#olivesdiary

My parents and I watched the The Wedding Banquet and Eat Drink Man Woman last night. I didn’t think anyone would have interest in seeing these films with me but, to my surprise, my dad was pretty enthusiastic about it :).

There’s so many nuances in the Asian culture that is hard to explain so I really appreciate story telling that captures our essence and values...especially when it has to do with being Asian American or first/second generation. Sometimes I watch to see if the characters are relatable...maybe hoping to see if my experiences are portrayed in a way that can help me understand myself. Most of the times, I’m seeking to better understand the traditional way of thinking. I often wonder what my shortcomings are when it comes to being an Asian daughter. I feel bad my parents had to assimilate in order to fit in. I wonder what ways of thinking they didn’t want to but had to give up in order to make others comfortable. I wonder if I can give them permission to be the person they want to be and not who they think they need to be because they are in America. 

I have a lot of thoughts about being Asian. One of them revolves around secrecy and stoicism. The films we watched did a great job highlighting how children hide things from the parents in order to avoid disappointing them. And parents hide things from their children to protect their feelings. I find when I talk to my American friends, they prefer to be direct and find it inefficient to beat around the bush. I see where they’re coming from but I don’t think it’s wrong to be indirect. Just like I don’t think there’s a “right” way to live. We’re all raised in different environments that hold different values. Who’s to say your way of thinking is better than mine? My way of thinking may make you uncomfortable, but I’m allowed to have my own process, just as you are allowed to have yours. We just have to find a way to live in harmony with each other. Asian culture may seem indirect and steer away from conflict...but the beauty behind this is that we do it to avoid burdening others...it’s a love language. You could argue that honesty is the best policy. I also value this - I would love to be looped in and understand the burden someone is choosing to carry for me without my knowledge. What if it was unnecessary? What if a simple conversation could resolve the issue and make both parties happier?  I’d love to be in a world where being honest and direct is easy. But I also see so much value in being indirect and soft spoken. I’ve had family give me the kindest reality checks. The way they speak to me has so much thoughtfulness and love. Maybe they get through to me by telling me a story that parallels my life or sweetly volunteer ideas based on their experiences. It requires me to be much more attentive and read in between the lines, but it gets the job done.  In the right context we can become more emotionally intelligent and trusting from this exercise. 

My dad is very stoic and a man of little words. He’s someone who doesn’t even want to call T-mobile to tell them that they wrongly charged him. But I know if he’s not speaking up, he’s either protecting someone or he’s protecting his own energy and peace. I know when he’s hurt even when he doesn’t tell me. I see him without him having to jump up and down to get my attention. And I hear him without him having to yell. I don’t think he should have to express himself in a way that makes him uncomfortable in order to be heard. As someone who loves him, I think its my job to allow him to live in this world the way he feels most authentic. He’s the king of avoiding and I understand that he can grow if he ventures out his comfort zone...but I’m not about to try to school an ex-refugee on what going out of their comfort zone can do for them...I think he’s done it enough for 10 lifetimes. My biggest fear with secrecy is that it could mean we may leave this earth without truly getting to know one another. However, I think if we deeply understand each others’ intentions, our hearts would learn to trust intention and not need to rely on obvious expressions or physical cues to understand one another.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted/no one asked but I’m alive! Currently living out the plans I made for 2022. I’m officially in France. I’m staying with my aunt’s about an hour from Paris. This is my third weekend here, and unfortunately, I’m sick. I’m getting over a cold/fever.

Lot’s of things have been on my mind, but the thoughts haven’t lead to anywhere just yet. 

I booked a flight to France. I’ve been saying I’d go since 2020.

Some things have come up that made me reconsider. Luckily, I usually end up doing the things I plan even if my actions don’t actively build up towards it lol. Ty subconscious mind.

Lately I’ve been feeling very neutral…which is odd for me. Normally, I have hints of motivation or inspiration in me. I’m not sure why I’m so flat right now but I am trying to not see is as an issue.

I watched an interview of Mark Manson and he said failure is in our head. The idea of what “success” and “failure” is is defined by us (or we adopt other’s ideas). We can completely redefine those concepts at any moment. Just because you didn’t meet the requirements you set for yourself doesn’t mean you failed. You could look at it as, the boxes you did check = success…and the boxes you have not checked yet is still on the list of things to do.

I’m not doing a good job explaining 😅 but I think the idea is, we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to be a certain way to fulfill a certain image. But why?

Idk why I see feeling neutral as unmotivated…just because there’s a lack of motivation doesn’t mean that I’m living without intention, does it? I’m still getting up everyday and am doing the damn thing…I just don’t feel as passionate.

The crypto world is down so I went in for the first time. I’m late to the game, I know. But a Sam Bankman-Fried interview inspired me to go for it anyway. He’s the world youngest 20 something year old billionaire. He got into crypto in 2017, after it caught popularity, and was still able to find fortune. Though I won’t be using the same strategies as him, I figure if I were gonna go in, now’s the best time to.

I think I’ve processed the pain, the doubts, the questions. At least I feel I have because I don’t feel heartache, confusion, or heavy thoughts. I hate feeling hurt by things happening around me…not because it hurts, but because it’s self-centric and self-inflicted. Like no one is “doing this to me.” I’m doing it to myself.

Not trying to gaslight myself, but so many of my of the adversity I’ve gone through feels questionable. Is it hard because of my POV? These days I try to honor my feelings. But sometimes, I’m afraid that allowing myself to feel heartaches will drag it out…at some point I have to control how I respond. 

I once heard on a podcast that the feeling of failure/not being enough is an idea that we choose to adopt. We define the criteria of failure.

It seems I can be over a relationship but still hang onto hope that there’s a possibility we’d get back together if things changed in a way that realigns us…

Though there’s good intention behind it, I think this is a somewhat toxic trait. Even if I move on, what if that hope has me reserving a piece of myself for the person I used to be with? What if I’m waiting for someone who’s not choosing me and seeing me in the way I need to be seen? If we we’re meant to be, if we were soulmates, we’d choose each other. If we’re not choosing each other…if he’s not choosing me now…then any piece of me that’s reserved for him will be neglected, disappointed, hurt, and hindering me from being fully present. That piece of me would be waiting around for someone who’s not choosing me.

I love the feeling of being inspired, unstoppable, invincible, in flow. Getting that spark of motivation that keeps me going for months, never skipping a beat. The confidence of knowing myself and trusting that everything I’m doing is right and all that’s coming for me will be aligned with my highest self.

I love when I have the self-love that allows me to live life feeling absolutely free and unapologetically myself. I love when I know that I’m enough as I am. And that no matter how often I get knocked down, I’ll still achieve what I set out to do.

I love when being me (the good, the bad and the ugly) gives people permission to be themselves. I appreciate the times when I have the sense of humor to laugh though hard times, make fun of myself, all while still hustling and taking the important things seriously. I love the balance, the energy, and the feeling that feels so right.