#ocap

The weather in Salt Lake pushed dreary days into March. The snow was piled high, but full of dirt and dead leaves. The air still felt cold and unwilling. Ricky was desperate for a bit of sunshine, because he wanted nothing more than to be outside on his skateboard to think. The skatepark ended up being a lot less helpful than he wished; relentlessly reminding him of the time he saw Gina there. The time she first believed in him. It was like the ghost of her faded in and out on the steps every time he tried to make another glide down the ramp. As much as he wanted to shake the thought of her for even a second, he felt powerless to her. 

It had been two weeks since Ricky and Gina did their full run through of “Rewrite the Stars”, but this was another memory that took precedence in his head. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jenn clapping softly at the end, saying their performance was "beautifully tragic”, and then Gina running off the stage after. Over and over again, the ghost of Gina was everywhere Ricky went. The coffee shop, the skatepark, his house, the school, the theater- he couldn’t erase the part of his life that made him better, even when she tried to run.

Surprisingly, Gina’s “disappearing act” wasn’t very convincing. She used to be really good at making herself sparse when she was upset, but Ricky began to notice her around more and more in March. She still refused to talk to him, but she wasn’t avoiding the groups he would hang out in either.

Ricky couldn’t blame Gina for that, though. His friends were her friends and she had every right to them as he did. It took their friends a little while to catch on that things weren’t well between the two of them, but from what Ricky gathered, neither Gina nor him had called it a break up. 

Not until today, when Big Red asked Ricky to come over and play video games after school.

Ricky was sitting on Red’s basement chair, sipping on a Root Beer, when Red handed him a controller and asked, “you two are really broken up then, huh?”

Ricky didn’t know why Red’s question had caught him so off guard. If he was in their position, he would probably think the same thing. But there was that line in the sand... the one that he (and possibly, Gina) seemed to be the only ones to notice wasn’t there.

“I don’t know if we are, Red,” Ricky tried correcting him as he clicked some buttons on his controller.

“It’s been nearly a month and you two still don’t talk to each other. Normally, it seems like we can’t tear you guys apart. I’m pretty sure the last time I remember you guys being happy was.... the Sweetheart’s Dance?” Big Red reminded Ricky, before clicking the TV on with a remote. He flopped down in the giant chair next to Ricky.

Impressed with Red’s memory, Ricky asked, “You remember that far back?”

“Ricky, I’m your best friend. I notice”.

Ricky was touched.

“Wow... that means a lot,” Ricky commented, shaking his head. He was secretly glad Jet wasn’t there; Ricky knew he’d be keyed up hearing this conversation.

Red smiled. “A month just seems like a long time to not talk to your girlfriend over something. When Ashlyn and I were dating, our fights didn’t last longer than a week or two”.

“Not even when she was openly flirting with Maddox?”

“That’s just the thing, she was open about it Ricky. She was honest with me that there were feelings there. Maybe she wasn’t at first, but she came around. I was upset at first, sure, but in the end I understood. Not every couple is meant to be together,” Red replied, using his controller to gesture his thoughts.

“I know that. I want more than anything to be with Gina and I’m willing to make it work, in whatever way we need. But if she just doesn’t want to be with me anymore, I wish she would just say that. Honesty- like you’re talking about”. Ricky sighed heavily, reeling on what he had just said. The words felt unnatural and difficult to say. He never, ever pictured having this conversation about Gina. The only thing he could do next was stare blankly at his lap.

“Did she ever actually say that Ricky?” Red queried. 

Ricky took a minute to think back on all of their conversations. The ring. The ring that had been haunting him since the performance. Why was she still wearing that? Ricky gave his back to Gina. That still didn’t make sense to him. He couldn’t think of a single time Gina had said she didn’t want to be with him. Ever. Even before they started dating.

I wouldn’t quit on us, if I wasn’t moving away, Gina’s voice echoed in Ricky’s head.

“No,” Ricky said, his thoughts spiraling out of control. Gina became his life force and now he was struggling for air. Every second he was reminded that he couldn’t just talk to her, hold her, was another minute closer to him feeling like he was going to go ballistic. His thoughts were becoming overwhelming; he needed to think about something else for a minute so he could clear his mind.

“Can we just... play some games for a minute? I need to think about something else,” Ricky clicked open the game on the TV.

“Sure, but can I just add one more thing?” Red asked sincerely. One thing Ricky appreciated about Red- he was always willing to speak his mind, but he did so tactfully.

