#oldwritings

You look at me the same you did then. When your waist was smaller, and your hair was long. You touch me the same as you did. With blushing knuckles, And grey finger tips.

You look up at me now No different, Then the night you said you hated me. Loved me, pushed me, Hit me. Your touch is burning. Different from the first time, Because now I know, That you can't help it.

How long before my feelings for you expire again?

It’s a game of chance,

I really hope you win.

But that’s where the beauty of longing is,

In the non-existent pain,

In my forever treasured love,

And my infinite replays,

Of the love affair that changed me,

In so many twisted complicated ways,

For always,

Before, during and after will never be the same.

It’s exciting not knowing where my heart will take me,

And knowing that I am healing in those little ways,

Whispers of uncertain love,

Self-discovery comes

Silently, on wings.

Coming with speed, like

Drones of a hive

On the wing.

Sometimes with love,

And sometimes with hate.

Even with violence of war

Or conflict.

Family or personal

Changes can trigger.

Like spring butterflies

Sprung from cocoons.

Self-discovery comes;

Can you see its wings?

Different for everyone;

The fate of darkness

it’s always the same feeling 

isolation despair sorrow helplessness 

people make living out to be some thrill ride that one should never get off of

but i just want to un loosen the seatbelt and let myself fall

the ups and downs are overwhelming 

why is it that everyone else gets better while i stay the same 

why can’t i go one second without wanting to die

is it too much too ask? has the world given everyone but me an opportunity to truly be happy 

no matter how much medicine how much therapy how much time i go through 

i’m always stuck in the same 4 glass walls watching everybody else be free 

no matter how much hardships others seem to be going through why do they get some reliefs of conflict while i continue on trying to act like i’m unfazed or not envious of other’s lives 

is it a cruel fate to which i am to live?

would it even matter if i were anyone else since misery has taken a claim on me

changing who i am, wanting to think i’m better cannot hide the resentment and fury i feel within me

i really wish i could say fuck it and just pretend that trying to love myself is all i need to do

but no matter how much i try it seems loving myself is something that just wasn’t meant for me 

the dark suspicious isolated awkward reluctant disgusting figure that seems to ruin everyone’s life 

but how silly of me to think so highly of myself

im not even a thought in others minds 

i cease to exist and no matter how much i think of others not a single penny of thought is given towards me

but hey at least im alive right? because being alive is what everyone wants me to be right?

yet where are those same people when i just want to say hi, have someone to actually talk to

no, no it’s only me 

of course there is the more pretty social person they would rather converse with

if dying would rid me of my conscience i would do it in a heartbeat 

if dying meant people would actually think about me for one, even for just a moment in time i’d close my eyes and let the darkness take me

Ice, the cold darkness covered the naked land, which one day once florished a spark life. A depressive silence substituted it. The chains of time have stayed still, and the flicker of of all life seems to have been extinguished. 

A small number of forms wandered through the somber forests, its shadows were endless and impenetrable, dragging those pour souls to the deepest areas in the wet claws.

Those were the last survivors of the Saragorn nation. They were once members of a proud and shiny empire, which was haunted by darkness legions, which had prevailed and thus ran that civilization to the ground, destroying it completely. 

Their houses had been stolen and now they blindly wander in the darkness, with nothing but their memories of their glorious days.

Crawling down dangerous paths after many moons, they found heralds of ligth, riding their powerful horses, and were surrounded by warmth and fire.

“The son of all light,” the heralds shouted, “one day will be delivered and a shining star will appear showing the way for a harmonious and fertile land, which is beyond the horizon.”

And with fear they predicted a long journey of sacrifice, danger and fear, through the emptyness and darkness followed by the evil legions. In this some place in the endless lost souls, they needed to find the stone stairs. In the end of those stairs the gate would take them to a new world.

***

The Rubi of Sargorn, the holy stone, the source of life of the empire, was lost. Wise men kept it safe for generations, it had saved them from evil legions, it was revealing its magic powers.

It whispered the future of the people of Saragorn.

In this vision, they would be an oasis of peace, giving them a sense of warmth and security, which emanates from their veins as warm breeze whispering stories of freedom and fraternity.

A bit of laughter spread through them, as they felt a breath of life in their skins.

And in that tiny moment they had warm and brilliant eyes, but immediately, and their eyes became blurry and the vision slowly disappeared.

Even though he sings stars to me, I can't continue sleeping in our bed Because the lie has run out of gas The truth caught up

I know now why My body can't form into a ring And slip it through his life I know now why The butterflies inside me don't flutter When he holds my hand

It's because of you.

You are still living inside of me Behind the bars of my ribcage You made a home there And it warms me

And every time I drive home Your face appears in my mind Each stoplight reminds me of the fire we had Each green light reminds me of the guilt I hide

Remember the time you refused to hold my hand, Because in third grade it was gross Even in that young age, You have planted your name in me

Remember the time we started talking to each other It was whirlwind I felt like raindrops dying on the pavement Only to be reborn in the ocean of you

Remember the time you finally held my hand Your porcelain face slowly growing red I felt your heartbeat from your hand And it was waltzing with the beat of mine

I remember the look on your face Every time, we saw each other in school Your face glows And the earth would fall over my head

Do you remember, the time your family had to leave We said: bring it on! We don't fear the distance Every day, we would call each other And there was always Facebook too

I can't remember when calling you became a chore Or when weeks would roll by without hearing from you Our conversation was getting shorter While the silence was getting fatter

The distance cut it so easily What I thought was made from steel Turned out to be just threads

Now, I barely remember your face But once I see it The memories gush out Like a faucet