#pbb2018

•

Kath was exhausted. Exhausted to the point where the word ‘exhausted’ seemed like an understatement. The day was long and strenuous, similar to the past week. Babies tend to do that to mothers, and Phil was no exception.

The insanity had begun on Thursday when the contractions had started. Friday it escalated into full on labor. Tons of bright lights, rushing doctors and nurses, and one worried husband all focused on Kath as she screamed in agony. What she thought to be the end was signaled by a piercing yet beautiful cry, but it was short lasted as the umbilical cord was wrapped loosely around the baby’s neck and he had to be rushed away.

When little Phil finally returned, wrapped in a blanket and wearing a pale blue cap, his time in Kath’s arms felt like but a moment before the insanity resumed.

After several tests and vaccinations, Kath was allowed to take Phil home. But only to be greeted there by an endless parade of relatives, friends, and near-strangers. It seemed like this present moment, sitting in her bed with a recently fed Phil in her arms, was the first peaceful one after nine months of madness. All the midnight cravings, morning sickness, and the rollercoaster of mood swings… it had definitely been a ride.

But now, if only for a short while, there was peace. Kath looked down at her son, fast asleep in her arms. The mood that resulted from his recent feeding had such euphoria that he had been lulled to a deep sleep. He looked to be at complete peace, which took away the edge of Kath’s fierce matrical instinct. What a relief.

Perhaps that feeling hadn’t been present for all nine months. The first time Kath had Phil on her mind he wasn’t yet ‘Phil’ or even a ‘he’. Just two little lines on a pregnancy test. Just a bundle of cells, just a tiny bump. But now Phil felt distinctly hers.

The moms in the neighborhood were what Kath thought was the cause for such defensive feelings towards her baby. Despite their outward kindness, they had ulterior motives. It took Kath a bit to realize this, however. The first news of the pregnancy made them swarm with delight.

‘Two Lester children. What a delight! Someone for Martyn to play with. Wouldn’t a little girl be sweet to have? Someone to dress up and talk to? Yes, a little girl would be wonderful!’

Their words won Kath over at first. She began to picture the baby as a girl. A girl to dress up, talk to, and relate with. A beautiful baby girl. However, a few weeks later, once the gender was revealed, the ladies seemed disappointed.

‘A boy? Ah, what a shame. Two boys, your house will never be at peace! Are you going to try for a girl?’

Listening to their words brought a shame over Kath, until something inside her reminded her of how ridiculous it was to discard her joy because she was having a son.

“I still think two is enough. And I think he will be a lovely, beautiful baby.”

After that statement, the get togethers with the neighborhood moms became infrequent. But Kath didn’t mind. Nigel had agreed with her when she voiced concern; two children would be wonderful, and there was no need for another just to have a girl. Two parents with two kids, the idea seemed good for them. One to put Martyn to sleep, as Nigel was doing now, and one to lull Phil, as Kath was.

She looked down at her son once again. He was just so…tiny. His little hand could hardly curl around her entire finger. Maybe it was her imagination, but she felt that Martyn had never been that little.

Voices from the past few days echoed in her head. ‘He’s quite tiny for a boy!’ ‘Don’t worry, he will hopefully grow big and strong soon!’ Kath quite liked him for his size actually. Maybe he wouldn’t always be that way, but Kath wouldn’t mind if he stayed that way forever.

The topic of his size brings many more characteristics that people expected little Phil to have. Becoming friends with all the little boys in the neighborhood, aceing football and joining the school team, getting all the girls…

But the baby in Kath’s arms was a blank slate. The only characteristic besides his physical appearance was his name. Philip Michael Lester. Kath smiled slightly; she was proud of what she named him.

At that moment, Phil twitched around as if he was dreaming. His mouth was open slightly and his head rolled from side to side. His eyes fluttered open as he woke up and began to softly cry.

Kath ran a hand over his smooth head and softly hushed him. His electric blue eyes met hers. She wondered if he would keep those eyes into adulthood.

As she continued to stroke him, his crying slowed to a stop, but the eye contact did not break. Looking into his eyes, Kath felt as if she was looking into the future, and she could almost see him rapidly aging right before her eyes. She wondered once again what would be in store for him in his life. What his first word would be, how he and Martyn would get on, where he would go in life, who he would marry. As she considered all of it, staring deep into her child’s eyes, Kath had a feeling that she would really like Phil- that Phil would be special.

All of that made her head spin though, and she focused her mind in the present, which was the little baby in her arms. She smiled widely, hopeful for the future of her little son.

By the time Nigel had finished putting Martyn to bed, he found both of them fast asleep in the position that he last left them.

•

Despite his beginning reluctance, Phil had adjusted well to school. The first few days had been filled with tears and homesickness, but by now, Phil loved school with such passion that he had declared the weekend to be his least favorite days. He had good reason to. He had a wonderful teacher who seemed to appeal to a variety of both children and parent’s interest, Phil had formed a group to play with during recess, and Phil was getting better at reading, writing, and maths at a rapid speed.

But as the kids aged, so did their knowledge of negative feelings and emotions. It was a Tuesday in September when Phil first learned of unwarranted criticism and disrespect.

Kath walked down to the edge of their driveway and waited for the bus that Phil rode home. As she shivered slightly, Kath became worried that she hadn’t put Phil in long sleeves today.

A few minutes past before Kath spotted the bus making its way up the street, and she smiled, excited to hear Phil talk excitedly about what he learned in school that day

The bus slowed to a stop and opened its doors

Phil got out with a frown clad across his face.

Kath’s face fell. Phil never frowned when coming home from school.

He slowly walked towards her while the bus pulled away. Once he reached her, he wordlessly continued his walk inside. Kath walked up next to him.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

Phil sniffed slightly

Kath stops him, kneels on the doorstep asked what’s wrong. Phil briefly glanced in the direction that the bus disappeared to and exhaled when he realised that it’s gone.

Phil had always been very specific with who he chose to share his emotions with, and Kath feels glad to have always been in that circle.

The first few sobs hit Phil as he turned to face her and she pulled him into a hug, holding tight to his tiny body while running her fingers through his blonde hair.

Kath felt her heart shriveling at the sound of her child in pain, and pain that she hadn’t been there to help him through.

“Do you want to go inside and have a snack? We can sit on the couch if you want,” Kath suggested.

Phil nodded into her side. With an arm around his shoulder, they both finished the journey inside together. Kath sat Phil down on the couch and got him his favorite flavor of applesauce and a purple spoon.

She let him get in a few bites before asking him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Phil just sniffled and buried his head into her stomach once again.

“Was it your teacher?” she suggested.

Phil shook his head no.

Kath began to suggest something else when Phil began to speak.

“It- It was two boys. Nate and.. Nate and Zach.”

Kath made an immediate mental note of their names. She would be having a stern talking to their mothers at the next school function.

