#phantasms

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

1. Relationship with master

Spot: A cat is the perfect four-legged friend for an android because they are both aloof but wise, and can basically take care of themselves. Data cares for his beloved feline almost obsessively, trying out new replicated food to make her happy, writing poetry about her, and making sure she’s cared for when he’s away. But the most heart-warming example of how much Data loves Spot is in Generations when they’re reunited after the ship crash and Data’s emotions really come out.

Porthos: Dogs are the poster pet for adventure and exploration, and Archer is such a dog person. He is in constant need of someone in his life offering unconditional companionship and love, and dogs give it all away for free. Say what you want about the guy (and we gave him hell), but we see Archer’s devotion to his sweet pupper on full display in “A Night in Sickbay” when Porthos is in medbay and Archer refuses to leave his side, even with Phlox there being a nuisance the entire time.

Winner: Spot. We’re all cat owners on this podcast, and we know how much work it takes getting a cat to come out of her shell, so Data gets some extra credit here. And frankly, Archer bringing Porthos into the Delphic Expanse with him in “The Xindi”—where they assumed they’d get annihilated—is damn selfish. Leave the dog with Danica Erickson or something, dude! At least the Enterprise-D was cat friendly!

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2. Human relationships

Spot: While Spot is very affectionate and tender with Data, it’s sort of a running joke throughout seasons 6 and 7 that she doesn’t get along with anyone else. She scratches Riker in “Timescape.” She hisses at Geordi while hiding under the bed in “Force of Nature,” and he gives Data a whole speech about how she needs to be better trained. Worf is insinuated to be allergic to cats and only promises to feed Spot in “Phantasms” in Data’s absence. The only person other than Data we see actually getting along with her is Barclay in “Genesis” because he’s another cat person!

Porthos: The doggo, on the other hand, is a glutton for attention. Porthos is a very good dog with absolutely everyone. When Phlox eventually comes to understand animals can be used for companionship and not just for his medical menagerie, he seems to really value his time with him, especially in an episode like “Doctor’s Orders.” Perhaps the most emblematic portrayal of Porthos’s shipwide friendship is seen when Sim spends time with him after he’s settled on sacrificing himself in “Similitude.” Who else would you rather your last moments be with than a doggy?

Winner: Porthos. This one is obvious. Spot is not only unfriendly to the rest of the crew, but downright aggressive at times. But Porthos is fully content to get scritches and pats from just about anyone.

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3. Responses to threats

Spot: This kitty’s got claws! How well would Spot do in defending the ship? We posit she’d do pretty damn well, as is evidenced by how she sent Riker to medbay with scratches on his face that one time in “Timescape.” She could certainly hold her own in a fight with a real foe if she can take down the first officer of the whole ship!

Porthos: This beagle, on the other hand, is a pushover. I’ve complained a bunch of times on the podcast that I just don’t buy it any time the dog actors are supposed to be threatened. Instead of attacking or even barking at the cloaked Suliban on the ship in “Cold Front,” he wags his tail and looks happy. Porthos is no help at all when Ferengi board the ship in “Acquisition” and ends up in a packing crate because of it. He does successfully communicate the jizz alien threat in “Vox Sola” to Archer via barking, so at least that’s something.

Winner: Porthos. Data’s cat knows to be distrustful at first and will use her talons when it’s asked of her! But it's all conjecture if she's actually do any good during a real threat, while Porthos at least has history of barking at enemies to alert his masters.

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4. Animal relationships

Spot: We know that Spot has gotten busy with one of at least twelve male cats on the Enterprise because she’s pregnant in “Genesis.” We don’t know much about how she got along with any of these superfluous cats, but we do know that she had a litter of beautiful kittens later that episode, and we squee so hard to see adorable kittens for even the brief moment they’re on screen. It’s really one of that episode’s few highlights.

Porthos: During the run of Enterprise, the only time we see Porthos interacting with another animal is when he’s vacationing on Risa with John in “Two Days and Two Nights.” Their shady-ass neighbor during their stay has a Chinese crested named Rhylo, and the two puppies don’t seem to get along! All they do is growl at each other. Where was this Porthos when there were actual threats on the ship for our category above?

Winner: Spot. One word: KITTENS! You always win with kittens.

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5. Obedience

Spot: An entirely unnecessary sideplot during “Force of Nature” surrounds Data attempting to train Spot, to absolutely no avail. Geordi had apparently borrowed the feline to explore the lifestyle of cat ownership, and I’m sure he learned it wasn’t for him when Spot destroyed his stuff and then escaped. We also see that, while Data’s thought and effort to train Spot failed, her sneaky training of Data succeeded!

Porthos: A generally good boy most of the time, the only bad thing we could really blame on Porthos is when he pissed on the Kreetassans’ sacred tree in “A Night in Sickbay.” I’d mostly put the blame for that on Archer though, since he’s the one that brought the dog down planetside in the first place. A dog needs somewhere to piss after all, and we don’t even know what the protocol on the ship even is. Here’s hoping it was crewman Daniels that had to clean it up.

Winner: Porthos. What a good boy! Porthos generally doesn’t misbehave, especially when he might get some nice cheese as a treat. Spot on the other hand. She doesn’t even know that down is good and up is no.

