Ruin Ruiniversal

I feel as if lately i’m trapped in an endless cycle of continuing on a path of the same patch. Currently I’ve been trying to get my college certificate for computer support, looking to become an IT man. I managed to pass my college classes with a 4.0 grade point average, I felt proud. The school refuses to send me my certificate though, reason being I’m horrible at math and upon entering the school I scored low on my accuplacer math test. “I’m fucked” was the first thing to go through my head, math has always given me trouble throughout the entirety of my schooling and has never seemed to ever click for me. I am one of few Indigenous Native people around the world and growing up on the reservation our math was years behind any-school around, I ended up transferring schools around 6th grade because I wanted to pursue a better education. Come to my surprise the other school was 4 years ahead of the math I was learning throughout elementary, As the years went on I eventually caught on to every subject other than math. I could just never grasp onto the confusing fictional numbers I’m suppose to imagine in my head, I’ve always felt so fucking stupid when it came to math growing up and now it’s come back to prevent me from getting my college certificate, which I’ve damn well earned because I’ve completed every-class necessary to receive it and passed with a 4.0 gpa, now upon finishing I am asked to “prove I’m ready for college by passing their math class or scoring higher on my Accuplacer test. I personally feel like this school is taking advantage of my math capability and maybe even more so my native american education system. Haven’t I already proved I’m ready for college if I passed all my classes with flying colors? 

The days are starting to become timeless as I feel a neutral way about the things around me, flowers blooming used to mean it was time to have a fun filled summer with days lasting for what seemed like forever. Nowadays when summer comes near all I can think of is the never ending cycle of pointless work, I’ve been thinking a lot lately and over the course of the last month I’ve been making changes to ensure positive flow in my life. Here I sit almost 20 years old now still without my very first kiss and loving partner. I’ve wondered why I haven’t been able to date at all over the last couple years but now after reviewing I’ve seen that I’ve really just become more shy, I used to compliment women on their eyes and smile.. now I can’t even hold much of a conversation let alone a compliment. My life just feels like a big enclosed zoo, whereas I’m defined by a giant enclosed trap and I have to go about my life in one area. The same people, places, feelings and memories. I’ve had some pretty good times in these places with people but I feel like I’ve experienced the extent of my childhood and have to grow up now. The world is scary place to be when you’re on your own, I’ve been thinking about giving my ex girlfriend a call or a message just so I can finally feel like life’s moving on again. I’ve finally been working out and losing weight so maybe I’ll have a chance with her again as I’ve dated her in the past. I’m still in love with her as she’s the only one who’s ever showed me true connection.

Maybe I’m just over thinking it all

Hey there it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been on here, nowadays I can safely say that I feel great. It took some time but eventually I found something that worked for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel as if there isn’t a single girl in the world that gets me the way “she” did. I chat around with pretty woman around my age trying to find a special spark so I can fill the loneliness I feel. However, I’m still able to move forward and keep looking for someone that will get me. I’m about to turn 20 this year and it was never that apparent to me how friends just start to fade away as you get older. Sometimes I feel stupid I’m a guy with a very unrealistic dream of becoming an entertainer, I enjoy to make people laugh. I strive to create content but a lot of times I end up getting physically drained or losing my motivation due to my mentality, but that’s why I say things have been good lately I’m becoming more and more happy. I still hold near and dear attachment for the woman who broke my heart, I have some old photos of us on my computer, I can’t tell you how often I look at them missing the moments that were captured in them. a million thoughts have flooded my head over time and I thought about 1 place throughout our relationship that I might have been able to save it, oh how I wish I could travel back in time to sit on the riverside with her and talk about anything and everything as we shared food together. I still feel like I love her and it really bothers me that the person I feel the closest to is so damn distant from me, I haven’t seen her since I graduated.. sometimes I feel scared to go out in public because I’m afraid I might run into her. I’m deathly afraid of the way she can shift my emotions around just by looking at me so I avoid it at all costs. The only way I see her is when I fall asleep and dream, usually when she’s in my dream I tend to become filled with joy and love because I missed her so much, the dreams sometimes trigger me to feel bad sometimes though due to the dream being about her and I getting back together just to wake up and see that things stand where they stand. I don’t bother her nowadays because of the way I get, I can talk to her and all but I just start to fall for her all over again, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been having such a great time with her and looked into her joy filled eyes and smiling face just to be reminded that she doesn’t want to be with me, I know it would be wrong to force her to have feelings for me, but is it really that wrong to love the woman who filled me with such happiness?