“Nate and Zach,” she echoed, “What did Zach and Nate do?”

“They- they um- they started a football game and wanted me to play and- and when I said no they- they called me a sissy. And- and then, after snack Mrs. Kindle gave us our drawings back and they- they laughed at mine.”

Phil began to sniffle once again at this revelation and Kath pulled him into her chest once again and slowly rocked him back and forth.

They stayed that way for a bit. Kath kissing the same spot as her shirt dampened where Phil’s face was buried. She considered all the things that she could do for him at the moment. All the things that the parent books had recommended. Distract him from the problem, discuss ways he could solve his problem with the other kids, take him to the teacher to discuss the problem… It all made her head spin, so Kath just went with the first thing on her mind.

“Can I see your drawing?”

Phil shook his head.

Kath prompted him in a soft and slow voice,

“Are you sure, sweetie? I really want to see it.”

Phil seemed to finally agree. He slowly lifted his head, reached to unzip his backpack, revealed a piece of paper from its interior, and reluctantly handed it to his mum.

Kath took the paper from him and examined it.

Being a child, Phil’s art skills wouldn’t be considered brilliant by many. It was hard to make out that it was a dog, but Kath immediately noticed one thing on the picture. The dog’s face was clad with the widest smile that she had ever seen. A happy dog. It warmed her heart to the point where she couldn’t restrain a matching smile.

“I think that Nate and Zach don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s a wonderful dog.”

Phil looked at her, doubt clouding his eyes.

“Don’t pay any attention to them Phil. You did an amazing job, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

Phil smiled a little bit at the compliment.

“How about we get some magnets and hang it up on the refrigerator?” Kath asked.

Phil inhaled deeply and slowly nodded.

As Kath led him to the kitchen, she pondered her quality of parenting. What would Phil gain out of this experience- if anything? Should she have taught him to stick up for himself? Or to report bad behavior to authority? Perhaps…

But as Phil hung his drawing up with a wide smile, Kath believed that Phil had learned a valuable skill that day.

To never let anyone’s insults get the best of him.

And she believed that he would follow through.

•

It was a crisp fall day. The cool summer wind was beginning to have a bite to it. Phil was out playing with some of the neighborhood kids, a common occurrence these days. Though Phil wasn’t exactly ‘popular’, he always seemed to be surrounded by friends. They’d cause him to be out all weekend, spend hours chatting on the computer, and rush outside after school before he could hear Kath yell at him to wear a coat.

Today had been a busy and stressful day for Kath, and she felt as if her entire family had abandoned her as she made dinner alone.

Nigel had ran off with work friends. Though he’d briefly returned home, after he grabbed a new set of clothes and placed a quick kiss on her forehead, he vanished.

Martyn was off at work, which seemed to be consuming the small amount of free time that he once set aside for family.

And Phil… to be honest Kath wasn’t entirely sure where Phil was. She hardly was these days. He had taken a sudden interest to these film project things. With the help of his friends, he would pour his heart, souls, and mind into them.

Though the Lester house had often been the center of meeting and planning, the kids rarely filmed inside and they would be off before she knew it with hardly a goodbye to alert her.

They usually stayed out for a while, but it had been a while since the time of Phil’s usual return. Kath thought about it more and started to worry about Phil, as the autumn nights were not as forgiving as the days. In addition, she had a hunch that Phil hadn’t put on a jacket as he left like she had told him to. Kath’s eyes drifted to her watch. 7:57. Dear lord, where was that child?

She sighed and looked at the leftovers she had warming on the stove, ready for her son’s return.

At 8:02, she began to pace.

What if he had gotten lost, or he had gotten hurt? She had heard news of children being kidnapped in the news. What if Phil had been…

No, she couldn’t even bear to imagine it.

It was 8:08 when Kath heard the sound of the door opening followed by Phil’s cry of ‘Mum, I’m home!’

Frankly, Kath didn’t know whether to be upset or relieved. But as a mother, her first emotion was a wave of relief.

Phil came into the kichten- as she suspected: coatless, and with a pale face and dust all over his clothes- but with no sight of injury.

“Phil where have you been? Have you seen the time? I was about to call someone for you. It’s almost dark!”

Phil hung his head.

“I’m sorry mum, but we needed the perfect lighting! Ben’s mum knew that we were there…”

“Well I didn’t. Phil, you didn’t even ask permission! I hope that you have all your homework done…”

In an instant, Phil’s eyes darted away from his mother.

Kath felt fury bubble inside her.

“How much?”

Phil’s voice suddenly got very high and small,

“Just er… just a few maths problems on a worksheet, and this reading thing… everything else isn’t due till later though…”

God, what had that boy been thinking? Had she taught him no responsibility?

“Philip Michael Lester, you know the rules, and you disobeyed them! Now I want you to go to your room immediately and start on your homework. You can have your dinner when you’re finished.”

Phil’s cerulean eyes found her’s with a sudden desperation and shock.

“But I..”

“You should’ve thought about that before coming home late, GO!”

Phil quickly turned and did a fast walk away and up the stairs.

Kath groaned and rubbed her forehead. Despite his need for it, Kath hated scolding Phil. He was never malicious in intent and always good-hearted, but sometimes that boy just didn’t think.

By the time Nigel came home, Kath was near passed out on the couch, watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire and muttering the answers to the questions.

“Hello, Love,” he greeted, followed by a kiss, longer than the one he had left her upon going out. She gave him a weak smile and expression riddled with exhaustion.

“Where are the children?” he asked.

“Martyn just called and said that his manager kept him late to clean up a birthday party mess. He’ll be home in a few minutes and he said that he already ate.”

“Alright, has Phil had dinner then?”

Kath stretched and prepared to answer yes when she suddenly remembered her previous encounter with her youngest.

She looked at her watch- 9:56.

“Oh dear, he hasn’t. I scolded him earlier for coming home late, and he’s been doing homework since. I should get him his supper…”

Regret started to prick at Kath’s sides. What was she thinking? That poor boy must be starving by now.

With a sudden rush of energy, she hurried to get Phil’s dinner for him, along with a drink and some of his favorite crisps. Carefully balanced the dishes in her arms, she made her way up the stairs.

She was nearing the top when she heard a weak noise coming from Phil’s room and she paused. It wasn’t a video game or a voice, but a soft whimpering.

“Phil?” she called softly.

No response. She continued to his door, knocked, and slowly pushed it open when there was no response.

Phil was slumped on his desk, his maths book open and his head down in between the pages, sobbing quietly.

The prickles of guilt in Kath intensified. Had she done this to her son?

“Phil? Are you okay?”

Phil slowly lifted his head to look at his mother with red eyes and began to let his words spill out.

“It’s- It’s just I- I can’t figure out this pr-problem. School has gotten too hard and- and I just want to go back to last year when I- I liked my teachers and didn’t ha-have all this work. I-I don’t want to go to secondary school..”

