#over 5k

There wasn’t much that Lohen couldn’t handle in his daily work. Take a letter to the Honorary Knight? Sure. Train the rookies in hand-to-hand combat? Bring it on. Face down the Wild Hunt in Nod-Krai? They’d better hope they didn’t land in his sights.

Talk to the cute librarian girl that had been running through his mind for the past week like its free real estate?

Pft. Talk about easy. No problemo. Certainly not a difficult task at all.

“Hello, Vice Captain,” you said, your eyes trained on his without a shred of hesitation. “Can I help you find something?”

“Find something?” he replied, blinking. Then, with a start, “Oh, you mean, like…like a book, right?”

You blinked. “Er, yes. This is a library, so…”

He heard the lilting of Lisa’s laughter behind him, but when he whipped around to glare at her, she casually strode out of earshot. Her heels clicked into the upper floor, punctuating Lohen’s excruciatingly long, stifling silence.

His plan had been simple: walk into the library and just talk to you. He figured the rest would come naturally, like how his instincts took hold of him in the middle of a fight, telling him how to move, and when to do it. Lohen was not a coward, and he wasn’t scared of you, so talking to you should have been easy. Light work. As simple as breathing.

Still, he was fumbling.

“A book,” he said, one corner of his mouth curling up in an awkward smile. “I mean, I don’t…I don’t really read, so…I dunno.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck—why was that the best he could manage? Why did he sound like such a bumbling idiot?

Your expression turned grave. Clutching your book to your chest, you said, “Please don’t tell me you’re here to pull a prank on me. Or to poison me. Or whatever else it is that you torment the others with.”

“What?” he asked, wincing. “No, I’m not here for that. Trust me—if I wanted to poison you, you’d be vomiting your guts out in medical by now!”

He laughed, but you didn’t. Perhaps he had stuck his foot in his mouth with that one, because you withdrew even further into yourself, your jaw unhinged. Your eyes were flicking between him and the staircase, like you were trying to find a route for escape.

While he kinda didn’t mind that, it definitely wasn’t his intention. Snapping his cackling maw shut, he felt his throat squeeze.

“A book,” he sputtered. “I’m here for a book.”

“O…kay…” you replied slowly. “Um…what kind of book…?”

(Think, Lohen, think. You haven’t read anything since your parents forced those fairytale books on you when you were a kid. If you go saying something like ‘The Belle and the Behemoth’, she’ll laugh at you. That wouldn’t be cool at all, so think, goddammit, think. Something cool!)

“Sex,” he blurted. “A book about sex. ‘Cause I’m, like…the sex master. Yeah.”

You looked embarrassed. “I’m…afraid we don't have any books like that here, Vice Captain…”

“Oh.” He crossed his arms over his chest, pensive. What else was he a self-proclaimed master of? “Murder?”

“Are you referring to murder mystery novels?”

“Huh? No, like, a book on murder. As in, how to do it. Preferably detailing various methods.”

You winced. “We don’t have books like that either…”

“What?” he replied, one eye twitching. “How boring. What the hell do you guys even have, then?”

“Um, normal books?” You flipped the book in your grasp around, showing him the title. “For example, this is a fictional novel titled Fate’s Glimmer. It's the long-awaited series of an Inazuman author who’s been quite popular in Mondstat as of late. It’s new, so I ordered it to be expressly delivered from Yae Publishing House, and I—. Um.”

You hesitated, your eyes falling to your desk. Repeatedly, you tapped your thumbs together over your bridged hands.

“Sorry, I’m oversharing. And we honestly have more nonfiction than fiction, so…I probably should have started with that.”

Halfway through your ramble, Lohen’s heart had started to act up. It was pounding like it did when he was on the battlefield, cutting down foe after foe with each swing of his lance—not like he was attempting to communicate with a pretty girl in the Mondstat Library. Why did he feel such strain? Furthermore, why did that strain come with such joy?

He turned away from you, a light touch of warmth settling across his face. He lifted a finger, pointing at the book in your hands. “Do you…have any other copies of that one?”

“Of…of Fate’s Glimmer? You…want to read it?”

He chanced a glance back your way, but he really shouldn’t have. You were beaming from ear-to-ear, your teeth poking through your radiant smile, and with your big, shimmering eyes, you said, “I actually ordered two copies! Just in case anyone else wanted to read it at the same time as me! It’s really good, I swear!”

He was having palpitations. Stammering through his sentence, he replied, “U-um, I, uh, yeah! Yeah, I…definitely wanna read that. Fate’s Shimmer…or whatever it is.”

“Glimmer,” you corrected him, still smiling. “Here, I’ll check out a copy for you right now. Do you have your Knights’ ID on you?”

“Uh, yeah. Here.”

The way your fingers brushed his sent a chill down his spine. Odd, considering that he was rarely susceptible to the cold.

“Here you are, Vice Captain,” you said, holding out a thick book between both hands. “You’ll have to swing by from time to time and let me know what you think of it.”

Swing by from time to time? Wait, did that mean you wanted to see him again? Wait—that meant you were totally into him, weren’t you?

“Heh.” Lohen cracked a grin. “Guess I’ll come by again later, then. Since you asked, and all.”

“That would be wonderful! I’m so curious to hear your thoughts on Act One…there’s such a massive cliffhanger at the end of it! Ah, but I won’t spoil anything.” You smiled, your long lashes fluttering over your bright eyes. Ever so cutely, you said, “Come back soon, won’t you, Vice Captain?”

Lohen was deceased where he stood.

Another routine patrol in Windrise had somehow led him straight into you—and the pack of hilichurls encroaching upon you.

You yelped as you scrambled backwards across the grassy field, your novel splitting open beside you. There was fear in those eyes of yours, which took in the horde before you like they were harbingers of doom. The vision on your hip glinted in the sunlight, but for some reason, you were far too petrified to make use of your only weapon. Ordinarily, a sight like yours would have annoyed Lohen more than anything—what a weak woman—but something about the situation felt just right.

