#old self

I remembered another Undertale piece of art with Chara. I have a lot of them.

https://www.gymaholic.co

Erica Jong, Lullaby for a Dybbuk

Lauren Rothery, from Television

Oh what a broken piece you've become all to prove that you could again go back to who's been dead for years.

I was thinking back to when I was 13-14 and used to fall in love so hard that I would have hit my head upon a cliff and not noticed if that person was smiling at me. I used to feel everything so intensely, the peace brought by the chirping of the birds or the random poems I happened to read. I used to be obsessive about love, every interaction was rehersed a 100 times in my head and I was crazy enough to blush all those 100 times. As I grew older, my feelings numbed or did I deliberately condition myself to numb it, I used to delay feeling so that I could survive my brain. Overtime, the numbing continued, my nonchalance was my armour and there was a period when I was feeling nothing at all. I used to listen to songs and couldn't even get halfway and changed it, I spent 2 hours finding the kind of music I wanted to listen to until I completely abandoned the effort. I was unable to read books and feel the way I used to, shows were all bland. Sad part is that it still continues to a certain extent. I barely get goosebumps through songs or feel amazing reading a book. The shows don't hit me as hard and it makes me feel like this mediocre fool who has forgotten to take the intensity of life and emotions as it comes. I am 23 years old now and if I had to tell my 13 year old self what I envied the most about her life, I would say her ability to feel deeply. She was able to love so profoundly, her resilience and her ability to show the best of herself was just an undeniably best attribute. Her love for learning was another awesome thing that I love about her. People keep talking about how you should only care about the future and leave the past in the past but am I wrong for wanting to retrace my steps back to the version of me who was truly so inspiring? Not to say that I am not a good person now but sometimes I feel like my present would have been so much better if I had the traits I did in the past. I barely cared to close my heart after it was hurt a few times and maybe that is why I was surrounded by at least one good person at every phase of my life because I was so open. I was passionate and caring and I used to remember every little thing carefully. This is not a rant, this is a reminder that you have been and can be the person you desire if you slowly but steadily move towards that version. I think expressing my thoughts as and when they cross my mind like little clouds floating here and there will be the best thing I can do to validate the upcoming of these suppressed emotions. Now that I am strong enough to handle the tide of emotions, I should slowly reclaim my ocean-of thoughts. Maybe instead of going back to meet that girl aged 13, I can back her to meet this girl aged 23 and have her enjoy this life with her innocent heart. I just know I would make her proud. I just have to do that.