By this point, Kath had already wrapped her arms around Phil. She let him bury his face in her arms and just sob again. She should’ve been there for him, over the past month she had felt that he had been struggling with homework.

“Hey hey, it’s okay. I can help you, yeah?”

Phil sniffed back snot and nodded, but after a passing moment broke down into Kath’s arms again. Kath was a tad worried, it had been a long while since Phil had let her see him cry like this.

“Why don’t you take a break? Let’s go to the bed. You can eat your dinner there, just this once.” She smiled at Phil, hopeful that he would return it, but what he showed her was fake and weak.

Phil got up, his fingers tracing over the unanswered math problems, and his bloodshot eyes running up and down the paper before going to his bed and letting his body fall on its side.

Kath sat down next to him and ran her hand over his side several times, and having it eventually end up wiping the tears off of his face.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sweetie,” she whispered.

Phil inhaled, his breath trembling and began.

“It’s just.. Everything. Everything seems different than last year. All my friends are in other classes, and when I see them after school they all seem to have met other people… and Steve just got a girlfriend, and I- I thought that no one would date till we were older but now everyone is and I just- I don’t want a girlfriend right now. And on top of all that the work is so much harder now and every night they give us more and more homework and-and how can they expect us to have fun and be children with all- all this work it’s crazy. I just…”

A sob wracked Phil’s body, and Kath laid down next to him and pulled him closer to her, hushing him softly as she rocked his body, which was still small as he hadn’t quite begun puberty yet. Part of her wished that he would never grow, and that she could send him back a year or so.

But children only grow one way, and he would soon be growing and changing his mind about dating and wanting to leave the house… Kath pulled her son even closer to her body and kissed his forehead.

“It’ll get better, Phil. I promise that it’ll get better from here. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many places to go, things to do, people to meet… you have so much more than everything before today. And it will get harder, but you can still be you. If you don’t want a girlfriend, then don’t get one! And for homework, maybe you could go see a tutor or ask your teacher questions. I know that you’re much more shy than here or with your friends, but they will help you, they want you to succeed. As for your friends, you still see them almost every day, and you could possibly find some others this year. Itll all be okay, Phil. It’ll all work out in the end.”

“But I- It’s just so hard at school and I don’t know if I can do it.”

“You can do it. You’ve gotten through so much so far, and you’ve got me, Dad, and all your friends and teachers. You’re smarter and stronger than you realize.”

Phil’s eyes met hers, still trembling but with a certainty glazed over them.

“You think so?”

Kath smiled.

“I know so.”

Phil pulled away slightly, his eyes meeting hers, looking slightly less red than before. He opened his mouth to speak, but then decided against it and fell into a hug with his mom.

Kath returned the hug tightly, and at that moment wished for happiness for her son. She wished that his happiness would come quick and beautiful, and remain with him till his dying breath. But until then, she would hug and comfort him. For the rest of the evening, for the rest of the night, and until he found peace. But the stillness and silence of the present moment made a sweet, artificial peace for that moment.

“Mum?” Phil’s voice was quiet.

“Yes?”

“Promise you won’t tell Martyn about this?”

Kath smiled at the comment, but answered seriously, “Of course.”

She wouldn’t tell him that only two nights ago she had promised Martyn the same thing after he had a breakup.

•

Phil had never been too successful with relationships. Or keeping them at least. Kath never saw enough of the details to know the difference.

Despite now having only one son in the house, Kath sometimes felt like she was more distant from Phil than ever.

He was always with friends, always on the Internet chat room. The latest technology that Kath understood was their somewhat new television set, the internet was still confusing to her.

The only snapshots of Phil’s life that she got was the parts that got sent home from school, and the occasional information that he would share with her.

The television was on and Katherine Lester was the only one currently watching it, and she honestly didn’t even know what she was watching. Nigel was out working on the garden. She would be out there too if the sun wasn’t barely floating above the horizon and her hip didn’t ache.

But in addition, a little part of her was hoping that Phil would come downstairs and talk to her. He usually came down in the evenings, but these past few days he always scarfed down his supper and practically ran to the computer. Maybe Kath could ask him what he was even doing on the computer that was more important than his mother.

If he ever came down.

Kath sighed and attempted to pay attention to the television program. The channel that occasionally played Buffy was on, but it was some other drama that was currently playing. She would watch Buffy with her son, she didn’t have an obsession that was anything like his, but she did enjoy it. Having no interest in the show currently on, she flipped to the news.

It wasn’t more than ten minutes before she heard the familiar creak of the stairs and her head spun around. A figure cloaked in a dark hoodie slipped from the stairwell and into the kitchen.

Kath couldn’t help but smile at her intuition, she knew Phil’s appetite, and when he had hardly touched his dinner she knew that he’d eventually be down for more, so she had left it in the microwave. But the object in the returning figure’s hand wasn’t a plate, but a rather large container of ice cream. Suspicion flickered in Kath’s eyes.

“Phil?” she called.

The footsteps stopped and there was a pause before a weak ‘yes?’ was uttered.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked.

Phil was quiet.

Something was wrong.

“Phil?” Kath said quietly.

A quiet snuffle preceded his response. “It’s-It’s nothing..”

His voice cracked slightly on the end.

“Do you want to come over here?” Kath asked, then quickly added, “You don’t have to talk about it.”

Phil swayed in spot slightly, then nodded and walked over to Kath.

She held open her arms and Phil let himself cuddle into them, surprising Kath at how willingly he had submitted to her love, something that he hadn’t really done in years. It was more difficult than it had once been, as puberty had left Phil towering over her and frankly, a good part of the population.

Just when she was about to prompt him, Phil just burst into tears. Not just a few tears running down his face, not just a bit of quiet sobs like at the end of a sad movie, heartbreak tears.

Pain rose in her chest at seeing her son like this. She had always believed that heartbreak was a part of life, and that her son was no exception to this. But seeing the expression of pain on his face was almost too much to bear.

She almost let herself run her fingers through Phil’s hair, but she remembered the amount of time he spent gel-ing it and held herself back. She didn’t want to make him more angry. Instead she ran her hand up and down his arm, pressing enough so that he could feel it through his thick hoodie.

It was several minutes before Phil spoke.

“It’s over,” he whispered in a horse voice.

Though much more context wasn’t needed to make a guess on what Phil was referring to, Kath decided not to assume.

“What is, sweetie?”

“Hailey and I. Almost- almost four months and it’s just- it’s just over.”

Pity filled her heart. Hailey had been Phil’s longest going relationship. Unlike many others, Kath had actually met Hailey several times. She didn’t like Hailey as much as many of Phil’s close friends, but she wasn’t a bad kid. Until she hurt her son like this.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Phil shook his head into her stomach.

