#parentsproject

This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids comes out in less than two weeks!

That means you have less than two weeks to pre-order a copy, which our publisher, Chronicle, will match by donating another copy to a local PFLAG chapter! Let's help out all 350+ chapters!! 

Pre-order here: http://theparentsproject.com/the-book/ 

Watch the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oaJWk5WWFA

Q&A here: http://everyoneisgay.com/thisisourbook-questions/

There are two reasons why you might want to head over to our book page and snag yourself (or your parents) a copy of this now, before it officially comes out on September 9th... "WHY, DANNIELLE AND KRISTIN, WHY?!" you ask...

1) Prizes.  Now through September 9th, we will be accepting your proof-of-purchase, emailed to parentsproject (at) everyoneisgay (dot) com. We will pick one lucky winner to receive a bundle of amazing prizes, including tickets to our NYC Book Release Party, lunch with Dannielle & Kristin, Skype calls, signed bookmarks, and other merchandise, and three others to receive the bookmarks, merch, and Skypes as well!

2) It will help us. Every time one of you pre-order a book, it pushes our numbers up higher and higher. That moves us to the top of best-selling lists, where parents are more likely to see that our book exists. It also directly impacts the work we can continue to do in the future -- publishers and other important-book-humans look very closely at pre-sale numbers, and if ours are amazing, that means we can continue writing more books and making more change.

- Question submitted Anonymously & Answered by Amelia

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Amelia Says:

First off, let me say that you sound like a really good mom. The fact that you are worried about this shows how in tune you are with your boys, and that is really great. And I totally feel you.  

My oldest son is gay. It's very important to my husband and me that our son feels celebrated for who he is. This is heightened by the fact that his parents are in a heterosexual relationship. We don't want him to ever feel on the outside because he is gay and his parents aren't. But in this celebration, we worry that our other sons will feel left out. To solve this, we try to celebrate all our sons for what makes them each unique. We celebrate our second son as he dominates in Minecraft. We celebrate our third son for choreographing his own dance routines. We try to make being gay just another part of what makes our oldest son awesome. Because who he is is awesome. All of our sons are awesome, each in their own way. 

I think it's all about creating a safe space free from expectation. Yes, we expect our kids to be good human beings, but we don't get to define who they are as people. I think it is important for us, parents, to remind ourselves of that. We need to give them room to explore, all the while knowing their parents have their backs and will always be right there to encourage them along the way. 

I also feel the need to note that just because you have one son who seems "gayer" than the other, until they come out that means exactly squat.  My son who identifies as gay is the most stereotypically masculine of my three boys. He's completely gender conforming. You two might have one gay son (which could be either), two gay sons, or no gay sons. Only time will tell. We have taken to saying we have one gay son and two unaffiliated. As parents, we might have our guesses, but our kids are the only ones allowed to define themselves. It's our job to give them the space and security in our love to figure it out.

Your sons are twins, and you are probably raising them as a unit. We did this with our two oldest boys. They have always been super close and used a form of "twin speak" as toddlers, even though they are both singletons. When their age difference became apparent, watching them grow separately, and in different directions, broke my mama heart a little. I imagine this is only exacerbated with twins. While they are twins, they are two separate people. And as much as it breaks the mama hearts, growing in separate directions is a good thing. They need to explore their differences, but that doesn't mean they will grow apart. 

There is something special about brothers, even more so about twins. No one will be closer to them than their brother. Ever. But that doesn't mean they have to be the same. That doesn't mean they won't fight, piss each other off, and go out of their way to push each others’ buttons at times. But as long as their foundation is in love, they will always have that fraternal link they share with no one else. As they both change and grow in their own unique ways, keep lines of communication open. If they start feeling separate and distant from one another, talk about it. Don't make it something that is happening to them alone; it's happening to your whole family. Make sure your sons know that they are both awesome, each in their own way, and you wouldn't want them to change for the world. You want to be their mom, not anyone else's.

So to sum up: you and your co-mama should keep your minds and hearts open. You are lucky (as all parents are) to have the privilege of raising two amazing men. And part of that privilege is getting to watch who they become.  As long as the foundation of your family is in love, you'll be ok (even when it sucks) because love always wins.

All my love and good wishes for the future,

amelia

***

Amelia is a mother, wife, partner and breadwinner. When not at the office she's spending as much time as possible with her three young sons, husband and best friend. In her copious free time she knits, obsesses about science fiction and cult television, and reads way too many books. She considers her most superhero worthy act finding a couple free hours now and then to read trashy novels. Her post about the adventures of raising a young gay son are featured at www.huffingtonpost.com/Amelia.