“Go for it,” Ricky gestured with his controller, turning his head toward Red.

“Couples that are meant to stay together, will be together. Fate or whatever you want to call it. It’s why, no matter how hard it was, I was willing to let Ashlyn go. If we’re meant to be together, she’ll come back. If not, I’ll find someone new and better”. Red paused before adding, “that’s all I wanted to say. We can play now”.

Fate. The stars. Serendipity. These words seemed to have a chokehold on Ricky. Why did he have to wait for it to happen? What if fate wanted something else for Ricky? There was no one else he wanted. He wanted Gina. Even when he was dating Nini and Lily, there was this part of him that felt attached by some invisible string to her. It felt like their hearts were tethered by something stronger than the explainable.

Ricky went about his next week still pondering on everything that happened since the day of the “Rewrite the Stars” rehearsal and hanging out with Big Red. Every time he saw Gina, she still had her ring on. She was beginning to watch him more, from inside the classroom to theater rehearsals, he noticed her staring. She even said hi casually a couple of times as she greeted the rest of the group. 

But it still wasn’t enough. She was still everywhere Ricky went, even only in his thoughts. He saw her pink converse every time he left the house, he saw her ring in each passing glance, and he even once thought he saw her at the coffee shop. He wondered if she knew she had a doppelgänger.

All of this thinking and reeling and hurting was starting to become too much for Ricky. On one particularly overcast day, toward the end of March, Ricky found himself in his room with his blinds closed. All he wanted to do was empty his head into his music. Ricky grabbed his guitar, music book, and pencil- ready to write. He pushed his sharpened pencil into the paper excitedly, led bits falling at the impact, but stopped immediately because his mind ran blank. It was the first time he hadn’t thought of Gina in weeks, but it was also the first time he hadn’t thought of anything. The one time he felt inspired to do something with all of his feelings- about Gina, graduation, his dad and Jenn- he came up empty.

Angry, he tossed his notebook (his pencil came with it too) at the wall. He placed his guitar down and set his head in his hands, too sad to be angry and too angry to be sad. Ricky gritted his teeth, as he began to pace around his room. He needed something. Anything. Anything to let the emotion out. It was consuming and enraging and he was shaking and sweating and-

And that’s when it clicked.

Ricky wanted to scream.

Ricky had thought about it in the past, but had never acted on it. Maybe it was because Zac told him to do it. Maybe it’s because it felt weird. Maybe it’s because it was a song he sang last semester when he was only starting to connect to his character. But this time, this time he felt ready to try.

So Ricky walked over to the window, fully pushing it open. A cold wall hit his face from the breezy air outside. He didn’t care who heard, he didn’t care how cold it was, he didn’t care if he sounded crazy. He wanted it to reverberate off of rooftops, for every bird to stop and listen for a second, for it to break through the clouds. Filling the air in his body from to stomach to chest, he reached his body outside and let out the loudest yell he could think of. Exhilarated and wild, Ricky went to his computer at his desk and started to play the song, “Scream” from High School Musical 3. He sang openly, feeling each morsel of his being connect with the lyrics:

The day the door is closed The echoes fill your soul They won't say which way to go Just trust your heart To find what you're here for

Ricky stood up before opening the door to his bedroom and stepping over the threshold, singing:

Open another door But I'm not sure anymore

It's just so hard

Ricky paused before pulling a cushion off the couch, tearing it to pieces. He threw the contents into the already lit fireplace:

Voices in my head Tell me they know best Got me on the edge They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'

Ricky stared emptily at a photo of Mike and Jenn on the fire place:

I know they've got a plan But the ball's in my hands This time is man-to-man I'm drivin', fightin', inside of A world that's upside down

He was now in the kitchen, throwing down chairs, slinging hand towels off the oven, throwing forks and knives at the door, breaking the plates and glasses in the cupboard:

It's spinning faster What do I do now Without you? I don't know where to go What's the right team I want my own thing So bad I'm gonna scream

I can't chose, so confused

What's it all mean I want my own dream So bad I'm gonna scream

By this point he was fully invested in the song. Not taking a thought into his destruction. He sang the rest of the song as darted around the house, jumping on the couch, knocking over chairs, knocking a lamp off the side table, pulling clothes out of the hamper and strewing them everywhere as he looked for his orange sweatshirt:

I'm kicking down the walls I gotta make them fall Just break through them all

I'm kicking down the walls I gotta make them fall Just break through them all

Ricky balled up his fist and punched a hole in the wall, his hand throbbing from the pain of a power he didn’t know he had:

I'm punchin', crushin', I'm gonna Fight to find myself Me, and no one else Which way, I can't tell I'm searchin', searchin', can't find a way that I should turn I should, to right or left, it-

It's like nothing works Without you I don't know where to go What's the right team I want my own thing So bad I'm gonna scream

Ricky sang as he unraveled every piece of the apartment, not caring about Mike’s reaction. He finally felt free- like all of the pent up energy had a release. Every lyric another confirmation of how he felt on the inside until he reached the end of the song:

I want my own thing I want my own thing I can't chose, so confused What's it all mean I want my own dream So bad I'm gonna scream

Even though Ricky had sang this song several times before, it was like the music had completely enveloped him this time. When it ended, he was surprisingly caught off guard. Ricky shook his head, bringing him back into the present moment. He was sitting back at his desk, in the same position he was at when he first played the song. He peaked his head out the door to see the house in the same condition it had previously been in. The song might have been a daydream, but the rest of his life felt like a nightmare. 

It was time he decided what he wanted, once and for all.

Ricky picked up his notebook and pencil from the other side of the room and drew a line down the middle. On one side, he wrote “decided” and on the other he wrote “not decided”. Anything that was still not decided, he would take the time to figure out today. He was done being confused.

On his “not decided” column, he wrote:

-college

-what I’ll do after I graduate

-where I’ll live

When Ricky got to his “decided” column, he was only able to write one thing before his mind came up blank again:

-Gina 

However this time, instead of staring blankly at the page and getting frustrated over having no other decisions again, he made a new course of action. He was going to get outside and ride it out, no matter what the weather. He put on his black converse and grabbed his skateboard, bolting for the door.

However as he was running, exhilarated and ready to decide, he nearly sprained his ankle at the foot of the door. It landed awkwardly on an object that had somehow made it’s way onto the welcome mat inside the apartment. Ricky thought it must have gotten kicked over when he or Mike had come inside for the night. His foot landed awkwardly on Gina’s pink converse.

And that’s when the floodgates opened. It was like Ricky had closed them to protect him from getting hurt, by Gina, by his family, by making a choice. He refused to acknowledge what has been there the whole time. Every moment he had with Gina, even before they started dating, avalanched their way into his mind. Slowly and discreetly, before pouring in- unstoppable. 

Secret dates in coffee shops.

You’re a yes.

The days dancing and baking in the kitchen.

Serendipity.

Going over to her house every night to read her to sleep. All in due time. The fair. I’m not going anywhere. Me neither... at least not without you.

The promise rings. They’re promise rings. That way we promise to always come back to each other. All of the warm feelings Ricky couldn’t explain. I wouldn’t quit on us if I wasn’t moving away. Adventures in the woods. We’re a team. Real Campers Of Shallow Lake. I don’t do anything right the first time, Ricky. The night of Homecoming. I can’t believe I let Color Wars slip through my fingers.

The thoughts raced and raced and raced. Everything made sense. Every connection, every thought, every piece of the puzzle all started to come together. Ricky looked out the window and saw the sun bursting through the dark clouds. 

He made the same break through.

“Oh”.

Ricky being ok if Gina went to New York and only caring about how he would stay in contact with her. Ricky not trying to control or manipulate the situation, even if he felt frustrated. He doesn’t always do things right the first time.

It was all Ricky could say out loud before grabbing Gina’s converse and running out the door. The houses and trees worked together to seamlessly blend in his peripherals as he picked up pace. The air whipped against his body, pushing faster to make it to his end destination quicker. The end destination was a couple neighborhoods over.

Ricky was sprinting when he realized what Gina meant to him. Every crash of his foot to the pavement was another reminder of what they did for each other. For so long he didn’t understand why Gina going to New York didn’t bother him- why he felt ok with long distance. He didn’t understand why being separated from Gina was hard, but he didn’t try to control or manipulate the situation. He didn’t understand why he and Gina worked so well together, being able to finish each others sentences and know what the other person needed without even asking. Until now. This perfect, beautiful metaphor for their relationship:

When Gina tried running from her problems, Ricky steadied her. When Ricky emotions ran wild, Gina steadied him. Gina was change; Ricky was stability.