She decided to let her son just cry, as there wasn’t too much else that she could do right now to help. Just let him know that he is loved. Being a teenager who had been rejected several times and didn’t always have the self esteem that he was so good at faking, he might not believe her. But she would never give up her effort to show him her love, nonetheless.

She kissed his forehead softly and continued her rubbing of his arm. His sobs were slowly lessening as they turned into shaky breaths. And to Kath’s surprise, he began to talk.

“I really think I loved her. And I thought she loved me. But for the past month or so she’s been avoiding me, and tonight I finally got the courage to confront her and she tells me that she’s fallen for.. for someone else. And she doesn’t even want to be friends anymore. I just- just don’t know what I did wrong.”

He paused to let a sob out.

“I don’t understand why it never works and they never like me. I give them attention but not too much, and I get them gifts but don’t expect anything back, I tell them I love them when I mean it…”

Phil had reached the point where he couldn’t continue anymore and just began to sob into Kath again.

Kath considered what say to him. This hadn’t been the first time that they had had this conversation, and Kath has usually told him the same thing. The whole ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ conversation. However, this time things seemed different. After a long line of unsuccessful ones followed by a long one that he favored, it no longer seemed that one was comforting enough. Kath sighed as she ran a hand through Phil’s hair, forgetting about Phil’s hair styling yet Phil didn’t seem to care.

“You know how old I was when I met your father?” Kath asked. She answered herself.

“I was twenty six. I had graduated university several years before, most of my friends had already been married, and there had been many men before that I had considered marrying, just to have that someone. But my friends helped me to realize that rushing into a relationship wouldn’t bring the trust and love that waiting for the perfect one. Hailey was nice, but she wasn’t perfect for you. And someday you’ll meet someone who is.”

“But- why does it have to hurt so much?” Phil asked in between sobs.

“It’s not fair, and I wish it didn’t have to happen to you, but the experience will prepare you for when you someday meet the perfect person. That’s the downside of love, there’s always a sacrifice. It’s up to you to decide if you think it’s worth it at the moment. You can always take a break from dating and focus on school, friends, and taking care of yourself.”

She went over her words in her head, checking that she hadn’t used exclusively female pronouns. Almost a year ago, Phil had revealed his sexuality by shouting across the house that he would be going out with his boyfriend. Kath couldn’t have predicted it, but the idea hadn’t taken too long for her to comprehend. Though every now and then she would mess up on assumptions of Phil’s future partners.

Phil thought once again, probably making sure that he said the right words for the moment.

“I’m not giving up,” he said, “I never will. But right now, I think I’ll take a break from searching for people on the chat rooms and just have some fun.”

Kath kissed his forehead.

“You don’t have to take my advice if you don’t want to.”

Phil looked up at her.

“True, but I wouldn’t have come downstairs if I didn’t.”

Kath smiled at him and he returned the gesture. After a brief moment, Phil laid his head back down, taking in the comforting scent of his mother.

Kath’s eyes caught the DVD remote, and she gently took hold of it, attempting to not disturb her son. Knowing the disc that lay in the player, she hit play.

Phil’s head shifted as Buffy’s familiar voice filled the room and another smile grew over his face.

Kath didn’t like that her son was hurting over love, something that he desired so deeply. His love for family and love itself shone through his appreciation for his family and little cousins. Everyone in the family knew it from the way the kids’ eyes lit up when they saw him: Phil would make a good husband and a good father.

But that day was far away from this one. As of right now, Phil could just be her son that needed a mother’s comfort.

•

There was no doubt that Phil was an adult now. A young adult, still figuring out taxes and money, but an adult nonetheless.

He had gone to uni, found a passion and career, and moved in with someone; Kath was now merely a background character in his life. Someone to visit on the holidays and call every now and then.

Though it was now a part of the year where Phil would usually see her two times with only a month between.

Kath was sitting in the living room, the tv was on but she wasn’t watching. Rather, she was watching out the window, looking to see if any snow would fall from the sky to welcome Phil home. Maybe he would stay longer if it snowed.

Her mind drifted to the snowiest day ever when he brought Dan over. They had made cookies that night together, Dan had stayed up to help her decorate the whole batch.

Kath’s phone snapped her out of her thoughts. Just as she had been getting used to her flip phone, Martyn and Phil had insisted that she couldn’t live in the modern world without an Apple Phone. Frankly, with all its apps and options and huge price tag, she was still afraid of it. At least she could understand how to read the message from Phil that was apparent in the screen.

“Great! Boarding the train now, can’t wait to see you”

Kath smiled. She texted back,

“Can’t wait to see you two!”

Though it wasn’t the same as him living in the house, she loved him coming over with Dan. As Dan had gone from the mysterious internet boy to Phil’s partner in all aspects of life, Kath had fallen in love with him. He had been with Phil longer than any of the others had and had the ability to make Phil giggle like he was the little blonde boy in Kath’s arms again. Kath definitely liked Dan, even though his and Phil’s career had stolen them from her. London was far, but that’s why they had days like today.

Her phone beeped again. She still jumped, but a bit less this time.

“Dan’s not coming this time around.”

Kath’s heart sunk and shuddered at the same time.

Was everything okay between them?

She began to text out the question but then deleted it. This wasn’t a conversation to have over text.

“Okay.” She replied, and set her phone down.

Her hand came up to her temple in frustration. When had been the last time she saw Phil with Dan?

Now that she thought about it, it had been a while. November? October? Sometime in the autumn they had come up for a weekend. They both seemed fine then, maybe a little quiet, but they didn’t seem like they didn’t want to be there. Maybe she just hadn’t noticed something.

But Kath stopped herself before her head could twist together more stories, she was making assumptions. She could be completely wrong. Sweet, warm scents from the kitchen caught her nose at that moment and she decided that it was time to check on Phil’s cake.

-

It was a few hours later when Phil came arrived.

Kath left the kitchen at the feeling of the cold air and the the sound of her son’s voice greeting her following the opening of the door.

Turning the corner, she saw him standing there, dressed in black winter wear that matched his black hair that was shorter than the last time that she saw him. He didn’t look upset or sad, he was happy to be there. But his eyes were slightly glazed over as if he wasn’t fully in the moment.

“Hello Mum,” he said, almost sighing.

She smiled and held out her arms to hug him. He returned her smile as well as her hug. His jacket was almost cold enough to make her jump back. Did they even heat those trains anymore?

“Oh dear, Phil, go by the fire you’re freezing!”

Phil smiled down at her and chuckled a bit before nodding.

He began to strip off his coat and Kath offered to hang it in the closet. As Phil wistfully walked over to the fire, Kath noticed the door was still hanging open and went to close it. She found herself gazing down the driveway, half expecting another tall figure with a fringe to appear. Her heart hurt a bit, Dan should be with them.

When she turned back to Phil, he was sitting on the couch, watching the tv with the same glazed eyes. There had to be something on his mind.