With a chuckle, he crossed the field, brandishing his lance before him. One stroke annihilated the hilichurl in front of you. The second struck the two flanking the first. And on the last stroke, hilichurl blood sprayed into the void, both archers befelled by a single strike. Such easy, light work, yet you weren’t even capable of it. Surely you’d look upon him with admiration, as the valiant knight who came to your rescue.

“Good thing I got here before things took a turn for the worse!” he chirped, pushing his hair back with a rake of his hand. “Not that I would have minded getting the chance to see you beg and plead for your life.”

You gawked at him, your eyes wide. He blinked, his chuckles dying in the wind.

“What?” he asked. “It’s not an insult. I mean…you’d probably look good doing it.”

His face burned, but your silence persisted. You had the same look in your eyes that you had worn when the hilichurls ambushed you, but this time, it was directed at him. Lohen watched as you scrambled further backwards, your dress skirts dragging along the grass beneath you.

 “I-I’m not a strong person, you know?!” you squeaked. “Even if you try threatening me…I doubt I could give you the kind of fight you’d enjoy!”

“Wh—? I’m not threatening you! I’m giving you a compliment!”

“Please!” you wailed, your hands pressed to your head, tucking your face towards your knees. “I just wanted to read in peace!”

“What are you getting all freaked out for?” Lohen scoffed. “The hilichurls are dead! Now you can read Fate’s Shimmer all you want.”

“Glimmer!”

“Er, yeah. That.” He lifted his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing awkwardly. “Jeez…would it calm you down if I told you I read the first couple of chapters?”

Immediately, your head sprung up from your hiked knees. Your eyes were wide, and in only a second, it was as though you had no recollection of the panicked state you were in before. You scooped your book out of the grass, smiling from ear to ear, and patted the space beside you.

He looked from your hand to your face repeatedly. Jubilant, you said, “Sit down, then! I want to hear what you think about it so far.”

“Wh…huh?” He pressed his pointer finger to his chest. “You want me…to sit with you?” His eyes flicked upwards. “Under this…giant tree? With…with all the crystalflies floating around and everything?”

“Why, it’s the best place to sit in all of Mondstat. It’s perfect for reading—and for discussions about what we’ve read.”

The way you smiled was wrapping his throat tighter than the choker around his neck. He pulled at it a bit, and blamed the heat bathing his cheeks on the blazing sun overhead. Perhaps in response to his desperation, he was blessed by an incoming bout of pure anemo.

Dandelion spores washed through the air. They danced along the wind, and as they floated around your face, surrounding you like a feathery halo, you grinned with your teeth and laughed.

His heart was doing that irrational pounding again. Like he hadn’t just fought some low-level churls. Like he was in Nod-Krai, fighting with Varka and the others, half-conscious and two wrong steps away from death.

A spore flew into Lohen’s nose.

“Achoo!”

His shoulders jerked with his sneeze. He sniffled, rubbing his finger under his dripping nose, and you ever so sweetly said, “Bless you.”

He was suffocating and suffering cardiovascular collapse at the same time. Ironically, it felt kinda good.

“Come on,” you said, your hand still extended beside you. “Sit with me, won’t you, Vice Captain?”

He swallowed.

“Just call me Lohen.”

He wasn’t expecting to come across you in Varka’s office of all places.

“—please?” you were saying when Lohen opened the door. “I really want to see the flora for myself! It would help me visualize it so much better!”

Varka was grimacing. When he and Lohen met eyes, the Grand Master perked up and lifted a hand in greeting.

“Hey, Lohen!” he exclaimed. “You actually came like I asked you to! Good job, sport!”

Lohen rolled his eyes, but he was more focused on you than Varka. You were wringing your hands together, your shoulders rife with tension. Just like always, you had that thick novel of yours at your hip.

“Sorry,” you said. “I know you’re busy, Varka. It’s a silly request anyway, so I’ll just go.”

“Wait,” Lohen said, turning to track you as you made for the door. “Library girl. What were you two talking about?”

He didn’t really care that you had made a request of Varka and not of him, but he still wanted to know. For some reason.

“Oh, I…” You looked back at Varka, then at Lohen. Shaking your head, you said, “Don’t worry about it, Vice Captain. It sounds like you two have a pre-arranged meeting, so…I won’t interrupt you.”

“The meeting can wait,” Lohen said, following you out the door (which prompted a loud “Hey!” from Varka). “And didn’t I tell you to just call me Lohen?”

“You…did,” you mumbled. “Sorry, I’m just not used to it. I never really call anyone by name.”

His brows furrowed. “But you just called the Grand Master ‘Varka’.”

“Um. Yes.”

You continued pacing towards the library, and blatantly on the pursuit, Lohen followed you. As you both crossed the headquarter’s main foyer, one behind the other, Lohen could feel the stares and hear the whispers.

“Should we help her…?” someone mumbled.

Ignoring them, Lohen asked, “Why are you running away from me?”

“I’m not,” you said, but the way your shoulders were up by your ears as your heels played staccato beats across the floor told a different story. “I’m just getting back to work.”

Lohen’s eyes narrowed. His gaze fell to your swinging arms, and when you tried to escape behind a bookcase, he grabbed your wrist.

You stopped suddenly, turning to look at him with wide eyes. His hand burned around your wrist, like you were possessed by the power of pyro. Quickly, he released you.

“...Sorry,” he said. “Seriously, though, what were you trying to say back there? Something about flora?”

“It’s silly,” you replied quickly. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to bug you with something like this, Vice Captain—.”

“Lohen.”

“...Lohen.”

It fell from your lips, soft. It tickled the rims of his ears. You glanced up at him, rubbing your arm.

“It’s really childish,” you said. “And it would be a waste of the Knights of Favonius’s resources. I only asked Varka because I knew he wouldn’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not gonna laugh at you.”