I would be considered a late bloomer coming out. It was my first year in college, in 2008. I was a musical theater major in Hartford, Connecticut, and there was a saying that when you walked into the theater school, everyone would know if you were or weren’t gay. There’s this stereotypical phrase: “Oh, that one is going to be gay by May.”  I was actually gay by April, thank you. One month early.

I will remember the day I came out to my mom for the rest of my life. It was my last day of finals of freshman year. It was 24 hours of hell, and I crammed through all of it. I had to deconstruct a set, finish a 15-page English paper, wake up early, present a final scene in front of all the theater faculty, and talk to my teachers. But everything went very smoothly. I picked up my mom from the train station and we packed up my car, then started driving. We were talking about my freshman year, and she asked, “Mark, did you drink or smoke?” I said, “No Mom. I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink…but I am gay.”

Silence.

My parents are immigrants from Italy (I’m the first generation born here), so I was really nervous, because my family is very, very Roman Catholic. My grandmother prays on her rosary beads every day. It’s one of those things where you’re either going to heaven or hell. My parents, however, are the liberals out of all of my conservative family, so I didn’t know what to expect. She turned a little red, smiled, and then said, “I kind of figured.” She was totally fine with it. She was very, very loving. She said, “Mark, it’s okay. Who you are is who you are. That’s fine.”

Her main concern was for my safety. Literally, the second statement she made was, “All I want you to do is be safe. There are diseases and AIDS everywhere, and there are hate groups and everything. I just want you to be safe and I want you to surround yourself in safe areas.” My parents were prepared to talk to me about sex. They said, "You have to be safe. Man or woman, you have to be safe. This is a world where anything is contracted quickly. Just wrap it. It's so simple. Put a condom on it. Jesus." They weren’t against premarital sex. They told me as long as you love the person, it's great.

I really listened to what my parents had to say about sex—but that was the case even before I had come out to them. I have always viewed their love in a way that made me take my own decisions very seriously. I waited until I was 21 and I was with my first boyfriend. That's considered late blooming. It was my senior year of college, and I finally had found someone, and we waited, and it was that much more special because I felt close to the one I loved.

-Mark, 24

Watch: Dannielle Owens-Reid & Kristin Russo, co-founders of The Parents Project, address the question, "My kid just came out to me as gay. How can I support them?"

I was sitting on the couch in our living room when my oldest daughter said she had something to tell me.  She sat down beside me and leaned against me, then told me she was bisexual.  I remember saying something that seems kind of inane in hindsight like, “It’s OK,” but that was exactly what I meant. It didn’t make any difference to me. She is my daughter and I adore her. Like any dad, I want her to find happiness and success in life. She’s a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, smart, and very funny person.

Later on, I started to worry about her, of course. She’s already a woman going into a technical field, where she is likely to experience gender discrimination. How much more discrimination might she face now? Will she be able to get married in whatever state or country she winds up living in? Luckily, things are changing for the better. And perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve taken much more interest in and become more supportive of LGBT equality.

It’s been kind of fun, too. We always did things together, of course, but now she’s started dressing more like me (boys’ jeans and t-shirts) so we can agree on the merits of having a pocket deep enough to hold your wallet. She also did a very credible job of dressing up like me for Halloween.

I was struck by how odd it is that LGBT people have to “come out.” Society doesn’t expect you to declare your ethnic heritage, religious beliefs, or lack thereof. And I don’t think most people would worry about how their family and friends would take it if they did. It is so sad to me that kids have to worry about whether their own parents and friends will reject them because of who they are. And it is even sadder that this happens.

If your child comes out to you, the most important thing to realize is that you love them more than ANYTHING. You may feel confused, upset, or even angry at first, but your child has just shared part of who they are with you, and they are waiting to hear that you still love them. This may have changed your world, but they are the exact same person they were before they told you. It’s up to you to let them know nothing has changed your love for them.

Remember that your child hasn’t changed, although your feelings may have, you can still relate to them the same way you did before. It’s OK to be confused and it’s good to educate yourself. But remember that your kids love and respect you, and that rejecting them will only hurt both of you immeasurably.

