#ocd asks

so 'accountability' is a word that gets misused a lot: accountability means a willingness to accept and learn from mistakes and recognizing that they can't happen again. it does not mean constant self flagellation for a mistake or sharing it with everyone to allow people to shame you forever for it. for example, when my relative was experiencing drug addiction and it escalated to physical harm and emotional manipulation, he went to rehab, issued sincere apologies to everyone he hurt and never fell back into that pattern. it's unreasonable to expect anything else from him, in my opinion, and anyone that does doesn't want 'accountability', they want blood

and what you're describing to me sounds like you changed your mind on something harmful after being presented with more information which is a very normal human experience! OCD would have you believe it's not but, changing your beliefs for the better is much more common than some corners of the internet might have you believe. you're not born with all the information, sometimes you're gonna make mistakes on your way to figuring out the 'right' thing to do. OCD would also have you believe that when you don't constantly confess to people that you used to have different beliefs or behaviors than the ones you hold now, you're 'lying'. not the case!

being open about your past can be helpful to yourself and others; for example, my relative now works with victims of addiction and is in a position to say, 'i've been exactly where you are, i'm not talking out of my ass here, i'm trying to help you', and that kind of relatability and ownership of one's past is very helpful in both getting people to trust him in his line of work and creating a non-judgemental environment for the people in his care. but! my relative is under no obligation to announce his past wrongdoings to everyone he meets, because they're simply not relevant in a lot of situations. he is no longer the person that made those mistakes. there's no sense in punishing him anymore for them

Cupcake: What’s your favourite thing to do when you’re anxious?

Molasses: Which compulsion do you do/struggle with the most?

Raspberry: What’s your favourite/most helpful coping mechanism?

Cupcake: honestly, go outside, lay on the grass, and stare at the sky. Especially at night. But if that's not an option for whatever reason, music, fanfiction, weighted blanket, cuddle dog, etc. What I do depends on the type of anxiety and why I'm anxious. Talking to people helps, unless I'm anxious about people being mad at me, or not liking me, etc. Also I hate it but cleaning really helps because it's mindless, repetitive, and offers control. I turn on music, and I just... clean. It's hard to think when you're doing a task, and cleaning is a simple enough task that it distracts me from anxiety brain but I don't have to think too hard to do it.

Molasses: hand washing, always. It's better now than it used to be, by far, but I hand sanitize easily 20 times a day and wash my hands anywhere from 15-30 times depending on what I'm doing.

Bumblebee: I don’t really know what OCD is, can you tell me about it?

ooo ok! So OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s basically a disorder where you have intrusive/unwanted thoughts and you often do certain things to try to get rid of them.

The ‘compulsive’ part of the disorder is the compulsions (the things you do to try to get rid of the thoughts).

They can be anything really, like washing your hands, praying, flicking a light switch a certain number of times, counting, blinking or shaking your head, etc.

The ‘obsessive’ part of the disorder is the intrusive thoughts. It’s important to remember that intrusive thoughts are not hidden desires or anything like that-they are completely unwanted. And the vast majority of the time, they don’t align with ur morals or beliefs either.

(Warnings up ahead for: stabbing mentions, mentions of hurting others/yourself, religion mentions. Scroll to the next bolded and italicized text to skip all that. You won’t miss anything too important, it’s just details and examples.)

For example, even an atheist could have intrusive thoughts of ‘what if something terrible happens to me if I don’t pray?’ and might pray obsessively to try to get rid of the thought. Someone could hold a knife to cut food and then have an image of them stabbing someone pop into their head, even though they would never want to do anything like that.

Of course, while having thoughts about hurting yourself or others can be a cause for concern, the difference is that with OCD the images/thoughts are not welcome. If someone were to actually, legitimately have the want and desire to stab someone or something, that would be a problem.

(The rest of the text from this point on doesn’t contain anything in those warnings, so it’s safe to read now!)

A good analogy I use is the ‘TV’ analogy.