Hesitation was written clearly across your face. After a beat, you visibly swallowed.

“I…want to go to Dragonspine,” you explained to him. “I’ve gotten to Act Two of Fate’s Glimmer, and it takes place in a snowy region similar to it. There’s some descriptive bits of ecology that I can’t quite picture, so I was hoping that if I went and saw it…I would be a little more immersed.”

Your voice fell to a mumble by the end of your sentence. Lohen raised an eyebrow.

“You went to the Grand Master of the Knights of Favonius…because you wanted to see flowers in Dragonspine?”

You buried your face in your palms. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you, Vice Captain.”

“Stop calling me that,” he groaned. “And I’m not laughing at you, am I? I’m just trying to figure out where Varka fits into this.” He paused. “You…seeing him or something?”

“Huh?” You looked up from your hands with a wince. “No, no—what? Varka’s practically like a father to me. Or…maybe an older brother. I’ve known him for a long time, that's all.”

“Oh. I see.” Lohen crossed his arms. “So…flowers in Dragonspine. You couldn’t even fight to save your life back in Windrise. Don’t think much would change over some flowers.”

“That’s why I was asking Varka,” you mumbled. “But he’s really busy. So is Lisa. And I don’t know the other knights well enough to have the courage to ask…”

“I’ll go with you.”

Silence fell between you both. The longer you stared at him, the hotter Lohen’s face became.

“What, you don’t want me to?” he asked. “‘Cause I’m a busy guy and all, so—.”

“No, no!” You held your hands out, taking a step towards him. Your eyes held fast to his as you said, “I’m just…really happy that you would offer.”

Someone really needed to open a window in the library or something, because all of a sudden it was stifling. Awkwardly, Lohen laughed and threw his gaze to the books that encased you.

“I just think it would be interesting,” he chattered. “Seeing you running around in the snow. Getting chased by monsters, I mean. Probably even begging me to help you…haha…”

Slowly, he pressed his palm to his smoldering face. The image of you running from a cryo abyss mage with your book clutched to your chest, wailing for him to save you, was a bit more enticing than he had thought it would be.

“…I’m so determined to go that I’ll choose to ignore that. When are you free?”

“When do you want to go?” he said, to the books.

“How does tomorrow sound?”

“Lohen—tomorrow I want you to lead the training exercises for the rookies in the 7th Company—.”

“Tomorrow sounds great,” he said, waving the echo of Varka’s voice from his mind. “Yep. I’m totally free.”

“R-really?” You were smiling again, wrecking his heart again. “Then…let’s go! It’ll be great for you too, so that when you get to Act Two, you’ll know exactly what the flowers look like.”

Staring into your eyes, he mumbled, “Yeah…I bet they’re pretty.”

“Me too!”

Snapping out of his deluge, Lohen stood upright again. Taking stilted steps to face away from you, he rather stiffly said, “Meet me here at nine, then. Don’t be late, or I’ll set a trap for you at every step of the way in Dragonspine. And trust me—you wouldn’t like that!”

“I’ll be here,” you replied, your voice warm. “Thank you again, Vice—...Lohen.” You laughed. “Thanks, Lohen.”

With his ears burning hot, he gave you a curt nod.

You stood in a field of tiny blue flowers, and with your hands cupped around a cluster of luminescent bulbs, you said, “They’re beautiful.”

Lohen stared after your back, watching the sway of your hair in the frigid winds. You turned to face him with a smile hotter than crimson agate, warming straight through his core when you asked, “Don’t you think so, Lohen?”

“...Yeah,” he said, his eyes flicking away from yours. “Really beautiful.”

“I can see how this would have laid such a romantic scene for the main characters. As gelid as these winds are, and as withered as the trees appear to be…there are still intimate spots of beauty like this.” You grinned. “It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”

“Mhm. Something like that.”

You laughed, kneeling down to observe the flowers. The fact that such a simple, boring thing could bring so much joy to your face was oddly…humbling. He struggled to understand whether you acted this way because of your weakness, or if finding pleasure in the banal was instead your strength.

Wooo…

An increasingly cold wind swept by, and by the sound of its pitch, Lohen could sense danger on the horizon. Immediately on high alert, he brandished his lance, his eyes navigating the thickening snow for the source of the threat.

“Library girl,” he said. “Get up.”

“Huh? Is something wrong—?”

“Oh shit,” he said, his eyes widening. “Run, run, run!”

As he tackled into you, hooking his arm under yours to pull you along, you let out a surprised yelp. The thickening snow was approaching faster, and by the timbre of the wind accompanying it, he could tell that a wave of white-out was about to occur. This far into the mountains with you, he didn’t have the luxury to enjoy battling the stinging cold and burying himself out of avalanches with his bare hands. Not when you were involved.

He practically dragged you into a nearby cave, lurching into a dark and cavernous space that was just big enough for the two of you. You stumbled onto your hands and knees when he stopped, your back heaving up and down with air-starved breaths.

“You…! You run really fast…!”

He winced. “Er. Sorry?”

“It’s…it’s okay.” You rolled over into a sitting position, sighing. “Though I can’t lie…I nearly had a heart attack when you told me to run. It’s not like you to sound so scared about something.”

Scared? He hadn’t felt anything similar to fear in a long time. He just didn’t like the thought of losing you in the middle of a snowstorm, you with your vision, which was practically just an accessory for you. A pretty one that complimented your skin, but still.

With a grunt, Lohen lowered himself to the ground beside you. Outside the hollow of the cave, the snow piled faster than torrential rain. As he watched it fall, he propped his chin in his hand. Taking a glance at you, he said, “We’ll just have to lay low for a while. Once the blizzard passes, we’ll head for the foot of the mountain.”

You nodded. Content with that, Lohen turned his focus to the mouth of the cave once more.

