It's very difficult when you realize certain people you want to try to keep in your life, also bring loads of unsolicited negativity towards other people. 😓 I know these people I've called my friends for a while now are NOT bad people. I see the good in them, as I always try to with every human being. And I know a big part of their socialization being attached to speaking ill of others is their own coping mechanism for things they are going though. As much as I try to understand that though and give them credit for accepting where they are and what they're going through that that's something they hold onto and use as a tool to cope with struggles in their own life, I'm not sure how much I can continue to warrant it or be around it. There was a time I was that person that threw angry and negativity towards others and as I've grown older I realize that was me trying to fill holes in my own heart and cope with my own shortcomings and self hatred towards myself. And in turn, dealing with it by being that kind of anger, judgment fueled person, not only was bad enough on its own but only supplied me with more fuel towards being that kind of person I hated and didn't want to be. It certainly doesn't help others and it certainly will never fill the hole in your heart. And over the years and the struggles I continue to go through in finding inner peace and self acceptance one major point I've wanted to dedicate to myself is becoming less and less of that person and even if I can't fully love and accept myself, at least be the kind of person I'd want to meet in the world as far as never hurting others weather it be to them directly or behind their backs with my thoughts and words. I may not always agree with what other people do, but life is such a bigger picture that we need to see it and treat it as such. If you have an issue with someone, talk to them openly and honesty working on wanting to gain something out of it weather it be growth for the other person, you or both of you. We're all human beings on this joinery no one understands and everyone is just as scared and confused not knowing what the fucks going on and what this is all about deep down as the next. Make the time here the best you can be being the kind of person towards others that you'd want to cross paths with. Spread the love you would want to revive. Understand people the way you'd want to be understood. And when there comes a time when things might be warranted to cut ties with another person, there is nothing wrong with doing so firmly and peacefully, letting it go. I just don't have the heart or the emotional capacity to be around other people speaking ill of other people and their lives. Like what if that was you? Everyone is going through something? You don't think they must be going through their own internal struggles to act out in hurtful ways? Let that alone be enough for them. Why feed that negativity and help it flourish back out into the universe by perpetuating it with your negativities and judgements that not only hurts them, but does nothing for you? It's a loose loose battle and we need to focus on love. That's at the very least what I want to try to stand by and live by as I'm here on this earth, if I'm gone tomorrow. I'm far from perfect and I want to know self love so bad and there's still so many things I hate myself for but I'm working on forgiving myself, and trying to give even the smallest bits of love and acceptance out into the interactions I have throughout my days. I want to be the change I want to see in the world. I want people to know that they are valuable and worth something and deserving of love and capable of being the loving beings we all are, and life people up, through my words and thoughts and intentions, not down, even if I can't give it to myself. And it's so hard to realize a group of people I've called friends for a while now are on another side of the spectrum. And I want to understand and know that that's their own way they're dealing with their inner pain, and it doesn't mean they're any less of people, but fuck I don't want to sit there and condone it. But it's so widely accepted and one of he main working social dynamics of that group that it's become a very powerful element that seems second nature and condoned and nurtured amount everyone. And here I am just happy to be at a point where I'm pushing myself to not isolate and see people, and then I see it happen as I'm with these people, and feel my gut go against it and feel heartbroken from being involved or around it and disappointed or betraying myself for allowing to be around it or selling them short by not using it as an opportunity to promote a different mindset and approach and change towards something on a higher plane. But I feel so outnumbered by it all as the majority feed off of one another and it becomes so powerful, I feel compelled to either keep quiet and feel isolated amongst friends, and then worse at some point or another because the social anxiety kicks in, conform to it and go along with it to a certain degree being totally untrue towards the morals and standards I have set for myself as the human being I want to be and myself as a whole at this point I've gotten to in my own journey and want to keep growing into. And then let that fear of keeping people in my life outweigh what I view as right and the path I want to be on and intentions I want to have. And then I feel sick. Sick at myself for allowing it, and sick at the fact that I even put any of the contribution in the laps of other people, who i call friends, and I know are only going through things themselves and are using tools like that to cope with things inside of them they're struggling with. So who am I to