--Robert, 55

- Question submitted Anonymously & Answered by Julie Tarney

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Julie Says:

One of the great things about conversations with kids is that they can be continued anytime, right where you left off. I still remember a few standout questions and comments from my son that caught me off guard over the years. In a couple of cases, I gave an answer that later didn’t seem complete or didn’t quite address what he really might have been thinking—like when he was in first grade and described a self-portrait as himself “in a closet.” I remember thinking afterwards, “Why didn’t I say this?” and “Why didn’t I think of that?” So I understand the basis for your question. Props to you for thinking there may have been a better way to handle your comments.

Let me first say that your daughter sounds darling. Those years when a child believes things can happen with the wave of a wand or a magic bracelet from Santa are so special. And who doesn’t want their child to believe that they can have, be, or do anything they desire, while never giving up on their dreams?

When it comes to discussing gender, self-expression, and sexuality with a child, I’ve learned that the best way to handle it can vary, depending on the statement or question, the situation, the child’s age, and how much information is necessary to satisfy her inquiring mind. And while being proactive and honest, we moms have to be careful about replies that might create false expectations, make a child feel vulnerable, or unintentionally induce feelings of shame.

Your daughter obviously trusts you, and that’s right where you want to be. Without trust, there’s the potential a child won’t express innermost thoughts and emotions. And when that happens, he or she might be inclined to keep secrets, which can cycle back to feelings of vulnerability or shame.

Your response obviously came from a place of protection, wanting to shield your daughter from teasing at school if she’s gay or perceived as gay. It seems like you reacted to her desire to turn into a boy—and how interpretations of that by other kids might affect her—rather than addressing her belief that she needs to turn into a boy in order for a girl friend to like her.

So I suggest you think about continuing the conversation with your daughter. Try a little gentle probing to get at what was really on her mind that day. I believe a parent can always go back to a child and say, “You know, I’ve been thinking about what you told me the other day, and I really want to understand you better.” With that approach, you send a validating message that what she says is important.

Then think about how to understand her feelings without being challenging or accusatory. You could try something like, “I’m wondering why you think you have to be a boy for so-and-so to like you.”

What you want her to know is that she’s perfect just the way she is. I think one of the best messages a mom can give her child is, Be yourself. And then feel good about yourself. Your daughter needs to know that she doesn’t have to change for someone else to like her.

You have an opportunity here to stress her self-acceptance. And you can let her know that she can be this girl’s girlfriend without being a boy. Girls can have close friendships with girls, and girls can like girls, just as they can like a boy, or a boy can like another boy. Best friends come in all combinations.

Lastly, keep in mind that kids watch us and listen to us even when we’re not aware that they’re listening. The way we present ideas about boy-girl, girl-girl, or boy-boy relationships is so important, especially if others are non-accepting. So it’s good for your daughter to be exposed to other types of relationships, and not just the boy-girl friendships often portrayed on TV.

***

Julie Tarney is a mom, writer, and strong ally for LGBTQ youth. Her blog and forthcoming memoir, My Son Wears Heels, are about her experiences raising a gender creative child of the ‘90s and what she learned from him along the way about gender identity, gender expression and self-acceptance. She is a blogger for HuffPost Gay Voices and a contributing voice for the It Gets Better Project and True Colors Fund’s Give A Damn Campaign. Julie lives in Brooklyn, NY, where she’s also her drag artist son’s biggest fan. Read more of Julie’s Work here: My Son Wears Heels - and – Huffington Post Gay Voices

- Question submitted Anonymously & Answered by Suzanne Brockmann, New York Times Bestselling Author

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Suzanne Says: Let me tell you a story. I have a wonderful son named Jason who happens to be gay, and when he was sixteen, he went with some friends to an equal marriage rally in downtown Boston. While he was there, he had an encounter with a stranger -- a grown-up with her anti-gay rhetoric cloaked in the self-righteousness of her religion -- who looked my sweet, gentle boy in the eye and told him that he was “better off dead.”

When he came home that evening, I could tell that he was shocked and appalled -- stunned -- by what she’d said. This was his first up-close encounter with this kind of hatred, fear and ignorance, and he was terribly hurt and confused. “She hates me, but she doesn’t even know me,” he said.

I remember hugging him there in the kitchen, and saying, “She’s wrong.” I realized in that moment that I couldn’t protect my baby from the anti-gay ugliness that’s out there in the world. I also realized that my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. Jason was growing up and going places without me, and I couldn’t always be there to shield and protect him.

