It’s 2018 and I’d like see everyone open relating. Open relating to me is the notion that there is nothing I can’t bring to my partner. Complete transparency and that all of me is welcome. It’s my belief that we’re all on a spectrum of monogamous to polyamorous and the less we can get caught up on those labels the freer we will feel.
The way we operate in old paradigm relationships as modelled by our parents and grandparents is that trust is when a set of rules and agreements are made and not broken. ‘When this happens, over some time, I will learn to trust you’.
This is not trust as I experience it. Creating one set of rules that one must abide to over a life time kills intimacy. We are all constantly changing, and the energy of the relationship that ties us together is changing rapidly along side us.
Majority of the clients I see who have difficulty with intimacy show similar symptoms. They’ve created intense rules in the relationship which one person (or both people) has found suffocating after some time, trust has been broken, or worse the trust isn’t broken and boredom sets in, and intimacy is dying.
Intimacy dying comes in the form of poor sexual connection, sexual dysfunction, resentful communication, pressure to perform and show up in the relationship in a certain way or not being able to say whats really on their minds.
All these issues stem from a lack of trust. Real trust is a frequency, an energy I can experience in my body. It is not when boundaries and agreements are kept and I feel safe. It’s a safety I’ve created in my own body by becoming the most authentic version I can be of myself I can be (warts and all).
My body feels trust, not by a memory of what trust felt like when someone offered me their trust. A deep knowing of trusting myself and making my body my ally.
I find open relating to be a bit like learning meditation or a spiritual practice, at first you may have 1001 questions, and worry that you should try and do it in the ways that everyone around you is doing it. But after a while you just start to know how you feel inside and what works for you.
Recently a couple approached me and asked me for some advice on opening up their relationship to other people. They started to talk and she shared to him:
‘I don’t want you just going to some party and coming home and telling me you’ve hooked up with a girl, thats not how it’s going to look.’
There’s this notion of what is respectful that we’ve taking on from our elders and what looks like cheating, and how certain actions will make us look in front of others. This is shame, and shame is not a attribute we will be taking in to the new paradigm of relationships.
We often assert how things are going to look from a place of fear and not having trust in our own bodies. I recommend sharing from a place of vulnerability so the above statement may be communicated something like this:
‘Right now I feel if you were to hook up with a girl at a party spontaneously, it may increase my anxiety as I am just learning how to assert my boundaries without placing rules on how you can and can not act.’
What we’ve done there is owned what is our truth and communicated from a space of trust in our own body. This kind of communication makes a the person understand your emotions without feeling wronged or attacked.
The truth is that no ‘label’ or ‘rule’ in a relationship has the ability to keep you safe (Not even monogamy). Communication and trust that you’ve created inside of yourself is your only ally.
When we have real trust in our body then we can let things unfold exactly how the universe intended.
Remember any triggers that arise are there to bring you back to your truth which is love. Love is free, love moves and dances to the beat of its own drum. And only when we let love dance does it keep showing up for us. Beaming through our souls so we can see it on our faces.
Disclosure: It took me a long time to feel trust in my body, my body went into freeze many times and I purged the emotions from my nervous system into my relationships through blame, boundaries and manipulation. Even when I believed in the universe and divine timing, my body still carried a lot of fear that I had to learn how to shift. If you can feel you may be carrying some old baggage that’s stopping you trusting yourself, please get in touch. I have some tools to share that could liberate you to the free love you wish to experience.