Say you’re stuck in a room with a TV. For people that are actually bad people, it’s like if they purposefully turned the TV to a channel that broadcasted those bad thoughts and images. But for people with OCD, it’s more like you’re watching TV and then suddenly the TV glitches and the channel changes to something that broadcasts those bad thoughts and images, and for some reason you can’t change the channel or turn the TV off or mute the volume. So you try to cover your eyes or ears or turn away from the TV, but it’s still there and it’s unwanted and distressing.

Stigma’s a bitch. So here are some mostly positive OCD asks for you and your followers to partake in :-) (if you want to reblog but don’t feel comfortable answering certain questions, put it in your tags!! Let it be known!! You deserve fun & safety)

Bumblebee: I don’t really know what OCD is, can you tell me about it?

Chamomile: what’s your biggest pet peeve about OCD stigma?

Raspberry: What’s your favourite/most helpful coping mechanism?

Ivy: What theme/subtype are you struggling with?

Silk: Has your theme/subtype ever changed?

Peppermint: Do you do mental or physical compulsions (or both)?

Molasses: Which compulsion do you do/struggle with the most?

Duckling: Have you ever been to/ are you in therapy for your OCD?

Petticoat: Have you ever been bullied/teased/belittled for your symptoms?

Cupcake: What’s your favourite thing to do when you’re anxious?

Vanilla: Create a figurative image that describes your experience with OCD (either writing, drawing, painting etc.)

Notebook: Has living with this illness taught you anything good? If so, what is it?

Honey: How old were you when you started showing symptoms/had your first spike?

Dandelion: How long have you been struggling with OCD?

Buttercup: What OCD myth do you find most annoying or most harmful?

Blossom: Have you confided in anyone about your struggles?

Fern: Have people in your life been supportive?

Puddle: Has OCD negatively affected any of your relationships?

Marigold: Any OCD headcanons?

Sun-kissed: Favourite OCD headcanon?

Berry: Do you have a name for your intrusive thoughts/OCD? If so what is it?

Tangerine: What’s been the hardest thing about living with OCD?

Seasalt: What’s been the most healing/helpful thing since you’ve been struggling with OCD?

Sugar: Do you take medication?

Whisper: How do you encourage yourself when things feel hopeless/difficult?

Lace: What place are you at with your mental health right now? Good, bad or somewhere in between?

Bubblegum: If you could see OCD represented in any tv show, movie, media etc. what would it be?

Lavander: Have you made any new friendships/relationships because of this disorder?

I’m no expert so I can’t say with 100% certainty it is, but I know I myself have had my obsessions/compulsions change and shift over time and have had new ones pop up!

Whenever I think if *someone else* told me similar things, I'd first think that... I don't really wanna know, because that's too private; and I'd look at their whole lives and see that they're not just like a silly teen anymore. But whenever I think about *me*, all those negative feelings come through and I just! Feel tainted!! I need to tell them everything!! And then there's a whole anxiety cycle. It's like I can't let go of the long-ago past no matter how much I try.

My question is: Is there merit in those thoughts or is it just OCD trying to convince me to self-punish? Is this typical of OCD?

i always feel like i'm being reductive when i say this, but i truly hope you instead find comfort in knowing you're not alone: this is a very common thought pattern with OCD. the knowledge that you are judging yourself in ways you would simply not judge others is something i think a lot of people with OCD eventually come to realize when the fog clears a little bit

and i find that my OCD haaaates it when i have those thoughts lmao. whenever i'm like, "wait, the way i'm treating myself is not how i think others should be treated even if they have committed wrongs?" and then OCD immediately hits me with "OH BUT YOU'RE EVIL. you're evil for even thinking you deserve to be excused for your past! you're evil for comparing yourself to other people who are way purer than you! oh! look over here! ANOTHER TERRIBLE THING YOU DID THAT WAS PROBABLY WAY WORSE THAN YOU REMEMBER. let's ruminate!". when that's happening it's scary af, but when i look at it objectively... it's OCD throwing a tantrum because i'm figuring out it's full of shit lol. it's a screaming baby throwing their toys out the stroller. it's pathetic. i can't believe such a pathetic little entity is inhabiting my brain lmao