And then it was quiet. Just you and him, sitting beside each other in the snug little cave, silent. As time stretched on, a gnawing feeling ate away at him like a munching caterpillar. He drummed his fingers against his knee, tried to focus on the petrous patterns of the walls. Anything to distract himself.

“...Phoo,” you breathed all of a sudden.

Lohen turned, and as soon as he took you in, his eyes widened. Your body was trembling as you wrapped your arms around your legs, your teeth chattering audibly against the hollow walls of the cave. He glanced at the snowstorm outside, then back at you, and acutely realized that you did not possess his nigh-invincible level of immunity to the cold.

Quietly, he slipped his coat off his shoulders, taking his cape alongside it. Quieter still, he dumped it into your lap. When you looked up at him, he tried not to return your gaze, lest the flames in his cheeks decide to smolder any hotter.

He heard the rustle of fabric. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched you lay his coat over top of yourself.

“Thank you,” you murmured.

He turned his head even further, smirking at the wall. “No big deal.”

“How are you so unfazed by this? It’s f-freezing.”

“Uh, cryo vision, remember?”

“W-well yes, but still.” You shuddered, letting a breath out with it. “I have a vision, but…it doesn’t make me any less sensitive to my element.”

“Probably ‘cause you never even use it,” Lohen drawled. Turned away from you like this, it was a bit easier to talk to you. “Got blessed by the Gods and you spend all your time reading novels. Isn’t that boring?”

“Hm…let me ask you the same question, then. You spend all your time playing tricks on your colleagues and eliminating the enemy, yes? Don’t you find it boring to not have…well…a real hobby?”

“Huh? Those are totally real hobbies, though.”

“I’m quite sure if we went around asking the other knights what their hobbies are,” you laughed, “they would not include poisonings and murder. Aside from that, what do you like to do, Lohen?”

He tapped his finger against his cheek repeatedly, frowning at the wall. If you took away his tasteful pranks and his insatiable bloodlust, then he was left with…

“Well,” he stammered. “Uh. I guess…I did read a bit of that book. So reading?”

“As happy as I am that you’ve made progress, I think it’s a bit early to label that as a hobby.”

His brows furrowed. “What do you even consider a hobby?”

“Something you do for fun. But, it’s also something you can do with others. Safely.”

“I always see you reading by yourself, though.”

You let out a close-lipped laugh. He heard you shuffling, then felt the warmth of your arm against his. Quickly, his head snapped to yours, and with your arms poking out through the gaps of his coat, thick novel bound to both hands, you asked, “Why don’t we read together, then?”

“Wait. Slow down.”

A laugh. “You can’t handle this?”

“Fuck no. Just slow down.”

Lohen’s brows were furrowed, his eyes struggling to absorb the text as fast as yours were. You laughed when you reversed the page, bringing him back to the sentence he was at before your rude interruption. He lifted his finger to the paper, mumbling the words under his breath as he searched for the right paragraph.

“...Ah,” he said. “That one.”

“Oh, that’s when the heroine meets the male lead. You like that part?”

“Well. Kinda.” Lohen shrugged. “He’s, like, a super cool war general, right? Stronger than a thousand troops.”

Your smile curled further upwards. “He is. I suppose he does sound like your kind of character.”

“...What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” you answered. “Just that, well. You’re an incredibly strong man yourself. In a way, you remind me of him.”

“...Oh, yeah? What kinda way?”

You blinked, and ever so quickly, snapped your head away from his. Stammering, you said, “N-nevermind.”

“Huh?” Lohen raised an eyebrow. “Wait…are you embarrassed?”

“No,” you said stiffly.

He smirked. “Looks like you’re embarrassed to me. You thinking something weird about me, library girl?”

“N-no,” you repeated, shaking your head. “And please stop calling me library girl.”

“But you never told me your name, library girl.”

“Ugh, I…” You brought a hand to your head, rubbing it furiously. “It’s because it’s embarrassing. Actually, you know what? Just keep calling me library girl.”

“Well, now I really wanna know.” He pressed closer to you, his shoulder touching yours. “What’s your name?”

“Library girl,” you mumbled.

“As far as I can tell, this snowstorm isn’t stopping any time soon. You really think you can get away with keeping your little secret until it stops?”

“I can try.”

“I doubt you’ll be very successful.”

Your eyes flicked to his. He froze where he sat, realizing just how close your faces had become. This close to you, he could count each and every one of those pretty eyelashes you had, take note of the exact millimeter measurements of your round pupils.

You looked conflicted about it, but after a brief pause, you acceded to his request.

“It’s not the name I go by,” you said in a mumble. “It just happens to be my Mondstatian one. My parents believed in Barbatos’s principle of giving children the freedom to name themselves…so I was hardly old enough to speak when I picked it.”

“Hm. Sounds like a bad idea.”

“It really was. Because I was so young, I decided I wanted to be called…”

You said it, but it was in such a low mutter that he had to crane his ear closer. Brows furrowed, he said, “Huh?”

“B…” You were sheepish. “Bun…ny.”

Lohen’s eyes widened.

“You’re fucking with me.”

“This is why I don’t tell anyone—.”

“You went and named yourself ‘Bunny’?” he asked, snorting. “You mean you have to sign that on your papers and everything every time you want to travel? Stamp all your official letters with it? That’s hilarious!”

“I know!” you complained, your brows furrowed. “You don’t have to remind me!”

“Sorry, that’s just…!” He leaned his head back, laughing. “It’s just so ridiculous! I can’t believe anyone would let their kid name themselves that!”

You let out a groan, plopping your face into your palms. Glaring at the mouth of the cave, you growled, “Why did I even tell you?”

Lohen’s laughs slowed down, and with a swipe of his finger under his eyes, he brought his amused tears away. Observing your frustrated expression with a smile, he scoffed through his nose.

“Oh, don’t be so embarrassed about it. Everyone I know loves bunnies! Especially me.”