Kath cleared her throat and Phil’s eyes met hers.

“Happy Birthday, by the way. How was the trip here?” She asked.

“It was good. Fine,” Phil replied.

His eyes left hers. She almost never saw him this quiet on his birthday. She knew she should probably mention something else but she couldn’t resist it. “Pity Dan couldn’t be here.”

Phil looked confused for a second before replying.

“Yeah, yeah. He had to edit a video, so he couldn’t make it.”

Phil was a bad liar. At least to Kath. He could never keep eye contact while telling her a lie. She gave him something he had once referred to before as the ‘mum stare’, but he was still avoiding eye contact.

But it was that moment when Nigel walked in, wished Phil a happy birthday and reached out to hug his son. The conversation was dropped.

About an hour later, family and friends began to arrive.

Phil had pushed for a small party, but Kath had insisted that some of his favorite people come. It was still a small party, but not small enough where they would be left with cake for weeks.

And Phil did seem happy, but his usual bright smile was missing. Kath suspected that the fact that his usual companion was missing had to do with it.

Most of the party was spent catching up. While everyone wanted to wish the birthday boy well, everyone eventually gravitated to separate groups. Kath had selfishly invited some of the parents of Phil’s school friends over to talk to, and while the young adults talked in the living room, they laughed and reminisced in the kitchen. Some still had kids in the house, but some had been alone for years. But they all seemed to find something to talk about.

When Kath called the kids in for cake, most had smiles, but there was a slight distance between each of them, as if they were from entirely different worlds now. Leaving the house seemed to do that.

Kath remembered previous years when Dan would be standing behind Phil as he blew out the candles, his cheering cut short as Phil pulled him into a brief kiss. A bit of a Lester tradition that Phil had first observed behind cracked fingers as his parents kissed on their respective birthdays. Kath wondered what Phil was thinking this year as he blew out his candles and had to stop himself from turning around.

Before long, people began to filter out, Phil cheerfully bidding them farewell. Her son was so good at burying emotions.

Once the last person had left, Kath found him sprawled over the couch as if he hadn’t rested in weeks.

She heard a familiar chuckling behind her and turned to see her husband laughing at the same sight.

“You look beat!”

Phil nodded.

“I know how you feel, son. I’m going to head off to bed if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Phil replied. “Goodnight, Dad.”

“Happy Birthday, Phil,” he said with a grin, before turning to kiss Kath and disappear.

Once he was gone, Kath sighed and said,

“As he gets older, interaction wears him out more. We haven’t had that many people in the house in a while.”

Phil just nodded.

There were a few beats of silence.

“So have things been? Is the radio show going well?” Kath asked.

“Yeah. Busy, but busy is good,” said Phil.

“YouTube going well, too?”

“Yeah. More and more people watching every day, actually. Dan- um, Dan’s almost got a million subscribers actually.”

At the mention of Dan’s name he seemed to tense up a bit.

“Really? That’s amazing!” Kath exclaimed.

Phil smiled slightly and nodded.

“How is he doing?”

Phil’s smile faded.

“I- er- well… he’s been alright, but lately he’s been a bit off, to be honest.”

Kath’s heart increased.

“Off?”

Phil nodded.

“Yes. He can’t seem to get himself to do videos on time, he lies alone for days on end, leaves without telling me and without his phone… and then there’s the outbursts.”

“What sort of outbursts?”

Phil’s face scrunched as if he was in pain.

“He yells at me for the littlest things, refuses to talk to me, threatens…”

Phil’s voice broke and a sob escaped him.

“He threatened to leave me! And I know he didn’t mean it but he might’ve and I don’t know what’s wrong with him but I can’t let him do this alone. I can’t.. I can’t..”

Kath hurried over to Phil to hug him as full out sobs escaped his body. He wrapped his arms around her tightly as the sobs shook him. Kath ran her fingers through his hair and slowly rocked him back and forth.

“It’ll be okay, Phil,” she whispered.

“But what if it isn’t?” he protested.

“If Dan breaks up with you, I know you can still find happiness. But I don’t think he is going to leave you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, the way you make him laugh. He loves you, Phil. He is just a bit lost right now.”

Phil’s grip on Kath began to subside with his sobs. He pulled away, wiping his tears, and made eye contact with his mother.

“But what should I do?”

Kath pondered the question.

“I’m not sure there’s much that you can do besides being patient with him. He needs to seek out a way to help himself, he can’t be forced.”

Phil laughed through his tears.

“Dan is so damn stubborn, though.”

Kath returned the laugh.

“Just like your father. Trust me, you can make him listen to you. You have already made thousands of strangers around the world listen to you, Dan shouldn’t be any different.”

Phil sniffled once more and then wiped his face.

“I love you, mum. I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough.”

Kath felt tears pricking her eyes and pulled him into a hug.

“You’ll be okay,” she told him.

“You both will.”

•

Everything had already been falling right into place when Kath got the call.

Even with both of her children out of the house, she still saw them both as much as she could. And her boys were both thriving. Martyn had even gotten married the year prior.

But Phil, he was just radiating.

He and Dan had so much success as well as happiness.

The book release, the end of the show (both of them), the adoption of their dog; the happiness for her son was never ending.

Everything was just warm and happy.

And then the call came.

Phil was in the hospital.

The black cab pulled up to the country house just outside of Manchester. As it was February, there were no plants growing and there was no sun shining. Yet winter somehow looked good on the house. The powdery snow and hanging ice coating the house was much too beautiful for the grim situation at hand.

Kath remembered Phil texting her pictures of the cottage. ‘A perfect place for a little vacation,’ he had told her. It was beyond her why they would take a vacation in one of the most miserable months to a Northern city when they had the money to go somewhere nice, but they seemed to be having fun, so Kath didn’t ask questions.

It wasn’t a bad idea. The house was close enough to the city to easily go out, but far enough for peaceful nights. Peaceful nights, it seemed, were the couple’s new favorite kind of night. It humored her how much they had changed from the adventurous young couple they had once been. Age was beginning to get to them.

She opened the car door and got out, reaching behind her to pick up the peonies that she had gotten for Dan. They had originally been for Phil, but as he was unconscious, he couldn’t appreciate them too well. He would be fine once he woke up, Kath was sure of it. But Dan needed the gesture. It was weird to bring flowers to someone for well wishes of her own son, but she knew that it would be appreciated by Dan.

As she looked to her left, Nigel caught her eye. They gave each other a gaze of solemn reassurance before turning their attention to the door. Kath’s grip tightened around the flowers as they walked up to the entrance. The petals tickled her nose.

They stopped at the top of the final step and Nigel leaned forward slightly to ring the doorbell.