but yes, it's great that you're realizing you wouldn't react to other people's pasts the way OCD reacts to yours! i saw a post on here once that was like "my boyfriend says he can always tell when i'm doing a compulsion because literally no one asked". and like... yeah lmao. a lot of the time when i've fallen victim to the confession compulsion my friends have been like "...okay?". and my OCD tries to convince me that's them being horrified but really it's them just being confused. because they didn't want that information from me, and it's not as big a deal as i'm acting like it is! they never felt entitled to know those things about me, because they're not! and people who do feel entitled to your past so they can judge your present... well, let's just say my therapist would call them 'untrustworthy' lol

but yes, feeling uniquely "tainted" is a very common OCD thing! but you're not tainted, you're just human. OCD wants us to be impossibly perfect, and even if we were, it wouldn't be enough. OCD would find some other way to bully us. i'm really happy you're thinking along the lines of how you'd react to others if they had real event OCD and the compulsions that come with it, it's a really useful thought to have when fighting the OCD demons! another good thought for the real event OCD bank is, "that's not useful right now". like, we're not gonna think about whether or not we 'deserve' punishment for our pasts, we're gonna think about how useful it is right now in this moment to punish ourselves. it rarely is!

do you have any advice on how to reconcile a bad past as a person with ocd? i used to be a really awful person and everyday i feel like i just… deserved to be flogged in the townsquare for the things ive said or done. when uncomfortable conversations come up, i get nervous. people in my real life have even noticed my growth and commitment to being a better person and being educated in certain things. but yet when i come online and see different discourses, sometimes i feel like people really dont feel like others Can Change and honestly i feel like they think i should not exist because of my past. i spiral a lot about this and have nobody to really talk to. i hate always feeling like “hey look at me i fixed this attitude/belief that i shouldnt have had in the first place” but i am genuinely proud of the changes ive made, i acknowledge the harm ive caused others and embraced the changes ive had to make gracefully. but sometimes my ocd just wont let me relax about it. i constantly feel like somebodys gonna find me out and hunt me down and just Get Me somehow.

- 🐈‍⬛🩷

hey anon. i like your emoji combo! 🐈‍⬛🩷

my therapist did actually have some advice for me about this, because i too panic a lot about online discourse and how the people involved in it just... seem very resistant to the idea that people can grow and change. i think the reason behind this kind of black and white thinking is partially because when people hear something like "but they changed the behavior", they hear, "they've changed so now you have to forgive them and have them in your life". not the case! all it means is that people shouldn't be punished forever for their mistakes. that doesn't actually solve anything. it is not useful. and if someone is reading this who thinks endless shaming and punishment is the answer to any wrongdoing - you are not somebody i trust.

and there's a reason i say 'trust' in particular; so one time i got very badly triggered by a reddit discussion (i know, that's on me for going on reddit lmao) because the people in there were talking exactly like my OCD. wild shit like, "well if you had this thought then you must be a horrible person!" lmao jesus christ. anyway i told my therapist about it and she basically said:

"it sounds to me like these people were talking to each other the same way your OCD talks to you. you have told me you do not trust what your OCD says. so maybe it's logical to conclude that people who hold your OCD's beliefs aren't trustworthy either?"

and that... changed a lot for me? i think it's easy to get triggered by online discourse because we could assign the words on the screen to anyone, and give them way more power than they actually deserve. like, "oh this person probably knows what they're talking about and i am definitely evil". when in reality... it's more likely the person behind the screen still has some lessons to learn about how to actually recover from past misdeeds and behaviors? honestly, it just makes me kinda sad whenever i see someone insisting that someone must be judged by their past forever no matter what, because... well, that person's gonna fuck up eventually too, right? and i can't see them having a very strong support system when it happens if they're going around saying things like that?