You shot him a look, then shuffled a touch away from him. When he realized how honestly he had spoken, his cheeks flared with warmth.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, the corner of his grin twitching. “Don’t look at me like I’m a weirdo.”

You shuffled even further. Obstinately, he shuffled right back next to you.

“I thought you were cold,” he said.

“I’m very much warm now, thank you.”

“Then can I have my coat back?”

“...No.”

You didn’t move away from him this time. That fact alone gave him goosebumps—and also went straight to his head.

“Aren’t I warm?” he murmured, ignoring the flames that erupted in his face because of it. “Huh, Bunny?”

You went ramrod stiff. He adored that.

“Bunny,” he drawled. “Silence isn’t exactly an answer, you know?”

“Wh-what is wrong with you?” you asked. “Is this…your way of messing with me?”

“Huh. Well, I guess it’s one of the only ways I can. You’d probably die of a heart attack if I tried anything else. You know, just like how bunnies fall over at any and everything.”

“I wish I never told you,” you said, your eyes pressed closed. “I really wish I never did.”

“Definitely going to use it to mess with you from now on.”

“I can see that.”

He snorted. “Guess some things are better kept a secret, huh?”

You paused. Turning those eyes of yours onto his, the ones that he’d study forever if you’d let him, you softly said, “No, it’s only fair. It’s easier to communicate when I know your name and you know mine.”

Easier to communicate, huh?

He had only just realized it, but he was cracking jokes and talking to you like normal now. Was this sense of closeness brought on by Dragonspine, which forced even the most seasoned of adventurers to form alliances to weather its storms? Was it a fleeting moment of warmth, a kindle of flame that would extinguish underneath the thick blanket of snow as soon as you parted ways? What was this feeling in his chest that plucked his heart strings, that made him feel nothing but a hollow ache when he thought of leaving you?

“...Are you scared?”

Your voice cut through the silence. You lifted a hand, hesitated, then slowly placed it over top of his.

“Wh…what,” he sputtered, his arm stiffening, “are you doing? I’m not fucking scared. I’m the Vice Captain of the 5th Company, remember? I’m practically stronger than a whole platoon.”

“This part of you reminds me of the character in the novel,” you murmured. Your hand rubbed the back of his, wringing a strangled noise from his throat. “When confronted with fear…challenged by an invisible threat that you can’t wrap your hands around…you try to flee. You’re not very honest with yourself, are you, Lohen?”

Your hand was on his. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? For you to touch him and talk to him like you were his? Why did he feel so bittersweet about how it was proceeding?

He blurted his thoughts as they occurred. “I’m embarrassed as shit. I was hoping this would be…that I’d be cooler. But I think I’m gonna have a stroke if you keep touching me.”

“Aren’t I warm, though?” you crooned back, your mockery setting him ablaze. “Huh, Lohen?”

“Fuck,” he stammered, pressing his palm to his face. “You’re as much of a little shit as I am.”

You laughed. “That’s a good thing then, isn’t it? Maybe you and I aren’t so different after all.”

Your fingers curled through the gaps of his. His shoulders jumped, but you squeezed hard.

“Thanks for taking me to Dragonspine,” you said. “It was very kind of you.”

He had no words. All Lohen could manage was a stilted nod of his head.

“Want to read some more?” you asked. “You turn the pages this time?”

“...Sure,” he mumbled.

You brought the novel back, flipping it open and bracing it halfway on your leg, halfway on his. With your hands still joined, you used your left to manipulate the pages, and with Lohen’s right, he smoothed the bunny ear in the paper back into place.

The snow outside fell soft now, the blizzard having ended long ago. Still remaining side by side in the intimacy of that bountiful cave, you continued to enjoy each other’s company as though you had all the time in the world.

For the first time in a long time, Lohen didn’t mind taking things slow and easy. Not when it was something he could enjoy with you.

There were concerts and one-man bands, competitions for the largest pumpkin and plumpest pig. Attractions that made your stomach lurch with each loop and spin and places to get that much dreamed about tramp stamp sprayed onto your lower back. There was face painting and magicians for the little ones, and time spent with friends.

It was everything she enjoyed about the autumn season, a day she and her sisters would spend devouring every inch of the grounds, wasting a large sum of their hard earned cash on games they would never win and cotton candy that turned their mouths bright shades of pink and blue.

It was set up to be the perfect day. The local schools taking the Friday off to let sugar crazed Middle Schoolers and hormone hazed High Schoolers run wild through the fairgrounds, her sisters by her side, wrapped in warm hats and fuzzy scarfs as they picked out where they would explore first.

Yes, in theory, it was the recipe for the perfect day. They had just sat down, all three girls huddled at a picnic bench in the food court, discussing their plans and sipping on hot apple cider, when out of the corner of her eye, Nesta spotted a small group approaching them.

She could feel her blood pressure spike at the sight. One look at her youngest sister and Nesta knew she had seen them too. The guilty smile Feyre sent her way was enough evidence to let her know she wasn’t surprised by the arrival of the seemingly unexpected guests. Elain said nothing, face neutral, ever the peacemaker. Nesta narrowed her eyes at them accusingly, “You didn’t.”

Feyre at least had it in her to look ashamed as her boyfriend slid onto the bench beside her, placing a kiss on her cheek in greeting, “Hello, Feyre darling.”

“I didn’t want you to be upset,” she sighed, leaning into Rhys.

“In what timeline would I not be?” She mumbled, voice falling on deaf ears.

It wasn’t Rhyand’s presence that perturbed her, okay, well not just him alone, but it was what he brought along with him. A large, overtly loud and annoying brute of a football player that didn’t know the meaning of personal space or -

“Hello, Nes,” An amused voice sounded from her left, breath hot in her ear. She didn’t need to turn to know who it belonged to.

Cassian Castillo, her arch enemy.