A muffled barking replied to the noise as they waited. The door handle buckled and the door swung open. Kath found herself looking up at a familiar face. Standing in the doorframe was Daniel Howell, his head merely centimeters from the top. He was without the usual air of happiness that he had radiated in recent years. As he spoke, even the wind seemed to soften so to listen.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming. Come on in.”

Kath smiled sympathetically and held out the flowers in his direction. He looked at them as if they were a foreign object for a moment, then the confusion left his focus and he gently took them and said thank you. She almost pulled him into a hug, but he gestured for them to follow him inside and began to retreat back into the house.

He shut the door behind them once they had entered and politely asked if they wished to hang up their coats and hung them up nicely when they said yes. Though Phil had often said it was all an act, Kath genuinely believed that Dan was one of the politest people that she had met of the younger generation.

As they moved into the living room, Kath observed Phil and Dan’s dog watching them curiously from the corner. She didn’t seem to remember Kath very well, which was understandable as Kath hadn’t seen her in person many times. The second thing that caught her eye was Dan’s frantic movements to clean the sofa so they could sit down. As he threw things into the trash, Kath noticed the amount of tissues that resided there. Just as they were sitting down, Dan immediately ran into the kitchen, muttering something about serving guests and guacamole. Nigel’s look caught Kath, conveying the exact thought on he mind: this poor man is a mess.

He returned a moment later looking slightly more put together and was carrying a tray of crisps and guacamole.

“Phil and I made this the evening before last,” he said as he placed it on the table, his hand shaking slightly.

“I guess we should finish it while we can,” he finished.

Kath rested her hand over his and his surprised eyes met hers.

“Thank you, Dan. It means a lot to us,” she said.

Dan smiled softly for a moment before pulling back.

“Thank you for coming. I know you probably would’ve come anyway for him, but thank you for seeing me.” He gave another small smile and sat in the chair opposite them.

Kath picked up a chip and Nigel followed suit. After scooping some guacamole, she ate the small chip in a single bite, Dan watching her carefully as he waited for a reaction.

Maybe it wasn’t the best guacamole, but it was worlds better than the stale airline food that had kept her fed for the last few hours. She smiled as she swallowed.

“We should put you down for guacamole for next summer,” Nigel commented.

Dan’s face went a bit rosy as he smiled.

“Thank you, but Phil made most of it. I just helped.”

“Well you and Phil did great. He never used to cook anything special before you,” Kath commented.

“I never really did before him, either. I didn’t even know how to make pasta. It was bad,” Dan replied, a slight smile appearing on his face.

They all laughed a bit. But it was only a for a moment before the melancholy mood set back over the room.

“Have you seen him today?” Nigel asked.

Kath bit her tongue. She knew they had to talk about it eventually, but she was hoping that time would never come.

Dan nodded.

“I spent the whole first night with him, but I had to come back for Molly. She’s spent nights alone before, but never really more than that and I couldn’t get anyone to watch her on such short notice. I came back midday Saturday and they told me he’d be in surgery until early today. I came back and waited for about five hours but then they told me he couldn’t have any visitors until tonight.”

Dan ran his hands through his curls in frustration.

“They never told you that he needed surgery?” Kath questioned.

Dan shook his head sadly.

“They said that they’re not legally required to because I’m not a family member.”

Kath found herself staring at Dan’s bare ring finger. ‘Soon,’ Phil had told her just a few months prior at Christmas. He had even showed her the ring. She had been genuinely ecstatic. After years of hearing that Dan was the one, Kath had been beginning to wonder if they were just uninterested in marriage. Call her traditional, but Kath would give anything to see her youngest get married. And for Dan to be her legal son-in-law.

“They should’ve at least given you a call,” Nigel said.

Dan sighed sadly.

“At least I can see him tonight.”

He stood up suddenly and clapped his hands onto his legs.

“I reckon I should probably show you to your room? You can get unpacked and then call an Uber and go to the hospital.”

Kath and Nigel simultaneously stood up.

“Sounds good,” Kath said, smiling softly at Dan.

He returned it briefly before turning away.

“I should probably warn you, he doesn’t look very good.”

They were alone in the hospital elevator, going slowly up the the head injury ward. Kath was hoping that Phil would be conscious, but Dan was just hoping that he could see him.

“We’ll be okay. We’ve seen him pretty bad before,” Kath replied.

Dan opened his mouth to say an additional thing, but the elevator doors opened in that moment and he closed his mouth.

The small group shuffled up together to the lady who was behind the front desk. She looked to be one sip of coffee away from sleep, as she could hardly keep her head up for shuffling through her paperwork. Upon hearing their distant footsteps, she straightened her back and turned to greet them. Because of the way her smile widened when she set her eyes on Dan, Kath suspected that they had already been acquainted previously during his previous attempts to see Phil.

“Hello! Are you here to see Phil Lester again?” She asked cheerfully.

“Yes. Also, these are his parents, would it be alright if they come as well?” Asked Dan.

“Of course, sweetie! Doctor Irving may want to see an ID, but I’m sure it’ll be fine!”

Kath held back a smile at the comment. Dan, who was over six feet tall and almost thirty years old being called sweetie by the tiny nurse was humorous to her. By the slight clenching of Dan’ jaw muscles, Kath could tell Dan was not in the mood for pet names.

“Okay, thank you,” he said politely but stiffly.

They walked to the nearly empty waiting area and sat down near the corner. It was oddly quiet between them for about a minute. Kath made conversation to save them from the ‘what if’s’ buzzing around their heads.

“Has she been the one to take you to Phil before?” Kath asked.

Dan nodded, keeping his eyes on the tiled floor.

“Yeah. She’s been nice to me.”

“Sweetie?” Kath brought up in a small voice. She saw Nigel smile as Dan lifted his focus to Kath and shake his head with a smile.

“Don’t tell Phil. He’ll tease me about it for weeks!”

“Does this happen often?” she asked, amused.

“Constantly. Phil thinks it’s because I have a ‘baby face’.But I think he’s just jealous of the attention.”

Kath wanted to respect the few other waiting families, but she couldn’t hold in her laugher anymore.

“Though I know how much he loves to tease you, he has a point,” she replied.

Dan gasped dramatically.

“No I do NOT!” His voice squeaked slightly on the end.

Kath felt her body shake with laughter, and she could see Dan reacting in a similar matter. It wasn’t often she had interactions like this with Dan, but as time went on, he felt more and more like a son as he opened up to her.

“Katherine…”

Nigel’s soft voice interrupted her laughter and she noticed a doctor approaching them.

“Mr. and Mrs. Lester, I presume?”

The serious voice in the nearly empty waiting room killed the banter instantly. Nigel, who had been sitting quietly through all the banter, first stood up to face him.

“Yes?”

“I’m head of the cranial injury department, and in charge of your son’s recovery,” said the doctor.

Nigel reached out to shake his hand and Kath stood up to do the same, but the man pointed at his other hand which was covered in a blue glove. Kath guessed she and her husband were sanitary hazards.

