My dad used to say, a good friend has your best interest in mind and wishes you well regardless of the status of your friendship. They will always be there for you and advise you to do what they believe is best for you, even if they don’t gain or would lose from it. If you had a fall out with this person, you can trust that they will come through for you when you need them, speak kindly about you, and never think to sabotage you.

I hold this value near and dear to my heart. It helps me navigate through tough times. I seek this in others just as much as I try to deliver it. When it comes to relationships, after a break up, I always propose friendship because I believe being able to stay in each other’s lives, wish each other well, and serve one another through friendship is an act of true, unconditional love. Love can transform from romantic to friendly or vise versa. No matter what form it takes, it’s still love and its still pure.

I’ve never had a hard time being happy for my exes. I genuinely see their wins as my wins. Recently, I’ve been reminded that I can be happy and celebrate someone’s win, and still feel heartache or left behind. Though the two feelings are on opposite sides of the spectrum, they don’t conflict with one another. They just run parallel with each other. I feel clear in the joy that I have seeing him thrive and finding happiness with someone else. After meeting his new person, seeing her smile when she talks about him made me smile for her. It felt great to see things work out.

I also felt things I wasn’t ready for. With every milestone we make in our friendship, I find myself letting go of a piece of our romantic relationship that I didn’t even know I was holding onto. As mentioned in a previous post, I feel I’ve said goodbye to him in so many ways, and each time I do it, residual heartaches come to surface. I don’t know how long this is supposed to go for but it surprises me every time. 

6. I don’t even like eggs

My cousins used to joke that it would be entertaining to explore dating different types of people and lean into their hobbies so hard, we’d practically shape shift into them. Maybe, at first, we’d date a guy who’s in a band and turn into a groupie. Then after him, we’d date a hippie and all of a sudden, you’d find us at silent retreats, saving our orange peels and veggie scraps to compost at home. The idea was kind of empowering. Instead of only dating your “type”, or pulling a Maggie* and losing yourself in relationships...you’d choose to free yourself from who you think you should be and immerse into someone else’s world to gain new experiences. It would be intentional.  *There’s an iconic scene in Runaway Bride where Maggie (the runaway bride) gets called out for not knowing how she liked her eggs. Turns out, she always had whatever her bf, at the time, had. As a soul searching exercise, she tries every style of eggs to determine which was her favorite.

5. Dancing like no one’s watching

Not that anyone asked but there’s a reason why I’m here. Why I started a tumblr. I wanted a space to express myself. Whether it be through writing, pictures/videos, or music. I want to hold myself accountable to practicing authenticity every day. That means saying my thoughts and feelings even if its embarrassing or putting my insecurities on blast. I want tumblr to be the space where I can dance as if nobody’s watching.

Most of the time, I feel that I’m unapologetically myself BUT...

A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that maybe I’m not living my most honest life. I don’t always say how I feel. Not even to myself. These last couple of months, I’ve even found that there are things I hide from myself. Can you believe that? It’s some form of denial, I guess. Not sure why humans do this, but I think it’s because we’re avoiding judgement. If not from others, from ourselves. It’s kind of crazy that I’m not worried about what people will think of me. I’m worried about what I think they’ll think of me...aka it’s all in my head. Which ultimately means, my worries are based on what I think of myself, not what others think. I guess what they say is true, you are your biggest critic. Even though I feel like I have a lot of love for myself, I’m learning that there are parts of me that still need reprogramming. What am I so worried about that I had to hide it from myself? So far, I’ve discovered two things: 1. That no matter what grades I’ve made, jobs I’ve landed, or incomes I’ve brought in...I have yet to consider myself as someone smart 2. That sometimes, I wonder I let the one go. And sometimes, I wonder if we’ll get back together

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I love this holiday :). If you know me, it might seem off brand. I’m not organically a romantic and there’s only been a couple Valentine’s day where I actually had a significant other, but idk, 2/14 is always a good day! 

My last situationship ended in June. We’re still great friends and can talk about anything, including our love lives with other people (currently, I don’t have a love life lol but you know what I mean). We weren’t this compatible during our relationship but something about being friends has made him less defensive and me less sensitive. With those things out of the way, real talk gets v real. I know it’s unconventional to be friends with your ex (and I mean real friends...not the kind you hook up with), but if people knew how much it can heal and grow them, I think they’d reconsider. Unless your ex is trash...in that case #swervehard.

Anyway, why I’m really here...He’s moved on to someone new. He told me the other day that his feelings are really growing for her. He looked happy and it genuinely warmed my heart. At the same time, I felt a little bit of sadness. I’m officially not his girl anymore. Post break up, we still had a very loving relationship. He told me he wanted me to consider that there could be an ‘us’ in the future. Each of us, at different times, expressed that we still had romantic feelings for each other and wanted to pursue it. Any time it was coming from him, I’d tell him I couldn’t, and he’d respect it...but I would always tell him that I knew how he felt because I felt it too. When it was me, he told me that he wanted to explore life freely without a partner. I understood.  At the end of the day, we weren’t right for each other. In spite of knowing so, I think I’m slightly sad that the little bit of hope for a ‘future us’ is finally gone. I think we both needed this to happen...I should thank her - for showing him that he can release me so I can release him. 

Today, he texted me Happy Valentine’s Day. It made me smile. He also posted a v cute story of her on IG. She’s beautiful. Happy for him, happy for future me, kinda sad for me in that moment.

It’s funny that I can be sad about losing a future I didn’t 100% want for myself. Also funny that I can say goodbye to him so many times but still feel residual heartaches each time - no matter how much progress I’ve made in moving on. It’s like the we keep trying to close this chapter but the story continues even though there’s nothing to tell. I’m not saying that this part of our story is not worth experiencing or beautiful. I’m just saying, who’s watching the OC after Marissa dies…except for the people who needed physical evidence to prove that their theory about the show going downhill was, indeed, correct. If you’re a ride or die, you’d watch it till the end and still find joy in it…that was me. I still loved the idea of ‘us’ even though I couldn’t see it out. I guess its human to experience conflicting feelings. How often do we love things that aren’t good for us or shy away from things that are good for us? How many ways can you really love someone?