Okay, arch enemy may seem a little dramatic on her part, but it was the closest thing she had to one. Cassian was the star football player at Velaris High School, he was the walking, talking definition of Tall, Dark and Handsome, with an emphasis on the tall part. She hated how he towered over her 5’6” frame, more so when they argued, using his height as a physical advantage when she was beating him down verbally. His height was the only weapon against her sharp tongue, and she liked to think she brought him down an inch every time they spared.

It was no secret how much the two hated each other, their arguments legendary throughout the years. There were times when they even forgot why they continued this dance, one they had started in public school and straight through to their senior year. There were rumours, of course, some elaborate stories of how they became enemies, some even questioning if they were secretly dating and fought to distract from their relationship.

It wasn’t true of course, Nesta would rather go her entire life alone than have to settle for that handsome, annoyingly large, idiotic brute, no matter how attractive he was. No matter how much she couldn’t help but watch his muscles ripple under the tight maroon sweater he wore. A colour she swore was created just for him. Fuck.

Nesta cleared her throat, distracting herself from her less than neutral thoughts, “It’s one thing to invite that one, but must he bring his pet?” She said gesturing to Cassian, the boy in question forcing his large body in beside hers on the too small picnic bench. Azriel chuckled but kept quiet. She liked him the most out of the three brothers, though it didn’t account for much, as she was never a fan of Feyre’s boyfriend.

“I just thought it would be nice, to spend one more day together before you guys graduate in the spring,” Feyre pouted, trying to appeal to her sister's more nostalgic side. It wasn’t working, she wouldn’t let it, but there wasn’t much point in fighting about it now.

Nesta gave a disgruntled moan, taking a hesitant slip of her hot beverage, and trying to ignore the man child beside her. “I’m thinking we head for the rides, the line for the Fireball is going to be packed before noon.”

“Why the Fireball?” Elain asked.

Cassian smiled, “We go through the ride multiple times to see who vomits their guts out first,” he explained cheerily, “We need to get there before we eat, Rhysie boy here has a weak stomach, I’m just doing my brotherly duty and giving him a fighting chance.”

“Need we remind you who lost that bet the previous year,” Azriel advised.

“I had the flu, doesn’t count,” Cassian said, giving him the finger. Mature.

“It did the year you dragged me here when I had food positing,” Rhysand grunted, taking a drink of the cider Feyre offered him.

“As I said, weak stomach,” Cassian said, as if that explained everything. “Now come on, I want to go around on each ride before the end of the day, so we better get going,” he urged, taking the rest of Nesta’s drink and chugging it in one go, “Oh, that’s good.”

“Thanks, wouldn’t know,” she glared, fists balling. She had only ad a few sips, waiting for the liquid to cool before she drank it. Gods, she hated him.

She did not argue, as it was an overall vote to head for the attractions. The sisters, minus Feyre who rode the roller coaster once, watched them as they went around and around, until Rhysand came off the ride, vomiting onto the cement at his girlfriend's feet.

Cassian cheered as Azriel spit up into the trash can and declared himself the winner, offering his cheek to Nesta, “A kiss for the champion?” he asked her. He pouted as he rubbed his cheek, the only kiss he earned being one at the receiving end of her palm.

The entirety of the day played out much the same. Feyre and Rhysand making googly eyes at each other, holding hands and sharing multiple kisses that made the group gag. Elain and Azriel walked along behind in comfortable silence, Azriel even winning Elain and stuff minion, which earned him an awkward smile from her sister. There was a time when they may have gotten together, but what may have been romance blossomed into a beautiful friendship. She was grateful for that, it was bad enough Azriel was romancing one of her best friends, she didn’t need another prospected brother-in-law from this family.

At the tail end were Nesta and Cassian, the leftovers, arguing over everything from what ride was next on the list, to the booths and stalls they would visit, to even what foods they would consume. Even something as simple as the bathroom breaks were fought over. Every opportunity to disagree, to get in each other’s face was taken, and it was driving the rest of them mad.

It was around 8 pm when the sun began to set below the horizon, the lights from the attractions blocking out the stars above in their hazy, colourful glow. It was then that Rhysand suggested the Ferries Wheel. Nesta felt her blood grow cold and chest tighten at the mention of that dreadful ride. Not much ruffled Nesta, she was the personification of composed in almost any situation, unmoveable.

It was the threat of being more than a few metres off the ground that caused her body to respond in a way that even she couldn’t control.

She had never told anyone about her phobia, preferring to bury it deep down, along with all of her other insecurities. Some would call it avoidance, Nesta would call it self-preservation. Her parents, sisters, nor her two best friends were privy to her deep-rooted fear. So when Rhys suggested they all take a ride, Nesta’s body went into lockdown, brain wired to do anything and everything to protect itself.

“I think I’ll pass,” Nesta told the group as they approached the indomitable steel demon. Even just the look of it made her stomach flip with anxiety.

“Awww, come on Nessie, it’s just a Ferris Wheel, you’ve only been on two rides,” Cassian taunted, slinging an arm around her. She had refused to go on any rides that propelled them into the air, giving no logical explanation to her dismissal. Apparently, she was so unpleasant to be around, that it didn’t take much more than a few choice words and an annoyed glare to get them off her back. This would be no different.

“I won't waste my money or time circling on an overpriced eyesore, I’m perfectly fine on the ground,” she protested, a little too specific if Cassian’s look said anything.

He raised an eyebrow, “Scared Nes?” the excitement in his voice was prominent, the enjoyment of finding any weakness in her armour amusing him. She bristled.

Feyre on the other hand, looked irritated, “It’s just the Ferris Wheel Nesta, come join us or someone will be paired with a stranger,” she whined.

“I don’t want to, Feyre,” she said through clenched teeth. Rhys was about to tell her it was fine, that they could move along, when Feyre stomped cross the space between them.

“A word,” she said, face beat red as she dragged her off to the side a few feet from the ears of the group.

Feyre turned to face her as they stopped, “Nesta, please, I think Rhys is going to give me a promise ring, and I want it to be romantic, so please, just get on the ride, you can deal with Cassian for a few minutes!”