“How is he?” Kath asked.

“He is conscious, but sleeping. I’d prefer if you didn’t wake him,” he replied.

He gestured for them to follow him and began to walk down one of the empty halls.

“How long till he is discharged?” Dan asked.

“It’s hard to say. It could be a day or two, it could be a few weeks. We’ll see how his scan looks after it comes back.”

Kath heard Dan give a small sigh of frustration.

Doctor Irving paused at a door and took a ring of keys out of his pocket.

“You’ll need to put on hand sanitizer before you go in,” he said as he opened the door. He backed into it and gestured for them to go in, and Kath went into the darkened room.

But as she was entering, she heard a voice behind her.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid you can’t go in.”

“Wait, sorry? I- I’m his- they let me in on Friday, I was the one who brought him in! We’ve lived together for almost a decade!”

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

She turned around and went back to the doorway.

“Excuse me, Doctor. This man is my son’s partner and is a part of our family. Would you please let him in?”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Lester. Immediate family only.”

She opened her mouth to say something but Dan waved her off.

“It’s fine. I’ll meet you guys back at the house.”

“Dan-”

“It’s okay. I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll see you later.”

Before she could get in another word he was retreating quickly to the elevator.

Phil hadn’t actually looked too bad. Pretty swelled and bruised, but in his sleep he just looked peaceful. It had felt wrong seeing him without Dan. While Phil is her son, she knows Dan loved Phil just as much as she did.

There was no need to stay long, as Phil desperately needed his sleep. They thanked the doctor, and walked back to the elevator while trying to remember how to call an Uber. Luckily, being in a big city meant that there was a surplus of Uber drivers. By the time the winter air bit at their faces, their car was already in front of them.

Soft jazz floated through the car during the lethargic drive back. The car was much warmer than the hospital and seemed to calm Kath down and even make her sleep. It would all be okay. Phil would be out before they knew it. She could watch some program with Dan tonight and talk with him.

The house still looked like a winter dream, but the darkness and few distant street lamps gave it a more ominous feel.

Nigel unlocked the door with the key Dan had provided them and held the door open for Kath.

“Dan?” Nigel called.

The response was a pitter patter of paws and barking as Molly ran up to greet them.

But no Dan.

“Hello?” Kath called. There was no response.

“He might be asleep in the bedroom,” Nigel suggested.

“He might not though,” Kath let out a worried sigh. “I think that I should give him a call.”

Nigel nodded in agreement and left Kath to call while he checked the bedroom. Unfortunately, the only response she got was Nigel holding a ringing phone that Dan had left in the bathroom.

Kath turned off her phone and ran a hand through her hair.

“What should we do Nigel?” she asked.

He sighed.

“I suppose there’s nothing to do but wait. He should be coming back any minute now.”

So they decided to wait. An hour passed and then two and then three and Kath began to worry more and more. All of the ‘what if’s’ rolled around in her head to the point where she couldn’t bear it anymore and decided to look for Dan. Frankly, she didn’t know where to start. Manchester was a ginormous city that could hide anything. But she had to try.

Kath went to get her coat and noticed that Dan’s was still hanging up on the hook next to her’s. She took a large handbag and put Dan’s hat and coat inside. If he wasn’t found soon he could get pneumonia and end up in a hospital bed right next to her son.

With additional ease due to practice, she called an Uber and made a list of places in Manchester that she knew had significance to Dan.

The list was nearing fifteen locations when the car pulled up. Immediately after opening the door, she pulled out a wad of cash for the driver.

“It’s going to be a long ride.”

They went everywhere.

The Manchester apartment, the previous location of the Eye, Piccadilly train station and the Starbucks close by, all the bars the went to, all the bars they didn’t. In the rides in between she would try to recall friends Dan and Phil had that lived In Manchester. The few that she could remember and contact didn’t have any idea to his location. Thankfully, the driver was incredibly patient with her and even made suggestions.

It was after her ninth bar when she considered the fact that Dan may have gone up to her old house. Or rather Phil’s childhood home and his second home until he and Phil got their own place. But because her payment to the driver had ran dry, she would have to take the bus.

It had been a long while since she had been back up to the old house. While selling had been hard for her, it had been partially her decision. Her children were gone, her life had moved on, and the house was just too big now.

As the bus began to climb the hills that had tucked away her past home, a few stray snowflakes started to fall from the sky. It seemed with every passion streetlight, more and more appeared under the brief window of visibility. By the time the bus pulled up to her stop, it was a full on snowstorm.

Kath’s gloved fingers closed carefully around her bag containing Dan’s coat. While she hoped he would be waiting at the stop, a part of her just wished that Dan would’ve already come back to the house without her knowledge. She’d rather see him tucked away in his warm bed than freezing to death at the bus stop. The driver opened the doors and Kath stood up and began to walk down the rows of empty seats. As she turned to descend the steps, she noticed that she was alone with the driver. She turned around quickly before exiting.

“I’m looking for someone, would it be alright if you gave me a moment?”

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to get back by 1:00,” the driver replied.

“Okay. You can go ahead, I’ll just catch the next one.”

She stepped off the bus into the dark, cold exterior and for a brief moment almost regretted it. Exhaling, she began to mentally prepare herself when she heard a faint voice on the wind.

“Wait!” She called to the bus driver, swinging her head frantically around, but he was still smiling at her calmly through the still open door.

“Wait!”

This time the voice wasn’t hers.

Kath’s heartbeat picked up as she saw a tall figure running towards her in the snowy darkness. Dan was doing a mix between a fast walk and a run towards her, his hands wrapped tightly around his stomach and shaking violently.

“Dan..” she said softly, the warm air from her mouth clouding into the winter air.

He didn’t stop running even as he got closer and closer. As he reached the domain of the lonely street lamp, Kath ran to him and threw her arms around him as soon as they could make contact. His fragile body tensed on the impact, but soon released into the embrace.

“Oh, my dear, you’re shaking! Where have you been?”

Kath didn’t wait for a response to fish Dan’s jacket out of her bag and start to walk Dan into the warm bus.

“I… I just thought I haven’t been up to you’re old house in years.. and… and there’s just so many memories-”

Dan let in a big gulp of air which sounded slightly like a sob. Kath sat him down and finished putting on his coat, pulling him in close to warm him up.

“You’re okay… you’re okay… we’re going home now. It’s okay.”

The remainder of the ride was rather quiet. Only Dan’s chattering teeth and the bus exhaust broke the silence. Luckily, the ride to the top of the neighborhood they were staying in wasn’t terribly long. As they walked to the house, Kath instructed Dan to change into sleeping clothes and crawl into bed. He mumbled a few words, protesting that the guest shouldn’t take care of him, but went along with Kath anyway.

