#overwith

Here we are an entire year later when I was at my peak depression. I have to say I think I’m finally getting over here or maybe I am over her? Throughout the entirety of my senior year, I was going through a lot over the loss of the only girl I ever thought loved me. The day finally came where I graduated high school, the last day I would see the woman I loved before she moved to college, it was heartbreaking and I actually almost cried during my ceremony because of her. Eventually, the ceremony came to an end and I greeted my grandparents and long distance cousins that came to congratulate me on my accomplishment. I peered around the crowded room looking to see if I could find her anywhere but she was gone. I eventually cut my losses and walked out of the building to my parent's car when I realized I forgot to turn my graduation gown in. I walked back inside to the area where I was given the grad gown but nobody was in view. So I figured I would just drop it off a few days later before school closes for the summer. I walked through the corridor back down the long hallway I walked through to return my gown and there was someone sitting by the exit doors at the end of the hallway, this person looked a little sad and distraught I ignored it because I felt the same way. I walked through the hallway with my shoulders hanging and notice this person is watching me out of the corner of their eye, as I walked further ahead I could start to make out a face and it was her. This was it, this was my chance to fix everything, my one and only chance to say something, find the magic words that would make her mine. I started freaking out inside my head and my heart started pounding knowing that this was my only moment. Emotions shooting through my body and coursing through my veins, I started to go for a trip down memory lane. I thought about all the good times with her and I where we first met and when we first hugged, when we went hiking through the woods together for a week when she cuddled me in the car, WHEN SHE TOLD ME MY FEELINGS DON’T MATTER AS LONG AS SHE’S HAPPY, WHEN SHE LEFT ME SITTING OUTSIDE AT 4 IN THE MORNING IN THE FREEZING COLD, WHEN I BOUGHT PROM TICKETS THAT I HAD TO THROW AWAY, BECAUSE SHE TURNED ME DOWN. FOR MY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS, BLEEDING HANDS. The emotions rushed through my head and about 12 feet away I decided that she doesn’t deserve a goodbye for the way she’s treated me I straightened out my posture and stuck my head up high as I walked past her. She was just staring at me like a sad puppy, I saw out of the corner of my eye. She wanted me to say something, I know she did.. I pushed the door open without even looking at her and what a weight lifted off of my chest. I ended being the bigger man. She always told me “you always come back” but this time I didn’t.  

awhile later all I could think about was my graduation party, I came home and went straight to bed got up and partied the entire day. The next day I thought “what now” and that’s where everything began, my plans for everything changed, no longer was I going to college to become a wildlife forest fighter, I was now stuck trying to figure out which school I wanted to go to but never found one, I felt like such a screw up because now I was sitting around doing pointless tasks for money, god I’ve never felt more like a leech in my life so I started helping out my family with my sisters baby, I started watching my nephew for 7 months. When I first started living this way I was really happy with it because nobody could stop me now with the new path of life that I was on but it quickly became repetitive and I started to think about her I eventually looked on her social media while I was babysitting and I saw that she was going through with the plan that we made with each other.. it’s nice to know she would have done it with or without me. I started feeling like a pile of shit because I was stuck doing nothing while she was pursuing a career. I picked up a few bad habits and didn't care about anything, I was pretty much just over with everyone *if you look at my post on Sep 26 you can see where my mind was** months on end nothing was working I was still depressed and upset. Everything was getting horrible because I felt like my family was taking advantage of me and I would lose my temper extremely quick I started cussing at people in my house out of anger and all until February 14th, Valentines Day I started smoking and everything just cleared out of my head, I found peace among my head and could finally relax and think straight, she was never in my head for the remainder of February or March I’m not sure if it’s the smoking that got her out of my head or not but I’m grateful I’ve been able to feel good lately, now it’s just time to figure out where to take my life!! I think I’m finally over her and it’s made me a damn proud guy.