#on creativity

for example, if i set aside time to write or read or make art i simply will not. i will instead stress-sweat my way through those icebergs of time until they melt and i can once again do something else.

instead, my method HAS to be chaotic. it cannot be formal. it has to be me randomly sitting down and happily realizing there is 15% battery on my computer— enough to write a frantic four paragraphs. i have to read six chapters of a book standing upright in my kitchen, eating messy unstirred peanut butter spilled onto ritz crackers or else i will not read at all. i have to start an oil painting by grabbing the worst piece of a graphite you’ve seen in your life and scribbling something unpolished into the center of a canvas.

it’s like as soon as my brain realizes that something is formal or set aside for a distinct purpose that it instead must remain untouched lest i be found inadequate by my own yardstick. this is a baffling system for me; and one that i never really see represented or talked about.

a (tumultuous) new year

been having a lot of emotions about the new year and everything going on in the world and the idea that i am stuck (i am literally 23 but my brain is like you're practically in the grave) and my personal life. you have to remind yourself that it is never too late to start. a new year can start any day.