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6. Advancing the plot

Spot: Spot’s presence on the ship was critical for a couple of episodes too. When Data’s “Ode to Spot” starts appearing around the ship in “A Fistful of Datas,” the crew get clued into there being something wrong with the ship’s systems. And of course it’s the fact that her kittens come out as kittens while the rest of the crew is devolving into mutants during “Genesis” that allows Data and Picard to figure out a way to get everyone back to their correct states of being.

Porthos: Obviously, Porthos was a main factor during “A Night in Sickbay,” where his illness was the motivator behind Archer’s whole emotional state. However, most of those emotions were various forms of anger directed at the Kreetassans. A less anger-inducing example comes in “Chosen Realm” when Archer sends the “do not feed him cheese” message to Phlox in order to covertly pass information to the doctor.

Winner: Spot. Listen, the kittens were a part of this again, and whenever the kittens come up, they get extra points.

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7. Inspirational quotes

Spot: Hey, it’s hard coming up with enough categories to fill a blogpost about two animals on Star Trek who are mostly there to give their owners something to care for. So consider this an excuse to talk about Data’s poem “An Ode to Spot” that we hear in “A Fistful of Datas.” It’s so damn cute for the android to want to express his feelings for his kitty, even when he’ll claim up and down that androids don’t experience emotions. This poem is proof!

Porthos: This one’s a stretch but it allowed me to include this category. When Porthos gets to go on an away mission in “Strange New World,” Tucker declares: “Where no dog has gone before.” Is it a good reference? Not really. But it’s certainly a milestone to have humans and canines making strides in the galaxy. That’s one small woof for a pup. One heckin’ bork for dogkind.

Winner: Spot. “An Ode to Spot” is so good there’s a whole Hallmark ornament of it. And when you press the button, it plays Data’s reading of the poem. The whole poem. That certainly beats a pun.

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8. Eating habits

Spot: This feline is known to be very picky. So picky that Data has arduously been sampling at least 221 different formulas to try to find something she likes, as we learn in “Phantasms.” She hasn’t liked most of them, though her favorite does seem to be supplement 25.

Porthos: Give this boy some cheese! We first see in “Fight or Flight” that Archer can’t resist those puppy eyes when they pine for a piece of cheese, even though it definitely upsets Porthos’s tummy. In “Dear Doctor,” he’s in medbay with gastrointestinal distress caused by too much dairy. When Phlox is caring for him, we also see the two of them snacking on leeches together in “Doctor’s Orders,” supposedly with the possible side effect of clearing out his intestinal tract. He also refused to eat liver with shredded cheddar, usually his favorite, when he was moping about the presumed dead Archer in “Storm Front.”

Winner: Porthos: Cheese is indeed delicious, so we can get onboard with at least some of Porthos’s culinary favorites. As for the leeches… Well, what flavor are they?

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9. Appearances in dreams

Spot: When Data is dreaming all over the place in “Birthright,” the whole escapade culminates with Spot in the captain’s chair on the bridge of the Enterprise-D and Data having a chat with his old man. Turns out it’s all been a part of Data’s programming, and seeing things that he connects with in his dreams is something Noonien Soong had planned as a next level for Data to explore. Thanks, dad!

Porthos: In the complete inverse of that whimsical (if stupid) Data plot, the dream that Archer has of Porthos in “A Night in Sickbay” is traumatizing. Archer is stressing out that Porthos won’t get over his Kreetassan illness and envisions a dog funeral attended by the rest of the crew. And then it turns into a sex dream about T’Pol (because they always do!) and it’s all just terrible.

Winner: Spot. Captain Spot! Now that’s an officer I can really get behind. And it’s a way better dream than a stress dream!

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10. Other versions

Spot: The final category that I could think of is mostly an excuse to share a screenshot of Spot after she’s turned into an iguana in “Genesis.” That episode is so damn ridiculous. The rest of the crew is morphing into cool monsters, but they literally just swap in a normal iguana for Spot. At least make a puppet! And we haven’t even touched on the early appearances of Spot when she was apparently a Somali cat. Wonder what happened there?

Porthos: While the hosts of A Star to Steer Her By rarely agree on our opinions of the mirror universe, the reveal of mirror Porthos in “In a Mirror, Darkly” is a damn fine gag. Instead of the sweet, lovable beagle that Porthos is in the prime universe, he’s a Rottweiler who looks like he really wants to take a chomp out of Mayweather. Ya know, like everyone in the mirror universe.

Winner: Porthos. Rotties are beautiful puppers, even if they often get a bad rap. It’s a good and fitting reveal to see this alternative version of Porthos, while it’s just confounding and a missed opportunity for Spot to be an iguana.

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Verdict

Did I consciously engineer this to end in a tie at 5 points apiece? Of course I did, and I’m glad it went this way because both Spot and Porthos are the best critters! We love them both, and it’s been a lot of fun having an excuse to highlight them for the blog this week. We could have created a tie-breaker question (like we did in the Yar-Ro post, which somehow ended up backfiring on us in the same way), but it’s really just the perfect conclusion because kitties and doggies are both good boys and girls!

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