Nesta huffed, crossing her arms in a physical form of protection against an invisible enemy, “Why does it matter if I’m on the ride, he isn’t fucking proposing to me,” she shot back.

“Cassian wants to ride and I want this to be as painless as possible for all of us,” Feyre explained, taking a calming breath. “Cassian and Azriel are too big to fit in one seat, and he and Elain are finally back on talking terms after that entire shit show with Gwyn,” her sister went on, face growing redder with every word.

“Besides, you owe me,” she announced, holding up a hand to stop the older from speaking, “You both have been arguing all day, ruining it for everyone. Hell, the fighting has been non-stop since you were ten, and we have all had to put up with it. So I just need you to do this for me, keep Cassian occupied so I can have my moment with my boyfriend.”

Nesta looked away and back at her sister, mulling over her options. She loved her sister, wanted her to be happy and have her teenage romance. But, she didn’t want her to have it at the expense of her own sanity.

“Nesta, please,” Feyre begged, giving her sister her best puppy dog eyes, and Nesta broke. Just like Feyre knew she would.

By the time the two girls made it back to the group, it was their time to board. Feyre and Rhys were the first to be seated along with Elain and Azriel right behind them. Nesta and Cassian were last, taking occupancy three seats behind their siblings. She was thankful for that. Now if only Cassian would not be the one bearing witness to her inevitable breakdown.

But she steeled herself like she always did, pushing any uncontrolled emotions down that threatened to burst through her shields, begging for release. She was a rock, an island, solid, unmoveable. She would not break.

She felt a surge of pride zip through her as she sat down on the worn seat of the death machine, her heart a steady rhythm in her chest as she made herself as comfortable as she could beside the overbearing male beside her. He took up far too much room in the tiny space, their sides flush against each other’s, but she did not falter. It wasn’t until she heard the click of the safety bar fall into place that her confidence wavered, the sound alone sending an electric shock through every nerve ending. It made her feel claustrophobic, trapped, and she gripped the bar slowly, tightly, looking for anything to keep her hands from visibly shaking.

She knew she was done for when the ride picked up, launching them skyward. If she weren’t so petrified, she could admire the view, the lights, the stars, the moon taking its place in the sky above them. It was no wonder Rhys wanted to use the Ferris Wheel as the backdrop for their horrid display, it was shamelessly romantic.

The first turn was bearable, Cassian chattering on in her ear, Nesta ignoring him, attempting to keep herself from vomiting over the side of the ride onto unsuspecting victims. The second she could feel her body locking up, her lungs constricting under the weight of her bubbling fear. The third was the worst, and Nesta swore she would surely die as they reached the top of the ride. And stopped.

—————————

It was hard for people to believe that Cassian enjoyed the Ferris Wheel. He was a thrill seeker by nature, just like on the football field, he loved to follow the adrenaline rush of the faster, more heart stopping attractions. Gravitating towards those that left your throat sore from screaming and your stomach nauseous from the continuous loops. The more terrifying and neck breaking the better.

So it seemed unusual that he would appreciate the milder ride, but like in his everyday life, he needed a moment of calm. The gentle sway of the flimsy seat relaxed him, the lights and music below fading into a pleasant hum in the background of his thoughts as they continued their circle of the wheel. He didn’t mind having a one sided conversation with himself, but was surprised that the girl beside him did not respond to his incessant babbling, or his snide remarks he so often baited her with. He was always itching to face that fiery untamed anger of hers. She had never made it a secret her dislike of him, but she was always prepared for a fight, ready with hackles raised and a long list of rather colourful insults that would make even him flinch, but she continued to stay eerily quiet.

He assumed Nesta’s out of character attitude was due to the forced proximity, she had protested so valiantly that he had become somewhat embarrassed of how adamant she was about distancing herself from him. He had showered that morning, put cologne and deodorant on, so he defiantly didn’t stink. Even over the years of shared insults and violent arguments, he never thought he was that repulsive.

It wasn’t until the ride had come to a complete stop at the very top did he hear the sharp intake of breath, followed by a slow, controlled exhale from his right. It almost sounded like she was in pain, injured, but there were no threats here, had she hurt herself before getting on the ride, was she bleeding, did she need medical attention?

“Nesta?” He asked, shuffling, causing the steel basket they occupied to swing slightly. The whimper of anguish that escaped her had every inch of him on high alert. He surveyed her, trying to get a glimpse of any outward representation of what was hurting her, but he found none. Physically, she was fine.

Cassian paused, looking at her from a different perspective. He noted her hands, clenched to the safety bar, body hunched in an attempt to make herself smaller, her protection instincts kicking in. He watched her body shake from the force of her terror and tuned into every strangled breath and wheezing exhale she produced. She was trying to control her breathing, or lack thereof, as it seemed she was almost holding her breath to keep from screaming out in fear. And he knew that if he could see her face, her eyes would be dilated, hyper fixated on anything that would keep her from completely detaching herself from reality.

Cassian felt his heart constrict painfully in his chest as he fully took her in. The urge to wrap her in his arms was overpowering, to defend her against any threat, but there was no physical danger to her, and he felt helpless. How had she made it through seventeen years of her life and not let anyone know that she was petrified of heights? Was Nesta truly so scared, so distrustful of others, that she never allowed anyone, even her own sisters, to see her weak spots? Had she never confided in anyone her biggest fears?

He watched her knuckles turn white as they gripped the bar in front of her like a tether, something to ground her, remind her that there was something between her and the ground below.

Without a second thought, Cassian attempted to angel himself better without rocking the seat. He did not wish to spook her further, but the need to be closer, to comfort, was so strong that he couldn’t stifle the urge to touch.