Here we are an entire year later when I was at my peak depression. I have to say I think I’m finally getting over here or maybe I am over her? Throughout the entirety of my senior year, I was going through a lot over the loss of the only girl I ever thought loved me. The day finally came where I graduated high school, the last day I would see the woman I loved before she moved to college, it was heartbreaking and I actually almost cried during my ceremony because of her. Eventually, the ceremony came to an end and I greeted my grandparents and long distance cousins that came to congratulate me on my accomplishment. I peered around the crowded room looking to see if I could find her anywhere but she was gone. I eventually cut my losses and walked out of the building to my parent's car when I realized I forgot to turn my graduation gown in. I walked back inside to the area where I was given the grad gown but nobody was in view. So I figured I would just drop it off a few days later before school closes for the summer. I walked through the corridor back down the long hallway I walked through to return my gown and there was someone sitting by the exit doors at the end of the hallway, this person looked a little sad and distraught I ignored it because I felt the same way. I walked through the hallway with my shoulders hanging and notice this person is watching me out of the corner of their eye, as I walked further ahead I could start to make out a face and it was her. This was it, this was my chance to fix everything, my one and only chance to say something, find the magic words that would make her mine. I started freaking out inside my head and my heart started pounding knowing that this was my only moment. Emotions shooting through my body and coursing through my veins, I started to go for a trip down memory lane. I thought about all the good times with her and I where we first met and when we first hugged, when we went hiking through the woods together for a week when she cuddled me in the car, WHEN SHE TOLD ME MY FEELINGS DON’T MATTER AS LONG AS SHE’S HAPPY, WHEN SHE LEFT ME SITTING OUTSIDE AT 4 IN THE MORNING IN THE FREEZING COLD, WHEN I BOUGHT PROM TICKETS THAT I HAD TO THROW AWAY, BECAUSE SHE TURNED ME DOWN. FOR MY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS, BLEEDING HANDS. The emotions rushed through my head and about 12 feet away I decided that she doesn’t deserve a goodbye for the way she’s treated me I straightened out my posture and stuck my head up high as I walked past her. She was just staring at me like a sad puppy, I saw out of the corner of my eye. She wanted me to say something, I know she did.. I pushed the door open without even looking at her and what a weight lifted off of my chest. I ended being the bigger man. She always told me “you always come back” but this time I didn’t.  

awhile later all I could think about was my graduation party, I came home and went straight to bed got up and partied the entire day. The next day I thought “what now” and that’s where everything began, my plans for everything changed, no longer was I going to college to become a wildlife forest fighter, I was now stuck trying to figure out which school I wanted to go to but never found one, I felt like such a screw up because now I was sitting around doing pointless tasks for money, god I’ve never felt more like a leech in my life so I started helping out my family with my sisters baby, I started watching my nephew for 7 months. When I first started living this way I was really happy with it because nobody could stop me now with the new path of life that I was on but it quickly became repetitive and I started to think about her I eventually looked on her social media while I was babysitting and I saw that she was going through with the plan that we made with each other.. it’s nice to know she would have done it with or without me. I started feeling like a pile of shit because I was stuck doing nothing while she was pursuing a career. I picked up a few bad habits and didn't care about anything, I was pretty much just over with everyone *if you look at my post on Sep 26 you can see where my mind was** months on end nothing was working I was still depressed and upset. Everything was getting horrible because I felt like my family was taking advantage of me and I would lose my temper extremely quick I started cussing at people in my house out of anger and all until February 14th, Valentines Day I started smoking and everything just cleared out of my head, I found peace among my head and could finally relax and think straight, she was never in my head for the remainder of February or March I’m not sure if it’s the smoking that got her out of my head or not but I’m grateful I’ve been able to feel good lately, now it’s just time to figure out where to take my life!! I think I’m finally over her and it’s made me a damn proud guy.

