reconstruction.

And people hadn’t turned to him.

Younger soldiers were favored. The older survivors were expected to take up a desk job in the administration, jobs that were entirely unsuitable for both Hange and Levi. And no matter what Hange would assign Levi to, he often though that his role had become purely decorative: his added-value laid in the morale he brought with his presence, more than in any material contribution he could bring.

And so maybe he’d grown bored. His mind was left idle enough to think about Eren. He was free to watch Eren come into his own as a respected member of both the military and of the community. Free to watch him learn to lead, and learn to listen with more patience than his younger self ever had. He’d grown, and he’d done so so beautifully.

Levi sighed. Maybe he was bored. Maybe he was tired.

Regardless, he would have found it difficult to stop looking at Eren Jaeger.

Surrendering to that notion now was inevitable, when he suddenly realized Eren’s mere presence had practically distracted him from the way the wind lashed at his face. Come to think of it, though, Eren probably had been talking for that purpose exactly. Somewhere along the way, Eren had learned how deeply Levi loathed the atmosphere when it turned the tips of his nose and ears red.

Levi supposed he should be grateful that Eren had chosen to deal with this current discomfort of his reasonably. It was well known among their friends that anything that displeased Levi came under Eren’s attack sooner or later.  Simply distracting Levi was one of his better solutions.

“Is… something wrong, Sir?” Eren asked hesitantly, head tilted to the side.

Levi was about to make a biting comment about the wind – the way he’d been sinking his head into his shoulders having most likely prompted the question – but his reply died in his throat.

The sun had begun its journey back down towards the horizon, sinking down into the ocean, far beyond where Eren stood. When Levi turned to glance at him, the sunlight caught on his eyes.

And that was that, Humanity’s Strongest silenced by the world’s most dazzling pair of eyes.

Good thing he was free to retire.

He probably looked like he was glaring (so long as his jaw didn’t drop – it didn’t, did it?), but god dammit he was going to keep staring until he’d counted all the different shades of green he could see there. Except the sun rays caused Eren’s eyes to shimmer, so the shades kept shifting (which was rather hypnotizing), so naturally he’d have to start over endlessly. And if by some miracle all the different hues and hints of green did end up counted for, well then he’d move on to the golds.

God those eyes were gorgeous, and it was simply unfair.

He’d once believed that being able to see all the pastels of a sunset was lucky, and his friends’ reactions to the ocean forced him to acknowledge the magic of the dark (murky) waters. But nature’s most exquisite palettes could never make him feel what he was feeling now, a wild mix of giddiness, wonder and awe.

When he finally tore his gaze away from Eren’s eyes, they would roam no further than across the rest of Eren’s face. The cold air brought color to his well-defined cheekbones, his hair was adorably messed up, and a smile was tugging at the corner of those pink lips –

Wait. Was he laughing at Levi? Surely his reaction wasn’t all that strange, no one should look that good in this stupid wind. And he looked so relaxed while he did it too, Levi had been braced for what felt like ages now against the cold, Eren simply stood sturdy, smiling, by his side. Ridiculous.

Suddenly, Eren’s eyes went wide, and the sunlight made them sparkle more than ever, and Levi’s breath caught – and then Eren ducked out of the way, grimacing.

Levi’s heart froze.

He knew it, he had been misreading all along, and regardless he’d always been told he had the creepiest stare, of course he wouldn’t care until it was too late –

“I’m so sorry!” Eren apologized, but looked thoroughly amused after a moment. “I should have realized sooner! It’s freezing out here but I completely failed to notice!”

What? Levi had better understand soon because this was going to provide his only possible excuse for the staring.

“The sun must be setting faster than expected, I didn’t stand right where I’d be blocking you off from sunlight on purpose,” he laughed, finding the idea amusing perhaps, but more importantly, at ease. “Anyway, I hope it’s a bit better like this?” He’d taken a step back, letting the sun hit Levi square in the face instead.

No, no it most certainly was not better, but how could he say that?

Levi’s imminent stammering of “it’s fine” was cut off by unexpected shivering. For fuck’s sake. The cold had finally overcome his resistance.

“Guess not,” Eren chuckled. Of course he’d notice. “Do you want us to climb down? Closer to shore. We might be able to find some shelter there.”

Levi knew that would have been a reasonable decision. But he threw an uneasy look over his shoulder, to where their horses were loosely tied to the trees.

“We’ll climb down when the ship will be in sight,” he replied.

Eren followed his gaze. Then he smiled. “As you wish.”

The smile froze for a moment. Undetectably, but at this point, Levi wasn’t going to deny he’d been watching closely. Levi was wondering when he’d last heard Eren acquiesce to anything requested by anyone else so easily, when Eren turned to face him fully.

A position suggesting far more confidence than the current expression on his face.

“Since we can’t bring you to shelter…” Eren’s voice wavered as Levi’s eyes narrowed, but he soldiered on, “maybe we can bring shelter to you?”

He would have (should have) scoffed, but the air was cut off from his throat as his heart slammed up against it. Eren’s smile, more timid than he had seen in years, was innocent; the look he was giving Levi was not.

Moving was impossible, his feet were rooted to the ground, eyes trained on Eren as the young man walked up to him, and stepped behind him. Levi thought his frozen expression would appear threatening. To Eren, he had to assume it appeared wary, at worst.

In any case, it failed to discourage Eren from gently wrapping his own cloak around Levi, from softly holding it in place by pressing against his back and loosely wrapping his arms around him. Whatever apprehension Levi might have had quickly melted away. Almost literally, in fact, fading fast under the influence of Eren’s overpowering body heat.

Completely rationally speaking, this was an excellent option right now. Since, objectively, this was a perfectly proportional solution to his temperature problem, it was perfectly reasonable and acceptable for Levi to relax against Eren.

Hah. That was probably more or less exactly what Eren was thinking in that moment too.

At least Eren had the presence of mind to keep talking, though it might have been in hope that if he behaved normally, Levi would feel less self-conscious. Yep, sounded like Eren. From where he stood, all wrapped up, it even smelled and felt like Eren, and that was so much more than he deserved.

“It’ll be really nice to be back home with everyone tonight,” Eren said. “Can’t wait for all the stories that won’t be going into official reports, over dinner. They’ll probably try and make us regret not going, no matter how miserable they probably actually felt out there sometimes.” Eren paused. Then, “Hey… are you considering going on another expedition in the future?”

This time Levi did scoff. “At my age? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Eren’s huff blew against his hair, warm air contrasting with the air all around them.

“I don’t think your age could stop you from doing much. And honestly? I definitely don’t think it’d be ridiculous for you to do anything.”

Levi knew Eren was smiling behind him. It made him smile too, a quiet smile, that didn’t fade as Eren’s arms ever slightly tightened around him.

Neither moved or said anything more until white sails appeared on the horizon. As they rushed down to the shore, Levi let Eren pull ahead, letting himself think for a moment.

When he took off again, he’d decided he was also excited to get back home.

The cold still bit his fingertips, and the wind still whipped at his cheekbones. The cold still crawled under his tightly knotted cravat, still tore through his over-worn cloak.