Like converse to pavement.

Ricky ran and ran, the rain beginning to drip on his face in a light and refreshing way. He could feel the worry wash off him, because for the first time in forever, he finally knew what he wanted. As sure as the invisible string tethering them together, he knew.

His heart thumped harder in his chest as his breath showed in light puffs of air outside. The closer he made it to Gina’s house, the worse the weather became, but Ricky kept pushing through.

Cold beat across his face from the light wind and now heavy rain. He didn’t care. His surroundings were nonexistent now, a black backdrop with the light of her house shining at the end. He was going to get these shoes back to Gina.

He was going to get back to Gina.

Ricky finally reached Gina’s house, the rain dumping down on him in a thousand directions. He didn’t even take a moment to catch his breath- he only slowed down his running- refusing to stop until he accomplished what he came to do. Ricky jogged up to the front door of the familiar two story house and knocked loudly.

Silence.

He wondered if Gina couldn’t hear because of the storm outside. He knocked again even harder this time. Gina needed to know he was there.

More silence.

Ricky gave a sigh. Maybe she wasn’t there. He turned around, cold and defeated. Upset and frustrated, he began to make his way down the cement stairs, opening himself back up to the long walk home.

But then he heard a latch unlock the door.

Ricky spun around to see Gina, confused and bewildered. She was in an oversized shirt and sweatpants. A large headband holding back her hair in a top knot. She shook her head several times as if she couldn’t make sense of Ricky showing up at her door.

“Ricky?! What are you doing?! It’s pouring out!” Gina exclaimed.

“Oh,” Ricky said, panting as he looked Gina over. It was all he could muster out. Her confusion began to turn into... anger? Sadness? Ricky couldn’t tell.

“Oh?” Gina said, some water filling in her eyes. Ricky suspected that she was definitely upset.

“Oh”, Ricky said, more sure this time. “As in, ‘oh, that is why I’ve been feeling this way the whole time. That is why every time I’m with you, I feel this warmth in my entire body. That is why, every time I look at you, I’m reminded of comfort and home. That is why you push me to be better and carry me through my worst’.

“Gina, I’m in love with you,” Ricky confessed.

“Oh,” Gina echoed. Ricky began to wonder if they were going to do this all day.

“Oh?” He said, his sneaky eyebrow raising up again. Maybe his eyebrow was more keen than he gave it credit for.

“Oh. As in, ‘you came back’. I always knew you’d come back,” Gina said, tears now falling down her face. She didn’t need to say anything more.

“It’s why you left the shoes,” Ricky concluded her thought, breathless. He shook the pair of pink converse in front of her, splashes of water flying out. 

Ricky couldn’t help it. Watching her cry, feeling as happy and as overwhelmed as he was, realizing it’s why Gina kept on her promise ring too- he began too cry to. Big, happy, beautiful tears. They masked themselves in the rain, but released all of the pain he had been feeling. Everything finally made sense. It was truly “all in due time”.

Ricky threw the wet shoes in Gina’s house and pulled her out into the rain. He began to kiss her passionately, over and over. Gina reached her hand up, pulling her hair now soaking wet hair out of it’s bun. They continued to kiss, releasing all of the tension and build up that had been fogging their lives.

Gina pulled slightly back from the kiss, putting her hands on Ricky’s face, and with tear-soaked eyes said, “I love you too, Ricky Bowen”. 

They pulled each other in again, kissing until their lungs gave out. 

Ricky finally spoke again- slightly yelling over the loud rain crashing on them and her house, “Gina, everything that I have done this last year was for you. It was always for you. You have dictated every move I have made in the best way. They were always my own choices, but I made them with you as my lighthouse. I never wanted to quit on us either. I’m not going to lose you. Not because you can’t walk away from me or because I don’t want you to go to New York, but because I want to make it work. I want to make us work. Because whether we try to or not, we will work out. We come back to each other every time”.

“Ricky!” She stopped him loudly over the rain, giggling.

“What?” He asked, a confused smile glued to his face.

Gina laughed even harder, her eyes squinting with glee as she said, “You got started”. 

The couple were now fully bursting out in laughter, wiping away tears and water off of their own faces. They couldn’t stop laughing, even as Gina pulled Ricky’s face in again to kiss him.