Can it be that Ruin has returned to Tumblr?

yeah, not like anyone even knows who the fuck I am or gave a shit about this stupid Tumblr. I used this website to try and express myself and my emotions through the powerful use of writing blog posts. When this Tumblr account was created I was going through possibly some of the worst shit I have ever had to experience, the loss of my beloved woman. I ripped myself to shreds over the entire situation and came out an extremely different person, was the person I became for the better? I’m not not really sure because I’ve become some what of I “don’t give a shit because everything’s a fucking disappointment at the end of it all anyway” type of person. I honestly think that this woman made me realize that I hate everything about the life I live.. my friends,family,hobbies, even myself in a sense. I was so blinded to the world when I was with her and didn’t really realize how bad I actually had, granted I wasn’t fucking starving in Africa but nevertheless I still was neglected as fuck by almost everyone, Friends,family even myself. I’ve become completely dependent on myself and have come to the conclusion that there isn’t such a thing as a “Superman” going to save me from the pit of despair. Everything just sucks and there is never really anybody there for you almost everyone is a fucking shark looking for a fish to eat. So I’ve become a fisherman “only picking out certain fish that will serve value in my life, a fish that I can put in an aquarium and bask in it’s beauty, not just catching a walleye to cook and eat” If you don’t understand my analogy I’m saying I’m only keeping people in my life that are worth my time not just some cute girl. All in all fuck the world and suck everything up, everyone's a piece of shit and we’re here to get hurt and die, there is no such thing as happy.

Well I keep making the mistake of thinking that I’m getting over her, she fills my mind so fucking much and I tend to wonder why I can’t get over her.. why I only care about making her happy even though she treats me this way I don’t care if she likes girls, because I love her.. but that’s the problem I only love her.. I can’t seem to get through my day happily anymore, things are just hard it’s like I can only be happy when I feel that spark.. and when I feel that spark nothing matters the world goes silent and I feel my soul tickling the inside of my chest. I pictured a future with her.. it was perfect, no matter where we were.. as long as I was with her I was happy just knowing that she could make me go from the sorry excuse for a human being that I am now to a confident loving person that could bring a smile to anyones face. I don’t know, just the thought of her being with someone else brings pain to my stomach because I felt like she was made for me, we connected to eachother on ten hundred levels. and it was perfect, watching her nerdy glasses fall down her face after she got done laughing at something stupid I said was never so perfect.. seeing her with messy hair and her shining braces when she smiled were perfect.. I fell in love with that, I fell in love with us.. People always told me how she didn’t have breasts and a big forehead and I honestly wanted to punch them right across the face because no matter what everyone else seen her as.. she was perfect to me..I loved everything about her..she didn’t need to stick out her ass or stuff her bra at all because…she didn’t need to be the sterotypical girl.. the one that is always on her phone looking to see if someone liked her facebook status. As for her forehead, there was more to love.. she’s so smart so she needs that big head, it made her, HER. Everything about her was amazing to me, everything.. So I don’t care if she likes women because like I said everything about her is special to me.. It’s the fact that I CAN’T BE WITH HER, EVER. It hurts, badly.. I can’t even be myself anymore, I’ve always felt a connection with her and I’ve always wanted to be with her.. for the last four years of my life I’ve been picturing a life with her.. One where she could be happy because I know I would never let her down.. One where she can keep me happy just from smiling… I don’t wanna see her fall in love with somebody else.. someone better, worth more. I don’t wanna see my perfect woman forget about me with someone that might not even treat her right. Someone that doesn’t notice how she wears her watch on her right hand or spits a little when her laughs or keeps her money in the back of her phone case or does that weird little lean when she hugs… Someone that won’t care if that first kiss is perfect…. SOMEONE THAT’S NOT ME!