“Nesta,” he whispered, trying to pull her attention from her fear to him. He tried twice more to get her attention before raising his hand and gently placing it on her back. Her lack of reception to his touch unnerved him, eyes still transfixed on the ground as her body continued to rattle violently. “Nesta, look at me,” he said firmly, the tone of his voice low, deeper than anything she had heard, a commanding hardness lacing each word.

Her reaction was immediate, head turning to face him at the command, clearly shocked by the control in it, but it had done its job and diverted her attention to him. She didn’t fight him as he wrapped an arm around her, unhooking her hands from the bar and watching as they trembled in his grip. Cassian held her writs in his palm, rubbing gently over her racing pulse point, in slow soothing circles. He could see the trepidation in her eyes, and wondered if Nesta heard his words at all or was just reacting to the tone of his voice.

“You need to breathe, Sweetheart,” he urged, keeping his voice calm and steady, trying to balance the panic in his own voice to sound authoritative enough that she would listen and react, silently praying that the Ferris Wheel would send them back down to the ground, removing the centre of her stress.

He could feel her fist clench in his grasp and allowed her to grip onto his shirt, something to anchor herself in reality, and held her close, trying to think of anything he could do to help her against the invisible enemy. Her breathing was still coming out in strangled gasps and Cassian was growing more concerned every second they did not move. “Nesta, breathe, just breath, in- and out,” he instructed, repeating the order and coaching her every breath to bring her heartbeat back to normal. “Breathe in- breathe out-, breathe in-, breathe out,” he continued, keeping his instructions simple and his voice steady as he guided her breathing. She was surprisingly receptive to his orders, mimicking his actions and taking in his scent with each inhale.

It was minutes of the repeated motions before her breathing began to slow. Cassian had not once stopped his coaching, rubbing her pulse point and allowing her body to relax against his once her muscles released the majority of the tension she was holding.

Nesta felt her emotions too keenly, even minimal ones were amped up to the highest extremes, to heights he didn’t think just one person could rightfully handle. Even her sense of fear.

“Nesta, look at me,” he told her, needing to gauge her current state.

“Cassian…” She acknowledged him, and he could see her brain trying to come up with an excuse for her actions, obviously embarrassed by the entire ordeal. Even this she couldn’t help but fight about. He cut her off before she could continue. She needed to calm down, not ramp herself back up.

“Don’t talk, just focus on me, on my touch, on my voice, nothing else,” he told her, bringing her closer to his body, to his own steady heartbeat, “Nothing else matters, just you and me and here and now.” The encouragement seemed to help as she did not fight him, did not question his reasoning or intentions and did as she was told while he talked her through it. He had never done this before, but she was reacting positively to his actions, and he wouldn’t let go until she pushed him away.

“It’s beautiful up here, the lights,” he went on, giving her something to concentrate on, “Quiet, peaceful-“

“Not with you’re continuous chatter,” Nesta huffed out. Of course, the first words out of her mouth in minutes would be her telling him to shut up. He enjoyed her bite, but never so much as he did right now.

He felt her tense again as the Ferris Wheel lurched back into motion, not coming to a complete end, but instead sending them on a prospective five more loops. It granted Nesta some time to collect herself, not entirely, but enough to allow her to come back from the sense of detachment she was currently feeling. Just enough for her to shield her panic behind the mask of interference she so often wore, unwilling to permit anyone else to see her in such a state.

Her skin was cold and clammy, and the baby hairs by her temples were wet with perspiration and sticking to her skin. She kept her eyes closed and hands clenched in his sweater as he rubbed her back in slow even circles, noting the shudders that racked her body were now few and far between. There was almost no gap between them, his focus entirely on her and her comfort, but he enjoyed the fresh scent coming off her hair anyway.

He remained a silent but strong presence, feeling her breathing evening out and wanting her to have a moment where she could regulate herself, to stand on her own two feet like he knew she was desperately trying to do. It was so important to this girl to have the ability to face everyone once the ride stopped, head held high with none the wiser to her discomfort. For she was too proud to show them this weakness, and he wouldn't force her to confront them.

He offered her the dignity of pulling away from her before the ride came to a complete stop, watching as she forced that mask of pure nonchalance onto her face with more difficulty than he had ever seen, but her eyes were what gave her away. Slightly glossed over and blinking continue to force the back the tears that threatened to expose her. She didn’t say a word as she exited, not once looking at his face.

“Are you okay?” Cassian questioned, quickly following behind her towards the group waiting for them a few feet away. Feyre and Elain squealing with delight. “You don’t have to be embarrassed,” he told her. Wrong thing to say, but he realized it too late. Proud bitch, he thought.

“I’m not,” she growled, whirling around and blocking his path as they made their way down from the ride, “This never happened, and I will deny it if you ever bring it up, so if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your fat mouth shut.”

“I’m not making fun of you, Nesta, not for this,” Cassian confirmed, holding his hands up in surrender, his voice nothing but a whisper, “Never this.”

“Whatever,” was her only response as she scurried away, completely ignoring any reply that he might have given.

“Nesta!” Feyre yelled excitedly, waving her hand in the air, the shiny opal ring on her finger glittering in the light of the ride behind them, “Oh, Nesta, look at-“ but he was cut off as her sister rushed past her, ignoring both her sisters cries as they begged her to come back.

“Can you guys not go one minute without fighting?” Feyre sighed, turning to Cassian.

Cassian shrugged, watching Nesta’s retreating back, “What can I say, we just bring out the best in each other.”

He would never bring it up again if he didn't have to, would never use this display of weakness against her, something she went to great lengths to hide. It hurt to think she would prefer to lock away her fear than expose herself to even her closest friends, her family. Cassian thought it made her human, but all Nesta saw was a deficiency, a crack in her carefully sculpted armour.

And like her, he would never admit how his own heart skipped a beat as she clung to him, her small body wrapped around his for comfort in a way he had only dreamed about. How like her, Cassian would never admit out loud how he had, since that fateful day in fifth grade, falling for the girl who bit and snarled at him like a caged animal.