#phdyear3

So. Since last I posted beyond the random reblog: 

At the end of this past semester, after I was passed over for a visiting professorship that wouldn’t been an immensely great opportunity, I felt really unmoored and listless. I did not do a very good job of managing depression and anxiety and sort of just let myself marinate in the miasma. I managed to get some work done and presented at a conference, but that was a huge stress in and of itself so I didn’t feel like posting anything conference-y. 

Then, two days post-conference, my mom was in a severe freak accident. While I don’t want to post details here, I will say that I think part of me will forever live in the hell of that night. The forty minutes waiting for the ambulance to arrive. The seven hours in the ER. The trauma of the accident and witnessing its aftermath have wrecked havoc on my mental health, but I’ve felt selfish admitting that, knowing the condition my mom is in. But, for how severe her injuries were at the time of the accident, she’s been making a remarkable recovery. However, she will be unable to walk until at least the end of August if not longer, which means she needs constant care. Which my dad and older sister can only partially provide because of their jobs. So that leaves me. 

While all of this family stuff was going down, I was also being contacted by two potential employers: one, a community college and the other a university about forty minutes from my parents’ home. So, while my mom was in surgery to repair damage from the accident I was literally at a job interview. Which ended in a rather fortuitous job offer from the university. Which I’ve accepted. This means that I’ve gotten myself out of my lease, moved out of my apartment and back in with my parents..where there is no room for me, because their house is tiny. I have no devoted space here, which is extremely stressful for someone introverted. There is no safe den to escape to, which has been deeply upsetting in ways that I can’t fully express to my family because of all of the other things going on. It’s also meant that I’m having to really carve out time to write and work on stuff, because on top of Mom Hurt and New Job, I also have Dissertation, Article Revisions, and Book Review. And, with the revelation of New Job comes the revelation of moving up my graduation date so I don’t waste more money on enrolling in credit hours toward my dissertation. After this semester, I’ll have fulfilled the minimum requirement for graduation, so having consulted with my director, we’ve agreed that I will defend my (as of yet incomplete) dissertation in September to graduate at the December ceremony. I told her I’d get her a full draft of this fucking thing by the second week of August. I have two chapters left to write. And I have a book review due August first, and revision due the fifteenth. And work starts the twenty-second. So my brain is just a wildfire of stress and tentative determination right now.

I’ve been working a lot of late nights after the rest of the house is asleep. I’ve also had some rather unfortunate breakdowns that I’ve been unable to conceal from the others and that I’ve really beat up on myself for during those late nights. This last four weeks (and that’s how long it’s been. Seriously. Mom Hurt, New Job, Moving, everything have only been going on for 25 days now) have been...I don’t even think there’s a word for it. I can’t pull one to the surface of my brain, at least.