Iāve really struggled with figuring out my identity and I just thought posting this might hopefully help someone. Even if itās just one person.
Ok so over the past few years Iāve been really confused and not really sure about myself. About a year and a half ago I found out about asexuality and it took me around 6 months to realise that, that is what I was because I just questioned myself for so long. Iām sure most people know the kinds of questions that float around in your mind while questioning your sexuality. I just kept going back and forth, really unsure of myself. I asked people online, I googled everything about it, I even took those quizzes that are supposed to tell you what you are.
It was a good 3 - 4 months before I found out from someone on the internet that you can try on labels, just see if you feel comfortable with it and go with it. If you turn out to be wrong it doesnāt mean you were lying to yourself, you just went with what felt good at the time and thatās okay. You donāt even have to tell anyone, I havenāt, itās just you figuring your self out, and you shouldnāt feel any pressure from anyone else.
So I felt that asexuality fit for me and it was such a relief to have that part of myself figured out. But there was still the question of who I was romantically attracted to that was floating over my head. Now this wonāt be the way for everyone, sometimes who you are attracted to is just so obviouse to yourself that you donāt really need to question it for to long. But for me that wasnāt the case. It took me sooooo long to realise my romantic attractions and even now Iām not 100% sure, itās just what feels right at the moment.
So as you might of guessed from the picture, Iām panromantic. And for those of you that donāt know what that is, no Iām not attracted to pans, it just means Iām attracted to the person no matter what gender of sex they identify as. And I think this is where my struggle with my identity lies.
Iām asexual so that means Iām not sexually attracted to anyone, and for so long I wondered why someoneās gender mattered if i wasnāt sexual attracted to them, like why would whatās between someoneās legs matter if I donāt want anything to do with it. However I know thatās not the way for everyone, asexuals can be any romantic orientation because sexuality has nothing to do with it. But for me that was really confusing and I just didnāt understand myself.
Iād heard of pansexuality/panromantic but I kind of brushed by it because I havenāt been romantically attracted to anyone in over 5 years. But I just began to think to myself, I donāt care what someone identifies as, it really wouldnāt matter to me. I came back around to panromantic and it seemed to fit.
However I know that there is also a chance that I could be aromantic and that the feeling I had when I was 13/14 were just because that was what I had been told people my age were supposed to feel and that I had just subconsciously force feelings onto my self that I didnāt really have. But Iāll come back to that when/if I feel that pan doesnāt fit for me anymore. It feels good at the moment so why worry about the future.
Anyway, thatās me, I guess, coming out. I know no one on here knows me but Iāve only told a few people that Iām ace and Iāve never told anyone Iām pan so Iām kinda feeling a little panicked as Iām typing this. But anyway, sorry this was so long, I just needed to get my feeling written down so I could understand them a bit better, and hopefully maybe help someone who has struggled like me. So if you read all of this thank you, and if you didnāt, I donāt really blame you, itās pretty long.
āI like people, if a persons good, Iām into that personā ~ Brendon Urie