even think down on them? They're just as scared and hurt in their own ways as he people they dedicated time to speak ill towards? But then again how dare I compramised myself be being condoning it and feeding it when perhaps it could take one example of stepping up or walking away from it to plant a seed that not only helps me by removing it from my life but maybe gets the wheels turning in their heads to choose a different approach? But even tonight's my one friend was venting about one of her close friends she recently had a falling out with. And I understand to an extent needing to vent about things that hurt your heart. That's why friends are here but then it becomes something dangerous when it becomes perpetuated and turned into attempting to heal from the situation by talking down down down on the person that person went through the difficulties with. Like we still could've been there for her by just acknowledging her hardships with the friendship and heartache without tearing the other girl down? But that's all it becomes! 😖 I think it's at a point where all of my friends in that group have become so conditioned and dependent of coping with painful situations like that, that's it's ingrained in them as almost an automatic reaction. But that doesn't mean it's to late to ever change that? So sure enough my friends go in with the "fuck that stupid bitch" and "fuck her dumb bitch" and then start attacking her looks, and that's when I tried to step in. I tried to the best that I could without seeming like I was attacking anyone else but it got to a point where it was enough for me that I was starting to have that sick feeling in my gut and betraying myself and what I feel is right by sitting there condoning it. My own friend made a comment after many about how "I'm sorry she needs to learn how to look more presentable and do her hair and makeup and look decent at least" and I'm like ??? 😡😡😡 really? We're going to attack people for their fucking appearance and pass judgment on them, not for their character alone, where you can still always always try to rise above and meet them where they are and understand that even though it can be difficult to help both you and them heal and grow from it, but their fucking outward appearance? Sorry but what if someone attacked out for your appearance? If you can't see it and how horrible it is the other way around, at least try to look at it that way and realize how awful that is?? And so I finally thought that was my chance to speak up and say what I feel and said dude like don't attack someone for their looks, can we not do this? And my friend just got all taken aback and got this wide mouth insulted expression on her face like "woah so you're telling me?.... "And retaliated what I said to her. And without trying to perpetuate it into an attack or argument was like" ummmm yeah? I don't think that's cool." But it clearly created an extremely uncomfortable tensions to the point where my anxiety was peaking and I was prepared to leave if I was then targeted or belittled for vocalizing my opinions. But we both just kind of dropped it and it did as a whole and the night continued but that whole interaction was so embarrassing and demeaning and didn't warrant any kind of change or shift I was hoping for and instead I just felt targeted by my own friends for speaking out about it and I in turn sacrificed my further feelings about it the rest of the night to avoid it and allowed the continuation of the relentless bashing of countless others and even entertained it to a degree for the sake of social acceptance and I couldn't be more devastated and disgusted in myself. I can't continue to allow this for the sake of having those people around and not rocking the boat to please and condone behaviors I don't stand with. Like I don't want to be that or around that, and it's so hard because I want to give my fiends credit for the place that they're at that manifests in engaging in those things, and see the good in them. And yet I can't allow myself to sacrifice my own intentions for myself and what I want to put out in the world and be around/involved in that. And it's so hard. So much of the hardships and struggles that weather I like to give myself enough for because i never do, that is all a part of my growth on my own personal journey has been accompanied with so much isolation to learn to find what I'm looking for within myself, and I'm realizing that might even be if it means being alone. I need to be my own sanctuary and source of the things I seek and nurture that, and I have to accept after all the lessons I've overcome and continue to go though on this journey that it must come first. And yet even though I should feel I have a right to walk away from these things and give myself the peace and interactions I'm after for my soul, I can't even do that in this situation without feeling like me not condoning or speaking out against it or walking away from it is hurting those friends and it's so hard. I don't want to ever hurt other people, but I also don't want to sacrifice the things I seek and what I stand by and in turn hurt myself. Self growth and comfort do not go hand in hand. It seems I've always . It seems I've always compromise and sabotaged that myself because i wanted to reinforce that I'm a piece of shit, or to please others. lone standing by the person I wish to be in this lifetime, nourishing my own soul with love and understanding and good intentions. Even now I feel guilty for talking about other people talking about other people 😖😫😫 but I need to allow myself to remember that this is a safe neutral a peace to vent these thoughts and emotions for my own peace of mind, without directly patronizing others.