Gina understood what Ricky meant, because he had one thing wrong this whole time: Gina’s love language wasn’t gift giving, it was words of affirmation. The song she wrote, the promises she made, the writing in the rings, and even the way songs affect her- it all made sense to Ricky. 

Ricky was supposed to tell her he loved her first. That’s how she would know they were going to make their relationship work after graduation. That’s how she would know that he chose her back. That’s what she was waiting for.

Gina reached into her now soaking wet pocket and pulled out a small silver band. She took Ricky’s hand and slid the ring back on his pinky.

“How long have you been carrying that around?” Ricky shouted over the torrential rain.

“Since you took it off!” Gina yelled back, letting out her last few giggles.

Ricky wrapped his arms around Gina, picking her up and spinning her as they kissed one more time. After he set her down, Gina slid her pinky finger around Ricky’s. Their rings clanked together as she led him into her house. 

Once inside, Ricky kicked off his water-soaked converse next to Gina’s... where they belonged.

He was finally home.

****************************************

Epilogue

Over the next month, the weather began to let up. The sun shined more often than not, giving Ricky a lot of time to spend outside with his friends and Gina. They savored their last moments together before the select few of them graduated.

The Greatest Showman wasn’t going to be until May right before graduation, so Ricky spent a lot of time with Gina rehearsing. He even helped write a new song for the show that Jenn took to immediately. All of the time on stage, being “Little Zac”, his passion for writing music, and having previous experience on TV made Ricky realize that he might want to do something involving the arts after he graduates.

Ricky finally told his dad that he was going to move to New York with Gina to pursue his dream of writing music for TV and stage productions. He also chose the option of trying to act in some of the shows that would use his music. He ended up giving Zac a call, telling him he was sure this was what he wanted to do with his career. Zac was so ecstatic to hear from “Little Zac”, that he pulled a few strings to make sure Ricky wouldn’t start off at nothing.

Broadway was creating a new play, The Chronicles of Narnia, in September and needed actors and music producers. Zac told them he knew a guy, Ricky Bowen, who could do both. Zac even said if they were lucky enough, Ricky’s girlfriend, Gina Porter would probably be willing to choreograph for the show too. And despite some hesitation from the producers, Zac was able to convince the producers to hire a couple of soon-to-be graduates to help with the show.

Mike reminded Ricky that he would be fine if Ricky left because now he had Jenn. They were going to get married that summer in July. Ricky would spend the first half of the summer in Salt Lake with Mike and Jenn, and after their wedding spend the second half with Lynn and Todd in Chicago. After that, he would get on a train and meet Gina in New York.

One late Saturday in April, before he and Gina went to rehearsal for The Greatest Showman, Ricky ran to his room to grab his skateboard. He was hoping to ride it that day. He went to pick it up from the side of his bed when he saw a notebook peeking out from the corner. It was opened to the page that had his list of “decided” and “not decided”. Ricky thought that it must have gotten kicked under there without him realizing it.

Ricky walked over to his desk and got out a pencil. Picking up the notebook and sitting on the edge of his bed, he scribbled out the undecided column completely. After that he added one more thing under the “decided” column. It now read:

-Gina

-What I’m doing after I graduate

“Ricky? You almost ready? It’s about time we go!” Gina called to his room.

Ricky grabbed his skateboard as responded, “coming!” 

Once he made it to the front door, he slid on his black converse and crouched down to tie the laces on them. Gina giggled as she tapped his leg with her foot. 

“Hey, we’re matching,” she noticed, her pink shoe peeking in the corner of his eye.

Ricky finished tying his shoe and stood up, giving Gina a quick kiss on the cheek before saying, “good”.

Gina grabbed her rehearsal bag with her dance shoes in it and held her right hand out, lacing it with Ricky’s. They began to walk to rehearsal, Gina’s dance bag in her open arm and Ricky’s skateboard in his.

Ricky thought about what Gina said before the school year. About how he was never the plan, but plans change. Maybe she was right- his plans changed. Even now, none of his life was part of the plan. Maybe before he met her, he was always going to be in Salt Lake. He was going to be fighting for a girl that didn’t want him back, unhappy with his dad, and alone with no friends but Big Red.

Ricky thought about how much he used to push change away. That new things were scary and they needed to be right the first time. That he would try to fit puzzle pieces where they were never meant to fit. However, Gina came in and changed everything in the best possible way. He never knew what to expect with her, but he willingly followed. He kept up with all of her paces.