I understood in a flash that, try as hard as I might to keep my son safe, he was going to get hit with anti-gay messaging telling him that because he’s gay, he’s bad or wrong or somehow broken. That noise is out there. It’s unavoidable. And it’s ugly.

Words can hurt. They can harm and batter and bludgeon. Words have the power to bring deep emotional pain. And when repeated over and over and over, they bring doubt and confusion. 

You’re better off dead. (What kind of godawful god would want one of his or her followers to say such a thing to a child? Please think about that!)

That night, in our kitchen was the first time I dropped the f-bomb while in a conversation with Jason.  I realized that my kid was being treated by the often-angry world as if he were a man, so I had to treat him the same. I believe the words I used were, "She's a fucking idiot."  Yeah, I intentionally delivered a little "shock and awe" of my own that day.  I still remember that "OMG Mom said a bad word!" look in Jason’s very wide eyes!  But my child needed to know the strength and power of my beliefs, and he got the message! By being gay, Jason is not “better off dead.” He is not bad or wrong or broken. He is beautiful and loving and sweet and, yes, “fucking perfect,” to quote Pink. And it’s my job, as his mother, to make sure that he knows -- that he really believes -- that he is all those things. It’s his best and sometimes only defense against the ongoing barrage of hate.

I remember telling him, “It’s a very good thing I wasn’t there,” and we changed the pain of the moment into humor as we drew word pictures for each other about how I would have given that lady a verbal (and perhaps literal) ass-kicking. But after we finished laughing and even crying a little bit, after we hugged some more and made celebratory midnight pancakes, we talked honestly.

Because I believed (and still believe) in the words of Martin Luther King Jr. that “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that,” I believe that violence is never the answer.

I told Jason that there were plenty of people who had been wrongly taught that being gay was bad or somehow scary, and those people were just confused and that they could and would eventually learn that being gay is just another part of being human.

But there are some people, like that lady at the rally, whose hearts and minds were never going to change. They were too fearful, too angry, too locked in to their ignorance-fueled hate. I told Jason that when he met people like that, the best thing he could do was protect himself. “Don’t expose yourself to their ugly words and ignorant untruths,” I said. “Turn and walk away and go -- quickly -- to a place of safety.”

So that’s my story. And now here’s something that might be hard to hear. Being gay is not a choice, but belonging to an anti-gay church, or hanging out with anti-gay friends is.

By all means, try to educate others. Speak up, speak out! There are many great resources here at this site and at the PFLAG and HRC websites to help you learn how to do this. Some hearts and minds can and will change -- I’ve helped it happen, and it’s wonderful. But my bottom line is always this: “I am the proud, loving mother of an out gay son. This is what my family looks like, and just like your family, ours is filled with love and joy, loyalty and support. Love is love and we’re all more alike than we are different!” (Yes!)

But if the answer you constantly, relentlessly receive from your friends and church is No, with a heaping side-dish of “Your child is broken, bad, wrong,” then perhaps it’s time to find new friends and a new church. Because if you’re receiving that message, your kid is hearing it, too, and it’s wearing them down.

There are plenty of churches who welcome LGBTQ members to their congregations, and who will love and accept your child unconditionally, rather than battering them with outdated and ignorant dogma. Google “LGBT friendly churches” in your city or town for more information. And you’ll also find wonderful new friends by joining your local PFLAG chapter, and your state’s equal marriage organization.

Because here’s the deal: Your child is eventually going to learn that lesson I tried to teach Jason that night -- to avoid the people and places who batter LGBTQ people with their ugly, hateful words.

It’s your choice to make your home a sanctuary of love and safety, rather than a place to escape.

***

Suzanne Brockmann is a proud PFLAG mom and the New York Times bestselling author of fifty-five novels. Her favorite is the one where her most popular character, gay FBI agent Jules Cassidy, wins his happily-ever-after and marries the man of his dreams. Called All Through the Night, this was the first mainstream romance novel with a hero and a hero ever to hit the New York Times hardcover fiction bestseller list, and in 2007, Suz donated all of her earnings from this book, in perpetuity, to MassEquality, to help win and preserve equal marriage rights in Massachusetts. Known for her hunky Navy SEAL heroes, Suz is also the author of When Tony met Adam, a romantic e-novella published in celebration of the repeal of DADT. Suz is also the co-writer/producer of The Perfect Wedding, a sweet gay romantic comedy movie, currently available on DVD or via streaming from Netflix.