Well it's been a long time before I've really been on here.. am I still heartbroken? Yeah of course but for some reason it doesn't feel as bad... I'm not really sure why I honestly think that I've just been through so much pain over her that I'm actually starting to get over her.. this other girl also started showing intrest in me and I'm sure if I played my cards right I would be with her in a heartbeat... but the thing is this other girl used to be on my mind day and night for the past 4 years.. and suddenly she has just started appearing less in my head.. I'm not really sure how to feel because that girl was apart of me and I honestly changed for the worse when she left.. I was crying almost everyday and outside punching ice and punching bags to the point where I would fall on my ass after getting so angry and going ham on whatever I was hitting.. then falling over hitting the snow and just crying into it.. yeah, that's how destroyed she had me.. Well if things go up from what they are at now my life might change for the better. 3-31-17 12:09 AM

Lately I haven’t really been myself, I’ve been lost and trying to figure out where I really have to go from here. The school year is almost over and I graduate in May and if I can be completely honest, I’m scared. When I was in middle school I never really cared much for school at all. I always couldn’t wait to get out and just become an adult to start my life with this amazing journey I seen it as. But whenever I entered High School I met someone, someone just like me..in almost every single way, we became friends and grew on each other over the years and I can honestly say that I love her.. We’ve had all of these great fun experiences and she pushed me to try new things, I joined the choir at school for her and I started getting into music because of her.. that isn’t the only thing she has opened my mind too, she also taught me that life is enjoyable. it’s not like I hated life or was suicidal, nothing like that.. I always just thought life was sort of boring and bland until I met her. I fell for her and I honestly fell hard, these last 4 years have honestly been the best with her and these experiences were also the best few years of my life. I know it sounds kind of stupid but whenever I went to bed I would look at pictures of her and smile at my phone at 2 in the morning late at night just waiting to see her the next day, the very first words I would say when I woke up were “I Love you so much *her name” and smile starting my day knowing that I’m going to see her in an hour. I can’t fully express how much I loved her, I can write pages and pages about how beautiful and amazing she is. I would do anything for her and I mean anything. But then came the day in our relationship that she told me that she started to get feelings for girls and broke me.. all of those years down the drain, every single moment forgotten.. and my soul mate gone. Just to think I will never hear her tell me “I Love You” again…I’m lost and it’s been a year and 3 months so far and I’m still falling apart.. I’ve noticed that the first words when I wake up now are “I hate my life” and I look at the pictures of her crying my eyes out until it’s time to get up for school knowing I lost the best part of me.. I honestly don’t know what to do, we had all of these plans and now everything is gone.. I’m entering this adult life without my other half.. all of the people around me are starting their lives together and I feel like mine just ended. Time to go about life like a zombie..Alone 2-26-17 5:25 PM

Sometimes I feel as if I think too much. It seems as if I focus on things too much. The smallest things bother me sometimes and I’m not sure why, like someone could important to me can ignore one word I say and I automatically assume something is up and I can’t really focus on anything else besides what happend, wondering if I may have done something to upset them and what I could do to fix it.. and all of my responses if they say this or that. Before I know it i’m feeling like crap. This isn’t an everyday thing and the example I gave was nothing more than an example to go over what it’s like having this. It seems like I’m the only one that does this I have no idea why I have sucj a hyper active mind. I mean you can see that as you’re reading this.. everyone is around me doing homework and liking “TBH’s” on facebook (i’m at school) and here is me thinking about why I think so much. I just don’t fall under the simple slot I guess.

Well for my first actual blog post I figure I should go over one of the biggest factors in my life , being SHY . If you’re shy you know how much it sucks sometimes . You know about always thinking before you talk and sometimes you wait too long and end up missing the time span to say what you needed too . Being around all your family members feels more awkward than actually good because everyone is laughing and having a good time and you’re in the corner on your phone or just sitting there . If something makes you happy you can’t just scream at it with joy , for example at a football game when the team you’re there to watch scores a touchdown . You can’t really enjoy anything in public because most of the time you’re too scared to say something that leads the things you want to happen . Well , happen . Being shy sucks to the max , you can’t really enjoy yourself at all . Well at least I can’t , why ? The reason I don’t enjoy it is because I feel like I miss a lot of good things in my life like relationships , trips , people . I do get this weird spike of confidence once in a while but I look like a total dumbass when one hour with people acting like I’m this really cool confident guy to this non talking pathetic corner sitter . Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so shy because it just creates awkward situations especially when someone actually tries to talk to you and you respond with a one word answer.