She watched him trudge into his room and shut the door behind him before she went to start the tea kettle. Though in her search through the cupboards she couldn’t find chamomile, she did find a non caffeinated green. The kettle began to chirp after a few minutes. She turned the heat off and poured the water into a purple mug that reminded her of Phil’s phone case. She hadn’t even intended to use it for that reason but she guessed that she had just been drawn to it.

On the way to Dan’s room, she stopped by the living room to check up on her husband, and discovered that he was snoring. The game no longer playing in the background but rather some American crime show that would’ve drove Nigel far away if he was conscious. She smiled to herself as she gently covered her sleeping husband with a blanket and turned off the television set. Sleeping on a chair would usually hurt his back but by the looks of the one that he was resting on, back problems were not part of the equation. This place they had rented really showed how far they had come with money in the past years.

With a final look towards the sleeping figure, she then turned to the door opposite which hid a young man who was worrying himself to death. She knocked softly on the door and heard a small voice say, “Come in.”

Kath leaned against the door to push it open, entered the room, and closed the door behind her in a similar motion. Her eyes then fixed on Dan, in a grey tee and pajama pants, looking up at her from behind his laptop as he sat with his long legs stretched down the length of the bed.

“I brought your tea,” Kath said while walking towards the top of the bed. She sat it down on the end table and Dan smiled.

“Thank you. Really. It means a lot to me that you came and found me. I might not have um… have gone home otherwise.” He looked down at his legs.

Kath briefly considered telling him that she worried about the safety of her future son-in-law, but while Phil had said they had both already agreed at a incoming proposal, she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to already know.

Kath noticed that he was still shaking slightly.

“I think it’s time you get tucked in. It’s rather chilly in here.”

Dan took another quick sip of tea and buried his lower half under the blankets obediently.

“Are you all set?” She asked.

“Yes, thank you,” he replied.

Kath turned to walk out and leave Dan to get his rest.

“Katherine?”

She turned around to face him.

“Yes, Dan?”

“Do you.. um.. Do you think he’s going to be… okay?”

He took a shaky break and Kath began to walk over to his side. She noticed he was shaking like a leaf again.

“You don’t think…” he said, “you don’t think that it’s going to be… permanent?”

Kath sat on the bedside next to him and rested her hand on his shoulder. Dan may have matured years and years since she first met him, but in this moment, she saw the frightened eighteen year old swimming in his mahogany eyes.

“He’s going to be okay. I know it. Phil has a hard head.” She petted his shoulder a bit, going slowly because she didn’t know Dan’s exact personal boundaries.

She believed every word, Phil wasn’t well, but he wasn’t terrible either. But she understood Dan’s concern as Dan hadn’t seen him since he brought him in after the incident. She couldn’t imagine being witness to the collision and seeing Phil fall to the ground and not get up and having to check for a pulse…

No. It was too awful for her to imagine. Even if it was poor Dan’s reality.

“But they had to take him in for surgery. I can’t imagine that being terribly good. He could be in that hospital for weeks..”

A hiccup that almost sounded like a sob erupted from Dan’s throat.

“ ‘m sorry,” he mumbled, wiping one of his eyes slightly. But a snuffle followed his statement.

“Oh, Dan..”

Kath bent down and wrapped her arms around Dan and he gave her one of the deepest, desperate hugs that she had received in a long time. Her hand ran up his back and ran through his curls. His body was still shaking, but this time they crescendoed into sobs. And as she continued to comfort him through his release of emotions as they came out through the dam he had built through the past few days. They came onto Kath as he embraced her tightly and as his tears and snot wetted her shoulder. And Kath did nothing but give him the support he needed so desperately. Being a mother, she definitely knew. Sometimes all someone needed was a shoulder and hug to cry into.

Dan was desperate, practically clawing onto her as if she was his only anchor to reality. A thought came to her mind then, a thought to help Dan, to comfort him. But it seemed almost crossing a boundary between two people who weren’t technically family. But Dan felt like family to her, so she asked.

“Do you want me to get in bed with you for a bit?”

Dan’s sobs slowed and for a moment there was no response. But then she felt a nodding in her shoulder and felt the mattress shift as Dan made room. She lifted up the covers and scooted in close to him, then returned to the embrace. Dan was now crying less, but rather just holding her tight.

“I miss him,” he whispered softly.

“I know,” Kath replied, “He’ll be home soon. I know it.”

She listened as Dan’s breathing slowed and felt his grip loosen. Her hands still ran up and down his back though. Thoughts ran through her head about how much this man knew about her youngest son.

He had lived with him for almost a decade, fulfilled all of the roles of co-worker, best friend, and lover during that time, laughed with him, cried with him, kissed him, made love to him, and prepared to spend the rest of his time on earth with none other but her son. Her baby.

It was definitely a weird feeling. The little baby, the blank slate that had once been entirely dependent on the mother that cradled him was now an amazing adult with millions of fans who he shared with a partner. Perhaps even a soulmate. A soulmate who cared so damn much about her son. A soulmate that through thick and thin had always come back to him. A soulmate who was now slowly falling asleep in Kath’s arms. And in that moment, Dan felt as much of a Lester as anyone else. Kath’s family. Kath’s son in law. Dare she say he almost felt like her own child.

His breathing now had slowed to the breathing of someone half asleep.

Perhaps he didn’t comprehend that he was saying it, or who he was saying it to, but the words left his mouth in a bear inaudible whisper.

“I love you.”

Kath felt her heart either widen or melt a bit and she found the words leaving her mouth without a second thought.

“I love you too, Dan.”

Padding. Walking. There was someone else in the darkened room.

Kath was stirred from her sleep as she discovered a tall shadow hovering above her.

Her sleep-induced mind made lazy reaches at remembering the situation. She was staying… with Dan? Not Phil- why not Phil?

“Nigel?” She murmured to the figure towering above her. It was beginning to come back to her. He was probably wanting her to come to bed with him.

“No. It’s me. Phil.”

Phil? No, it couldn’t be…

“Phil? But how-”

“You guys got the wrong information. I was okay the whole time. No complicated surgery, just tests and stitches. There was another guy named Lester in the ward.”

Kath began to sit up but Phil gently kept her down.

“Shh, it’s okay. Go back to sleep, we’ll discuss it in the morning,” Phil whispered.

Part of Kath protested, but her body aches to go back to sleep, and she was much too old to protest.

As sleep took her, she saw Phil’s shadow, illuminated from the moon shining in the window between the snow clouds, move over to the other side of the bed and crawl in.

The warm body next to her stirred.

“P- Phil? Wh-“

“Shh, you’ve been through so much. We’ll talk about in the morning.”

His voice was so slow and deep and conveyed the pure message that everything was going to being okay now. Kath hardly remembered their final encounter before sleep took her once again.

The soft sound of lips meeting sealed the new, peaceful tone of that snowy night in February.